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Cheryl
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Personal Journals/Blogs

Post by Cheryl » 25 Feb 2008 20:19

Here's a thread for telling your story . . . and reading about others' journeys.

Beth Braveheart
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by Beth Braveheart » 25 Feb 2008 20:54

Hi there
Well done on day 2! I have struggled with alcohol addiction for over 20 years now. Although I didn't considerI had a problem until I tried to give up and couldn't. Ultimately now I have lost my job, my husband of only 5 years prefers to live in a different country, and my life has pretty much unravelled - all due to alcohol. My consumption was around 2 bottles of white wine per day, and altho at the end of the drinking I hated it - felt trapped, I still couldn't stop the craving, and feel relieved when I get that first glass down my neck. I was detoxed in hospital at beginning of Feb, and stayed sober for a whole 2 weeks!!!! Big deal. Lost the fight against the craving on Saturday when my flesh felt like it was raw and crawling, and everything seemed like a big deal. Couldn't cope with even the smallest problem so got 3 bottles of wine in. My 14 yr old was out for the day so managed to hide my drinking from her, and remain even sober - ish when she came back. Felt disgusted with myself on Sunday, so got another bottle - and she found out and was horrified - pouring the best part of a full bottle down the sink. I was then horrified, but I wasn't prepared for how upset she was. She was crying and I didn't realise I was so different when I drinking. She said she knew something was wrong because I wasn't myself. I thought I had covered it up well. I hadn't.

She ended up slamming into her room and was inconsolable. I felt terrible. Decided to go to bed and woke at the usual 4am that I do when frequently drinking, unable to sleep until getting up at 7am, to try to apologise for the night before. Needless to say, after she went to school I felt like shit, all day, but have decided not to carry on drinking. Wasn't going to go out but a new after care group has started up in my town and has a group on a Monday and Friday morning for people like me in recovery. I didn't want to even go out the door but made myself go. My feelings of shame are compounded by physical pain in my chest (anxiety) and general fear. It was good to get to the meeting, to support and get support from like people.

Trying not to hate myself, and stumbled on this forum this evening. It is great to know there are so many like people out there. I spend a lot of time isolating and my head just won't shut up!! I need to get out and exercise. I just want to go to bed now but have to help my daughter with her homework first. I am going to start praying (am not religious) for a sober day tomorrow, and try to get that panicky feeling to stop in other ways (not narcotic as have an addiction to OTC drugs too, which I have cut down.)

Anyone any suggestions for herbal remedies that help calm you down? I have to stop drinking as I am destroying my own life and risking the disrespect of my family. I have a love hate relationship with AA - am very confused over messages. I just want to lead a happy productive useful life! Anyway, I don't think my ramblings are any use but I just wanted to make contact and sound off before I go mad!!!

Good luck with staying stopped. I know from experience that after a few days of no wine, the benefits outweigh the drink..... I just have to sit it out!
God bless x

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star1
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by star1 » 25 Feb 2008 20:55

Thanks for caring, I hope everyone else is okay.

The only reason that I got through today was because I knew the support was here if I got stuck or into trouble. I can't believe how much difference it makes.

Thank you all x

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star1
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by star1 » 25 Feb 2008 21:04

Sorry Beth, I think you must have posted while I was typing my post. Just reading yours now.............

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star1
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by star1 » 25 Feb 2008 21:13

Beth,

I know exactly how you feel, my 12 year old son reacts exactly the same way as your daughter. I remember one day a while ago I decided to get a bottle of vodka, hide it in my handbag and swig it in the bathroom till he went to bed. I thought he had no idea but I kept catching him watching me, when I asked him what was wrong he asked me if I had been drinking. I thought, like you, that I was covering it up really well.

Kid's don't miss much do they?

Like you I have had a lifelong struggle with alcohol and I just cannot take it anymore, I think Saturday was my 'bottom'. I just don't want the stuff near me - well that's how I feel at the moment but I realise I probably haven't even got into the challenges of removing it from my life yet.

Do you think you will be able to get through tomorrow okay? I will be thinking of you as it's only day 3 for me tomorrow.

Be strong and as many people on here have said to me, be kind to yourself.

Star

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MDS1
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by MDS1 » 25 Feb 2008 21:17

Gosh Beth! what a sincere post.

