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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

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Rubberbandits
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Rubberbandits » 25 Apr 2013 17:14

Hi every one this is my 1st time on here so here goes
My partner that I was with is an alcoholic we where to gather for 7 years to beautiful young boys we have to split then we got back to-gather the fights & the rowing was crazy never been involved in that kind of stuff be for I've seen my mum & dad rowing but not in my relationship.
7 years is along time but had to get out I just hope she can cope with me not being there & hope that the boys are ok which I know they are..
Rubberbandits

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Tommie
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Tommie » 29 May 2015 20:28

Looks like this topic hasn't been used since 2013, is that right? Hope I'm posting in the right thread.

Two years ago, my partner of 15 years died of a heart attack. I was with him. Several months later, to my surprise, I met a man I fell I love with - we seemed to have so much in common - and we got married. He's English but hates the UK so we left (that was a compromise to me as I love the UK) and went to Portugal. What decided me is that he said he needed the sun for his health. While in the UK, he did nothing but always had an excuse... depression, etc. and I accepted it as he promised that when we were abroad, he would feel much better. Of course he didn't. We moved here, bought a house, and still nothing. He spent his mornings playing his computer game and his afternoons in bed sleeping. I spent may afternoons crying because I felt so lonely. The one thing he is good at is spending my money (he had nothing when we met). He spends, spends, spends. He was diagnosed with glaucoma when we arrived here, let me pick up all the medical bills and then went on a shopping spree himself for gadgets. I was so unhappy. The last straw was when he insisted on a puppy he said he would train and that is the last promised he broke. Not only did he abandon his 8-year-dog when we adopted a puppy (he suddenly stopped talking or have any interaction with him) but he didn't train the puppy as he said he would. The result was a house covered in pee and poo. You can imagine. When I asked him to leave, he said he would leave all the animals with me (he is supposed to be an animal lover!?!?!) but I insisted he takes the puppy with him. I couldn't cope with him. He did, and left his dog and his cat with me, who are, by the way, very happy with me now.

How could I have been so stupid? On paper, he sounds so great - he is very intelligent and expresses himself very well - but in reality, he's a mess. Why, or why, did I get involve with him? He consistently made me angry by doing things which he knew I hated, I was suddenly not allowed to smoke, drink, or talk to friends because "we must stick together"... 5 months into my marriage, my husband announced he was allergic to me (he's convinced he has allergies to all sorts of things but the doctor disagrees), he had spent the whole night doing research about allergies and found a web-site explaining that allergies to people happen... so of course... he became allergic to me. The fact that he announced that as I was waking up didn't seem to disturb him in the least. I couldn't say anything, I think if I had tried, I would have burst into tears.

I guess it's a story as old as the world, but I feel like such an idiot. Sorry for sharing so much, just feel so unhappy right now.
I WILL beat this. I will. For my pets, for myself, and because I still want something out of life.

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Newt
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Newt » 29 May 2015 21:38

Hello Tommie and welcome to Brighteye,

That is a real painful story and my heart goes out to you <:)> Can I suggest you spend some time this weekend getting to know Brighteye and meeting some of it's members, we are a friendly bunch here and always happy to help however we can.

Regrouping is a great thread for people who aren't on a challenge and just want to meet up for a chat and even a bit of fun, there are some nice people who post in there daily and you would be more than welcome!

I'm looking forward to seeing you around the forum. :)
Social distancing since 1966

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Tommie
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Tommie » 29 May 2015 21:48

Will do. Thanks for your answer, it means a lot. I'll explore the site a bit more this week-end,
I WILL beat this. I will. For my pets, for myself, and because I still want something out of life.

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Newt
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Newt » 29 May 2015 22:03

There is a forum navigation guide thread that may help speed things up a little Tommie. ;)?
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DannyD
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by DannyD » 29 May 2015 23:45

Hi Tommie, and welcome to BE.

Yours is a sad story, but you don't have to be sad, sorry or unhappy any more, because, guess what. He's gone. You told him to go and take the incontinent puppy. So he did. And you have the older dog and cat for company. If you can start to be positive, are you in a position to think about moving back to the UK? Would you want to?

I wonder if you had sufficient grieving time for your partner, before you met your husband. Maybe grief counselling might be appropriate?

Hang on in there. Things can only get better.
be selfish in your sobriety.

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Tommie
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Tommie » 30 May 2015 10:35

Hi DannyD,

Talk about going to the heart of it... yeah, you're absolutely right, I didn't have enough time to grieve... we were running a b&b business at the time and he died at the beginning of the season, so right after that happened, I had to carry on as normal which was tough. I was suddenly alone to do everything, which I'm capable of doing, but the stress levels were high. When I met my husband, he knew all that and accepted I would need time... promises promises of course. I don't think I had 5 mins to myself because there was always something he wanted. But of course, he's gone, which is great, but I feel like such an idiot for marrying him in the first place and I'm so resentful.

As to going back to the UK, I am considering it. I need to stay here for 2 years... because he's English, I'm French, we got married in Scotland and moved to Portugal, it's a bit complicated! We've been advised that we have to separate for 2 years before I can apply for divorce. I use the time to improve the house - at first it was to make it a home and now, it is also because if I decide to sell, it will look nicer then.

Therapy... yeah, I have considered this, I have already been through that once in my life a long time ago so I know how beneficial it can be. I'm undecided for now. We'll see.

I'm going to spend some time this week-end looking through this web-site and try to find my way round it. I see that I've been given a link to navigate better. Thanks for your help everyone.

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DannyD
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by DannyD » 30 May 2015 11:15

I used to feel resentful - first when I was married. All his fault, so I'll drink. And then when he'd gone - all his fault, so I'll drink. It took years, and it's only now when I am feeling more secure in my sobriety, that I can stop blaming him for the world and it's troubles. Yup, some was his fault, my faults were my own. And try not to feel resentful. You've got the opportunity to live in a different part of the world, explore a different culture, learn (struggle?) with a new language. How exciting. And when males come knocking, tell them 'begone! I am discovering myself.' The good ones (actually, and the bad ones probably) will hang around The Woman of Mystery.

Trouble is, when you're in the midst of turmoil and doubt, it's sometimes difficult to see a way out. Baby steps. Don't drink today, but make a plan to improve one little thing - strip off wallpaper? Rehang wallpaper? Prune a bush? Plant a bush? Water a bush?
be selfish in your sobriety.

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Tommie
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Tommie » 30 May 2015 11:57

I actually contacted him by e-mail to tell him how angry I feel. I just needed him to know. He thinks maybe I've still got feelings and suggested Skyping. No way. And no more e-mails. I actually spent 2 nights without alcohol recently - can't remember when but I do remember feeling much better... until I didn't but I'll work on that.

I'm usually OK with languages. I can now read and write Portuguese but speaking it is still difficult and I'm getting frustrated at not being able to communicate with anyone, so I've booked conversation lessons on Skype with a Portuguese teacher. Hopefully she can get me to a level where I can talk about every day stuff. That will certainly do my brain and my confidence a lot of good.

Not ready to stop drinking just yet but thinking about it... I can for the first time start to imagine a life without alcohol although it's a scary thought right now. I'm going to try and clear the garden a bit more today, it's quite therapeutic and better than staring at the wall!
I WILL beat this. I will. For my pets, for myself, and because I still want something out of life.

Maxleo
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Re: Break Up.......So Confused

Post by Maxleo » 14 Apr 2017 13:38

Hi,
I appreciate the efforts you people put in to share blogs on such kind of topics, it was really helpful.

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