Do we really have to tell other people?!

Any tips or advice to prevent a relapse, alternatively any of your stories about your own relapses.
User avatar
lima2
Posts: 1159
Joined: 11 Jun 2013 13:47
Last Drink Date: 01 Jan 2017
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by lima2 »

I tell people, I have to really, its impossible to hide, especially people Ive known for any length of time. I just dont make a big deal out of it. I just say I cant drink sensibly so I dont drink at all. Most people accept it, they know I used to drink a lot and its obvious its a problem for me, Id be kidding myself if people hadnt seen the change in me since I quit.
Its great you feel that telling your father helps you agnes. I would argue that quitting is a solitary thing though. Its only you that puts that glass in your hand and only you that feels the compulsion to do it. That realisation that it was me doing this to myself and nothing else was responsible was the biggest single step to me stopping. It stopped me making excuses and consequently I stopped drinking.
I only told people once Id quit after a year though, it was just added pressure to tell people sooner.
Bottom line is its whatever works for you, as long as you stop drinking it dosnt matter how you did it.

User avatar
faith2be
Posts: 3648
Joined: 25 Feb 2011 10:06
Last Drink Date: 06 Nov 2018
Location: north
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by faith2be »

Hi Lima,
That was a very insightful post, thank you.
That realisation that only "me" is behaving self-destructively (whatever the underlying cause) and only "me" can stop and only "me" can take that responsibility has been pivotal for me too.
Realising that I'm letting external issues destroy my life (and at the same time causing giving my significant other cause to get angry with me, alternately shout at me or cold-shoulder me and explicitly humiliate me for not being able to control my intake). It was in the end these daily humiliations that caused me to now to stop drinking totally. I never want to be so publicly shamed as last sunday morning.
OH thinks he's done me a favour, and that these increasingly tough tactics are the way to go, but all he has succeeded in doing is making me wish he wasn't coming back next week, or ever in fact.
I hope I feel more charitable soon...

But anyway, Lima, I fully agree with your strategy of being self-responsible, if that's an ok way of putting it.
faith xx
Definition of recovery:
1) "a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength"
2) "the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost"

User avatar
faith2be
Posts: 3648
Joined: 25 Feb 2011 10:06
Last Drink Date: 06 Nov 2018
Location: north
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by faith2be »

Thank you Agnes, I am becoming aware (partly through the support of BE friends) that my OH is an insensitive oaf, to put it politely.
I am glad you are able to be open with your parents, and that you seem to have a good relationship with your father.
From your posts ofer the years, I think your work situation resembles mine sometimes, and it's a drinking trigger alright.
Well done for not drinking tonight.
I have completed 9 days now, the longest stretch since last spring, and I'm set to continue. I am addressing the issues that make me drink in the first place, and this makes all the difference. I wish the same for you.
Sending you strength <:)>
Definition of recovery:
1) "a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength"
2) "the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost"

User avatar
lima2
Posts: 1159
Joined: 11 Jun 2013 13:47
Last Drink Date: 01 Jan 2017
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by lima2 »

The tactics employed by your husband wouldnt have worked with me. Quite the opposite actually, I would have just become more covert in my drinking. 9 days is amazing faith (::) I've watched you struggle ever since I came on this forum. I know how tough you find it. The bottom line is although it does effect everyone around you, alcoholics are selfish, its the nature of the condition. You have to want to give up for yourself, especially at the start, you can worry about everyone else later on. Part of giving up is getting a control over the self loathing which again is part of the condition. Thats why your husbands tactics wouldnt have worked for me, it would have just increased my low self esteem and that would have lead to drinking. The problem Faith, is people who dont have our problem dont get it. Thats why they act the way they do. They dont get it and dont know how to deal with it. Thats why alcoholism is so lonely and why this place works so well. Keep up the good work, but do it for yourself, sod what everyone else thinks ;)?
Agnes, huge well done on staying sober (::) Like I said, if your current tactics are working then brilliant. I really like what you said here :
Quitting is a solitary thing to do. But it shouldn't be a *lonely* thing.
I really like that and you obviously do understand what going sober involves and have developed a technique that is working for you ;)? ;)?
Keep up the good work guys \:)/ \:)/

User avatar
Maddie
Posts: 1584
Joined: 20 Sep 2010 19:12
First Sober Date: 16 May 2020
Location: Sunny Lancashire
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by Maddie »

lima2 wrote:
Quitting is a solitary thing to do. But it shouldn't be a *lonely* thing.
I like this :) I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to have to tell my OH that I don't want to drink anymore, but I don't particularly want to tell other friends or family members simply because I don't want labelling an alcoholic. OH is at work at the moment and what I'd really like to do is pour all the wine away and all the other stuff that's left over from Christmas, but I haven't told OH yet. Hmm what do I do?? He's really good, as he'll only ever have 1 drink and that's it, whereas I open a bottle of wine and I have to finish it and sometimes start on a second bottle, which has been a more recent thing.

