General Support and Chat

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swordgirl.
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by swordgirl. »

I found this on another sobriety website, it’s long but definitely worth a read. The writer, Lynne Namka really seems to have hit the nail on the head. Despite owning far too many books on sobriety I am considering buying her's as well as this excerpt is THAT good!

Avoiding Relapse: Catching Your Inner Con
by Lynne Namka, Ed.D.
Psychologist and Author

Deep within the recesses of your mind lies the Con! Your Inner Con is that scheming, conniving part of your mind that tempts you to participate in unhealthy behavior! Your Inner Con specializes in seduction. This inflated fragment of the ego is a subpart of your total personality. It attempts to manipulate you by focusing on fear and anxiety. It is exacting, greedy and never satisfied, always wanting more, more, more of whatever got you in trouble in the first place.

YOUR INNER CON is absorbed in totally protecting and preserving itself. It feeds your fixation and agonizes about not being complete without that activity or addiction that harms you. It seduces, swindles and victimizes you to go against yourself and your better nature. It divides your psyche and creates mistrust in yourself. Its purpose is to keep hounding you until you weaken and give in.

YOUR INNER CON is a master of lies to persuade you to do unhealthy things. It is a fear-based part of you, but it is not who you are. That treacherous Con is an ego part, which acts out of negativity and fear. Here are some of the parts of you who make up this Con.

YOUR INNER PUSHER Who Pushes You to Exhaustion, Then Pushes You to Use

The Pusher is your workaholic part that compensates fatigue by using. The Pusher part rationalizes, "I've worked hard so I can. It's Friday night and this has been a long, hard week. I deserve to. I'm not having fun anymore living sober, so I'll ..."

YOUR INNER VICTIM Who Feels Sorry for Your Self Because You Can't Use

Your Inner Victim is a sniveler who argues that nothing ever works for it. It whines. It snivels. It says things like, "Sobriety is miserable. I never get to party anymore. It's not fair. Why can't I drink like everyone else? If I can't use, I don't want to do anything. I can't cope. I've just got to use to deal with my rotten life. Poor me, I can never get high again."

YOUR INNER NARCISSIST Who Feels Entitled to Using

The constant theme of being overly self-involved is "I owe me a good time." This part boasts, "I deserve to use to feel good. I'm entitled to go out and have a few laughs. I can handle it. I ought to be able to go out and party." Your Inner Narcissist searches for whatever reason it can find to fill up that empty place inside with addictions.

YOUR REBEL Who Feels Good About Being Bad

The Rebel thinks of the appeal of taking risks and living life on the edge. Fueled by excitement of the chase, your Rebel throws common sense and caution to the winds. The headiness of rebellion rushes you down that fast lane to excess. It says, "I'm born to be wild. What they say is stupid. Using is fun. Partying is where I'm at. I will never walk the straight and narrow path even if it kills me." It when you were a child who hated being controlled by authority. Now it has become your controller.

YOUR JUSTIFIER Who Looks for Others to Blame

Blaming others for your problems keeps you in victim thinking at the expense of others. Virtually anything said followed by "That's just the way I am" is denial. Watch your two-part sentences that have the word "but" or "because" in them, which contain rationalizations. You speak the truth in the first half of the sentence, and then state your denial in the second half. These end up being blame statements as you try to avoid responsibility for your own choices. "I know I shouldn't have gone out partying, but I needed a break from work. It's okay for me to have an affair, because my spouse nags me. I didn't want to go gambling at the casino, but she talked me into it.""

YOUR MINIMIZER of the Negative Memories of Using

Amnesia for the bad times can set in. The negative consequences of those using times become fuzzy. You forget the hangovers, the missed days of work, the shame of the DUI and the wrecked car. You block out the disappointed look on your child or spouse's face. You forget your discouragement, and the broken promises to yourself. Your Con tells you to go for the high, the buzz, and the thrill. You gloss over the bad, the desperate and the ugly.

These are only a few of the nasty characters who make up the Con. But wait! You also have some positive aspects of yourself to count on.

YOUR INNER CHARACTERS Who Help You Achieve Sobriety

These parts of you are positive and rooting for recovery. You are not in this noble fight all alone. You have many resilient parts of you that will help you stay straight. These life-affirming parts help you prevent relapse. They know just the right things to say to cut off that nasty Con thinking. Give power to these positive characters, and you will give power to your life.

