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The road behind me...

Any tips or advice to prevent a relapse, alternatively any of your stories about your own relapses.
Hope209
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Re: The road behind me...

Post by Hope209 » 07 Jan 2018 18:49

Good luck for the hospital George. Hope all goes well ;)?
Sobriety is the only way to avoid waking up the next day wondering what you did the night before ;)?
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Re: The road behind me...

Post by martha » 07 Jan 2018 19:26

Same from me, George. Keep in touch.
Waiting for bunnies to appear in the fields.

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George
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Re: The road behind me...

Post by George » 07 Jan 2018 19:50

Thanks Hope and Martha. I will stay in touch if they will let me have an internet link. The laptop will be in the bag, after all if I don't have it with me it'll make for a long time spent there (w) (::) (w)
“Now I’m sober and I realize, I didn’t drink to escape the world, I drank to escape myself”
― Phil Volatile, Crushed Black Velvet

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SueDenim
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Re: The road behind me...

Post by SueDenim » 07 Jan 2018 19:53

I hope the hospital stay goes well, George.

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George
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Re: The road behind me...

Post by George » 07 Jan 2018 23:44

Thanks Sue, I'm sure it will. Will save me doing all the cooking and cleaning for a couple of weeks too :D
“Now I’m sober and I realize, I didn’t drink to escape the world, I drank to escape myself”
― Phil Volatile, Crushed Black Velvet

DoneandDone
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Re: The road behind me...

Post by DoneandDone » 08 Jan 2018 14:26

George,
Our time on the BE forum is just now connecting, but your profile pic is an anchor to sobriety as much as anything here. Each time I open a forum thread, there your are. You are one of the old timers here and helped to form the foundation. Wishing all the best outcomes for your stay and looking forward to you joining us back here. D&D
It will always and forever be One Day At A Time

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George
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Re: The road behind me...

Post by George » 08 Jan 2018 17:48

D&D,

That's really kind of you, thanks. I thought I was going to be having a bit of time off for the hospital but discovered that I have 24 hours a day internet access here in the hospital, that means that I'll be able to stick around Bright Eye and get myself ready for going home. Just as well I brought the laptop with me. You, and all the rest around here are my anchor. It's a good place to be with a problem like ours, and it's you and the others that keep it all together. Thanks again for all that you do ;)?
“Now I’m sober and I realize, I didn’t drink to escape the world, I drank to escape myself”
― Phil Volatile, Crushed Black Velvet

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Sandy
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Re: The road behind me...

Post by Sandy » 09 Jan 2018 05:54

Hope all goes well George
Brilliant that you have internet and hopefully you can spend as much time as you need planning ahead while searching the boards for strength and inspiration for your road ahead...there is certainly lots of it about
<:)>

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Sheila
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Re: The road behind me...

Post by Sheila » 09 Jan 2018 19:58

Ditto what Sandy said George <:)>

It’s good to see your old face around the boards again ;)
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I will not drink again no matter what.

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George
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Re: The road behind me...

Post by George » 10 Jan 2018 11:01

Hey Sandy, hey Sheila :\:

It's good to be back and it makes it more and more obvious that I shouldn't have drifted when I did. Might still have had a couple of bob in my back pocket (w) but I doubt that I'm the only one that has gone that way ;) Thankfully, the internet here will set me up for some sensible behaviour in the future - hopefully ()o and some preperation for real life. Hope that you peeps have been good since......

ps It's looking a lot older now, Sheila, I'll stick with the old avatar 8-)
“Now I’m sober and I realize, I didn’t drink to escape the world, I drank to escape myself”
― Phil Volatile, Crushed Black Velvet

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Shadowlad
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Re: The road behind me...

Post by Shadowlad » 22 Apr 2018 12:33

Hello BE friends <:)>

Feeling quite reflective today and there is a deep post coming up, please be warned, lol.

I have been a part of this forum for 4 years now and its been quite a journey. Its been an absolute joy to see other members become well and overcome great challenges. It is so inspiring following the progress of such a diverse and exceptionally caring online community. Real people behind the text, real lives and all with a tough road that has led to BE. Many people who find themselves with an alcohol problem may never admit it or seek help. That is so sad but it does happen. Thankfully we have all had the insight to take that first step onto a journey of wellness. Insight is everything. We are so very lucky.

