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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

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r1o2s3e
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by r1o2s3e » 26 Aug 2012 22:41

Thanks BBE,

Let's just hope it remain sivelised . I don't like up set. X

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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by r1o2s3e » 26 Aug 2012 22:46

BBE I think the easiest way to put it is " there isn't anything in this relationship for me anymore " .

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behindblueeyes
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by behindblueeyes » 26 Aug 2012 22:55

There you have the answer Rosey....if there's nothing in it for you you're much better off on your own.

And it's good if you can stay civilised - maybe you can if you don't have children...???

Im not sure aiming to 'stay friends' really works though.... :? I've never been able to do that....there always seems to be someone who wants more if you try to aim for the 'friends' thing....

<:)>
Dance like no-one is watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no-one is listening, live like it's heaven on earth.

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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by r1o2s3e » 26 Aug 2012 23:23

I guess you are right. Do you kong how I can get him a flat .
He is self employed and know books , it's his first year trading. I need to get him settled somewhere for my own safety whilst he is amicable.

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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by behindblueeyes » 26 Aug 2012 23:49

Rose....I don't know how you'd get him a flat - but I do know that it's probably not your job to do that for him! He needs to do that for himself...you can stay amicable by supporting and showing interest but not by actually doing it.

Untangling yourself is going to feel tough to start off with and very different if you've been together for a while....but it is one of the things you have to work out how to do I think. You're not responsible for him - he's not responsible for you....it's a big change and may not all be plain sailing.

<:)>
Dance like no-one is watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no-one is listening, live like it's heaven on earth.

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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by r1o2s3e » 01 Sep 2012 15:51

It's Saturday night. What to singletons do that don't drink and have no friends. ( gave up my friends for this relationship,) can you believe the x has asked me to go with him to visit his elderly mother tomorrow.
This is really hard.

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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by DannyD » 01 Sep 2012 21:29

Rosie - I've caught up now. Really slow!

I've been on my own (without a live-in partner) for years. Alcohol enouraged me to make some disastrous choices, but because of children, they never moved in. However, it's been more fun because they're not live-in.

Evenings are tricky. I've deliberatly found an evening job. This does mean coming home in the dark (sorry BBE), but I have a fearsome cat - and a dog who'll lick everyone to death. Outdoor lights that 'repel enemies and welcomes friends' (aren't they clever to tell the difference?)are quite important. What about a part time evening job - pubs, theatres, care homes. I'm guessing that you like to be a carer in a relationship - someone who likes to look after people has incredibly useful, transferrable skills.

And I knit in the evenings. My sister (miles away, on her own), does a lot of crafting - she's started her Cristmas cards. All through the summer I've watched a lot of really awful television - and caught most of the olympics.

Have a think about what you'd like to do - sit and listen to the radio? Get a dog and join a dog club? My neighbour has dogs and has just come home from the sort of holiday (with dogs) that she never wanted to end. And there are clubs out there - WI, gardening, red hatters (Strictly completely barmy women only). What about music groups, open mic evenings at pubs. Volunteer work? Samaritans are always looking for volunteers. Evening classes start in September. You like interior design? There's bound to be a local course. Or something completely different - art, juggling (my daughter went to juggling classes and learnt to unicycle. Admitedly she was 10....). Learn all the history of where you live and become a blue badge guide. Get involved with the local primary schools or playschools - ask if they want helpers. Listening to children learning to read is a personal reward.

Evenings can be long and quiet - it's why I'm on BE so much.

But don't panic. Just today I was chatted up (he thought I was older than I am....), but try beng on your own for a while before jumping into something new. Meeting and getting to know our sober selves may take longer than we think.

Sorry - very long post. <:)> <:)> for Rosie xx
be selfish in your sobriety.

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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by r1o2s3e » 04 Sep 2012 08:29

Thanks DD some bril ideas here. Will defiantly give them ago.
But motorvation is ver low. A million things a should be doing but can't be arsed .

It's officially now that I am old. My tea went cold and I warmed to up in the micro wave twice. :o

Grendelslip

Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Grendelslip » 04 Sep 2012 11:17

Rosie-posie that's so not true. You are officially not old. Old people don't have microwaves or, if they do, they don't use them. My MIL doesn't cook very much as 'it's not worth it just for one'. :shock: Soooo ... we often take around a home-cooked meal which just need popping in the microwave for a couple of minutes after we have gone home. Does she do that? Oh no. She reheats them for 30 mins in the oven :roll:

Sometimes I lose my motivation because there is too much to do. So, I make a list and do just one thing on the list. Then I cross it off the list, put the list in a drawer and go do something not on the list. Like go for a walk or watch a film. The thing about jobs is that often it is other people who want them done most. I think we shouldn't do jobs unless we want them done (or somebody is paying us to do them).

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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by DannyD » 04 Sep 2012 11:39

Grendelslip wrote:Sometimes I lose my motivation because there is too much to do. So, I make a list and do just one thing on the list. Then I cross it off the list, put the list in a drawer
LIKE that idea.
be selfish in your sobriety.

