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I Can't Stop... Or Can I?

Any tips or advice to prevent a relapse, alternatively any of your stories about your own relapses.
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Amber
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by Amber » 18 Nov 2008 20:16

Im not sure if I can stop anymore. I try not to post when I am in my moments of weakness and drinking, but I am. I know I have to stop, but I only have myself to consider, certain events and happenings of late have made me realize how much I have ostracized my friends . I am not a good friend, no pisshead is really. I feel so bad that I am such a misfit and havent done what my colleagues and friends have done in getting married and having kids. I feel so totally alone in life. I am not going to rant on about the problems on here and whether they have affected me or not, the mods have enough shit to deal with. My alcohol counsellor hasnt been in touch and clearly doesnt give a shit. Bottom line, I am alone, I have to sort myself out, I dont know if I even want to anymore though. I wish I did have a husband or children to live for.
The strongest among the weak is the one who doesn't forget his weaknesses.
- Danish Proverb

Amber
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by Amber » 18 Nov 2008 20:45

Hoping1, you have always been here for me ever since I joined. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart <:)> I keep coming full circle, I know I have to stop the drink, its killing me, but I mean it when I say I have nothing to live for. I am not enough to live for right now. I need a reason. I try to think that I make a difference to my patients lives and do whatever I can to make sure they are comfortable and have the best chance at life, but I am not indispensable, if I did die , it would shock, but be no great loss. I feel so ashamed talking like this when people are suffering so much more and pattys family are going through what they are, I am a disgrace. All I want to share really is that living alone is not conducive to happiness, I am getting past the point of ever meeting anyone to love or anyone actually needing me....
The strongest among the weak is the one who doesn't forget his weaknesses.
- Danish Proverb

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teodora
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by teodora » 18 Nov 2008 20:57

Dear Amber,

I completely understand your point of being lonely. Two years ago, my life was lonely too. Now, I have a 14 month-old son and a fiancee but I am still feeling lonely and binge drinking up to last Friday. Darling, you need to do it for yourself. I believe, that adding other people to your life will not necessarily make it easier to stop drinking.

Best wishes,

Teodora

C F
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by C F » 19 Nov 2008 08:10

Hello there Amber <:)>

I can't really add anymore to what the others have said. Everyone is special in their own way and that includes you. Your life is precious, just like everyones.

If Im feeling lonely ( and I admit it isn't easy) I try and do something that takes my complete mind off things. Cooking following a recipe is great because you have to concentrate. Try anything that takes your complete attention. I know how easy it is to reach for the you know what, but that won't make you feel any less lonely, I promise.

Take care Amber. Im at work all day today but will be back on at tea time. PM if you need anything. I will check on you later. Have a good day and heres a hug to keep you going <:)>
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tawny
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by tawny » 19 Nov 2008 09:53

mg that really was a lovely post, i enjoyed reading it and hearing about your story and everyone else as well.

Amber, i feel for you so much, loneliness is horrid. i remember one point in my life walking around reciting that Shakespeare piece "tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, creeps in its petty pace from day to day etc etc" i was so low but by constantly repeating that i didn't realise that i was making it impossible for things to be any different. Later in life I learned about this thing where you can divide your life into sections, take a pen and draw a circle, then divide the circle into slices (like a pizza) then name the slices whatever you like, mine were things like, job, family, health, spirituality, friends, finances. then at the end of every day i would write down a couple of things about how each slice was going. that way if say my family were being a nightmare but my friends were ok and my health was ok but my spirituality was lacking, then i could think well i need to work on this and this but the point is that i never then felt totally useless. it doesn't all get overwhelming. even if only one thing was going right in teh whole pizza it was a good sign. gradually things began to improve. and now when i feel alone, i repeat to myself "i like myself, i like myself, i like myself" yep i feel daft and didn't believe it would work but after a minute or so my spirits are lifted.