Any thoughts?

Maddie X
“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

Marilyn Monroe

User avatar
SueDenim
Posts: 1005
Joined: 01 Apr 2017 16:33
Last Drink Date: 28 Aug 2017
First Sober Date: 29 Aug 2017
Location: UK
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by SueDenim »

Maddie wrote:Any thoughts?
I suppose it comes down to the personalities involved. If your husband is likely to be supportive, it might help to tell him, if only so that he doesn't keep offering you alcohol or get offended if you don't want to go out for a drink/share a bottle of wine. If you think he might be dismissive or obstructive in any way, maybe keep him out of the loop until you feel more confident about your sobriety.

I told mine; but I left it late to stop, and needed outpatient hospital visits, which it would have been very difficult to do in secret. He has been lovely, and encouraged me to get help in the first place. Otherwise, only my best friend knows the full story. She has had problems with alcohol in the past, and understands without judging. Other friends know that I am not drinking, but I just say that I am struggling with sleeping (true), and/or not feeling great (understatement), so am on a health kick, and this has been enough. In the nicest possible way, nobody really cares, TBH. It's only those of use with 'issues' around alcohol who obsess about it.

Something that does conflict me a bit is what to tell my children. They are adults now, and lived through my drinking as teenagers. They were both here at Christmas, and I went down the 'getting on top of health issues' route with them. I don't want to worry them with the truth, and feel very strongly that my medical situation is between me and my doctors. I am also embarrassed and ashamed that I have let things go this far, and struggle with that. On the other hand, in a worst case scenario, they will need to be told, and may then be resentful that I kept things from them. They are bound to have enough resentments as it is, and I don't want to make more, as I love them so much it hurts, and whilst I know I can't turn the clock back, I want to get everything right from now on.

Only you know your husband and family, but remember that it doesn't all have to come out at once - you can stagger telling people (if you can be sure they won't gossip to one another about you) and tell each individual as and when you are at the stage in your journey to feel comfortable doing so.

User avatar
Maddie
Posts: 1584
Joined: 20 Sep 2010 19:12
First Sober Date: 16 May 2020
Location: Sunny Lancashire
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by Maddie »

Thank you for your reply SueDenim, you've given me some things to think about. I feel I should tell my partner, at least to explain that I want to quit drinking. I'm so disgusted with myself at the moment. We'd gone out in the afternoon, and I decided what I lovely idea it would be to have a few glasses of wine. So I had 3 wines, and on the way home I asked my partner to stop at the shop as I wanted a bottle of wine. Finished up with 2 bottles of wine because there was a special offer on. :oops: :shock: :roll:
Anyway, I had 2 glasses of wine at home, and the remaining bottle and a half are in the fridge. I'm so ashamed, and I feel I want to tell my partner I have to stop. Maybe I won't tell my close friends just yet, I might just say I'm on a health kick for my wedding in June.

Maddie X
“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

Marilyn Monroe

User avatar
SueDenim
Posts: 1005
Joined: 01 Apr 2017 16:33
Last Drink Date: 28 Aug 2017
First Sober Date: 29 Aug 2017
Location: UK
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by SueDenim »

A wedding is the perfect excuse (congratulations, by the way 8-) ). You can use weight gain, wanting to be healthy, looking good for the photos, all sorts of things if people press you to drink.

As I say, though, the chances are that they won't, unless they have alcohol problems of their own, and want a co-drinker to make them feel more 'normal'.

User avatar
zelda
Posts: 2106
Joined: 21 Feb 2011 11:12
Last Drink Date: 29 Mar 2019
First Sober Date: 30 Mar 2019
Location: France
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by zelda »

This discussion really interests me because to "tell" is a biggie.
My ex became an alcoholic when i was with him. Different work shifts wore him down, and in the last five years he was drinking, taking tons of tranqs and tons of sleepers. He had no idea what he was doing when he was drunk, and was in that state frequently. We agreed that I had a "problem" too, and so I joined here, and managed four months twice, but my not drinking was too awful for him... I had it thrown in my face a million times... that I couldn't judge him or his behaviour as I was as bad and would be again. Which I never was by the way...

