Alcohol and abusive relationships
Alcohol is a common feature in abusive relationships, so if your partner is an alcoholic you might have to deal with erratic mood swings and unpredictable behaviour, arguments and aggression, recklessness (DUIs), the risks to your children and so on.
So how do you confront a partner about their drinking? (when it is often a very touchy subject) Usually, people learn to avoid the issue, simply changing the subject when it comes up. And so the situation continues for years, unless you decide to address it.
But quite often each person may be so afraid of loneliness, or have such low self-esteem that they believe themselves unlovable, that no-one else would have them, that they couldn’t survive alone. This co-dependency makes people tolerate more than they should have to, in order to stay together.
The abuse of alcohol might affect your relationships in many ways. But those same close relationships are often the ones that can perpetuate alcoholism. A dysfunctional marriage can be so much stress for anyone involved – if your first choice for coping with that is alcohol, then you can see how some people justify their drinking by blaming it on their husband/wife.
If the extra drinking that arises from relationship problems itself makes those problems worse, then a very messy loop can develop.
Alcohol can serve a number of purposes in a relationship -
- a temporary boost in self-esteem,
- soothing anger or escaping from conflict (which often leads to more arguments or even domestic violence),
- an emotional escape from unhappiness,
- exerting control through defiance of the partner’s requests not to drink.
Alternatively, if you’ve decided you want to quit drinking, but your partner still drinks heavily, then you might have real difficulty resisting temptation – there you are trying to have a sober day, when your husband is cracking open a bottle of wine for the evening!
This sometimes happens as a form of sabotage too – if a couple both have a problem with alcohol, your partner might not want you to get sober, might not want you to get your confidence back.
This is all sounding rather gloomy, surely there’s a light at the end of the tunnel? Of course, your close relationships can be your biggest source of support and encouragement. Even if you might think you’ve damaged some relationships beyond repair, the people who care about you will still be there if they can see you really want to change.
Lisa
i echo what BethAnn says to you. The only person you have control over is yourself. The only person you can change is yourself. The only person who can control or change your boyfriend – is your boyfriend.
If you want things to change – perhaps start by thinking what things you want and how YOU can make those things happen. I think the natural progression of this way of thinking can start the ball rolling towards you reclaiming your life from an alcoholic.
Your comment about your kids suggests to me that they may be picking up on the unhappy atmosphere at home and perhaps copying some of the undesireable behaviour. As their mother you can change their environment and the living situation they have.
Please come back if you need to talk and off load.
Can someone please give me some advice? One of my closest friends was doing so well, he had stopped drinking, smoking, was taking care of his kids after he got custody of them. We were all so supportive and happy! Then he hooked up with this woman that is known in this town for her servere alcoholism. she lives in the bars 7 nights a week. She lost her job, lives with her mother who takes care of her kids.
He has gone off the deep end for this woman. He is spending tons of money in the bars on her and paying her bills. He has a heartbroken girlfriend at home that tolerates this because she loves the children and someon needs to care for them.
Someone please talk to me about relationships where both people are severe drinkers. Will this last, is the attraction merely alcohol? what will it take for him to stop neglecting his children? Everyone knows she is using him for her bar tab and bills.
All of his friends and family are heartbroken. I am crying typing this. We have tried to talk to him, get angry, we have tried everything. please help!
Hi Concerned
Let me get this straight – this guy has left his girlfriend who isn’t the mother of his children, and is cheating on her with another alcoholic? The girlfriend is now looking after his kids – fully aware of his betrayal? Im sorry if ive interpreted your story wrong.
Im not sure there is anything anyone can do about him and his behaviour. Only he can do anything to change his behaviour. In my opinion the girlfriend needs to make herself an ex, and the children need to be placed with a family member so that they are kept safe and away from this destructive behaviour.
Only then may this guy sit up and take notice about where he has landed.
I know its sad and traumatic for all involved but softly softly hasn’t worked and i hate to hear that children are suffering because of a parents irresponsibility with drink. The future cost of this behaviour may be too high for him.
As for whether this relationship will last – it may do, simply due to its selfish nature. They need each other to feel normal. However if your friend wakes up and realises he’s messing his life up he will probably drop her like a hot potato.
