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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

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Roxiey
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Roxiey » 14 Dec 2011 19:27

Hello

I am new to BE and am so glad I found it as feeling so low. My friends and family are worn out with me I think even though I have had massive support. I have finally finally split with my partner after 14 years. So many problems with his behaviour have been with alcohol and I have lived with it for so many years I feel it is normal and it is up to me to fix it.

I had a difficult childhood and many of my parents problems I felt were my fault for not being a good enough child, not being academic or musical enough and they had massive problems that I blamed myself for and still do as I couldn't fix their relationship. If I can't fix something I think it's my fault and hate myself for it.

My partner's drinking has been so heavy but he is a huge and massive character and everyone thinks he is the most amazing and entertaining person ever. We had some great years but he would always drink from about 4pm daily in the pub - bills went unpaid as they weren't a priority. His moods started to get bad about 5 years ago and he would have vile moods and be verbally abusive - again I thought it was my fault as I had made him do it.

I left after a very bad time about 4 years ago as was afraid I would be badly hurt but I went back as he was so so sorry and I felt guilty due to his misery. When he doesn't drink he is so calm and serene. When he drinks, a monster erupts and I shake in terror though he has never hit me and I get confused as always relate domestic violence to physical assault and bruises and broken bones, but I suppose he has bruised and broken my mind even though you can't see it.

Things have recently got bad again and somehow this time I am trying to find the strength not to go back even though it feels so wrong - it is up to me to put things right as he is hurting and he is my responsibility. My needs come second. My mother always told me how selfish I was and I feel bad at trying to protect myself now, but I know I have to as need to work and keep going. I have asked him if he would consider getting help but he doesn't recognise that alcohol is a problem - he blames other situations and the fact that he can go a month without alcohol means he doesn't have a problem does it???? I love my couple of glasses of wine each eve and have never gone a month without a drink.

Thanks for listening.

Sindy
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Sindy » 14 Dec 2011 19:38

not really sure what to say to you as I dont have a lot of experience, I found BE recently too and my friend is an alcoholic and I posted about it, the posters have given me some good advice and it helps to know that someone is here to listen to you,

All I can say other than that is give you hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

tim29
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by tim29 » 14 Dec 2011 21:50

hi roxiey

sorry to hear about the situation you find yourself in.

it does sound like your partner has a drink problem. but if he is not ready to recognise/admit it to himself then there is nothing you can do to make him. nothing of what has happened is your fault. and it is not your responsibility to fix it for him. i know that you care about him, but the only person who can fix anything is him.

i think that you have made the right decision in leaving him. it may make him think about his behaviour and drinking. it will be difficult for you i know, but you need to put your needs first and all you can do is tell him why you have left. he may not accept that as the reason to start with, but with you staying away he will hopefully come to realise that he has to tackle this issue.

unfortunately there is nothing you can do to force him to do something, and please do not blame yourself. it is him who has done this, and it is him who must put things right.

i wish you all the best.

Grendelslip

Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Grendelslip » 15 Dec 2011 07:45

Roxiey - listen to Tim

Sindy - the words come later but your heart speaks volumes and you give support just by posting and it is good that you do. That post worked for me just fine.

I witter away here because, to be honest, I have too much free time on my hands. But I did write something once which I think hit the mark. Where it came from I do not know but sometimes the muse takes over and works. It is on the thread ‘my partner drinks far too much…’ and was written on the 24 October. I know it sounds big-headed but I really think that I got it right that time. It explains what it is to be an alcoholic and why it is not your fault as the other person, why you just (hard I know) have to sit back and why Tim is right. Please just note the bit about giving support and relapsing.

I do not need to add to Tim’s advice, except that repetition reinforces.

Sindy
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Sindy » 15 Dec 2011 11:05

Grendelslip wrote:Roxiey - listen to Tim

Sindy - the words come later but your heart speaks volumes and you give support just by posting and it is good that you do. That post worked for me just fine.

I witter away here because, to be honest, I have too much free time on my hands. But I did write something once which I think hit the mark. Where it came from I do not know but sometimes the muse takes over and works. It is on the thread ‘my partner drinks far too much…’ and was written on the 24 October. I know it sounds big-headed but I really think that I got it right that time. It explains what it is to be an alcoholic and why it is not your fault as the other person, why you just (hard I know) have to sit back and why Tim is right. Please just note the bit about giving support and relapsing.

