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General Support and Chat

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lucy63
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by lucy63 » 30 Oct 2019 23:21

thanks for the rational link Soberboots. i also ordered one of Allen Carr’s books. I am just hanging low trying to get real with myself on whether i really truly do want to be done with all this. liked the rational “The beast” idea-hadn’t thought of it that way. Anyway I had a mellow day and somehow with no hangover was able to get tons of stuff done around the house with no stress. Mostly I feel like I need to get real and get honest with myself and how I want to live my life. Ultimately it’s my decision and mine alone.

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Lush4life
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Lush4life » 01 Nov 2019 07:46

Morning, I don't know where to put this so here I am.
Am wondering if anyone can point me in a direction of something helpful to read regarding mental health, I guess coping strategy regarding emotions and feelings regarding my recent break up of my very long marriage?
Am feeling so many things all at once, then nothing at at ?
I feel drained, exhausted , trying to remain well and not let this derail me.
So many questions I have , and I know full well I need to help myself and no one can truly help I need to go through this but I tell you this so very hard after 43 years, am lost , have had to move away from family home cos to stay there is not at all wise, so have been staying with my daughter and now with my son, because we need to sell our home before either of us can buy our own place.
Am just asking, so many things out there but one I've looked at just give me stages of , and not any tips on how to get through.
Ha!
Perhaps there is no other way, just maybe I gotta "suck it up buttercup".
Morning BTW, hope all here are well today, I'm fine a lot of the time I think.
It's just, oh I dunno, it's just the all and everything.
Sorry probably very odd post.
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

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SoberBoots
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by SoberBoots » 01 Nov 2019 08:21

Lush4life wrote:
01 Nov 2019 07:46
Morning, I don't know where to put this so here I am.
Am wondering if anyone can point me in a direction of something helpful to read regarding mental health, I guess coping strategy regarding emotions and feelings regarding my recent break up of my very long marriage?
Am feeling so many things all at once, then nothing at at ?
I feel drained, exhausted , trying to remain well and not let this derail me.
So many questions I have , and I know full well I need to help myself and no one can truly help I need to go through this but I tell you this so very hard after 43 years, am lost , have had to move away from family home cos to stay there is not at all wise, so have been staying with my daughter and now with my son, because we need to sell our home before either of us can buy our own place.
Am just asking, so many things out there but one I've looked at just give me stages of , and not any tips on how to get through.
Ha!
Perhaps there is no other way, just maybe I gotta "suck it up buttercup".
Morning BTW, hope all here are well today, I'm fine a lot of the time I think.
It's just, oh I dunno, it's just the all and everything.
Sorry probably very odd post.
<:)> It's probably no help at all, but everything you're experiencing is completely normal. You're going through something very traumatic, and you're right that it's a process which involves pain and has to be worked through. In terms of how the emotional regulation system works, https://www.habitsforwellbeing.com/the- ... on-system/ you'll be pretty much in the red zone all the time, and that leads to eventually to exhaustion and numbness, because that mode is designed to aid our short-term survival not to last over the medium term. To ease the suffering, things that take you into the green zone will help - I expect you know what they are for you. It can be difficult to engage in them when we're in high alert mode, but it is really rea;;y important that you don't neglect self care and relaxation - actively schedule it in. I said the other day that it's very much like a bereavement, and you can cope with it in the same way (these moodjuice guides are good) https://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/bereavement.asp. Getting some one to one counselling (you can go to Relate to help work through the end of e relationship) would probably be a good idea.
The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago. The second best time is today.

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Topcat
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Topcat » 01 Nov 2019 12:16

Lush4life wrote:
01 Nov 2019 07:46
Sorry probably very odd post.
Not at all odd Kim <:)> What you are going through is perfectly normal in the circumstances. A break up is like a bereavement and we grieve in the same way. Sometimes I think it is harder than bereavement as the other party is still around and we have things to sort out and do together that just seems to make it all that much worse.

Some very good advice from SB and I can't really add to that. Self care I would emphasize is vital though so please ensure that you take care of you.

It probably feels like this nightmare will never end at the moment, but I can assure you that it will <:)>
#5 on the 2020 Challenge
When life kicks sand in your face, build a castle.

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Trojan
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Trojan » 01 Nov 2019 13:29

Kim, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this tough time <:)>

It might help to get some advice on the practicalities of separation and dividing property etc. There may be local information through women’s aid, or citizens information? Women’s aid or similar may also offer some general support or counselling, and I think any real-life connection would be really beneficial.