You don’t say how long this has been going on but you sound like it has been going on a while. Its too heartbreaKing to let it go on any longer.
I hope your friend finds the strength to get on the wagon again before he loses everything he clearly worked so hard for in the first place. Would this site be any help to him?
i hope you find some answers
x
thank you for responding. yes i was a bit emotional writing that, so it may have got all jumbled together. let me put it more simply.
My friend has drank for years. when he got custody of his kids, i was able to convince him to straighten up. he had two young sons now who were watching him closely. him and his girlfriend have raised the boys for 5 years now. the childrens real mother is in jail for drugs. so they only know this girlfriend as their mother.
My friend, has hooked up recently (last two months) with a known alcoholic woman in this town. she has lost her job and her own kids due to her severe drinking. My friend has gone off the deep end, rarely is ever home anymore with his girlfriend or kids. he spends every waking moment when not working with this other woman, who is spending all his money, and keeping him drunk 7 nights a week. he is going to lose his job and his home, not to mention his health if he doesnt get a handle on it.
The girlfriend that lives with him stays at home with the children because she fears that if she leaves, they will be left alone and she doesnt want “another mother figure” to leave them. they are quite emotional children.
My friend, is no longer allowed (because of the alcoholic woman) to talk to any of his old friends anymore and in particular me (I am female, if that makes a difference and him and I have been close friends for ten years). he no longer communicates with any of us, talks to us or anything. his behaviour and “change” has become heartbreaking. this woman has forbidden that he talk to any of us anymore.
I guess my question is this. This bond between him and this woman, this bond of alcohol, is it just a train wreck waiting to happen? something we should not get involved in? I dont understand the addiction of alcohol and drugs, so i apologize for my ignorance. we all know that this women will use him up then move on to the next one, he just doesnt see it. and actually, thats not my concern anymore. my concern is for the boys.
I am so angry at him. so very angry and feel so very helpless.
thank you again for your kind words and advice. I didn’t know what else to do but try to get some of it out of my system by posting on here.
Hi Concerned,
I feel for you i really do. This feeling of helplessness is i think quite common among those of us struggling to live with an alcoholic.
I would suggest that this bond you talk about between your friend and this woman will not last into sobriety. It may not last more than another week. It is all about the drink. In reality what do they have in common?
Alcoholism is a selfish addiction and your friend is unable to see the damage and hurt he is causing around him right now. I understand your anger and i suggest if there is anything you can do to support his boys and ease their pain then go ahead and do it.
Feel free to keep posting and getting it out – i myself find it very theraputic to talk to other people who are trying to have a life with an alcoholic.
I hope you and your friend can find the support you need.
hi everyone!
its the weekend again, hope we all survive it, pay day too for us so not looking forward toit, 2 weeks without drinking but feel that he will make up for it.
love and strength to all.
xx
REALLY NEED TO BE STRONG AND LEAVE, feels like i get unhappier every day, i deserve happiness not a drunk husband that doesnt seem to care if im here or not, he still insists that he loves me. it sure doesnt feel that way.
xx
thank you lonley. I appreciate your response and all your kind words.
I find if I separate myself from it all, that it is not so painful, I cant watch it. him and i are not the close friends we use to be and for that i am sad. i simply can no longer watch him on his path of self destruction. him and this women are a train wreck waiting to happen, but so many innocent bystanders will be hurt by it.
thank you again.
My heart sinks at reading all of the stories here, Because it is my life flashing before me. I am engaged to an alcoholic, we have been together for 4 years off and on, He left me and then I left him only return., why, because I love him.
Tonight he came home 2 hours late was drinking again, walked in like nothing was wrong, I said { are you seriously gonna walk in here like nothing is wrong} he left and went home to his house. I feel like I am so stupid, loving someone who does not care about my feelings… He just got out of jail in Oct for his 3rd dwi, 4 years probation, I know its a matter of time before he gets pulled over again, and I hate to say it but it will be better for me if he does then I can walk away and put him behind me. I will not wait for him to get out of jail. but i think it is my only way out of this relationship…. He is verbally abusive and I am a good woman and work 2 jobs to make ends meet, I don’t need this…. {tear}
Concerned – you are welcome – i hope things work out for your friend and for you in the near future.