I do not need to add to Tim’s advice, except that repetition reinforces.
Thank you for that Grendelslip - I have gone and read that post you talked about to try and gain some insight into what my friend is going through and it sort of re-inforces what I already knew and the posters here have told me, I.E I cant do anything for my friend but offer love and support to her, which I will do no questions asked, but it is her battle and no amount of me worrying is going to stop her drinking, only she will do that for herself

But it doesnt stop me worrying or hurting for both of us when I see what she is going throug

Grendelslip

Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Grendelslip » 15 Dec 2011 11:26

I know Sindy, I really know. My wife has just left me but has alcohol issues of her own and even though she is gone I still worry and care. It is really hard but we have to think of ourselves first. I cannot make you stop worrying any more than I can make myself, but it will do no good. I have managed to put the guilt in the past, if not the worry. Can you at least do the same? It is a total bummer but sometimes life is like that. You are a good friend but YOU also count.

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linda6666
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by linda6666 » 15 Dec 2011 13:00

Hi All <:)> I found this thread while just looking.

I myself lost my partner/ my self respect/ a lot of trust from loved one's ALL THROUGH DRINK :( , But what you all need to see is, until you can Love yourself/ Trust yourself and respect yourself , you can not expect others to give these things to you..

My post may sound harsh and believe me its far from that, because i had to love and loose to make me wake up and see just what alcohol does to a family/to a relationship.

Its took a year and half for my ex to tell me the fears he had for me, and the reasons i thought he had left was infact not the real reasons. When someone loves you but can not understand how and why we/you drink, they simply cant begin to understand or know how to help. And if they fear for your life (drink takes so many life's) ,so many just can't handle the fact that one day they could find the person they love so much dead, so the way they find it easier is to leave...

And now im sober, even though i understand the mind of a drinker so i would not be so quick to run, but i would find it hard watching a loved one drinking themself into a early grave..

So once your sober and show your loved ones (and this can be done) you earn the trust back, maybe you never get 100% trust and somewhere in the back of the mind of your loved one will be that thought "What if"?
But it is hard for them also, to see the person they love turn into someone they don't understand.
I once hated the bones of my ex for leaving me when i needed the support, but now i know he was not best placed to give me that support, and in fact he did me the biggest favour he could ever do.
Loosing a loved one that walks out is hard, but never final, loosing a loved one due to death is final :(

So once you start to love yourself once more, and respect yourself you might be surprised your loved ones are just waiting for that change..Never say never...

IT AINT ALL OVER UNTIL THE FAT LADY SINGS.... <:)> <:)> ;)? ;)?
I Have a Guardian Angel in heaven... I call him DADDY BEAR. I AM NOW 9 YEARS DRY AND LOVING IT,SO PROUD OF ME ;-)
We are all given a 2nd chance every day, it's just we don't usually take them . I TOOK MINE

Grendelslip

Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Grendelslip » 15 Dec 2011 13:08

As always Linda - a blooming good post and I for one did not find it harsh at all. <:)> <:)>

Er.. my recently departed OH is a Fat Lady. Might just have to muffle her.

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DoingBetter
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by DoingBetter » 16 Dec 2011 03:11

As in "its over when the fat lady sings?" I'm sorry she left Grendelslip, that must be hard.

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PandaGirl
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by PandaGirl » 19 Dec 2011 09:57

Roxiey - I think you have done the right thing. There comes a point where you have to look after your own needs x
“In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.” – Bill Cosby

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Amber8200
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Amber8200 » 20 Dec 2011 22:04

Hullo Roxiey,

Hope you are feeling better and still checking in here. You seem to feel you have to take responsibility for others well-being, in part because you feel you let your parents down by not being a good enough child, and now you are blaming yourself for not being able to take responsibility for your partner. You can't do that. He is what he is, and does what he is, for reasons which neither of you might ever understand, and it's not up to you to help him with this. If he doesn't think he has a problem with alcohol there is nothing you can do to persuade him. Don't even consider going back because of your guilt feelings. You might think about getting some counselling or therapy to deal with your own problems about feeling you have to be Ms Fix-It, though, as this will make things tough for you for the rest of your life, whether or not alcohol is involved. I know because I am also a Ms Fix-It, I have used alcohol to prop myself up, and am still with a partner who is drinking. Getting my own drinking under control has been my main "project" this year but as part of that I have learnt that I have to let other people take responsibility for their own lives even if they muck it up. Good luck and hugs.