I know the practical side is not what matters most, but getting some kind of road map for those aspects would free up some headspace to deal with the emotional side and keep yourself well.

Take care <:)>
Au milieu de l'hiver, j'apprenais enfin qu'il y avait en moi un été invincible.
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Shadowlad
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Shadowlad » 01 Nov 2019 18:57

Hi Kim <:)>

Just wanted to send you love and understanding and to say that you can get through this big life change without it derailing you, with support from your family and friends. Its a roller coaster of emotions, i know, with an deep sadness and grieving being the the overriding emotions at any stage of the separation. I get what you are saying about feeling nothing at all on occasion too. This has all happened to me also since my husband and i physically separated 2 years ago. We were together around 30 years and married for 25. Met him at 15. I think the array of different emotions and sadness is because i did/do love him, but there was just no way of working things out anymore. We had gone round in circles for such a long time, always ending up hitting the same brick wall. When our kids start saying we would be much happier on our own then its a big sign that they have been caught up in the unhappy cycle too, from the sidelines. They only want their parents' smiles to be real again, for each of parent to be happy in their own right.

When we become abstinent we can't help but grow into the people we were destined to be and become aware of our potential and needs. It is little wonder a lot of marriages change in dynamics when one or both become sober. Some survive this change and others don't, for varied reasons. I can honestly say i am relieved being single, and feel much more authentic, happy and relaxed. And free ! :)

Kim regarding mental health, it is healthier to have an outlet for your feelings and to speak with your family and friends whenever you should need. Its ok to cry and grieve when the need arises, and it ok to laugh hysterically when you are having a good day too ! Its going to take time, with gripping anxiety one minute, and supreme optimism and confidence the next. Such a big life change is taking place. One emotion i did struggle with was guilt, but not so much now. We only have one life that we know of, so each of us deserves to live that life in a healthy and peaceful way. Guilt is pointless when there is no option but to go your separate ways.

Like our friends above, i really wish all good things for you Kim. You are being very brave and things will work out well in the end. Hang in there, we are all here for you <:)> xxxxx
Last edited by Shadowlad on 01 Nov 2019 21:19, edited 1 time in total.
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro


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Lush4life
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Lush4life » 02 Nov 2019 11:05

Many thanks for all your replies, am OK ATM, but up and down.
Very lucky I am to have such brilliant kids (adults) and some special friends in rl. Harder, I think cos I still and I think always will love him .
Everything, just feels surreal, strange.
Am quick to laugh and easy to cry;
Tbh its crap.
Thanks once again. :)
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

smh1
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by smh1 » 02 Nov 2019 11:06

Dear Kim, can't add to any of the excellent advice you have had, but sending love and hugs. <:)> Sue
Keep on keeping on. It might be your last chance. :)

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Pork
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Pork » 03 Nov 2019 14:13

Just seen someone I haven’t spoken to in ten years.
I was talking to her as if she knew who I was.
She had no clue!!
So I introduced myself haha.
She said you look different!
Luckily I didn’t say you just look greyer :roll:
Was weird. Slept in the same caravan as this person a fair few times yet they were looking at me as if to say who are you.
To be fair I did knock on her door & handed her a mobile phone 🤣

Sleepyb
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Sleepyb » 03 Nov 2019 18:08

Why were you giving her a mobile phone and why did you share a caravan with her years back? You’re so random sometimes Pork but I like it 😂😂😂

Blifter
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Blifter » 06 Nov 2019 21:46

Lushie <:)>
It was one of those jolly, peaceful mornings that make a fellow wish he'd got a soul or something... - PG Wodehouse

Kebo
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Kebo » 06 Nov 2019 22:12

Only Day 4 but a battle today. Currently sat here all clammy and depressed,was feeling strong up to this point.I guess reading posts on here have kept me from cracking some cans open.
No doubt I will struggle to sleep tonight😳, I know it will get worse before it gets better, but determined this time🤜.

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SoberBoots
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by SoberBoots » 06 Nov 2019 22:48

Kebo wrote:
06 Nov 2019 22:12
Only Day 4 but a battle today. Currently sat here all clammy and depressed,was feeling strong up to this point.I guess reading posts on here have kept me from cracking some cans open.
No doubt I will struggle to sleep tonight😳, I know it will get worse before it gets better, but determined this time🤜.
Yes stick with it! <:)> I found it helped me think of the symptoms as signs of the poison gradually leaving my system. It took time for my sleep to settle down, I found the best thing was to concentrate on relaxing rather than trying to make myself fall asleep, and also at least I knew that what sleep I did get was the real thing not just passed out drunk.
The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago. The second best time is today.