Jane and Susan – I understand how you feel – its very hard to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. Its not really a relationship at all in the traditional sense.
Be strong and do what is right for you – one step at a time. You will get to where you want to be. If you want to chat with me then follow my instruction further up this page.
Take care everyone
Hi, I have been with my husband for almost 9 years and when he is sober he is a wonderful husband and father. It’s only on the weekends that I hate the person he becomes. He has not been physically abusive but does verbally abuse me in any manner he can. From the very beginning alcohol has been a problem. God only knows how many times I broke up with him and kicked him out, but I always go back. For love, for my daughter and other reasons I really do not know. He has cheated on me once that I know, I am not sure if it has occured since. He cannot control his drinking and I am tired. I just want to live in peace. I am seriously thiking of leaving him. Ladies I am crying out for help, I don’t know what to do. I have been depressed ever since my daughter was born and have been struggling with it, and he does not think it has nothing to do with him. I am a teacher, working on a masters degree and have tons of work and he drinks. I AM TIRED. What should I do?
I am still not with my ex after nearly 8 months. Although we did get back together briefly a few times I have not seen him at all for four months. Keeping away from him has been one of the hardest things that I’ve ever done but I had to do it for my own sanity and happiness. I still love him and I don’t want to see anyone else but I want everyone to know that it is possible to make the break and have a happy life without the alcoholic you love. Does anyone ever wonder why or how they could love someone who treats them so badly? Why do we believe we deserve that when most people wouldn’t? I’ve thought long and hard about this and I read an amazing book that really helped me… it’s called ‘Codependent no more’ by Melody Beattie. I really recommend it to you all. It helped me move on in myself and look after myself for once, instead of trying all the time to solve someone else’s problem. I realised that my relationship with an alcoholic had turned me into a person that I didn’t like anymore because I had become controlling towards him because he had taken all the control away from me and my life. Your life is the one you have to take care of, not someone else’s… that’s their responsibility and your responsibility is to take care of your children (if you have them) and yourself. Please read the book – you’ll be amazed at how relevant it is to you and how much it makes you feel better and gives you the strength to live your own life.
Lucy, it fills me with hope to read your post. So good to read someone who has gone through the thing we fear the most – leaving the alcoholic….
However i still don’t see it happening for me. I believe i have been thoroughly weakened and co-dependent on my husband.
I will however look up the book you mention. Perhaps i will find strength inside me. I wonder often, how it is that the behaviour of my husband has become ‘normal’ to me. how he treats me or speaks to me is just ‘his way’. I know i am unhappy, and very very lonely.
I feel like im waiting to be rescued – that someone else will step in and stop this for me. Like as though im unable to do it for myself.
Keep posting – your positivity will hopefully catch on.
Dear Lonely, you do have the strength to find a better life – it is still within you, you have just had the stuffing knocked out of you. The book will really really help, it’s spot on and I think you’ll recognise yourself on every page. Why should you spend your life paying for your husband’s mistakes? If you really love him it’s possible that you could salvage your relationship one day… but I do believe that you’ll have to leave first, make a good life for yourself, fall in love with yourself again and only then will you both be capable of starting a new relationship together. Losing you may be just what he needs, who knows?.. but an exciting new life is available to you whatever happens with him and you deserve to be happy. I do think you will be happier away from him – it will be so so hard but I think it’s worth it. Your husband may not even realise how bad he is until you make a stand. Even if you decide not to leave him (which is understandable), read the book because it will give you the strength to disengage from his problems and live a life of your own (even if you are still together) and it will help you to care about yourself.
Keep in touch, Lucy.
I to have lived like you and Lonely. My last 3 years have been kicking him out and taking him back. I did get strong for a bit and kicked him out in March, and didn’t see him for 3 weeks, then he decided he was going to quit drinking AGAIN!!! Until he fell off the wagon AGAIN!! We are not living together anymore and I have made that quit clear that I don’t want to live with him. I suffered A LOT of verbal abusive from him when he drinks.