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DoingBetter
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by DoingBetter » 20 Dec 2011 23:12

Hi Roxiey, I too am a fixer. I have finally realized that I need to get back to fixing me. It takes tremendous strength to step back and let other people struggle, but that struggle is what makes us stronger.

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r1o2s3e
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by r1o2s3e » 25 Aug 2012 23:33

My other half and I have decided to separate for a while. We are both singing from the same hymn sheet so it should do easier.

My problem is, I have been AF for 4 months and. Have never lived alone before. I went from home to married life,
Changed partners a few times. Got 3 fantastic children who live a way. This current partner and I have been together 11 years.

I m scared of living alone. ? Has any one got any tips on how to make it easy , how to enjoy it ?

Rose.

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behindblueeyes
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by behindblueeyes » 25 Aug 2012 23:53

Oh Rosey....bless you! Are you ok? <:)>

Living alone takes a bit of getting used to....but now you're AF you'll be in a much better place in your head to think about what you want to do and how you want to do it....

Just give yourself a little bit of time to decide what you want to do - it's actually good fun to make your own decisions, be in charge of the TV remote (!) and have some free time when you can just please yourself...and get your life back!

Being single is the new black.....

<:)>
Dance like no-one is watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no-one is listening, live like it's heaven on earth.

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r1o2s3e
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by r1o2s3e » 26 Aug 2012 00:09

I do want to make a go at been on my own,but just wounded is it true that at 50 you have more chance of been gun downed than meeting anyone else.

Gues it will be like learning to swim. Easy when you let go of the side.

Then there is the financial side. Oh god its a mind field .

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r1o2s3e
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by r1o2s3e » 26 Aug 2012 00:18

I didn't say I was 50 . Just wanted to know if I would be shot. ;) :lol:

I just love you guys :lol: :lol:

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behindblueeyes
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by behindblueeyes » 26 Aug 2012 00:20

Small steps Rosey....dont try to think of it all in one go!

It is different and it takes a bit of getting used to....but if you can do getting sober....you can do this too!

And there's always internet dating if you're really keen :o ....thats a bit like BE but with more drinking!! <:)> Shooting is optional..... ;)

As that mouse chap says - the dynamics of all of our relationships do change when we get sober and it's bound to have an impact. But you're really lucky to be doing this with some sober time under your belt - that way you know the decisions you're making are really 'clean' and you're in a great position to be able to make some fabulous choices for yourself about what you want the next part of your life to look like.

Exciting times ahead! <:)>
Dance like no-one is watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no-one is listening, live like it's heaven on earth.

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Topcat
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Topcat » 26 Aug 2012 07:33

Oh Rosie, you can use this time to great advantage. You can really get to know yourself. Sounds weird but I bet you've always put others before yourself - right? It's "you" time now and enjoy it. When I broke up from my relationship I thought I'd never get on on my own, but I have and, like mouse, I prefer it. There are occasional moments when I feel a bit lonely but, let's face it, you can feel lonely in a crowded room! Don't forget you are still learning about the new sober you and that takes time. You really need to make that your No. 1 priority. Enjoy your you time and, if someone comes along, good luck, but don't feel that you have to be in a relationship - you do not. <:)> <:)>
#5 on the 2020 Challenge
Today is our most precious possession.

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r1o2s3e
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by r1o2s3e » 26 Aug 2012 22:13

Thanks but what's the down side of been on your own.?

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behindblueeyes
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by behindblueeyes » 26 Aug 2012 22:34

r1o2s3e wrote:Thanks but what's the down side of been on your own.?
For me Rosey - coming home to a dark house - I ALWAYS leave lights on...

Sometimes there's something to share - and no-one about to share it with....

Things that come in packs of two....when you only want one...

An empty space in a big bed....

But you know Rosey - none of that is worth trying to make something work that's really not right! Ive been so much more lonely in the wrong relationship than I've ever been on my own....

<:)>
Dance like no-one is watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no-one is listening, live like it's heaven on earth.

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