Find YOUR PRACTICAL PART. Breathe, step back then back off from the Con chatter. Access what is going on in your mind. Pride yourself on your practical nature. Realize that your lying Con is trying to hood wink you. Ask yourself what needs to be done from a practical view, and then do it.

Fire up YOUR INNER CHEERLEADER. Give yourself a pep talk: "I can deal with this. I handled this last time. I can beat the cravings. I got through the bad time before. I'm in charge here, not my cravings."

Ask YOUR INNER PROCRASTINATOR to help you out. Postpone those cravings. Put off thinking about using. Ride the tide of cravings and get on to something else. Chant, "Ride the wave! Ride the wave!"

YOUR INNER DISTRACTER can woo you elsewhere. Get busy. Change your mental channel. Get your mind on your prevention tools to keep from thinking about using. Remember what has worked in the past to get you through the craving.

Have YOUR INNER DRILL SARGENT yell, "Move, move, move!" Respond with positive action. Move on. Get out of your lonely space. Leave any setting that promotes the substance or unhealthy activity.

YOUR INNER PROBLEM SOLVER can nudge you to get some help. Ask yourself, "Who can I call to get me through this? Call several people and talk the rough time through. Keep calling safe people to get through this danger zone. Foster a good support system for staying sober. Talk out uncomfortable feelings. We all get by with a little help from our friends.

YOUR INNER TURNABOUT are things you tell yourself to get yourself back on the right track. Turnarounds are words that you say to turn your common sense back on! They remind you to take responsibility for the choices you make. "I'm the one who decides to go out partying. I make choices for myself no matter what anyone else chooses to do. No one can talk me into anything. I can choose recovery or being controlled by my addiction."

******Choosing Responsibility and Feeling Good About It******

Give up the charade of rationalizing, minimizing and justifying using. Your chance for happiness is connected to your ability to admit what needs changing in yourself. Catch yourself in the dishonorable act of evading personal responsibility. Use your sense of truth and honesty to own up to your mistakes and slips ups. Make your life accountable for your actions and watch how your self-esteem soars! Watch out if you hear yourself say, "I gotta have it now!"

You always have more choices than you think. If you think you have only one choice, you are conning yourself again big time! Having only one choice of running toward your addiction full force is like wearing horse blinders. Open up your choice field. Feel good to be responsible for making good choices for your life.

****** REMEMBER TO REMEMBER ******

If your mind starts messing with you about how great using is, remember to remember. Remember the truth of how miserable you were when using. Keep your mind on the negative consequences of your addictive behavior.

Don't kid yourself. Don't pull an Inner Con. Remember the bad things about using. Remember how you kept your life in turmoil by chasing your addiction. If your addiction didn't work in the past, it won't work for you now. If it was bad for you in the past, it will be bad for you in the future.

Addictions are about having a primary relationship with a bottle, a drug or an unhealthy activity. Your primary relationship should be with yourself and your loved ones. The process of recovery is having a real relationship with all that life brings. Experiencing all. Showing up, suiting up and doing the work. Hard work to be sure, but you are worth it.

Addictions are always about loss‹the loss of your identity. This Con is not who you are. Remember the important things. Valuing yourself and having pride are the best choices. Remember how satisfying a life free from addiction is. Remember who you are. You are love. Whatever the fear, whatever the discomfort, whatever the craving, find the love solution. Remember to remember.



Lynne Namka, Ed. D., a psychologist who helps individuals with personal and spiritual growth issues, is the author of The Doormat Syndrome, a book on co-dependency and The Mad Family Gets Their Mads Out, and How to Let Go of Your Mad Baggage. Her latest book on conscious aging is A Gathering of Grandmothers: Words of Wisdom from Women of Spirit and Power. She has an award winning web site on anger management at http://members.aol.com/AngriesOut/index.htm

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Cowboy
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Cowboy »

I took the time and focussed on my "patient self" to to the time read this and it was well worth it.

Thanks for sharing swordgirl.
Recovery is giving up one thing for everything. Addiction is giving up everything for one thing.

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Vertical Man
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Vertical Man »

What a brilliant and insightful read 👍

Thank you so much for sharing swordgirl 🙏
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom”
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Londoner
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Londoner »

I'm wondering what people think about AF drinks like zero percent lager and cider. Technically they are not 'alcohol free' as they have trace amounts of alcohol in (0.05 percent). I have tried them a few times and they seem so artificial to me. Think I'll just stick to totally soft drinks like ginger beer etc. going forward.
Not given up on giving up.

