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The Joke Page

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Newt
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Newt » 24 Nov 2019 14:09

Have YOU walked 500 miles?

Have you been pressured to walk 500 more?


You could be eligible for compensation.


Call the Pro Claimers today! ;)?


0800 500
Chin up and brew up

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Ruby&Tilly
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Ruby&Tilly » 24 Nov 2019 20:57

:D ;) :lol2:
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
352/12 days - sober/drinking (14 April 2018 - 13 April 2019)

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Newt
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Newt » 25 Nov 2019 09:43

OH just sent me a text "windows frozen, won't open" I texted back and said try pouring warm water over it and give each corner a gentle tap with a hammer, she texted back to tell me the laptop's completely buggered now :shock:
Chin up and brew up

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Ruby&Tilly
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Ruby&Tilly » 25 Nov 2019 10:19

The old ones are the best. :D
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
352/12 days - sober/drinking (14 April 2018 - 13 April 2019)

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Newt
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Newt » 25 Nov 2019 10:28

I'm not that old but thanks for the compliment ;)?
Chin up and brew up

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Newt
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Newt » 25 Nov 2019 14:03

OH has been complaining for months now that you can't swing a cat in our kitchen, so I bought her a gerbil ;)?
Chin up and brew up

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free flow
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by free flow » 26 Nov 2019 15:56

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
He orders a drink from the bartender, when the bartender asks, "What's the name of the newt?"

The man replies, "Tiny."

Curious, the bartender asks, "Why is that?"

The man responds, "He's my newt." ()o
The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you really are. - Carl Jung

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Newt
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Newt » 27 Nov 2019 18:29

Just been to B&Q for a fake Christmas tree, the bloke behind the counter said are you planning on putting it up yourself,

I say no you filthy git, I'm planning on putting it up in the living room.
Chin up and brew up

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pickles
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by pickles » 28 Nov 2019 06:10

036121EC-7812-48C8-80EF-2267448A4793.jpeg
036121EC-7812-48C8-80EF-2267448A4793.jpeg (37.14 KiB) Viewed 522 times
' Normal ' is just a setting on the washing machine .

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Wilson
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Wilson » 28 Nov 2019 06:54

(::)

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Newt
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Newt » 28 Nov 2019 11:31

Mine ended up on its side when I put a Fray Bentos pie in it :roll:
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Ruby&Tilly
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Ruby&Tilly » 29 Nov 2019 01:18

Naughty little newt wrote:
28 Nov 2019 11:31
Mine ended up on its side when I put a Fray Bentos pie in it :roll:
Least it wasn't a poodle, you could sue for that. :D
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
352/12 days - sober/drinking (14 April 2018 - 13 April 2019)

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Newt
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Newt » 30 Nov 2019 16:21

Black Friday! I do wish people would show a bit of common decency while shopping and turn their phones horizontal before filming people punching each other to get at the bargains, what has the world come to. :roll:
Chin up and brew up

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Newt
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Newt » 03 Dec 2019 18:45

People often criticise shops for selling Christmas stuff too early.

Well, our supermarket sells birthday cakes and mine isn't for another 6 months!
Chin up and brew up

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DannyD
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by DannyD » 05 Dec 2019 09:01

Andrew Marr to Boris: what's been your favourite lie of this election?
Boris: I don't tell lies
AM: yes, that's my favourite too.
be selfish in your sobriety.

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Topcat
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Topcat » 05 Dec 2019 09:15

(::) :lol:
#5 on the 2020 Challenge
Today is our most precious possession.

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free flow
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by free flow » 05 Dec 2019 17:39

DannyD wrote:
05 Dec 2019 09:01
Andrew Marr to Boris: what's been your favourite lie of this election?
Boris: I don't tell lies
AM: yes, that's my favourite too.
(::) (::) (::)
The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you really are. - Carl Jung

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Ruby&Tilly
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Ruby&Tilly » 07 Dec 2019 00:01

:D :twisted:
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
352/12 days - sober/drinking (14 April 2018 - 13 April 2019)

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Newt
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Newt » 07 Dec 2019 08:22

:lol:



A duck was about to cross the road, when a chicken came running and shouted, "No don't do it! You'll never hear the bloody end of it!"
Chin up and brew up

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Newt
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Re: The Joke Page

Post by Newt » 08 Dec 2019 10:29

I'll probably get shot for this but what the hell :lol:


Two blokes stood outside the pub and a woman walks past, one bloke says to the other "I'd give her one", the woman heard and said "I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last man on earth", the bloke said "I wasn't talking about sex, I was just marking you out of ten".
Chin up and brew up

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