Alcohol and abusive relationships
Alcohol is a common feature in abusive relationships, so if your partner is an alcoholic you might have to deal with erratic mood swings and unpredictable behaviour, arguments and aggression, recklessness (DUIs), the risks to your children and so on.
So how do you confront a partner about their drinking? (when it is often a very touchy subject) Usually, people learn to avoid the issue, simply changing the subject when it comes up. And so the situation continues for years, unless you decide to address it.
But quite often each person may be so afraid of loneliness, or have such low self-esteem that they believe themselves unlovable, that no-one else would have them, that they couldn’t survive alone. This co-dependency makes people tolerate more than they should have to, in order to stay together.
The abuse of alcohol might affect your relationships in many ways. But those same close relationships are often the ones that can perpetuate alcoholism. A dysfunctional marriage can be so much stress for anyone involved – if your first choice for coping with that is alcohol, then you can see how some people justify their drinking by blaming it on their husband/wife.
If the extra drinking that arises from relationship problems itself makes those problems worse, then a very messy loop can develop.
Alcohol can serve a number of purposes in a relationship -
- a temporary boost in self-esteem,
- soothing anger or escaping from conflict (which often leads to more arguments or even domestic violence),
- an emotional escape from unhappiness,
- exerting control through defiance of the partner’s requests not to drink.
Alternatively, if you’ve decided you want to quit drinking, but your partner still drinks heavily, then you might have real difficulty resisting temptation – there you are trying to have a sober day, when your husband is cracking open a bottle of wine for the evening!
This sometimes happens as a form of sabotage too – if a couple both have a problem with alcohol, your partner might not want you to get sober, might not want you to get your confidence back.
This is all sounding rather gloomy, surely there’s a light at the end of the tunnel? Of course, your close relationships can be your biggest source of support and encouragement. Even if you might think you’ve damaged some relationships beyond repair, the people who care about you will still be there if they can see you really want to change.
My husband is having very scary emotional problems, and has quit drinking for one month. We are seperated, and he’s contemplating divorce, but changes his mind, weekly, about everything. He’s depressed, lonely and I fear suicidal. I am not sure what to do, and where to turn. Susan
Why do you say HE is contemplating divorce? What do YOU want?
Are you hooked up with AA for family members?
My partner and I have just split up because of his drinking. We were childhood sweethearts who got back together after over 25 years and I had high hopes for us. It wasn’t long though before it became clear that he had a drink problem. He gets so drunk that he can’t speak and he will drink and drink until he is kicked out or it’s closing time; it’s like he can never get enough. He more often than not goes out alone to do this! It’s frightening to see his loss of control and because of it I stopped respecting him which caused more problems between us. He can be so verbally abusive and aggressive that I am physically shocked and do feel like I have been abused – I have never known such nastiness. It makes you feel worthless when the person you love would much rather have alcohol than you and it knocked my confidence hugely while we were together. The bit that worries me most, more than the ‘episodes’ however, is his general, everyday changes of mood and his inconsistency and unreliability – is this caused by too much alcohol? He has lost enough money to buy a house, is divorced, has nowhere proper to live and no job. But he doesn’t seem to think that any of this is caused by his drinking as he says he has done it everyday since he was 17 (he is now 44).
My ex-boyfriend quit drinking for awhile when we were together, but before this there would be many episodes where he would get really drunk and then bring up some insecurity about our relationship to argue over, or get angry at my embarrassment over his drunken antics. Many times it ended with him threatening to do something destructive to himself or others, and I told myself I would have to put up with his verbal abuse to keep him safe until he was sober. This kept happening over and over, but for some reason I always let him convince me that it wouldn’t happen again and that I should stay with him. It did stop for awhile, about 3 months or so, but as soon as our relationship was on the rocks for other reasons, he used it as an excuse to start drinking again, saying that it didn’t matter what he did anymore since our relationship was over. I’ve learned that you cannot hold yourself responsible for someone else’s actions, and you can’t let them manipulate you into feeling sorry for them or trying to protect them from themselves. After so many failed attempts at sacrificing myself to help him, I’ve realized that the best way to deal with the situation is to let him know that his manipulation won’t work anymore, and that he has to get himself right before I’ll even think about speaking to him again. I hope this helps.