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Newt
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Newt »

Heineken and Guinness both do a 0,0% and they are damned close to the full fat version but I agree, the most of them taste weird and no substitute for a good glass of Vimto.


Regarding the 0,05%, you will never get drunk from it, that low amount is metabolized so quickly you will die of water toxification before you would even feel anything from it, that's why it can legally be sold as alcohol free https://steadydrinker.com/articles/is-0-5-alcohol-free/



There is more in the food we eat, when was the last time you remember getting drunk on a few burger rolls? :lol: https://steadydrinker.com/articles/food ... s-alcohol/


Personally, when out and there's no tea, I like Tonic water ;)?
I was addicted to the hokey cokey until I turned myself around.

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swordgirl.
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by swordgirl. »

Londoner wrote:
08 Jan 2022 15:24
I'm wondering what people think about AF drinks like zero percent lager and cider.
I got some cans of Brew Dog, Nanny State before Christmas, I’ve only had one so far but it was nice, very hoppy but nice to have a change. The were reports in the news that the owner isn’t very nice to his staff so I’m not sure I will be rushing out to buy it again!

My friend got some alcohol free fizz for me, it was quite sweet though, we had to water it down with some sparking water :lol2: I also like posh tonic for a treat, or the Fevertree ginger ale is nice as well. Most of the time I just have fizzy water with cordial or by itself. I’m a big fan of the Sainsbury’s White Grape and Peach and Alphonso Mango and Apple squash although the latter is too sweet to have very often.

My detox co-ordinator recommended that we stay away from alcohol substitutes. I wouldn’t drink them all the time but an occasional foray into them is fine.

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Newt
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Newt »

That Brew Dog's not bad but again, I much prefer a cup of Tetley.
I was addicted to the hokey cokey until I turned myself around.

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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Jj123 »

Londoner wrote:
08 Jan 2022 15:24
I'm wondering what people think about AF drinks like zero percent lager and cider. Technically they are not 'alcohol free' as they have trace amounts of alcohol in (0.05 percent). I have tried them a few times and they seem so artificial to me. Think I'll just stick to totally soft drinks like ginger beer etc. going forward.
Hi Londoner
I like Heineken 0% and frexinet 0% sparkling
Don’t drink them much now but did in the first year. They really helped me but I know some find them a bit triggering. Also there’s a lovely scottish alcohol free spirit feragagia which I will have if I’m eating out tastes brilliant.
A lot of the alcohol free Proseccos are very sweet eh nosecco. Don’t like becks blue either tastes too synthetic for me
JJ
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SoberBoots
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by SoberBoots »

I drink quite a lot of alcohol free stuff, can totally understand why others don't though. AF cider is a bit sweeter than I'd like but refreshing on a hot day. Wines are in need of improvement, but I drink Natureo and Hardy's Chardonnay. Over Christmas I've tried several of the new ultra low-alcohol gins and enjoyed a couple of them, so I've stocked up with those and some posh tonic. I found these substitutes really useful in the first year or so and although I drink much less of them now they still have their value. Working at home, I like to have some sort of ritual at the end of the working day and some sort of AF drink often serves the purpose.
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Mudbucker
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Mudbucker »

That's an interesting book excerpt.

Probably not the point it's trying to make, but it chimes with me because of the fractured nature of the personality. The deeper I have dug, the less I have found; it seems that any elements of the self revolve around a kind of nothing, merely a passive observer, albeit one which is affected by the pull of certain strong factors, such as anger, fear, desire. One might whimsically suggest that I have burrowed down to some kind of pure consciousness or soul, but the psychological terms are more likely to be avoidance and dissociation. I have very little sense of self, or a self which is very rudimentary, with many parts added on in response to external events or expectations. The evidence I have of my own existence is the conscious awareness, and the fact that others react to my actions and words, though whether those reactions are positive or negative is often beyond my comprehension.
The regret after drinking is worse than the desire before.

