So how does a person handle it when almost ALL recovered addicts/alkies say, Go To A Meeting (12-step) as if that is the ONLY way to stay sober? It’s either AA, they say, or “jails, institutions or death”. Grim stuff indeed.

Also, just for the record, I am a woman, 5’7, 200 lbs, and I eat before drinking. My most recent binge I drank 10 shots of vodka and did not throw up or black out. But could it have killed me? Is it in that range?

Thank you if any one comments.

These comments have all been amazing and sadly I see myself in many of them. I wrote an article myself on just this topic, I want to share it as it sums me up and how I’m feeling/ coping. (I won’t post the address of the blog as don’t want to be seen as spamming. I just want to post what I had written.). So, here it is, I guess it’s the best way to sum me up. sadly I have fallen off the wagon again, within days of writing this actually. And also, thank you for everyones openess and honesty:

The article was titled, “I have a problem”.

When I turned 18 I said I didn’t want to drink. I hadn’t had more than a glass of wine at Christmas dinner at most. I wasn’t one of those kids that bought bottles of cider at 14 and sat drinking with friends. To be fair that might be more to the fact I had few people I would call a friend.

When I turned 18 it was almost considered a thing to do to drink, I actually refused but a friend insisted on giving me a beer. It was awful. Hated it. Then a few months later I decided I wanted to see what being drunk was like. I was a pathetic lightweight- 1 Barcadi Breezer and two pints of beer and I was right royally fucked. I ran out of the bar pretending to be Superman and decided to lick the pavement. Not my best moment. But from then on I started drinking. Not much, once every couple of weeks, then that turned in to a 2 litre bottle of cider every Saturday night.

When my nan died and I found myself living by myself this regular cider soon became cheap white cider because it got me pissed easily and was only £2 a bottle. This continued and soon became a two or three times a week habit. I would sometimes wait until my pay went in at midnight on a Thursday and then headed out to a late bar. When I was on job Seekers allowance I would go to the Spar at midnight to buy a bottle of Vodka- usually with a friend, at that stage I wouldn’t drink a spirit by myself. That’s what alcoholics do.

Sometimes I’d get a box of wine and drink most of it in one night. I could, and can drink a lot. I can comfortably drink at least twice what my friends can. And some of them can drink well.

I did think I had a problem once, I was losing time at work and eventually lost my job because of the amount of times I called in “sick”. I wasn’t always a nice drunk- never violent I must add. But verbally I could be insanely vicious. I never got a punch though. And I have had some amazing times whilst drunk- one memory involves me and a friend drinking whisky in a small pub in a village before deciding to try and walk the 40 miles form Leicester to Birmingham, across fields and through deserted woods. We called directory enquiries and asked for directions and stopped motorists to ask- pretending we were in the army and on manoeuvres. Also if it wasn’t for the Dutch courage the booze gave me in talking to women I would not be as – how to put this delicately? – “Experienced” as I am now. Drunk in moderation alcohol can be part of a fun night and healthy lifestyle.

I moved to Scotland just over 5 years ago and moved in with my dad. He is an alcoholic. Been clean for a couple of years now and doing well. But sitting drinking with him some nights I was intrigued to find I could get rather close to matching him drink for drink. In the past few years I’ve tended to drink – get drunk really – twice a week on average. Previously it was two 2 litre bottles of regular cider twice a week (I haven’t touched the white stuff in years, well not with enough frequency to discuss it here.). So basically I was having around 15 pints of cider a week. Every week.

Now as an aside I should say I don’t want to discuss the “21 Units Recommended Weekly Intake” because it’s flawed and only good as a scare tactic. One person could healthily drink 40 units, another struggle past 10. As a guideline it’s not bad, but as anything else it’s not worth considering.

I can also quite easily put away a bottle of 40% spirit in one night, and since I have stopped drinking cider – on a low carb diet! – I have pretty much replaced the cider with spirits. Now that is not only damaging to my wallet but also substantially more alcohol than is in the cider. Looking at 30 units a bottle I can easily put up to 60 units a week away. And that’s not good in anybody’s book.

A short while back I wrote a poem about my feelings of drink and my dad. I suppose here is a good a place as any to share it:

“The kitchen’s in a mess again

A dark and wretched stinking den

12 litres of cider on the side

All now empty

Cleaning? Why try?

Promises made. Promises broken.

We’re out of electric. Cider or tokens

There’s food in the fridge to last us a day.

But payments at least a fortnight away.

Begging and borrowing just to get drunk.

Grammatically slurred, and breath of a skunk

Missed opportunities and screw ups in life

Wasted potential, and of course other people’s strife.

Regrets and remorse. Swearing to stop.

Tomorrow though, “promise”. Tonight just one more drop.

Sausages. Pizza. Chips fried in fat.

Too lazy to cook anything but crap.

You see I live with my father. An alcoholic. A drunk most of his life.

And it’s his kitchen. His regrets. His cider on the side.

I look at the man on the sofa. The man I’ll grow to be.

But with a heavy heart I look in the mirror, and realise that’s already me.”