I have been in a relationship for 7 years, and got married 3 years ago. My relationship has turned into a nightmare my husband is a binge drinker he gets with his freinds on weekends and goes to bars or to one of their freinds home to drink, he doesn’t take care of me anymore, we dont go out to do anything together anymore like we used to. I have had terrible episodes with him when he drinks he acts flirty with women and does gestures to them in front of me, I feel so disrespected. If anyone can comment please I need advice
last night i experienced something i never would, it started in the morning when my bf woke up, he started drinking a straight bottle of burboun, i wnt to work and that afternoon came home and he was already drunk, he asked me for money so he could by more but i said no then things just blew up and we both got so angry, i walked away and ounched a photo on the wall, he followed me to the bedroom and pinned me to the bed screamed in my ear how dare you, thats when things got worse i kicked him off and he hit the wall thats when he slapped me on the face he said it doesnt count as abuse because it wasnt a closed fist hit, i kept packing my things and called a mate we moved one load of things away and came back for the other load, i had a big chest of draws that he carried to the car, but he threw them on the road and broke them he wouldnt stop throwing them, so i pushed him away from it he then said to me you want to fight like a man then fine lets fight he pinned me on the bonnet of the car and he pulled my hair that it nearly came out and he kept screaming at me, he then went back to smashing my draws i picked up a bit and i hit him with it then he hit me again, i walked back in the room to finish packing and not long after he followed, i was reading my phone and he smacked it out of my hand slaped me in the face again pushed me on the bed and strangled me, then he went back to playing cards with his mates and kept drinking, in all this i called for help from both of them and they did nothing to help me, i called the police but they didnt show up for an hour and a half by then i was long gone, all of this is because of alcohol he just doesnt realise he has a problem if he could see this he would realise he is a loving man and i do love him to bits but he needs help asap. i wanted to tell my story so that no one else will put up with that kind of abuse and i would like to talk to someone in the same situation.
hi,
sounds like my husband too, he is the most wonderful man until he has a drink, he cant just have a few tho it has to be until he is practically unconcious, then he starts the verbal abuse, this has even been as stupid as him saying that iur dog is to embarrassed to be walked by me as im so fat!! yeah it hurts but it is such a pathetic comment i should just laugh it off. the comments do get worse andvery offensive. the physical violence escalates too, the first time was before we got married and he promised it would never happen again, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WOMEN HEARD THAT?? then the night before my birthday, that i didnt deserve as i should never of been born, like you the people around did nothing and in my own community i feel such a fool, i wont even go to my local shop as im ashamed of my marriage.
today he started drinking at 9am, was out of it by 11 then went to the pub, i found him at 2 after hed called my demanding FOOD, thats a conversation to him. when he came out of the pub staggering and looking a mess i had the urge to run him down, i didnt but it crossed my mind, it makes me so sad to see how much hatred i have for the man i loved, thta man is no longer around he has been destroyed by alcohol. im starting to feel so worthless and no longer socialise as i no the way the night will end, if he comes along he will shame me and if i ever go out alone he is a mess wheni get home, even if i go shopping with my mum he gets insecure which leads to him getting totally drunk. As for any intimacy, well thats non existant, he talks about it but theres no chance!! we no longer even sleep in the same room as i cannot stand feeling dirty but also the interupted sleep and teeth grinding. the police are crap, whenever ive called them they have told me to find somewhere else to spend the night!!! like im in the wrong??? i deserve much better than this, if done nothing bad to im, ive made his life so much better but he is messing up mine. im sure you all deserve better too and i hope one of us gets the courage to find happiness in an non abusive relationship.
keep messaging it helps.