It’s like you say its hard to pull away when you care and love the person.
I too, as lonely, I am going to get this book. I know that in my head its the right thing to do, is walk away for good, but its hard to do. I know that he is no good for me, I am tired as well, and I don’t socialize much anymore, and I don’t eat or sleep well. He is dragging me down. I had the strength, for the 3 weeks, where did it go? I do know with summer approaching he is worse with the drinking, then in the winter. I feel I deserve a good summer, more then I got in the last 3 years. Hats off to you for the 8 months you have in. Keep in touch.
Hi My wife of 30 years is an alcoholic and I just dont know which to turn
She started drinking heavily about 4 years ago and now is drinking 24 / 7 any time she lies that she is drunk even when she cant walk
it is killing me and my 2 daugters
Please help someone
Gary, you need to go to someone for help. Al-Anon is a good place to start- it’s for families of Alcoholics. You and your girls could go to meetings together. Your wife’s alcoholism sounds very bad though – would it help to talk to your gp? Don’t be embarrassed about asking for help – you can’t deal with this on your own.
Good luck Gary, you’ll be ok with some help.
Lucy I would like to chat to you more about this book you mentioned.
Many failed attempts with my boyfriends drinking. You seemed to have found the strength.
Oh, reading through these posts so much of it is hitting home. I too have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for too long and keep taking him back on the promise that ‘things will change’ but they never do. Everytime I think he sounds like he gets it and understands how much he is hurting his family the next thing he turns it around pointing out my faults and failures deflecting blame. He hates that I’m labelling him an ‘alcoholic’ – well that is exactly what he is. He thinks that being sober for a week or two proves his not – ha! This time I’m feeling stronger and I’m not going back. Yes I’m tired but too tired to put up with it any longer. I and my little one doesn’t need it. Maybe because I grew up with a alcoholic parent i’ve been too tolerant of it, I don’t know. I’m smart, known all the things people are telling me but still found it so hard to accept. I’ve never had my sister tell me off like she did yesterday in an effort to stop me going back again. God damn it – he is so convincing and sweet when he is not drinking but a Pr*Ck when he is. Alcohol has caused so much damage to my life so far – I’ll be damned if it is going to be such a big part of my future. I’m strong and so can you be!
Tired,
you sound like me. Im so tired of having the same conversations with my alcoholic husband trying to make him see how muh his drinking is hurting me and our little one. He just can’t see how difficult he is making my life. I have reached apoint where even when he is sober i am well aware that it is not forever and that he will binge again – it is inevitable. The only thing i need to do now really is find myself somewhere to live. Im refusing to just run away with just a bag of belongings to my name – im going to take everything that I have worked hard for and im going to seek legal advice as much as possible on how to keep myself safe and separate from him.
When he is sober he is fully functioning completely competant person and this is how the world sees him.
Im sick of living how i am and desperatly dreaming of a life where i live without him, but absolutely terrified of custody issues and financial independance.
He genuinly believes i am the one with the problem – that i am a ‘party pooper’. Yet im the one left to miserably raise our family and manage the bills and household issues whilst he somehow spends £300 a week on drinking and clubbing with mates!!! Of course there is never any money for family events unless i pay for them out of my part time wage!!
It feels unfair, stressful and miserable, as wellas lonely and depressing. I don’t understand why he continues to say he loves me and that he wants this relationship. Not when he is so verbally abusive to me and so disrespectful of my feelings and they way in which i wish to live my life and raise my children.
Thats not love – its abuse.
Im going to be making plans for leaving in secret so that he can not sabotage them or finds out where im going.
Keep posting people.We have to be strong to move forward with our lives.
thanks for listening again
Lonely – go girl! I’m so proud of you and pleased that you have obviously turned that corner and made that decision. It will be hard at first but stick to your guns because you will be so much happier. Please don’t worry about money – you will be financially much better off without someone who drinks all that money away. You’ll be surprised at how much richer you feel, in so many ways. And please everyone, listen to Lonely – you are NOT being loved, you are being ABUSED. Alcoholics are not capable of love because they don’t love themselves and the love of their life is alcohol, not you, and it will always come first. The drink will be their only love and first priority – before you, themselves, their children, because alcohol rules them. But stop feeling sorry for them, because it is not your fault and they shouldn’t make it your problem. You deserve better than that and life is too short to be ruled by someone else’s problem.
