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The Road to Abstinence.

New Members thread, SOS thread, Daily chat and Support, Cutting Down, Abstinence and more.
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SoberBoots
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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by SoberBoots » 31 Oct 2019 07:50

SoberSelf wrote:
30 Oct 2019 23:28
Hi,

I've made a commitment to stop drinking completely and I'm feeling very happy and positive about that.

I've been thinking about posting for a long time. The trouble is, I can't stand the thought of intimate information being available online for anyone to look at. I want to have some kind of connection with other people who have stopped drinking (or are stopping) and I know this website offers that to many people. But making publicly accessible posts is just not something I feel comfortable with.

So how do you meet sober people (online or in real life) in a way that feels a bit less exposed?

Thanks.
Welcome SS.

This forum is a great place to connect with others facing the same challenges. Remember that you control what you post - you can't be identified unless you give information that makes that possible. If you'd rather have a one-on-one relationship, then you can sign up for online or realife counselling services, or join something like this https://www.tiredofthinkingaboutdrinkin ... robertson/. Personally I prefer the anonymity of the internet, but if it would be more comfortable for you to meet people in real life then there are groups such as AA and SMART recovery, also some areas organise sober social events where you can meet people.
The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago. The second best time is today.
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Cowboy
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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by Cowboy » 31 Oct 2019 14:52

SoberSelf wrote:
30 Oct 2019 23:28
I've been thinking about posting for a long time. The trouble is, I can't stand the thought of intimate information being available online for anyone to look at. I want to have some kind of connection with other people who have stopped drinking (or are stopping) and I know this website offers that to many people. But making publicly accessible posts is just not something I feel comfortable with.
Welcome to BE SoberSelf. I really can't add much more than the excellent advice and comment that has already been provided. In my honest opinion in these here parts the good significantly outweighs the bad when it comes to getting sober. I wish you well on your sober journey wherever it leads. Cowboy.
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. Mark Twain.

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SueDenim
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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by SueDenim » 31 Oct 2019 23:12

Soberself, the others are right about this being a very supportive forum, where you can meet virtual people and discuss anything that is holding you back from getting sober. It was a godsend to me in the early days, and I still look in most nights, even though I don't post much these days.

I completely understand your point about anonymity, however, as it is something that bothers me, too, and is the main reason I post less. I know we have usernames on here, but it is still possible to let your guard down and let something slip, so anyone who sets out to look for you can work it out pretty quickly by reading through your posts, particularly if you have mentioned a hobby, or something else that identifies you.

A couple of people on here have changed their usernames because they felt that someone had 'found them out', however, and that is something that you could do if you felt compromised. I was recently told by admin that they would delete anything that I asked to be deleted (in my case I hate it when my posts are quoted) but that seems like a big ask, really. Again, it is an option, though, if you felt that you had inadvertently given away too much info about who you really are.

As for meeting sober people 'in real life', they are everywhere :D. When I was drinking, I mainly (ok, pretty much always) went to places where other people were drinking, so that I wouldn't stand out Now that I have stopped, I still go to licenced premises, but I also go to places and events where people aren't drinking, and it no longer feels strange. Most people don't make access to booze a priority, so it won't be too difficult to make friends outside of the drinking world. Without knowing you it's not easy to suggest what you might do; but being sober is a great chance to expand your interests. You will have a lot more time than before to do the things you enjoy, and to find out about new things to do (and people to meet).

Good luck with it, and don't feel that there has to be a regime - just do what feels right for you, and makes your life as pleasant and easy as possible, at least until you get a handle on the changes.

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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by SoberSelf » 01 Nov 2019 00:22

Thank you for the warm welcome, and the advice (Tai, JJJJ, Cowboy, SoberBoots, SueDenim),

OK, I'll give it a go.

I've never been in denial about having a problem. Over the years I've even confided in a couple of friends, but they were so in denial about their own drink issues that they had to deny mine!

In the last couple of years I've felt some effects on my health and there have been effects on my career progress.

Recently I decided to stop and read some quit lit by a few authors in the Allen Carr tradition. I stopped drinking a couple of weeks ago and have found it easy really. I've never had physical withdrawal symptoms, but periods of abstinence in the past always required a fair bit of willpower. Right now I see alcohol as a poison which just makes me feel unhappy and unhealthy and so I don't have a desire to drink. Since stopping my mood has been through the roof. I've been so much happier and I feel better physically too.