How does one decide when it’s time to walk away? I’ve been married to the same man for 28 years and in the beginning the drinking was kind of a social thing. We’d go away for a weekend and we’d always have some beer or wine. Then we had our son and the drinking became more frequent but still within control I thought. Then in the last 5 years the drinking has gotten more and more and the last two years when I don’t want to drink with him anymore, he gets totally wasted. Only now he’s thrown in an additional variant – another woman that he met online thru a mutual relative. He and this woman are 3rd cousins. He got in real deep with her, in less than 2 months. I would ask what they found to talk about all day while I was gone to work (he works weekends and I work M-F days). He said oh we’re just chatting, sharing of ourselves. I told him, this is how people fall in love and I told him that I did not approve of what he was doing. A couple months later I found out he he bought this woman a set of jewlery – approx $300 worth and mailed it to her. I found out later that he’d sent her more jewelry before that. And then he did it again and lied over and over to me about what, where, etc. He must have really enjoyed playing with my mind. So, now 12 months later, after he had told me that he wasn’t going to do this anymore – because I told him that a man does not buy jewlery for another woman unless she’s his wife, sweetheart, mom, or even a niece – I find out that he’s sending her cash – via Western Union. $200 in Nov and $300 in Dec. I ask why he is doing this and all he has to say is “I don’t like you going through my things”. So now his new gimmick is “I’m not writing to her anymore – this two days ago”. Has he any idea what a liar he is? Oh and then as an excuse he say “was I drinking when I said or did that?” I say “you are always drunk.” The way I see it, I lose either way – if I stay or if I leave. I’m thinking that he loves this woman so much, and she’s married and has a child and is our son’s age for crying outloud. Anyway, I’m thinking that he’ll probably change things on his life insurance to leave her as his beneficiary. This really sucks – to love somebody for 28 years and then get this as a thanks for being mine/for sticking with me all this time. Does anyone have a success story about moving on and actually having a better life?
i thought id gotten strong enough to leave just before new year, husband got drunk, kicked the kitchen door in so i went back to my parents, ignored all his calls and sms, called the police as he kept threatening to come to my parents house drunk, they said they will keep his and his car details on file and at least try to catch him for drink driving. spent a week at my parents but it was difficult aswe both have puppies and really all it did was remind me why i moved out in the first place, love them to bits but i didnt feel i wanted to stay there any longer and i wanted MY home back…and My life. went home and we had 10 days without alcohol then tonight he drabk again and i bfeel such an idiot for giving him another chance, ive made it hard for him to buy alcohol so in the end when he needed more he finished the bottle of night nurse. its ridiculous. why are we so weak when we love a man?
similar to the lady above my husband makes call to people he shouldnt but thinks it doesnt count as he was drunk at the time….he doesnt realise that that makes in worse in some ways.
hopefully one day 1 of us will be strong and give others the strength to follow.
xxx
I am 26 and a woman who is an alcoholic. I have the comments. I want to thank you for sharing them. My boyfriend broke up with me a couple weeks before New Years, because of my drinking. I have verbally abused him and caused him to lose many friends, with my actions while intoxicated over the three and a half years of our relationship. Some of your stories hit home, except…I am the one, not my husband or boyfriend that has the problem. I always thought he would be there for me, when I needed him. I was wrong, I had promised to stop drinking a few times before, for him, of course it never lasted more than a couple weeks. I now see how the actions of an alcoholic effect the partner. I love him, before I read your stories, I had no idea how he could leave me. I know now, how he must feel and how much my actions and words have affected him. I did not think my partner would hold onto the things I say and do, while drunk. I am so very wrong and I feel horrible. I have sought help with AA and have been sober for 10 days. I hate the person alcohol turns me into. I never want to hurt anyone I love or myself again. I thank you again for your honesty. I needed to see myself through the stories of others and how much damage an alcoholic can inflict on those they love the most. It was only after he left me, that I had time to get sober and take a good honest look at where I went wrong and what I wanted in life, that has lead me to seek help, after I lost everything, my love, my job and my health. Sometimes the only way is to lose everything, stay strong, you don’t have to put up with it…I was never thinking about his feelings when I drank. Now that I haven’t had a drink…he’s all I think about. And that gives me the strength I need to not take another drink. I don’t want to ruin my future as I have ruined by past.