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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Loulou x »

Hi everyone :\: haven’t been on here for a few years. Wish I’d stuck with you all. Yes I’ve hit rock bottom. Blackouts, arguments, tears and relationship breakdown. I haven’t had a drink today purely because I couldn’t face the world. (w)

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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by martha »

Loulou x wrote:
12 Jan 2022 20:07
Hi everyone :\: haven’t been on here for a few years. Wish I’d stuck with you all. Yes I’ve hit rock bottom. Blackouts, arguments, tears and relationship breakdown. I haven’t had a drink today purely because I couldn’t face the world. (w)
Hi Loulou! :\: <:)> You've come to the right place and it's never too late to turn things around. That's great you haven't had a drink today but I'm sorry you've felt so bad about facing the world. It sounds as if you've been through some really difficult times. This can be the start of things getting better again <:)> Maybe you could join the 7 day thread, of you feel up to it? In any case, do stick around and keep posting. <:)>
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Loulou x »

Hello Martha.
Awww thank you for replying xx
Did have a quick look at 7 day. Just need to give myself a huge push.
Hope you’re well and I think I will stick around this time xx

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swordgirl.
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by swordgirl. »

Welcome Loulou, hope you’ve had a good day today ;)? Hi Martha

I’m just popping in here to share that I went to the peer support group today, which is run by the recovery people I have been dealing with. There were 3 other people there plus a worker/facilitator. Everyone was very nice, some people are still using various things so at a range of different stages. I felt a tiny bit frustrated at times even though everyone was so nice. Some people were very fixed in their perspective but it’s not for me to tell them how to think. Sadly I think the mention of drinking did set off my drinking thoughts slightly before I left but I managed to shut them down fairly quickly. Bit ironic that I was getting those ideas in my head at a recovery group but I do think I am going to try and go again. It’s just a bit of a free for all so does go off on a tangent. Anyway, thanks for letting me share on here. I do seem to be flitting about a bit from thread to thread. I miss having a 'home' thread, I might have to try and revive Regrouping ;) I think we have all come a long way \:)/ \:)/

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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Button36 »

Hi everyone
I’m coming up to 7 months and not sure where to be on the forum, there’s no one on the 6 month thread. I’m feeling a bit lost to be honest, I really enjoyed the 100 day thread and stayed on for quite a while, missing chatting and sharing similar experiences. If anyone has any suggestions I’d really appreciate it.

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martha
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by martha »

Button36 wrote:
15 Jan 2022 19:44
Hi everyone
I’m coming up to 7 months and not sure where to be on the forum, there’s no one on the 6 month thread. I’m feeling a bit lost to be honest, I really enjoyed the 100 day thread and stayed on for quite a while, missing chatting and sharing similar experiences. If anyone has any suggestions I’d really appreciate it.

Button xx
Hi Button! You have done so brilliantly! \:)/ <:)> I love reading your posts and feeling your positivity.

I'm in a similar position. I'm coming up for 9 months (on 18th Jan). I'm just dotting around the forum without any real kind of 'home' thread. I haven't followed all the challenge threads this time (didn't want to jinx myself), though I did join in 100 days once I felt a bit more established. The difficulty in getting further along the sobriety journey is that often your fellow travellers drop off along the road and you end up alone on the challenge threads.

What about The One Year Milestone? I'd be happy to join you there 😊
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by SoberBoots »

Hello both! I missed the structure of the challenges too, as I worked my way through them.

Going on the 1 year thread is a great suggestion. I also did the monthly challenge every month for a long time - there's no reason to just do it for a single month. A thread I wish I'd discivered sooner is the Road to Abstinence which is a great place for reflection and inspiration.

Massive congratulations to both of you, you're doing so well!
The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago. The second best time is today.

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Button36
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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Button36 »

Thank you sober boots great advice,

Also thank you Martha I would love to join you on the one year milestone thread. Totally understand what you mean by people dropping of the threads it is a shame as we all get to know each other and help each other along. I’ve dropped off a few threads in the past and have been glad to see those who didn’t carry on into years of sobriety. It just shows that we all can get there when we are ready.

Thank you for saying you find my posts positive, I often think I have become quite negative so that is lovely to know.

I think there is nothing better than this forum for buddying up and sharing what is often a difficult but absolutely rewarding journey <:)>
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It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.

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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Stewart46 »

I've been slowly but surely drinking again which ended up in a trip to A&E this morning after falling while going for the bus last night, while very drunk. I've broken my wrist and feel like a proper fool. I might join one of the challenges to see if it helps me build up the initial few weeks.

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Re: General Support and Chat

Post by Topcat »

I'm sure we've all been in that situation Stewart - I certainly have. The important thing is getting back up and giving it another go. Well done ;)?
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