You sound like another, from another forum- but at the end of the day, we are all alike. I can offer little advice for abstinence, because like you, I have had a go at everything. Nearly.

Be as hopeful as you can, and do not be hopeless. :)

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Cheryl
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by Cheryl » 25 Feb 2008 21:18

Hi Beth,Welcome,
Glad you found us,I am pleased that you have also found a support group,all the help you can get is good!
I have also been in detox,and also relapsed after a month in my case,so I know exactly how you must be feeling,but I am now 2 mths dry and after many, many tries at it now feel good about myself..

It sometimes takes many goes at trying to completely abstain before success is achieved...
But I feel that your last straw( your daughter) has been reached,You have done this before so you know whats in store and how much determination is needed,but you can do it! And now you have another reason,its not only affecting you!
The others will advise you on herbal remedies etc as I only know of Kalms,I do know that these have helped with anxiety,but Ill let someone else advise you on that...

So after the homework I would go to bed,as you know you may not sleep too well but at least you are resting and out of temptations way!
Keep posting,try and keep busy if you can...I had to spend 2 days in bed when I went through withdrawal!
Chat again soon...

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Anna
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by Anna » 25 Feb 2008 22:06

Star 1,

So glad things are going ok. :)
I know that kind of jumpy feeling when the alcohol is subsiding. I think you did so well to get out this morning and to do all the other things which you'd planned.
Take care of yourself,
Anna.x

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Anna
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by Anna » 25 Feb 2008 22:42

HI Beth,

Welcome to BE.

Beth, I don't want to sound harsh but it seems as though you haven't realised how alcohol is causing all these things.
Skin crawling?...Get a bottle.
Feel disgusted with yourself? ....Get a bottle.
Then 'felt like sh.t all day, but have decided not to carry on drinking'
What is the 'but' doing there? It just sounds as though you still feel the answer to these things is to have a drink. Your daughter is obviously desperate about the situation but you seem more involved in how it feels for you rather than her.

If it itches, hurts,makes you feel disgusted with yourself, makes you ashamed panicky and isolated...its the alcohol and your nerve cells don't want to let go of it but you can't put out fire with gasoline.

I do wish you all the best and hope you get a better night's sleep. If things get hold of you again, just roar back at them, they're not just destroying you, they're devastating your daughter.
I really hope that doesn't sound too harsh Beth. <:)>
Anna.x
Last edited by Anna on 26 Feb 2008 09:17, edited 1 time in total.

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Tessa
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by Tessa » 26 Feb 2008 08:39

Star 1 congrats are in order i think....well done, you must feel really proud of yourself. Are you also feeling the difference yet, or do you experience withdrawal symptoms at the moment? Keep posting ....

Beth, welcome to BE. I hope this will be a comfort zone for you through this difficult time, and that you will be able to put all the advice people have into practice. its a hard thing to beat but as you will see, there are people making so much progress here now, so it IS possible. Dont give up...stick around.
Tessa xx
Life is full of Kings and Queens, who blind your eyes then steal your dreams..

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ika
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by ika » 26 Feb 2008 09:31

Hi Beth


I am very moved by your post I have two kids and I am on day 9 of non drinking... my daughter is 17 and my son 15... Yes they do know when you are drinking in fact my kids for a long time just did not say anything. I was drinking every day one to two bottles of wine and I had to have at least three bottles in the house otherwise i was in a panic... I did drive few times pissed .. to get some more booze. And you know what only when I tried few weeks ago to stop and did stop for few days ... and started again I had a simmilar situation to yours my daughter and my son were devastated that I started again .. now that made me think a lot ... but I stopped now because I want to live I want to enjoy my life and my kids ..... they will be off to Uni soon... and if I keep drinking they will not be back to see drunken fool that I am when I am drunk ... Think about the future .... You seem to have a very good and loving daughter .. <:)> Ika
Gliding is an impression ...under the water the little legs have to work very hard

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Mike
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by Mike » 26 Feb 2008 10:08

Hi Beth
I'm going to use a series of analogies. Do you live in the UK? At first I am going to sound like Uncle Albert saying "During the war....."

At AA we use the concept of recognising your rock bottom. It's why people come into the rooms. It's why people join this chat room. I have read several new members express that view about themselves here in the last few days.