The question of when to walk away, it’s a tough one. I am on the other side of this as it is my lady that is the one that is the alcoholic. Like most it started slowly, social drinking and never seemed to be a problem until about 4 years ago. then things really took a turn for the worst. Sober she would be wonderful. We were dating, not living together, worked together so we saw each other every day. Our relationship started in 1997 we were in our late 30′s. but somewhere from 03 to 04 the alcohol just seemed to take control. She has a lot of enabling friends, not bad people just her girl friends they would go out and just drink. Then the hurtful voice mails and txt’s started. Really hurtful things, and then the next day she would be sorry and I would let it go. and she admitted she had a problem but it continued. then in the fall of 05 things spiraled out of control, she was drunk every night, got a DUI had one night where she could not get into her condo and fell, hit her head and laid in the cold, I am in Montana for hours, she could have died. I gave her an ultimatum that it had to stop and I tried to walk away.I even dated another person for over a year a really nice gal but in the end she left as I could never really let her in there was too much of a wall around me. I was not seeing my lady friend, never cheated just could not seem to let go. In the end I just love her too much. I know the person that she is or at least was. Like no one that I have ever met before. She has been in a relationship with a man that is an abuser, a drunk. I have quit even trying to date anyone else, I just wait. A month ago we had lunch, the first time I had seen her in a year. it was wonderful, she talked about how much she was tired of the drinking and that she new she had to stop, how this man that she has been with has in her words “sucked the life out of her, taken her self esteem been verbally and physically and sexually abusive” Right after Xmas she called me and yes she was drunk and she had had enough of this other fellow and that she was done with him. So we started talking again, every day for a week. I thought we were going in the right direction. She was sober every time that I talked to her it was so nice, but lasted only a week. Then she told me that she needed some space and that she needed to work on fixing herself. I stopped by her place today to see how she was doing and of course there he was, the abuser. Right back to where she was. And I can’t bring myself to walk away. I don’t know what it is, well I do I am in love with her. I know who she really is, what a wonderful person she is. The kind of life we could have if she would just get her life back in order. what a terrible disease alcoholism is. I can’t even be mad at her. I sit and wait. and I pray and I hope
yovi,
WELL DONE!!!
x
I have been married for six years to an alcoholic. Last night was our breaking point. He got drunk and became very aggitated. He lost his temper, threw his dinner plate at me which I blocked with my hand and now I think I have a broken pinkey. He stuck his finger in my face threatening me. He has never hit me, but each fight we have escalades and I am afraid it will become physical soon. I have been in an abusive relationship before and will not do it again.
I loose respect for him each time I see him with a beer in his hand, and the sad part of it is that he knows this. I have told him this time and time again. He says that he will quit, and does for a couple of weeks, but then he is back to his old self in no time. He just loves beer more than his wife and kids. Sometimes I think I should take the kids and leave, maybe then he will see what alcohol has done to his life. At the same time when we got married, we vowed to stay together through “sickness and in health”, and this is a sickness.
I love him so much, but believe that we are better apart. I don’t want us to resent each other later. The hard part is that we have two kids together. I don’t want them to grow up in a broken home. Help me, I am in desperate need of advice.
Reading these stories breaks my heart. I was also in a relationship with an alcoholic when I was only 21. We started dating at 17 and drinking was just a part of the weekend activities. When we went to college in different states, he became more obsessed with drinking because he was “lonely, broke and miserable”. Well, so was I, but I didn’t need to get wasted to deal with my feelings. One night we had a talk and I said “I read that statistics show that 1 out of 4 people are in a serious car accident at some point in their lives”. His response, “So, you think my dad is going to be in an accident?” and I replied “No, I think you are going to be in an accident because you drink and drive. I don’t want you to drive when you drink, can you at least promise me that?” He promised. Within days I got a letter from him admitting that the weekend prior he had been arrested for drunk driving and he was too embarassed to admit it to me on the phone the night I asked him to stay put when he drank. Of course, this had no effect on him. He thought it was a joke. We argued constantly about other things, but I know now that the drinking was causing most of the problems. He would