Well done Lonely, I’m right behind you and please keep in touch.
And BethAnn – the book is about co-dependancy. There are many on the subject and you, I and everyone who loves an alcoholic is co-dependant (not sure how to spell that!) but you can break-free… I have, Lucy is and if you read the book you’ll find it a lot easier than without it. Good luck all.
I still feel like im sinking!
Im stuck in this limbo world of indecision.
Im ordering the book for sure, cos im sick of saying im not happy and that i want change and then doing nothing but watching things happen around me.
I guess im still struggling with the idea that I would let this happen to me!! How is it that our relationship – over time become one where it was ok for him to go on 3 day drinking binges, or to not come home all night? Or to spend all our savings? Of course we fight about it but if i try to ‘discuss’ it with him, he shrinks away from it and just says it’ll never happen again and for me to leave it alone, or stop living in the past!!!!!!
So much i want out of my life, and it breaks my heart that all my original plans have fallen asided due to his selfish behaviour and drinking.
I always appreciate the comments on this site and draw strength from knowing it doesn’t have to be this way.
Hello, i feel im sinking too. In fact I think Ive sunk. Im in a relationship with a man who thank god doesnt live with me but who for the past 2 years has slowly ground me down. Ive realised its a pattern – he gets so pissed, it reaches a head which now ends in violence. Next day he’s sorry, full of remorse, wants a life etc etc. The next day because he’s not had a drink hes distant and moody and then engineers an excuse to go to the pub because of my behaviour! I dont understand why Im letting this happen. He can be so lovely but I am now spending another sunday alone and hurting while hes in the pub. I cant seem to break free. Im independant. Im a driving instructor and 50 years old next month. My sons have left home and Ive been swallowed up by verbal abuse that has stuck so much to me I feel I cant shake it off. I wish I was stronger – I used to be. Well I tell you what Im going to be strong because he has reduced me to this and theres no other way but up. Life is too short for unhappiness and nothing can be worse than this.
It doesn’t have to be this way Lonely. There is light at the end of that long tunnel and I’m sure that you will find it. You will find the strength to make a new life for yourself because you want a different life and you deserve so much better than what you have now.
Im wondering why more people don’t post on this section of the site – Living with an alcoholic is the worst thing in the world and i’m sure there are thousands of women suffering with no one to talk too.
Ive been away trying to figure out what the hell im going to do with my pathetic life. Im no longer sure if alcohol is my husbands problem, its his personality. Hes selfish, self centred, thoughtless, inconsiderate, mean and agresssive. Is this made worse by drinking? – hell yes!! But having spent the last 3 weeks with him sober i realise its more than the alcohol now.
He genuiely has no idea the sort of hell ive been through in the last 2 years cos of his drinking. Perhaps because im still with him?!?! I wanted our family back together so so badly i failed to realise it may be broken too much for us to repair. Hes a lousy husband to me and has done little if anything to make amends between us.
He may not remember the horrible things he said to e whilst drunk but i bloody do. The fact that ive been told ive ‘let myself go’ and that he has found other girls attractive is so painful it makes me cry myself to sleep at night (i sleep alone every night because he comes to bed 3 hours after i go to bed)
The obvious solution to my pathetic miserable life is to get rid – i know this, i would actively encourage it if someone was repeating this story to me. But for reasons i can’t fathom yet – i can’t. Im stuck. Im reading Co-dependant no more as recommended by girls on this site, and i identify with so much but i think im still waiting for decisions to be made for me – i seem incapable of doing it myself.
Stupid i know. I would like to say that co-dependant behaviour for me is hard to break out of because i rely on my husband in theory to help me as we have small children. I can’t just do as i please at any time – because i need him to be home to take care of the kids – what sort of mother would i be if i joined him in the please yourself attitude???? So in a lot of ways im co-dependant and can’t change it. No hobbies or activities or meeting friends in the evenings cos i can’t leave him drunk with babies (if he comes home at all that is)
My sign in name ‘lonely’ has never felt more relevant then at this dark time in my life.