Somehow i have arrived at a new destination. It is one of clarity, of absolute gratitude and of love. How on earth have i come to love myself now, why now ? I really hope this feeling lasts, but do you know what ? I'm going to hang onto it for dear life.

The road behind me is like watching a slowed down movie. The movie is sometimes uncomfortable to watch. Sometimes it is incredulous, sometimes heartbreaking and other times downright frustrating. If i watch for too long i want to shake the main character. Where is her awareness, her boundaries, self respect and respect for others ? There seems to be two protagonists in this movie. A seemingly respectable woman who keeps fit, goes to work and runs a home and family. She is well liked by most, strives to please, and cares for everybody. My goodness who is this second character ?? How alarming to see such behaviour. She is intoxicated, incapable, obnoxious, hates authority, and is harming herself. I can't watch anymore. She is draining everybody who is trying to quieten her. I want to shake her. Does she not see that the people around her may already be having a bad day ? They may have troubles too ? It is uncomfortable viewing. Then it strikes me that the two characters are indeed one. There is only one protagonist and she has to take ownership of those behaviours. It is part of the road behind and she must accept and forgive herself. She must not blame the alcohol anymore, and should no longer despise herself. That behaviour was hers but is over. Self awareness is a gift it truly is.

This is the road behind me, and it is paved with both good and bad experience, as it is for many of us. How i react to the road now is getting easier. Alcohol is no longer an artificial 'prop'. It is actually quite exciting to have grown, to realise that choice is a free gift. Life is a gift. Yesterday our active, older neighbour said "life is not a rehearsal, this is it !" How true :)

Love and good wishes,

Nicky xxx
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Topcat
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Re: The road behind me...

Post by Topcat » 22 Apr 2018 13:21

What a wonderfully true and brilliantly worded post Nicky (::) ;)?
Shadowlad wrote: The road behind me is like watching a slowed down movie. The movie is sometimes uncomfortable to watch. Sometimes it is incredulous, sometimes heartbreaking and other times downright frustrating. If i watch for too long i want to shake the main character. Where is her awareness, her boundaries, self respect and respect for others ? There seems to be two protagonists in this movie. A seemingly respectable woman who keeps fit, goes to work and runs a home and family. She is well liked by most, strives to please, and cares for everybody. My goodness who is this second character ?? How alarming to see such behaviour. She is intoxicated, incapable, obnoxious, hates authority, and is harming herself. I can't watch anymore. She is draining everybody who is trying to quieten her. I want to shake her. Does she not see that the people around her may already be having a bad day ? They may have troubles too ? It is uncomfortable viewing. Then it strikes me that the two characters are indeed one. There is only one protagonist and she has to take ownership of those behaviours. It is part of the road behind and she must accept and forgive herself. She must not blame the alcohol anymore, and should no longer despise herself. That behaviour was hers but is over. Self awareness is a gift it truly is.


So uncomfortable isn't it? To realise that we are one and the same, but so different. My dear mum once said that she loved me dearly, but when I drank she didn't actually like me at all. Truth be told, I didn't like me when I drank either. In fact I loathed myself so much that, rather than tackle the cause, I administered more of the same "medicine" and round and round in the revolving door of misery I went.

Looking back on myself was the main reason I carried on drinking (it was a lot easier than facing the truth). No wonder then that quitting is such an emotional roller coaster. Breaking free can be hell at times. Facing up to our reasons why we drank in the first place and growing up at last is no easy task, but it has to be done. We cannot move forward until be have dealt with the issues holding us back.
Shadowlad wrote:This is the road behind me, and it is paved with both good and bad experience, as it is for many of us. How i react to the road now is getting easier. Alcohol is no longer an artificial 'prop'. It is actually quite exciting to have grown, to realise that choice is a free gift. Life is a gift. Yesterday our active, older neighbour said "life is not a rehearsal, this is it !" How true
How true indeed Nicky ;)? This life is too precious to waste. TCxx
#5 on the 2020 Challenge
Today is our most precious possession.

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Tai
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Re: The road behind me...