often say “I should just kill myself, you and everyone else would be better off”. This had gone for years and I was finally SICK of it. I said “If you kill yourself I as well as your family will be devastated, and I don’t want you to do it. But I am SICK of you playing emotional games with me and trying to fault ME for your problems. You need therapy and I cannot be your babysitter, you live 3 hours away from me and I cannot hold your hand. I support you and want you to get help, but you cannot use me as your excuse for NOT getting it. I can’t do this anymore. If you kill yourself, that is ON YOU, NOT ME.” I felt horrible for saying everything, but he was emotionally abusing me trying to make me think that I had some responsibility for HIS actions. Within one week he was dead. He went drinking after work for about 6 hours and then drove home, 30 miles away. At some point on the highway he crossed the median and hit a semi, head on. I think it was on purpose. Thank God no one else was hurt. That was in 1990 and I am STILL grappling with whether or not I could have changed things and saved him. I keep trying to make myself believe that I did what I did because it was the only way I could cope and that I can’t be held responsible for what he did. My belief is that no matter what I had done, he’d probably have ended up in the same place. He was battling his demons from a traumatic childhood that he was never able to share with me. He was “damaged” before I came along and our relationship problems were not all my fault as he constantly said they were. I know he was sick and needed help, but I don’t think I could change him myself, as evidenced by the stories on this site. They have to figure it out for themselves. We can only support the positive behavior, we can’t be responsbile for the negative. My father was a recovering alcoholic, so I know what it’s like to have that in the family. He had to change on his own and he did. I was proud of him every day of his life for that. But my mother did not change him, he changed himself when he finally hit his rock bottom. I just wish that my boyfriend had found his way before he chose to escape his pain for good. I know that he was simply trying to find peace. I feel sorry for him and I hope that someday I meet him if there is a Heaven. He was my best friend and I love him with all my heart, even 18 years later. I wish everyone on this site love and hope for finding your way, whether it be walking away from a loved one with a drinking problem or those with the drinking problem themselves. Above all, do not blame yourself for not being able to “fix” someone. The only one you can change is yourself.
Hi, i read these posts and i just had to write something. I feel like i have just read the story of my life spread throughout these posts. Thankyou. Its comforting to know others are either going through this or have been through it and are out the other side.
My eyes have been opened. Its hard to see how many women on here feel the ‘blame’ for what is happening, or feel responsible for it – and yet – that is exactly how i feel.
My husband is a drinker, and after possibly, the worst year of my life due to the non stop drinking, he is on week two of being alcohol free. Although family life has calmed down – im living in fear and anticipation of the next ‘crisis’. Somehow i feel loyal to him – like i want to protect him by keeping family life as normal as possible.
I realise we are co-dependant and that my self esteem has sunk so low that i actually have learned to find some of the stuff he says and does acceptable. Yet i wouldn’t let anyone else speak or do those things to me.
i definately need support and feel like many of the people who have posted on this particular thread know how i feel.
Just Me: i feel what you say at the end about your kids in a broken home. But your opening line is – I have been married for six years to an alcoholic. Last night was our breaking point. Kids shouldn’t have to witness or grow up around the chaos and inconsistency of alcoholism and if you truely have reached your breaking point and you are scared the violence may get worse then you should leave – even if only for a short while. Like a holiday for the kids.
I know i myself am reaching closer to my breaking point and will need to find strength somewhere in order to protect myself (mentally as well as physically) and my child – who at the moment is only a baby – but will of course one day understand and see what is going on.
Stay strong everyone. We can support each other.
Nevermind that first post, i pressed submit by accident..sorry!
Hi, I just want to say that I don’t want to be selfish but these stories; though they are terrible and heart wrenching, they are helping me more and more to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have been blessed with not letting things get to those points which is why its hardf or me to do this.
My girlfriend (well, ex) and I have known eachother for almost 10 years now and we’ve been togehter for about 3. Even before we officially started dating we had this connection together where wed always talk to eachother intimately or fool around with eachother even if we each had our respective boyfriend/gilfriend.