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r1o2s3e
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by r1o2s3e » 04 Sep 2012 11:41

So true it's me who wants it doing no one else and I always make lists but your idea beat mine. Newly on my own so have everything to do motivation crap as I said. Looking at a list and not doing it is tiring and brings me down. . So what you say is do 1/2 etc off the list then put it a way .


Thanks GS .

An other question. When can I start cooking / eating food with alcohol in without awaking the sleeping monster.
Wanted to make vodka jelly or stake dianne

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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by DannyD » 04 Sep 2012 11:53

Steak Dianne - I'm with you on that one. try using pear juice as a substitute? I'm not sure why you want to make vodka jelly - waste of good vodka. And - for me - the temptation of an open bottle of vodka is a step too far yet. I have been known to go to a pub and buy a measure and take it away for cooking - but that's an expensive way of doing things
But I do wonder why you want to cook with alcohol?
be selfish in your sobriety.

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r1o2s3e
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by r1o2s3e » 04 Sep 2012 12:09

The vodka jely was for a friend who has a swallowing problem. But as your right it unrealistic .
But I use to eat out a lot and if I should be lucky to be taken out do you think it would be safe yet to eat food cooked with alcohol.

DD your job must be good I thought you were back at work . ;)?

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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by DannyD » 04 Sep 2012 12:27

Rosey I am - I work evenings mostly. On my bike by 4pm, cycling home by 11 - usually, often earlier, depending on the shift hours.

edit - and sometimes go in later - or just work lunchtimes (that'll be tomorrow).
be selfish in your sobriety.

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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by r1o2s3e » 04 Sep 2012 12:42

Oh no do be carefully . I would be so frightened. One day I will be able to make life easy for everyone.

I'm never going to cope.

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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by DannyD » 04 Sep 2012 12:56

Rosey you're stronger than you think - you've got this far on your own. Little steps. I've needed new windows for years, but it's only been this summer that I've finally done something about them. I think this is very brave of me, but to some one else it might be no big deal. We each have our own mountains to climb. Stay in the foothills until you feel stronger, but you'll soon be scaling your own peaks. xx
be selfish in your sobriety.

Grendelslip

Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Grendelslip » 04 Sep 2012 13:44

Edit: sorry,this is a bit late. Ever tried typing with a parrot helping work the touch-sensitive screen? :cry:

Food cooked with alcohol is a tricky one Rosie and I think it is something we need to decide for ourselves. Obviously people taking antabuse have to leave it out in case they get a reaction. For the rest of us I think we have to think about

- is it cheating?

- will it be a trigger?

I remember reading a post from one of our long-term AF visitors in which he referred to the thousands of days since his last drink as well as the hundreds/thousands of days since he last took alcohol - an accident as he didn't realise his cough medicine had alcohol in it. For him that was a slip. For me it wouldn't be and if the best medicine happens to have alcohol in it then I will use it - as a medicine.

I will eat cooked food which has got wine in it. Wine is something I did always enjoy for its flavour an d not for the buzz. I don't think I've ever got drunk on wine. I like the taste it gives to some food, but no more than I like the taste of any other of my favourite grub. If there is wine in a dish on the menu I may eat it or I may eat something else. Wine doesn't have anything to do with my choice.

I wouldn't eat vodka jelly because, to me, that's just another way of having a drink. Actually, it sounds horrible to me now but I have enjoyed it in the past.

We have to make up our own rules. The only thing I will say is that if you don't have to deal with alcohol in any form, then don't. Why take the risk? I deal with it in non-drink forms because it involves things which are - to me - part of living without an alcohol problem i.e part of getting over it. That's just me and my personal goal. I have been very, very careful about it and if I had the slightest doubt I wouldn't do it. You have to be totally honest as well. I think we all know that we are very good at talking ourselves into things which in the end will lead us back to drinking.

So, I think you have to decide. Try this. Suppose you came to my house for dinner and let's pretend that you really enjoyed the meal. :o You know I don't drink so you had no worries about the evening. What a nice, safe occasion! Now, how would you feel if I then told you that there was wine in the sauce that you have already eaten? Go on, imagine you've just eaten something cooked with alcohol. Do you feel you have cheated? Would you feel you should tell us about it? I wouldn't but that has got nothing to do with it. What would you do?

Dave

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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by r1o2s3e » 04 Sep 2012 18:26

Thanks for that. Yes I know how I would feel at the moment.

DD maybe you have just notced them . If I lived near you I would replace them for you . All we need is some one to lift them. ()o

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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by r1o2s3e » 04 Oct 2012 23:17

Giving my relationship another go. I don't think it will work but I have nothing to loose . Can't hack been a lone.
I'm a failure in this but still AF .
Thanks for every ones support soz

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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Topcat » 05 Oct 2012 07:41

All the best Rose and hope it works out for you <:)> . You are not a failure though Rose - far from it. Don't think negative thoughts. You have achieved a lot and you are a great support to others on here and a credit to yourself ;)?
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