Now I don’t wake up craving alcohol. Never have. I never get withdrawals, and I never get the shakes. I don’t usually drink during the day and I don’t drink every day- I can’t actually. Two days in a row is too much to take. But any sensible person would say I’m drinking too much.

As I mention earlier, this isn’t even the first time I’ve thought this. Years ago I was concerned about my drinking and made an attempt to control it. But failed. Since I started drinking 10 years ago I think the longest I have gone without a drink is 6 weeks- and that is because I had to. After a rather abusive phone call to my then partner I was ordered off the booze by her and lasted 6 weeks. Then I was back on it. Apart from that time the longest I have gone is a fortnight, that was recently. And that is where the link to my mental health comes in.

I was off booze for a fortnight, and this coincided with me feeling fan-bloody-tastic. The best I’ve felt. My depression had lifted and I felt eager, energized and back to some semblance of my “old self”. I wasn’t sure at the time just what was having the effect- was it my new meds? Was it my new exercise regime? That I’d lost weight? Was it that I was drinking less? Was it all of the above?

My meds are certainly helping, but being off the booze had a major effect that now I’m drinking again I have noticed a serious dip. And my paranoia is back (Not helped by the fact I’ve forgotten my meds these past few days).

And also, I don’t like drunk me. He’s a prick. He’s amusing up to a certain stage, but then he becomes a bit of a dick. Demanding of more booze, banter becomes rude, a bit of a lecherous old git and generally not a very nice person. Not one I’d want to spend time with. But the most devastating thing has been the way it has affected my depressive mood.

I’m almost feeling as if I’m back to square one. My mood is low, my fear of going out has returned. And I’ve done some really stupid things in the past week that I’m ashamed of. Some I’m not ashamed of, but would have happened with or without drink eventually anyway.

I don’t say I’m an alcoholic. But I do say I have a problem. And this problem is having such a detrimental effect on my health that I need to address it now. But, I don’t know how. Social situations almost demand you drink and not drinking leads to all sorts of assumptions from others. I do have a problem but I don’t want people in the pub to think that! What I do know is I don’t like feeling like this, I see the affect it is having on my wallet, my social life, my friends and my mental health. I don’t like being like this, I don’t like drunk me. And at this stage, simply saying “cut down” won’t work. I can’t cut down. I can’t just decide to have one drink in a bar, I want another and another and another. For the sake of my mental health above all I need to stop. Do I need to stop forever? Maybe. Can I accept that I might have to stop forever? No. I can completely understand the alcoholic mantra of “I’m not going to drink TODAY”. Because admitting you might have a problem is hard. Seeing how it affects your mental health is distressing.

So for my health, my sanity and my friends… I’m not going to drink today.

Cheers

Ash

Would you mind expanding on the body cellular level comment? I am wondering if the demon I love to release and hate to clean up after is a result of a childhood incident (death of a parent) or genetic inevitability. I’m 42 and have personality altering binging blackouts, heavy anxiety for days after sobering up and won’t drink for weeks after an episode as i like to call it. Then it’s time to act like a normal social person and join business associates for a drink. You know, grown men who like to bond and say ‘man, that guy doesn’t drink, what a goober!!! And I agree because I don’t want to be that nerd pack. Well 4 hours later I leave and my alter ego takes over and is the life of the party and escalates through the roof with animated super ape like energy. Next day I wake up and for a second am wondering why I feel so numb and my brain is not working. Dang, I am still hammered, but from what? I vaguely remember the third or fourth drink around 7pm. Look at my phone, txt someone at 1:30am “thanks bro!”. Wht was that all about? Anyways I have a thousand epic binge stories and no longer want to be that guy anymore. Every one ended the same. Severe Anxiety, vomiting, headache, chills, shame, more anxiety, my wife extremely impressed with me amplifying all those feelings and down the hellish spiral I go. Now go back and read from “Then it’s time to act like a normal social person and join business associates for a drink…” and never stop reading. The eternal loop that needs cutting.

You are all special like me, why are we like this? I demand to know.

I wish he could go out and have just a beer but he cannot moderate himself and that is where I see the issue. I have always been saying I am going to leave you if you don’t stop. First it was fights while he was black out drunk now its him getting sick and wetting the bed. I am over this and want him to change but that is exactly what I should not do. I need to look after myself first and remember what makes me happy. I am praying he will change his ways and prove to me he is able to better himself.

I would drink alone sometimes for the entire weekend. I would go weeks without drinking and sometimes have no trouble controlling how much I drank. Over the last 6 months my bingeing got much worse and I would fool myself into thinking that if I could control it last time I drank surely I could control it this time. 3 days after my DUI I admitted myself into an intensive outpatient program. I wanted to do this before my DUI but was too embarrassed to take that step.

Please hear me when I say binge drinking will destroy your life – seek help NOW before you wind up in trouble like me. Never in a million years did I think I would get behind the wheel. I was able to control that even when completley hammered. I would hide in the house because I didn’t want anyone to see how drunk I was. I was able to realize I was drunk. My bingeing progressed to the point that I lost control of myself. I could have killed someone!

Best of luck to you all.

Its one of those things where you just have to wait until the time is right. Personal circumstances, the way you feel, the time in your life are all factors. I seem to have hit the right time, which is why im finding that i can stop now.