anyway, weve been together for 3 years. We treated eachother so well. She treated me well with all her heart and soul. And as did I. The problem was that throughout the years, my drinking had created a snowball effect that picked up more and more problems. My inability or lack of effort to find work, making her promises i would break. Spending my money on alcohol when i should have been spending it on things like goin out together or buying her things on important dates like her birthday, our aniversary etc.. by the time i realized that I had been letting her down as the man she needs in her life, I had created so many other problems that they blinded me from the catalyst of all these problems. Which was drinking. I tried to patch them up by trying to make it up to her, I would buy her things and pay her back the all the money shes lent me, tell her i love her as much i could, make her promises that i would get my life together, be responsible and control my drinking. I am a binge drinker. I can go all week without drinking but as soon as the weekend comes I’m totally gone. I would be verbally abusive, irrational, with a total lack of control and hurt her so much, create embarrasing conflicts in public I would bring these things to a point of chaos everyime and when i saw this, immediately i would say im sorry and think that it can just be forgiven as fast as I brought these things to that point. She would often try and leave and I would follow, getting in her space and being so intrusive as to showing up at her house, still drunk, invading the security and privacy of her own home, pathetically pleading and demanding her to accept my empty appology. This lack of control behaviour when im drunk (that i now see) revealed who I really was subconciously when I wasnt drinking: Irresponsible, immature, disrespectful and just a general testament to my lack of control in my life. In one night I could relive periods in our relationship of me, being so irreponsible and immature and not getting my life together until i brought her to a point of complete misery and sadness and then being so fast to appologize, getting her her space and making her empty promises of change. I never saw that the real change that was needed was for me to stop drinking. So i didnt, and as things continued better at first, theyd just go back to the way they were and again and again i would betray her trust and forgiving nature. I tried in so many ways to make it up to her while continuing to not see my drinking problem. by the way i have never touched her or been physically abusive in ANY way when i was drunk OR sober for that matter. anyway, I knew she wanted me better myself, and get my life on track. I knew I needed to do that to. And I tried for so long without seeing that the real issue was my drinking. I could not better myself and continue to drink. I am still young (23) and she sees so much potential in me and so do I in myself. I have big, realistic, plans for my life and I have the skills and talent to fullfill them, I just never took things day by day to fullfill them. I was busy wasting my life away, making plans for a future I thought would just miraculously happen overnight. Although i am still young, I know from reading and attending AA meetings over the past few weeks that alcohol cannot be apart of me for the rest of my life. I have to end this now before it happens again later on in my life. I cannot even think the alcohol exists or is socially acceptable because i know now that for somepeople and for me that it isn’t. It makes me so sick to even know that this person existed inside of me. and I know ill never for the rest of my life forgive myself for the fact that in order to better my own life I had to make hers a living a hell. It kills me so much and i know i have to accept the things i cannot change but we never had any bad times or arguments or fights when alcohol wasnt involved. We worked like peas and carrots. I love this girl so much. Every single quality about her is like a dream. She is such a beautiful and graceful woman in everyway. In some ways i want to thank her, for all she did for me, for making a better life for me, how much more she means to me now regretfully more than she ever did. It’s so selfish because of all the pain and suffering she went through for me to get here and realize these things. I’ll never forget her, and i know ive got to do this for myself but deep down, although she wont be around with me, i’ll always be making it up to her. It’s something I owe her and that I owe myself. Hell for me isn’t NOT drinking, hell is knowing that its easy to not drink and that i had to put her through so much pain and misery to realize this. I guess this is the price to pay, for all the hell i put her through to better myself, its her turn to make mine hell to better HERSELF. Its really sad coz i know that without alcohol around, we had something so strong, so special and unique. We were bestfriends and although we were different in alot of ways we had such a strong attaction and we complimented eachothers different qualities. Alcohol was the only thing ceasing our relationship from growing. But its over. She doesn’t want me to have anything to do with her life. She wont talk to me or even be near anyone associated with me. which is all of our mutual friends. I just want her to atleast see one day that I attend and will continue to AA regularly (1 – 2 times a week) and Im seeing a therepist once a week. I want her to see that i’m serious and im doing it for myself. I know she wont even care at this point and not even bother to talk to me about it, but like i said, I’m the only one with me now, and i can only make it up to myself. I’ll always be making it up to her in spirit. I’ll never forget her or all the ways shes made my life better. And i’l never get rid of the guilt of destroying her love and what I meant to her, all the chaotic nights and misery just for me to realize theres a better life for me. I know its selfish but I wish she was still around to enjoy all the things I really have to offer her. To enjoy the thousands of good time we had when drinking wasnt involved and the thousands more that could have been. damn im going to miss her.