Post by Tai » 22 Apr 2018 17:18

Loved reading this Nicky and so much of it resonated with me. When I look back I see a very different person to the woman I am today and yet ... well I was that woman ... and I did do those things that even now fill me with shame. It’s difficult to own those things and yet in order to fully become the people we were meant to be don’t we also have to fully accept those actions and experiences that make us the people we are today? And yes forgive ourselves too however unjust it may feel to do so. I am wary of letting myself off the hook but at the same time I know only too well how hung up I can be over actions long forgotten by others that still haunt me despite my best efforts to let them go and move on.

Practising gratitude and self awareness alongside compassion seems to be the right balance and that is what I see in your post by the bucketload. I hope you always hang on to the knowledge that your life today is what defines you rather than the past which is ... well, past.

I love what TC said about growing up at last. In early sobriety and actually for a few years afterwards that is exactly how it felt ... like I was finally growing up. No easy thing to achieve having managed to make such a mess of life for nearly 50 years! Thank goodness it isn’t still like that today. I may never be fully grown up (not sure what that is in fact) but at least I own my life now.

Anyway, good to read your thoughts Nicky and I hope this positive gratitude and self love that you have discovered carries on and on and on. <:)>
A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than much knowledge that is idle.
Khalil Gibran

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Shadowlad
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Re: The road behind me...

Post by Shadowlad » 23 Apr 2018 22:03

Topcat wrote:Facing up to our reasons why we drank in the first place and growing up at last is no easy task, but it has to be done.
So true TC <:)> Its only now that i realise that all those years of putting things off, drinking to escape, was just prolonging growing up and taking responsibility. I had this false perception that i was responsible. It was other people that drove me to drink :roll: Taking ownership of my own part in things is actually quite freeing.
Tai wrote:And yes forgive ourselves too however unjust it may feel to do so. I am wary of letting myself off the hook but at the same time I know only too well how hung up I can be over actions long forgotten by others that still haunt me despite my best efforts to let them go and move on.
I understand what you mean about letting yourself 'off the hook'. I felt the same for a long time, almost as if i needed to punish myself for the shameful things i have done, both in drink and whilst sober. Also i feared if i forgave myself then i might allow the same behaviour to happen again, and drink. The thing is, like you say Jos, we are different women to what we were then. In good ways it has shaped us, we can now face up and express ourselves in healthier ways. We have compassion and understanding for others, because of the road behind us. And we can own our own lives as you say, so empowering and freeing.

Its always good to read both your thoughts too TC and Jos, thank you and big hugs to you both <:)> <:)>

xxx
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

DoneandDone
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Re: The road behind me...

Post by DoneandDone » 24 Apr 2018 15:48

Somehow i have arrived at a new destination. It is one of clarity, of absolute gratitude and of love. How on earth have i come to love myself now, why now ? I really hope this feeling lasts, but do you know what ? I'm going to hang onto it for dear life.
Just catching up. There is so much to discover on all the threads.

Shadowlad your entire reflection and TC and Tai your responses are golden observations for me. I could not face so many things before and now I have all these examples of folks peering into the mirror of themselves. Haven’t quite figured out how to clip parts of multiple quotes yet, but all of this can be mined for treasure.

Had a song come up on the inner jukebox yesterday inspired by the fine thoughts I get from reading BE. I never thought I would arrive at self acceptance warts and all. Now I have a touch of it and it’s making life actually workable, even enjoyable.
BD23F392-D428-44F7-AFF1-018D5E1F6FE7.jpeg
Joni Mitchell
BD23F392-D428-44F7-AFF1-018D5E1F6FE7.jpeg (20.54 KiB) Viewed 1177 times
Both Sides Now

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's cloud's illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and ferries wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud,
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends they're acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all


Click here to play
https://vimeo.com/13464657

Thank you everybody.
It will always and forever be One Day At A Time

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Shadowlad
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Re: The road behind me...

Post by Shadowlad » 24 Apr 2018 23:47

Hi D&D <:)>

Its always good to read your thoughts too. Its not easy looking at some parts of the road behind but its been and gone now and as Tai/Jos says, it doesn't define us. Its the here and now that really matters to me, doing the best i can for myself and others. Thank you for your song :) xx
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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