you never know what is around the corner, it could be right around the very next corner so its worth waiting for. in the meantime whilst waiting just continue to work on yourself, we were all born pure potential and other people have messed around with us, we have let things happen, have done stuff that's not too good but deep down we are the same soul we were when we were born and you can get that back.

lots of people are surrounded by folk and they are not happy. at the moment i can go days without seeing another person but i am very happy. you are the most important person in your own life. just concentrate on you, you are lovely and worth spending the time on. and do the pizza if you can, it did help me.

hugs
tawny <:)> <:)>
if you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you obviously haven't grasped the seriousness of the situation

CFM
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by CFM » 19 Nov 2008 11:20

Hi there everyone. Mygirl, I agree, what a lovely post - terrible times obviously but such a heart-warming ending.
Amber - so sorry you are feeling so down. I can't add much to what has been said, except to reiterate, I too know what it is to be lonely, so I sympathise. As you know I was married, but to tell the truth the last few years of being married were among the loneliest. Since my ex left I have been very lonely at times, but in a way it has not been as bad as when he was here and barely speaking to me. And yes I have children, but now my youngest is 16 and it's not fair (or even possible) to 'use' them to bolster me against loneliness. They have their own lives to lead.
None of this is probably very helpful to you, I'm just saying, all sorts of people can feel lonely, in all sorts of situations. I agree with the others, what you have to live for is *you* - you are a great person, it's clear from your posts and from what you say about your work. No-one know what is just around the corner - Mygirl's post demonstrates that. And you are a strong person, which you have shown by cutting out the booze on previous occasions. YOU CAN DO IT!!! Do PM me if it could possibly help.

Lots of love,

CFM xxx

Frank
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by Frank » 19 Nov 2008 13:30

Hiya Amber darlin, dont worry your not alone, people are livin alone in this country more than ever before,
I know this cos I looked it up when I was feelin really down cos I felt lonley, let me just say hittin the ale (or whatever your choice of poison is) just aint a fix, I was starin out of the window one nite abt 2 months ago, feelin really sorry for myself, I knew my mates were all down the pub gettin pissed an I thought ahhh eff it I'm goin an I did, an guess what, I did it abt 3 nites a week. I live alone too, an am single, I get lonley too but I'm so determined that ale and/or pubs aint the answer, in fact it can become destructive (on my nites out I very nearly became involved with a girl who bases her whole life around the ale house) now that would of been very destructive. Anyway Amber try an keep yer chin up girl, your not alone, an if I get any ideas or advice to help yer I deffo will.

Frank xx

C F
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by C F » 19 Nov 2008 18:07

Mygirl, you told your story so well. I was engrossed! So glad things worked out for you <:)>

How are you feeling tonight, Amber? <:)>
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mumof3
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by mumof3 » 19 Nov 2008 18:52

Amber

I know about loneliness too. I have 3 lovely children (one at uni) but not many friends and no OH. I guess over the years they all my friends got fed up with me, and/or I ran away from them.

I used to own a 4 bedroom detached house, have a good job, a nanny for the kids etc etc and now I am living in a rented house, and although I do work, I am on benefits too. 'How the mighty have fallen' (and that is a quote from the wife of my childrens' father!!)The evenings are just so long, as I get the children from school at 3.30pm and then what?

I guess, in the end, we have to realise we are all worth something, not just to others, but to ourselves. I do know how hard it can be though. Take care hun <:)>

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Lush
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by Lush » 19 Nov 2008 20:01

Hi Amber, how're you doing today? <:)>

One thing that screamed out at me from your post was when you said you felt ashamed and felt like a hypocrit when other people were suffering worse things. Well, like my old signature used to say:

Perspective is a luxury when your head is buzzing with a swarm of demons.

I got that from a book I was reading at the time (The Kite Runner) and I had to stop and read the sentence over and over again because it struck such a massive chord with me. So please don't feel ashamed or hypocritical about feeling the way you do. We all get lonely, I live on my own (I have a cat but his conversation is rubbish) and get lonely but usually I don't mind my own company. Sometimes though, even in a room full of family or friends I can still feel lonely. Out of place. Just sort of ..... wrong. Since joining BE I've discovered that this seems to be a frequent feeling amongst people with alcohol problems, but for years and years I thought it was just me.