I have sat reading these stories and cried at each one, they bring such emotion to me. I am nearly 21 and have a 3 year old and live with my partner and have do for three years ( been together for 5) I have said the cliche line before never again and also heard it so many time from him ” im sorry, ill change” and im not sure if its possisble.
he works away all week but still manages to bring me to tears with his hurtful words and when back at weekends ruins it all. im always been threatend with ill kich the f**k out of you, or ill knock your teeth out. he says he loves me and im his world but how can someone who says these things. to him im fat, stupid, a useless mum, shit at everything really. i cant do enough for him but enough is not enough. iv been stangled countless times, slapped hair pulled and headbutted but he never considers this as abuse as he never ‘punched’ me with a closed fist. this is the first time i have spoke about this. i work all week and then look after my son at nights, when he comes back i feel like he doesnt care and spends most his time getting drunk which really hurts me for my childs sake i want him to spend all the time he can with him. i fell like im walking on eggshells all the time. i do love him and really done know what to do. reading all the stories has give me inspiration and hopefully ill get out xxx
I have been reading these stories, and how I sit and think, sounds like me. I had met a man 3 years ago, actually we went to school together. We are both divorced and no children, just the 2 of us. My man is also a alcoholic. I didn’t know this at first, it was just weekend drinking we both did. Until about a year into the relationship and living together, did things turn. He binge drinks, takes off for days, blacks out, when he is home and drinks he is verbally abusive, things he says to me that I cannot believe he says, especially where he is suppose to love me. He has gotton physical with me at times, burns things, goes and drinks with the trash, that he calls his friends. I do not socialize anymore, I do not go out anymore because he embarasses me. He never knows when to stop drinking, he is urinating in the dresser drawers and on the carpet. He also has stopped for days and then starts, we have been to theraphy, he never follows through. Well, I to did not want to leave because I do love this man, and we are so good together when he is sober, the person I want to be with. But, he has turned so mean and nasty. Last Friday I put him out and I haven’t seen him since Sunday. I am trying to be strong, its hard he will not stop calling me, and it just feels so good to hear his voice, but he is also calling me when he is drunk. I am trying really hard to stick to my guns, as I know that I am not going to have any kind of life, as long as he drinks, everytime this happens he promises to change, but he doesn’t. I just can’t take living on pins and needles all the time, what I am going to walk into after work, after what beer is he going to turn nasty. I am 43 and he is 42, and he wants to live like lifes a party. I just can’t do it anymore. I am going to get sick, from the stress, and worry. I can’t drink with him, it turns nasty. I can’t go out with him, it turns nasty. I have begged him to get help before his liver gives out and he gets really ill, but he says he is in fine health, its when you stop drinking that your liver fails. Can you believe that? He has already started drinking and driving now. He has been drinking like this since he was 14. I am just at the end of the road, turn back or go ahead and make a life for myself. I am so hurt, and angry, and cried rivers of tears to last me a lifetime. It feels good though to talk with some people that are living the same way. I am going to really try and stay away from him. Thanks everyone. Would love to talk some more.
Alright, so it is nice to see that i am not alone in this world that others have delt with the same problem i do face, My Finace is a binge drinker, and has been since the moment we have met…. granted he has calmed down…but that is no excuse for what he does. he makes me face more stresses that i can handle…. i am 22 years old and i live a life that i shouldn’t be faced with at all. He drinks at the worst times, and it is usually when i feel that he has finally beaten it. the he comes and picks me up drunk as hell and i end up taking a bus in minus 30 weather because of his actions. not to mention he has a son and i have a daughter as well and i don’t want him to be a role model for my kid, when he has a problem this big. he thinks its because it runs in his family blood but i say that he is full of shit. Alcoholics run in my family to but you dont see me running from my problems, What he does is a choice from himself, not from what his DNA says. I am so tired of it, somedays i want to leave him and just start a new life but i just can’t, i dont want to walk aways from someone i care about, is that wrong? what do i do? i am soooo lost.
After reading these posts again and seeing the new ones im hoping to make contact with someone from this site perhaps via the forum on this site or via email.
Things have gotten worse for me since my last post and i feel i need support from others going through the same thing.
thanks
Hi Lonely, I would be glad to talk chat with you. I can fully understand what you are feeling. Just not sure how to contact you.
My situation is not the greatest neither.
Hi BethAnn
If you are registered on this site – got to the forum and look up the list of all members
I am the newest member rachy.
If you click on my name it will give you ways to contact me. From there we can exchange details.