With everything fresh in my mind I feel pretty firm in my resolve never to drink again. I also believe - partly through testimony of other ex-drinkers, and partly through my experience of stopping smoking years ago - that after a long period of sobriety drinking will come to seem completely alien.

However, I think there's a danger that when the memories fade I could get caught up in addictive thinking again so I want to develop strategies for avoiding that.

I'd be interested in discussing aspects of the Allen Carr method (and related authors). (That's not to say I look down on other methods.)

Alright. That'll do for now. Thanks for reading.
Last edited by SoberSelf on 07 Nov 2019 09:18, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by Ruby&Tilly » 01 Nov 2019 00:41

Hi soberself and welcome to BE. :\: glad to hear you're finding sobriety easy, this forum has certainly helped me and most people here, tremendously. ;)?

There's a thread called quit lit on the physical/mental health thread. It used to be called Allen Carr so most of the discussion is on his books. Good luck with your journey.

Ruby xx
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
352/12 days - sober/drinking (14 April 2018 - 13 April 2019)

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SoberBoots
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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by SoberBoots » 01 Nov 2019 08:36

Hey Soberself, sounds like you're doing awesomely well! Great idea to get the support here though. My problem like yours was not so much getting sober as staying sober - after a period of a few days or a few weeks permission thoughts would come creeping in "you've done so well, you deserve a drink", "you've proved you can control it, you can just have one/only drink socially/only drink at weekends" etc etc. I didn't know how to defend myself against those, and as I've very little willpower I caved quickly. I needed to change my underlying attitude, and AC was invaluable in that.
Although I fully intended to quit for good, I still worked my way through all the challenges on here. It gave me a sense of achievement and it was great to get support from other people. Whichever author you liked, keep a book to hand and dip right back in for a top up from time to time. An important learning point for me was that taking a drink is the end stage of a relapse process, not the beginning. Putting slef care into practice, and learning coping strategies (including, crucially, distress tolerance) were vital if I wanted to be long-term sober.
The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago. The second best time is today.
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lucy63
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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by lucy63 » 01 Nov 2019 15:03

This forum has been great for me. I admit I am still working through the process but writing here and re reading things i have posted and replies has given me a new perspective. I just finished Allen carr’s book which i found out about through this forum. It really resonated with me and so am going to re read it and see how it feels. this forum gives me alot of hope and support in knowing i am not alone in this. mentally even though i have had alot of stumbles since joining, I feel like I am moving closer to sanity. Anyone know if there is a forum for discussion on the allen carr method?

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SoberBoots
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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by SoberBoots » 01 Nov 2019 17:54

Hi Lucy, great to hear that you're doing so well! I had to go through the Allen Carr books twice before I properly got it embedded, and I needed some other strategies as well, but discovering his work was certainly a turning point for me. I'd tried AA but just found it depressing, seeing sobriety as freedom was a new concept! There is a thread called Quit Lit which is largely devoted to Allen Carr, you can find it here viewtopic.php?f=4&t=224&start=180
The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago. The second best time is today.
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Shadowlad
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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by Shadowlad » 01 Nov 2019 20:21

Hi roadies <:)>

Just wanted to add a warm welcome to SoberSelf and lucy63 :\:

Some great help and advice given already so not much i can add that would be helpful xx
Jjjj of Old wrote:
31 Oct 2019 07:37
Off on holiday later today, so all I can do for now is wish all Roadies a good, happy and productive week
Have a lovely holiday Mark you deserve it ! ;)?
Action wrote:
30 Oct 2019 09:34
Quick question for everyone. It might just be early days but in the evening I really lack any sort of motivation and energy to do anything with my time. I find it really frustrating sober because I’m almost watching the clock until I go to bed. I can’t go to bed too early as I don’t sleep but I would dearly like to be able to combat this inertia. I hate the thought of just wasting my time. Does anyone have any suggestions? I love to write, draw and make things but I just don't have the energy or ability to concentrate. Will this eventually disappear?
Hi Action, i saw this the other day but didn't have time to reply. I see Trojan has given a really helpful reply and i have been thinking of your post also. I really relate to the clock watching before going to bed in early abstinence. Night time always was, and still can be a fidgety time for me, especially long dark winter nights. So flipping boring ! Thinking about you though, you say you are frequently tired too at the end of the day and cannot concentrate. Again i relate. Its hard to know how to relax, or occupy ourselves in the evening, and without drinking the night away to kill time or wind down. It can be done though, and you will manage this, an evening at a time ;)?