From a work point of view I totally understand, being a nurse myself. Undervalued and overworked. Loads of complaints about the state of the hospital from patients. But you also get one day out of many where a patient looks you in the eye and says 'thankyou'. That makes it all totally worthwhile, and I'm sure you must think that too. Just think back to when a patient last said that to you and how good it made you feel, then try and hang on to that. You ARE worth it (I promise you I didn't say that like a bloody L'Oreal advert). <:)>

Susie
xx

PS mg, loved your story, thanks for that <:)>
"I love the English language, it has a certain je ne sais qoi".

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Bupster
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by Bupster » 19 Nov 2008 21:16

mygirl wrote:Drink doesn't care who it sticks to.
Thanks, MG, I don't know about anyone else but that helps me no end. Sometimes I do feel like there must be something lacking in me, that I'm somehow a fundamental failure because I've let booze be the centre of the world in the past, and nothing that I do now or in the future is ever going to make up for that. Reading that phrase reminds me that it's not me that's forced to behave in the same way over and over again. The booze does that. If I don't drink, or (perhaps) I drink in a sane, thoughtful way, then I'm out of that awful endless trap.

ETA - sorry, Susie, meant to post elsewhere about how happy I am for you that today went ok. Not long back from work hence only just online, not as rubbish as it seems. Well, maybe. Anyway, <:)>
Do not wait; the time will never be "just right." Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along. George Herbert

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S-J
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by S-J » 19 Nov 2008 21:57

Thanks MG, that was a really moving post.

I also like what you said about booze not caring who it sticks too. I have asked myself time and time again, why me? There is no history of alcoholism in my family, I didn't suffer childhood abuse, my brother is perfectly 'well adjusted' (whatever the hell that means.) Yes, a few shit things have happened to me along the way - but the worst thing happened to me when I was in a blackout, it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been drunk.

I'm getting stronger by the day, I visit BE every day and learn something new every day. I'm seeing a psychiatrist soon because I want to try and get some answers - for my daughters sake. I want her to be strong, confident and to have bags of self esteem. She's only a baby, but our brain develops in the first two years at a faster rate than at any other time in our lives. I consider this every day - and it scares the shit out of me.

I'm determined that something good will come out of all my problems. And Amber, please don't be so down on yourself. You will meet somebody one day, and you'll be a fantastic Mum, I'm sure. My pregnancy wasn't planned, I always wanted kids but I'd never have deliberately chosen to have a child whilst in the grip of a drink problem. Still, she's given me the much needed kick up the arse to sort out my problems.

Take care everyone,

SJ
"The beauty of life is finding the balance between peace and passion."

Amber
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by Amber » 20 Nov 2008 14:23

Would just like to say thankyou to all who posted in reply to mine, I am feeling pretty rough right now and cannot focus enough to reply individually, but thankyou all for you kindness and sharing your stories. I have been on a litre bottle of vodka a day bender, which has now stopped. I have run out and couldnt even stand up long enough to dress and get more. Truth be known, I dont want anymore. I am so sick of alcohol destroying my life and health. My insides feel as though they have been barbecued, I feel sick, dizzy, fogged up and generally bloody awful. I am posting to remind those who have forgotten how terrible hangovers can be, it really isnt worth it. I am sitting her cross legged on my chair, dishevelled troll hair, in a t shirt and pj bottoms, no make up and unable to enjoy my day in any way. Love to you all xxxx <:)>
The strongest among the weak is the one who doesn't forget his weaknesses.
- Danish Proverb

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Gracie
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by Gracie » 20 Nov 2008 14:42