I look forward to hearing from you and anyone else who wishes to chat.
As i said earlier – knowing someone else is going through the same thing can provide support and comfort.
Hi lonely, I am trying to reach you but having a hard time to find where to register to find you. I want to talk to you, I think it helps to talk about it.
Hi BethAnn (and others)
If you scroll to the top of this page and click on link for alcoholic support forum, then on the right hand side of the page click on the small icon that says members. That will give you a list of all the members. This is the part where you may have to register.(which is free and confidential)
My name is on page 46 – Last member to join on 10.03.09.
I hope this helps
i thought things were getting better but its all started again, we have had a nice week or so but today he went fishing with a friend and came home a mess. i ended up at hospital becos i had bad pains in my head but had to drive mtself there as he was too drunk. how loved do i feel!! came home to find the waste of space in bed grinding his teeth and shouting in his sleep
another wasted weekend another week that ni should have walked away from him, another week of promises to get help.
feel that i will only get out of this prison when one of us dies, how sad is that.
xx
Dear Jane, I know how you are feeling, the guy that I was with did the same. I work all week, and have weekends off, he has ruined so many weekends for me, he drinks, and I stress, and worry, and sit on pins and needles, waiting for it to turn nasty. I cannot depend on him, as well, I could never call him, if I needed him, as he was always drunk as well. I did find the courage and strength to put him out, where I found it I don’t really know. It is hard to walk away from someone you care about and love. It has been 16 days now since I have seen him, but he is hounding me like crazy, with all the promises he is going to make, but I know deep down inside that I have heard it all before, and things will go back just the way they were.It is not a easy road for sure, and I always said that I would know when I had enough. Every episode with the drinking would just get worse and worse. I still love him, and care about him, I am missing the times with him when he didn’t drink, which wasn’t too often. He could not do anything without drinking. I could not even enjoy a bike ride with him, he would take a 8 pack in his knapsack. We could not go out for dinner, and he would drink. The scene gets so hard to deal with. I guess a person has to ask themselves, what they want, and how much of it they can live with. I came to realize that I cannot help him or fix him, he is going to have to hit rock bottom. On the other side of the coin he has been like this since he was 14, he is killing himself, and it doesn’t seem to bother him. When he calls he tells me he will curve the drinking(he can’t it controls him), he wants to compromise(he can’t), he wants me in his life, but he wants the booze too, his love for booze goes higher then his love for me. So I tell him I cannot lice with the booze. I hope that you can make some decisions for yourself, and find the strenth within. We are good hearted people and caring people, we sure do not deserve what we get handed to us, from a alcoholic.
Jane,
sometimes i feel the same way about my marriage. One of may have to die before the cycle ends. Id much rather something changed – but im not sure if thats him or me!!
Keep posting and feel free to join the forum if ou need more support.
please anyone who would like to talk it would be great. i just took an ear full because i know my bf is smarter than me and my kids r horrible (i guess) i can’t stand the truth either.. oh my it really does just keep getting worse doesnt it?
i really want to believe i can change this,can i?
Hi Lisa, in my own experience, yes, it just kept getting worse and worse, I tried many many times, to try and make a better life for my boyfriend and I. Endless talks and compromises, that never lasted. But, it really wasn’t me that had to change, it was him. The love for alcohol controlled everything he did, including hurting me. The verbal abuse got worse and worse, I was very withdrawn, and sad a lot. I had to walk away, I love this man with my whole heart and soul, and care very deeply for him. If I ever wanted a chance at a normal life, I had to walk away. I tried it all, councelling, addiction services, he never follwe’ed anything through.
It has been 17 days since I have seen him, he hounds me constantly on the phone drunk or sober, but he is not going to do anything to change his life. He wants me and the alcohol, well the alcohol won, because I could not compete with it anymore. A woman always says she would not want to loose her man to another woman, but to a bottle? Not sure which hurts worse. It’s only you Lisa that can change your situation, only the decisions you make for yourself,and your kids, its him that can if he really wants to change his life. But, also on the other side of the coin, its easier said then done, I have been there, I know what it is like, and I took him back many of times, in hope that what he promised to do, he would do, but he never did. I am thinking about you, be strong.