Given the tiredness and inability to concentrate would it help to find some simple relaxing tasks to fill the evening ? For instance i love to write and draw too but i could not do that in early sobriety. One evening i was climbing the walls for a drink, the family was driving me mad so i shut myself in the bedroom and sat at my desk literally pulling at my hair. Then it struck me to find a colouring book, some pens and some classical music. I set to task, just wanting to escape from everyone and everything and was pleasantly surprised. " hours later i was still colouring and forgot about cravings, just lost in a colourful world of Debussy in the privacy of my room :) Lovely ! In time i found other things to fill the evenings, and now my concentration and energy has returned to normal most of the time. Evenings now are filled with swimming, mindless tv in bed, walks with the dog plus torch, surfing the internet, chatting to friends on messenger, wordsearch and other puzzles, baking or batch cooking to smooth radio or magic radio. I dare not put my favourite Queen cds on or would be up all night lol !

Your activity list might look different to mine, but its important to find something you enjoy, something that gives you pleasure. I think i added maltesers to Debussy and colouring, yum ! :) and nice quality soft drinks to keep hydrated. Anyway, best of luck with all this, i hope you can follow up your writing idea perhaps, without putting any pressure on yourself. ;)? <:)>

Hi to everyone else, hope all are having a peaceful evening xx

Love nicky xx
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by SoberSelf » 02 Nov 2019 08:43

Thanks to those mentioning the Quit Lit thread. I will have a look. Maybe see you there Lucy.

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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by Ace McCloud » 03 Nov 2019 12:46

Just logged back in for the first time in a long time,
Decided enough was enough and time to kick the habit..
On day 6 today, and the cravings are very strong ..
Have family over later for a roast..
Hoping to ride the wave, this is new territory for me, longest period of abstinence for about 20 years :roll:
Any advice or messages welcome .

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Shadowlad
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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by Shadowlad » 03 Nov 2019 13:31

Hello mr.thomas,

That's good that you have got to 6 days and have logged into BE to help you keep going :)

I understand your strong cravings, being a Sunday and having family round for dinner later. Its almost like we need that drink to relax with a house full of people, and because its the weekend. Just to cast my mind back to that situation, i remember it used to help to go out for a little walk around the park, or around the block. The fresh air and exercise made me feel instantly better, so long as i did not think about detouring to the shop ! If i did call in the shop i would just buy some fizzy pop and a bit of chocolate. A great way to feed the craving because our bodies are crying out for sugar in the early sobriety (and vitamins of course). If you feel it could be a bit risky going for a walk would it help to have a lie down listening to music until your family arrive ? This might preserve some mental energy for the socialising. It usually helps to break down the day into half hour at a time, just keep telling yourself i can get through the next half hour, and then the next. Before you know it you will have had your roast dinner and the craving will have passed. Food often helps.

I hope this helps, and well done on your progress so far, and also for reaching out for support <:)>

Best wishes, nicky xx
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by Ace McCloud » 03 Nov 2019 14:40

Thanks for the reply nicky.
Yes the craving was incredibly strong this afternoon,
Seems to have passed a small bit, kept my self busy changing wife's headlight bulb, and prepping dinner,
Going for a walk to lidl now, see what bargains they have with my savings ha.
I am determined to keep going, and beat this, knowing I may relapse at some point, so not to much pressure.
Had a little snap at my wife, who firmly put me back in my place :mrgreen: .

She helps a lot.

I'll come back tomorrow, and hopefully report on a better day.

Thanks again.

Scott

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Tai
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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by Tai » 03 Nov 2019 15:55

Hi Scott, cravings pass. It’s not always easy to ride it out when you feel like climbing the walls, but knowing that cravings no matter how bad they are do eventually pass can give you the strength you need when you need it. And you know what? There’s nothing inevitable about relapse ... it’s good not to put too much pressure on yourself by worrying about relapse that’s for sure. But there’s nothing inevitable about it either.