Please talk to me….
I am hurting too. I had waited 7 years for a man that I fell in love with to
get divorced. He finally did. I dated him for 2 years and put up with the
baby-momma drama because he had 2 kids under 12. He has a lot of money
from an inheritance which I guess is good because he has lost his great job
due to alcoholism, even after rehab. I slowly broke the relationship and then
felt bad and really missed him. He would cheat on me with his ex wife and
she would call me and tell me this on several occasions after it occurred.
I have put up with verbal abuse, had the police remove him from my house.
Stated he never used cocaine, however, gave my son some “that he had in
the house.”
Lonely-
Don’t forget there’s a forum on this site with over 2000 members, all sharing support about issues like this – here’s a link to the section on relationships.
Likewise Lonely, your life seems a mirror image to mine. Silly me I went back again and again since my last post. Why? I wish I knew… suckered in by that smile and promises of a better future. That I’m the only one for him and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. That was when I woke up. Spend the rest of my life on this rollercoaster ride? – I don’t, but I’ve learnt the patterns, apology: promises: begging and when that won’t work verbal abuse then it starts over again. Two months off the booze – I did have high hopes than one night out with friends and the next week drinking every night. Same old pattern. I’ve been called every name under the sun, told I’m ruining our daughters life and I’m going to live to regret my decision to leave. That I have a bad case of “the grass is greener on the other side”. All pathetic attempts to shoot down my self esteem so I go running back to him again. I’m trying to stay strong, but the doubts still come “am I doing the right thing?” I hope so, for my daughters sake and my own.
Tired,
Indeed we seem to be living the same life. My husband says the same things to me – abusive when he thinks hes in control – i.e. drunk. Dismissive of me in our day to day life and then sorry and begging when i imply or make a move to leave.
I truely think that leaving is the right thing. How can what you are doing be worse than what he is doing? I am reassured by friends and family that i will find someone who loves me more than the bottle. Who will put me first. However i often have the feeling of ‘oh my god is this really right?’ i also worry about the custody issues with my husband, im not sure yet but i think he would fight me just to make a point.
I guess we have to believe in ourselves, to not remain victims anymore and to provide a safe and reliable environment at home for our children. Lets be honest they aren’t going to have that if we stay. As much as they may play with our heart strings and the guilt strings. Its not because they love us. Its because they want us to help them all the time.
I am in the process of getting out. In about 10 weeks i hope to be free. Im taking it a day at a time and trying to let as much as possible wash over me. No point stressing about what i can’t change.
Join me on the forum as linked above by admin and we should chat some more. provide moral support in our similar situations!!
Take care of yourself
Lonely can I ask which thread you are posting too?
hi tired,
click on the link provided by admin above. I post on the ‘how to cope with an alcoholic partner’
I would like to update on this page. That me and my husband have separated. Fairly amicably under the circumstances. Its been 4 weeks and life is changing for me. Day by day.
I hope others can find a way to be free from their alcoholic partners.
Hi, I was glad to find your site and read what you gals are going through with an alcoholic partner. I have been with my guy for a little over a year. we met miraculousy and it seemed like god put us together. We have so much in common and I truly Love this man and I am not co-dependant. But, what you had to say seems like the same pattern with my guy. I told him up front I would not tollerate a man with an addiction like alcohol–but a year later he’s still abusing it, making excused not to let go of it, turning problems arroud on me, etc… It is hard, even though you truly love someone, to let them go because they are affecting your life sooo much in the negative. I know I can not help him, he must do this himself. He knows what he has in me so if he loosed me it may help him more than if I stay. I don’t want to be an enabler by staying. I think he believes if he can fool me long enough, I will get used to it and stay. He is decieving himself. I will never get used to it! I told him if he wants to play that game he will need a 22 year old that is nieve! We are both in our mid 40′s and I have been through enough in my life I am not easily decieved–at all. I think I will visit the forum and read some more!
Thanks for sharing