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The Joke Page

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Jan
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The Joke Page

Post by Jan » 07 Feb 2008 13:48

MDS1 walks into his local pub, tired after a day chasing pigs to the abattoir.

“I’ll have a triple Captain Morgan please bartender”.

The bartender pours the drink and MDS1 knocks it back in one.

“That was great” he says “but I really shouldn’t be drinking this, not after the results of all those blood tests and with what I’ve got”

The bartender looks worried for he likes MDS1 as we all do. “What have you got Mate?”





“A Quid”

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Jan
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Jan » 07 Feb 2008 13:49

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says 'You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy.'

Paddy replies 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face 'What the feck he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. 'Damn!' he says.

He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.. I'm soused, ' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. He crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No fecking way.' But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, 'I think I can make it to the bed.' He take s a step into the room and falls flat on his face again. He says, 'This is hell. I gotta stop drinking,' but manages to crawl to the bed and fall in.

The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was totally pissfaced. But how'd you know?'

'Mick called.. You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

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MDS1
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by MDS1 » 07 Feb 2008 13:54

LMFAO!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Love that one, heres another...

two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
Consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it
Has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
Form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
Use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
A stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives
New meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good
Old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the
Name of:

MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. ;)
Marcus Duane Stokes with the IQ of One

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Jan
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Jan » 07 Feb 2008 14:07

Jan staggered home very late after another evening with her drinking buddy, Anna.. She took off her shoes to avoid waking her husband, Gary.

She tiptoed as quietly as she could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As she caught herself by grabbing the banister, her body swung around and she landed heavily on her rump. A VodKa bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Jan sprung up, pulled down her pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that her butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. She managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best she could on each place she saw blood.

She then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled her way to bed.

In the morning, Jan woke up with searing pain in both her head and bum and Gary staring at her from across the room.

He said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Jan said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Gary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror

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Tessa
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Tessa » 07 Feb 2008 14:12

oh man....LMFAO as well! both were great :D
Life is full of Kings and Queens, who blind your eyes then steal your dreams..

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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Jan » 07 Feb 2008 15:45

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on an intercity train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying," Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

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Re: The Joke Page

Post by MDS1 » 07 Feb 2008 16:00

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Marcus Duane Stokes with the IQ of One

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Anna
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Anna » 07 Feb 2008 17:44

:? :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: The Joke Page

Post by MDS1 » 07 Feb 2008 20:48

It was entertainment day at the Senior Citizens Centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced:

"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude drew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat pocket. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch".

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers, fell to the floor and broke into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.
Marcus Duane Stokes with the IQ of One

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Jan
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Jan » 07 Feb 2008 20:52

That was funny!! :lol: :lol:

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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Jan » 07 Feb 2008 20:54

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous; simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive today, if the ice cream van hadn't come along.”

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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Anna » 07 Feb 2008 22:25

This is a Northern Irish joke...the accent helps ,

A duck walks into a bar. 'Barman! Barman!', Says the duck 'Have you got any bread?'
'No little duck', says the barman, 'We've got no bread'.
The duck goes quiet for a bit . The bar is beginning to get busy. 'Barman! Barman!' Says the duck,'Have you got any bread?'
'No duck', says the barman,'I already told you, We've got no bread.'
The bar is now very busy.
'Barman', says the duck,'Have you got any bread?'
'No duck,' says the barman,'We've got no bread and if you ask me again I'll nail yer feckin' beak to the bar so I will!'
The duck goes quiet for a bit. the bar is busy.
'Barman!', says the duck, 'Have you got any nails?'
'No I've got no feckin' nails!' says the barman.
'So' says the duck,' Have you got any bread?'

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Tessa
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Tessa » 08 Feb 2008 08:08

*CAR TROUBLE*
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

*SPEEDING TICKET*
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
show it to you!'

*RIVER WALK*
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank.
'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

*AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE* -
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

*KNITTING *
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!
Life is full of Kings and Queens, who blind your eyes then steal your dreams..

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Tessa
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Tessa » 08 Feb 2008 08:09

Christ i just realised......even my jokes are loooong :o
Life is full of Kings and Queens, who blind your eyes then steal your dreams..

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Jan
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Jan » 08 Feb 2008 08:51

The ‘Add a paragraph” thread.


Act II

MDSL is washing up in the kitchen behind the bar of his local pub. He has a bar bill to pay off. Beside him stands Brian the Barman, who as we know likes MDS1 (quite a lot as it happens). Brian is provocatively playing with a tea towel.


“See the thing is Brian, I am between jobs at the moment as you know. That’s why I only had a quid in my pocket. But there is a job advertised on ‘The Forum’ that I’m thinking of applying for.

Anna wants a big strong mule to go cross-country walking with her and her family. It sounds like a dream job for me. Am I not big and strong? Look Brian, feel those pecs. Impressive yes? Look at these abs. Good huh? Run your hands over my gluteus maximus. God, are they not good?

In some physical respects I am more like a donkey than a mule but I’m sure Anna won’t object to that.

See I’m well qualified for the job. And I think Anna will treat me well for she’s a nice lady. I’ll get my oats regular I’m sure.

I know I am the man for the job. I love the countryside and I can maintain my hobby of chasing pigs.

There is just one thing that worries me; the small print at the bottom of Page 3 of the employment contract”

Oh Brian, what is a boy to do?”


......over to you for the next paragraph!

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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Anna » 08 Feb 2008 09:07

MDS1 furrowed his manly brow. 'Terms of the contract are ,'Must be gelded within two weeks of arrival'....but having done the research, Anna knows that she must apply a liberal coating of vaseline to the inner thigh area, daily to prevent chafing.'

'Sounds like you win some, you lose some.' says Brian.

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Re: The Joke Page

Post by MDS1 » 08 Feb 2008 14:48

I Bought a Blue and white shirt... it said "Wash Colours Seperately" eh? .... Got any scissors? :shock:
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Marcus Duane Stokes with the IQ of One

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MDS1
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by MDS1 » 08 Feb 2008 15:24

Hiya Jaycee,

Yup, we are off for a few days "daarn sarff" probably back monday or tuesday. I absolutely love Real Ale, and was once a member of CAMRA. This is a passion me and my Brother share, however these days I rarely get to a good old English pub, but when I do- I savour the Oak beams, log fire and stuffed pike in cabinets on the wall.

I rarely if ever get out of control in a pub, i tell too many jokes... so me and the captain are having somewhat of a "trial Seperation" this weekend. ;)
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested
:o

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Tessa
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Tessa » 08 Feb 2008 17:11

sniff sniff.....going to miss MDS1....... :cry:
But i know you will have a great time, change is good. Enjoy!
Tessa
Life is full of Kings and Queens, who blind your eyes then steal your dreams..

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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Tessa » 08 Feb 2008 19:45

As Ben Franklin said, "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit .
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service
Life is full of Kings and Queens, who blind your eyes then steal your dreams..

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