Hi Amber,

I hope you feel better soon. At least you have now stopped. Don't be hard on yourself, you need to be kind to yourself right now. Stay strong, do something nice like a bath etc. i always feel better after a bath or shower.
I've been where you are, and i know how low it makes you feel, but it will pass. My hair looks like a troll too, and i have no excuses! Lots of hugs and love <:)> <:)>

Love Gracie x

Amber
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by Amber » 20 Nov 2008 14:46

Hi Gracie, thanks for the sweet post. I dont feel up to bathing yet, but will do so in a few hours, when I hope to be feeling a little more human. I hope you are having a nice day xxx <:)>
The strongest among the weak is the one who doesn't forget his weaknesses.
- Danish Proverb

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Lush
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by Lush » 20 Nov 2008 14:50

Image

This is me, first thing on a morning.

Susie
xx
"I love the English language, it has a certain je ne sais qoi".

Amber
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by Amber » 20 Nov 2008 14:54

:lol: Thanks for that Susie, I needed a giggle. I have been reading through the posts and I just wanted to say that I hope the meds that you are starting really help you and that your work issues are resolved very soon xx <:)>
The strongest among the weak is the one who doesn't forget his weaknesses.
- Danish Proverb

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Lush
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by Lush » 20 Nov 2008 14:57

Glad it made you laugh - it really is the best medicine of all!
Take things in your own time, you WILL get where you want to be, and all this horrible stuff will pass <:)>

Susie
xx
"I love the English language, it has a certain je ne sais qoi".

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Kitty
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by Kitty » 20 Nov 2008 15:19

Amber wrote: I am posting to remind those who have forgotten how terrible hangovers can be, it really isnt worth it.
Hi there Amber,
The physical crap from a hangover is easy to quantify. It's horrible, and we have no desire to make ourselves feel so ghastly ever ever again. How fast that can fade though, if it hung around for as long as the depression and self loathing it might even be enough to give us the kick up the bottom to actually stop. It doesn't though does it. The head and the shakes and the sore insides start to calm down and once the emphasis has gone from them we are left hollow. The empty sad feeling calls to be filled and with the hangover gone we start the cycle once again. With each cycle the feelings of depression and self disgust increase and pretty soon we get to a point where we couldn't identify a good or hopeful thing about our lives if it jumped up and bit us.

Sweetie each time you do this to yourself you are making it harder, harder to see through the foggy misery that this is causing you. Where is this all going to end? Where do you want to see it end? I know you can't go on like this and I know you have what it takes to beat it. Please start sooner rather than later, before you make it even harder for yourself than it is now.

much love, Kitty <:)> <:)> <:)> <:)>
"Somebody once said we never know what is enough until we know what's more than enough" Billie Holiday

Amber
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Re: I can't stop.

Post by Amber » 20 Nov 2008 15:35

Hi Kitty, thankyou for your post. You are so right, we forget all too readily the negatives about drinking, although I am certainly feeling every inch of its negative effects right now. I dont want to forget how bad it makes me feel, I dont ever want to pick up a drink again. I am feeling pretty self loathing right now and vulnerable. I feel afraid of where I might end up and afraid of where I have already landed up. I think I should get to a meeting tomorrow and see if I can get a sponsor, I dont think I can do this alone. I dont feel completely alone because of you and others on here and am so grateful for that, I just think I need to step up my game and seriously tackle this head on, I have been mulling over and over so many negative thoughts today and actually started to wonder if I would die and whether I really cared any more if I did. I do care, but I want to live , not struggle in this existence dominated by alcohol. I am feeling so much fear right now and actually thank God that I am sober right now, it sounds strange, but I was actually praying I would feel sober earlier today, yes I can think again and my thoughts are full of fear, but it actually scares me to feel so out of control. I fell over numerous times last night and cant remember snippets of the night. No wonder no one wants to keep me company or be with me, I have totally brought this on myself. I am not a functioning alcoholic, I never really was. Thankyou for your message, thankyou for believing I can stop, xxxxx <:)>
The strongest among the weak is the one who doesn't forget his weaknesses.
- Danish Proverb

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