Staying sober is easier if you can break through the thinking that keeps you stuck in addiction. It does take some time to get clear of the effects of drinking though so it’s worth remembering that and being patient with yourself. Every sober day is proof that we have what it takes to stay sober for as long as we want to. Stay strong.
A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than much knowledge that is idle.
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Shadowlad
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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by Shadowlad » 03 Nov 2019 20:05

Tai wrote:
03 Nov 2019 15:55
Every sober day is proof that we have what it takes to stay sober for as long as we want to. Stay strong.
This is so true and i remember the day the true meaning of these words dawned on me. The truth is so simple we miss it. Not plain sailing but simple and doable. One day i realised that i could do this, because i was staying sober a day at a time. All i had to do was keep going, and have faith that the days would add up until staying sober became easier and quite the norm. That day does come if we want to keep going, it really does, and sobriety becomes something we just do not want to give up. It is a freedom worth staying on the road for.

Hope you found some good bargains in lidl Scott and and good to see your wife keeps you in check ! ;)?
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by lucy63 » 03 Nov 2019 22:45

Open invitation to anyone trying to Allen Carr Easy Way method to join me over on quit lit. the link is provided by sober boots a few comments up. i am trying the method and would love to connect with others who are trying it. doesn’t seem to be many people posting over there. ive got Qs and would love to hear from anyone who is having success with that method. many thanks!!

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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by Ace McCloud » 04 Nov 2019 09:23

Morning all .
Thanks Tai and Shadowlad, great words of wisdom and advice from both of you, which I have taken on board.
After the initial afternoon crave the day was relatively easy for me yesterday.
So I enter day 7 still feeling a bit groggy, skin still a tad blotchy, face not too bad, but arms seem to be taking the brunt of the drying out process :shock:
Still feel positive and looking forward to staying sober for as long as I want, I used to believe I could be a social drinker, and maybe in time I will have a couple of drinks on occasions, but for now I'm enjoying the lifestyle change, Md the better frame of mind I have.


But I will come back as often as I can, to report on my own journey, and also try and encourage and give advice to other users of this great forum.

Have a great day all 8-)
Last edited by Ace McCloud on 04 Nov 2019 13:00, edited 1 time in total.

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Shadowlad
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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by Shadowlad » 04 Nov 2019 11:10

Well done on 7 days Scott ;)?

I hate to say it but it's rare for any of us to become social drinkers once we have crossed the line into problem drinking. Just something to ponder, but not wanting to worry you or dampen your enthusiasm :)

Perhaps just continue enjoying your lifestyle change and keep taking day by day ? keep coming back to air your thoughts, its good for us to do that, we are certainly not alone here. You are doing very well and your skin will improve as time goes by. Eat good food, more of those roast dinners ! Lots of hydration too, water is good if you can drink that.

Have a great day yourself ;)?
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by Ace McCloud » 04 Nov 2019 12:43

Shadowlad wrote:
04 Nov 2019 11:10
Well done on 7 days Scott ;)?

I hate to say it but it's rare for any of us to become social drinkers once we have crossed the line into problem drinking. Just something to ponder, but not wanting to worry you or dampen your enthusiasm :)

Perhaps just continue enjoying your lifestyle change and keep taking day by day ? keep coming back to air your thoughts, its good for us to do that, we are certainly not alone here. You are doing very well and your skin will improve as time goes by. Eat good food, more of those roast dinners ! Lots of hydration too, water is good if you can drink that.

Have a great day yourself ;)?
I agree with the social drinker sentiments, I do feel much better, 7 days was a mere thought 7 days ago lol.
I used to have 2 or 3 days here and there but then would need a good 7/8 beers.
The feeling of not waking up hung over is brilliant!

The roast did go down well, dragging the missus out for the day now, making the most of time off work, be good to go back with a clear head, and hopefully little anxiety.
I do drink blackcurrant a lot, but seems to go straight through me at the moment, quite annoying.
Might get my self a water filtration gadget today and give up the blackcurrant :shock:

I'll be back tomorrow, starting day 8, not that I'm counting much :lol2:

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Shadowlad
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Re: The Road to Abstinence.

Post by Shadowlad » 06 Nov 2019 12:00

Hi roadies <:)>

How are you doing today Ace McCloud/Scott ? You got me in the mood for a roast dinner, cooking one today lol ;)?
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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