In 2000 I was convicted of a drink driving offence. I regarded it as a recreational hazard. It was rather like a criminal being banged up for grand larceny. It goes with the territory. Most of my friends had been caught. Now it was my turn. It cost me dearly. A £1000 fine, the same amount in solicitors fees, and I needed to hire a driver to take me around the four locations I worked every week. I should have realised I had reached my rock bottom.

I don't mean to be judgemental but might you be there?

I finally recognised my rock bottom. I have not had a drink for 6 months.
Love, Mike x.

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Anna
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by Anna » 26 Feb 2008 20:33

Star1 ,

Are you there? Just wondering how you've been today...please talk to us.
If you're on another thread just ignore this. But please post if not...would love to hear from you, good or not, just post if you can!
Anna.x

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star1
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by star1 » 27 Feb 2008 09:10

Day four!

Didn't write yesterday as I had a nightmare day with my son plus felt fluey and icky (still do to be honest). I had to go to the school and was absolutely livid at his behaviour. Having said that, of course I totally blame myself so it was pretty miserable.

I didn't drink though, despite the fact that I felt depressed, useless, guilty and I suppose, angry. I continued on and did their homework with them, cooked a meal and went to bed early. Sitting here this morning without a hangover I feel quite relieved that I didn't give in as that was a classic situation where normally I would have used circumstances as an excuse to get drunk.

So its the beginning of day four, I am going swimming with my Mother today (get me!!!) and have no plans to give in today.

I hope evryone else is well x

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Anna
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by Anna » 27 Feb 2008 09:19

Star 1,

So glad you're there. You did really well to get through very trying day without drinking. It is a real test that one!
Have a good swim.

Anna.x

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Cheryl
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by Cheryl » 27 Feb 2008 09:21

Morning Star,
See you CAN do it! 4 days is well on the way to 4 weeks and months and years!
Well done! Glad you posted,we were wondering if you were ok,sorry to hear you had a bad day,but you coped with it!
Did you feel the Earthquake last night? Last time we had one I was in a drunken sleep so it passed me by! But this time.....
Anyway,enjoy your swim,have a good day....Im sure your ill feelings are all part of withdrawal,so try to get through it,it will get better!

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star1
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by star1 » 27 Feb 2008 09:22

Thanks Anna, it really helps to know that there are other people who have been/are going through the same thing and completely understand.

It's making this decision so much easier to stick to.

xxxx

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Tessa
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by Tessa » 27 Feb 2008 09:53

Seems to me there`s another bunny hopping around in the garden :D Star1 thats such good news....you really are a very strong person. Swimming will make you feel even less like drinking. Have a great day!

Anna, you funny bunny! Think I missed that earthquake up in my neck of the woods...
Tessa xx
Life is full of Kings and Queens, who blind your eyes then steal your dreams..

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Jan
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by Jan » 27 Feb 2008 10:52

Hello Star 1,
Well done for getting to day 4. I have reached (in the past) day 5 myself and was so smug :oops: The reason I'm writing is that two or three days after I stopped drinking I came down with feeling fluey and soo tired. It appears you are having the same symptoms. it must be part of the kickback of detox. Ride through it and you'll be jumping around like Anna soon.

(Day 5 seems to be a tough one for us bunnies. A lot of people crack one Day 5. I'm just warning you in advance so that you know what to do. Fight it! It is just that nasty demon on your shoulder trying to crack you. Just be aware that the demon is sharpening his fingernails as we speak. If you know the enemy is coming you'll be better prepared to deal with it).

Star, you are doing brilliantly. Keep it up and well done! xx

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star1
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Re: Journal of a new life

Post by star1 » 27 Feb 2008 18:55

Cheryl & Tessa thanks for your support.

Anna - YES!! I woke up minutes before it started, my bed was shaking like mad then it just stopped. I lay there wondering if I was going mad then switched on Sky one as I figured if it HAD actually happened it would be on there. I watched for ten minutes with nothing then (to my huge relief) it said that breaking news was coming in about tremors. I was like 'phew, it WAS an earthquake'!!!

Jan - I am actually feeling a bit like see if I can give up for four days I must be fine, whats the problem. Very dangerous territory I think. I had a bit of an internal battle going on in the supermarket this evening but have not sucumbed. I must confess, I am not looking forward to tomorrow though. I think it might be a bit of a challenge.

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