Kebo
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Kebo » 07 Nov 2019 09:47

Thanks for the support soberboots, it helps massively getting advice from people who have been through this journey and all the battles it entails.
I ended up listening to an Audible book called ‘ the unexpected joys of being sober’ by Catherine Gray, which was a massive help to helping me relax and eventually fall sleep last night👌.
Day 5 today and still a little foggy but getting close to my first goal of a week sober then uncharted territory after that🙅‍♂️...this coming weekend will be the big challenge.
Must admit my caffeine intake has gone up massively these past few days....could be another factor as to why I am struggling to sleep🧐🧐😀, anyway onwards and upwards...bring on day 5🤜

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SoberBoots
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by SoberBoots » 07 Nov 2019 18:42

this coming weekend will be the big challenge.
Plan, plan, and then plan some more. Being sober is really liberating, enjoy it! Plan things that you couldn't or wouldn't do if drinking, or things that you wouldn't enjoy as much (I loved watching films when I first got sober, I could actually follow them and even remember them afterwards!). You'll be saving lots of money, spend some of it on treats for yourself. And if there are danger zones, make plans for them too. Social events might be best avoided if you're not confident, or go but plan to leave early (being around drunk people is deeply boring and depressing), and make sure you keep busy at them, helping out and really getting talking to people.
The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago. The second best time is today.

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Lush4life
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Lush4life » 11 Nov 2019 07:54

Morning, just keeping you up to speed re my marriage issues, deep breath .
We are trying again, he has given up drinking, his temper made much worse by this, but has further temper issues even when sober, promises to get further help if that doesn't help with his very unreasonable mood swings.
It has been suggested by his own kids maybe he bi polar, I wouldn't be surprised but he will never truly take stock, look at his behavior at all, in the past these things always been my fault, however now I'm sober I know most of the time this just isn't true, not true at all.
And the change in me being sober he's told me he doesn't like, especially.
Anyway I have spent past two weeks away from my home; the home I love, my stuff, and my girl around me, I've missed it been a sad, sad time.
I am not going home though for two weeks, maybe a month and moving about an hour away to stay with my lovely brother (a widower)
In Sandwich a beautiful historic place to be.
My kids agree I need to do this, give us some head space, also give him some time to prove his sober intentions to me.
I don't want to go, everything in me wants to just turn around and go home, everything.
But I won't, cos my head bit all over the show I will take advice from my kids that love me.
If this absolutely final try doesn't work I will then stay in house(provided he's not drinking , don't feel safe around him when he doing that)
and then we will sell, go out separate ways.
BTW we gonna sell anyway, we plan a fresh start.
This has been such a massive roller coaster of emotions I've said before, I wanted to drink, smoke but good news is thanks to so much support I've had, I haven't done any of those harmful things.
Anyway that's me today, off to my brothers, my heart still heavy, my mind maybe clearing a little .
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

Spats
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Spats » 11 Nov 2019 08:05

Oh lushly my heart goes out to you <:)> BTW perhaps you should change your name from Lush4life to AF4life ;)? for a more positive spin. You are really going through the wringer recently and to stay sober and smoke free is an inspiration to us all. I’m sure I would have caved by now. We’re always here for you whenever you need to talk <:)> <:)> <:)>

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Tai
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Tai » 11 Nov 2019 08:56

Time away sounds like a good idea Kim <:)> such a tough time for you with weighty decisions that you thought you’d made and now all is less certain again, although sounding more promising if your OH makes some changes. No wonder you feel wrung out with your head all over the place. It’s important not to rush big decisions and to give yourself time and space to think things through. its import too to allow enough time to pass that you feel confident that changes OH is planning to make are backed by ongoing action. I’m glad your brother is able to provide that safe space for you. I hope things go as you hope and that the fresh start plan works out.
A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than much knowledge that is idle.
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Topcat
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Topcat » 11 Nov 2019 09:13

Time away sounds the best thing Kim, although it must be very tough for you. Hope things work out for you lovely <:)>
#5 on the 2020 Challenge
When life kicks sand in your face, build a castle.

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