Now, I am with a man who drinks socially, and drinks to relax... but I have never ever seen out of his head (correction: once... when I took him to England to and English wedding... :? ), and so I just don't want to make my drinking into a problem for US.
He has seen me binge. He has seen me totally out of it. But he has NEVER brought it up again once it was over. Once he said he was ashamed of me... Once. and then he has never mentioned it again.
At this moment, I have told him that as in England so many folks are doing dry January, and because he knows I am a 'take it to the limit type', I have told him that I have joined a 100 day no drinking challenge. I have not told him about this site. His wife was an alcoholic like my ex... I love him and don't want to scare the pants off him.
I think those around us are not stupid. They "know" what's going on. I do not feel like an alcoholic but I know I am addicted to wine. If that sounds bizarre, it is because I can have and do have other bottles all the time in the house that I will never touch... it is wine and champagne that will attract me like a magnet. I have never drunk to feel better after a night drinking. In fact I cannot drink the day after being hammered. So, if we know we have a problem, a potentially, socially big problem, do we have to tell and let everyone judge us, which unfortunately most people would. I prefer to try to manage it myself, saying that yes I drink too much so I have to get myself in order... but no more. I don't want a big label which will NEVER go away attached to me.
Maddie, In your place I would go for the gentle approach.. that you are trying to not drink at the moment to your partner. No one else needs to know, unless you are stealing alcohol from their homes if you visit them etc...
What I am trying to say in a very awkward way is to not impose extra pressure on yourself... don't create any situation which could upset you, and indeed lead you back to having a drink because you believe you are a hopeless case... be aware however, that THIS scenario is possible as a subconscious means of letting yourself have another drink!!! Our addiction is a wicked and clever part of our brain.
Im prattling on.
sorry
Zed
Zelda: "Oh blimey, I could kill a glass of wine".....
Glass of Wine "Oh blimey , I could kill Zelda".....

User avatar
Maddie
Posts: 1584
Joined: 20 Sep 2010 19:12
First Sober Date: 16 May 2020
Location: Sunny Lancashire
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by Maddie »

What you say is interesting Zelda. I've lots of different bottles in, none that I'll touch because they aren't wine, and wine is my tipple. However I don't feel uncomfortable around the many bottles hanging around the kitchen. I think you're right about not putting too much pressure on myself to tell people, just keep it between myself and my partner. For now I can get away with saying I'm not drinking because I want to look well and feel healthy for my upcoming wedding. I do think I need to change my routine, particularly at weekends and avoid the triggers that would lead me to drink. This coming weekend I've a couple of social events planned, but I've already decided to be the designated driver, so that solves that dilemma. I think logging on here of an evening helps as well, knowing there are plenty of people I can talk to who understand.

Maddie x
“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

Marilyn Monroe

User avatar
zelda
Posts: 2106
Joined: 21 Feb 2011 11:12
Last Drink Date: 29 Mar 2019
First Sober Date: 30 Mar 2019
Location: France
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by zelda »

Good Idea Maddie. Isn't it sad that when we have been known to drink, and we go out with other drinkers, we have to find excuses to NOT drink!! I have friends (not many) who have always been known to not really drink and no one pushes THEM to drink? I mean what's that all about? It seems that "drinkers" need partners in crime to feel comfortable.
Have to run, back to work
Zed x
Zelda: "Oh blimey, I could kill a glass of wine".....
Glass of Wine "Oh blimey , I could kill Zelda".....

User avatar
Kokoda
Posts: 808
Joined: 11 Feb 2011 11:27
First Sober Date: 29 Jun 2020
Location: Australia
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by Kokoda »

I have recently relapsed, I haven't been on the forum for years, but recently I have been drinking a lot. Tonight I passed out and my partner was really worried because I didn't reply to his messages. He knows about my past and I am supposed to let him know if I feel like drinking. Recently that hasn't been the case. Now I feel very guilty. I'm not sure how to deal with my relapse.
We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world.

http://www.buddhist-temples.com/buddhism-facts/buddhist-quote.html

DoneandDone
Posts: 1148
Joined: 03 Mar 2016 21:19
First Sober Date: 24 Oct 2017
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by DoneandDone »

Hi Kokoda,

You know the steps that got you free last time. Many of us here live in fear of what you have just experienced. Sharing your thoughts about how this came about will help others a lot I am thinking and perhaps be a chance for you to understand it too.

Come on over to the any of the active threads you will get lots of support. Whatever you do, don’t feel overly down about it. Just a tiny bit is allowed. Then get started again on the road. It’s great you logged in. Very good sign.

Big hug. D&D

Is that Amelia Earhart in your avi?
It will always and forever be One Day At A Time

User avatar
Kokoda
Posts: 808
Joined: 11 Feb 2011 11:27
First Sober Date: 29 Jun 2020
Location: Australia
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by Kokoda »

Thank you D&D,

I will do that. So glad that Bright Eye is still here.

Yes, I love Amelia Earhart, she was someone who truly took hold of life with both hands :-)
We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world.

http://www.buddhist-temples.com/buddhism-facts/buddhist-quote.html

User avatar
Mark.
Posts: 23801
Joined: 15 Jun 2010 11:58
Location: Uri Geller's barbecue
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by Mark. »

Hi Kokoda - I remember your avatar!

Sorry to hear you've been having problems. I think the very first thing to advise is: be honest with yourself.

You've made a good start by being honest here. That's a really good start - to admit that things haven't been going well, but you want to do something about it.

But also be honest about the level of help/support you might need to turn things around. Posting and interacting here can sometimes be all some people need. By and large, that's what I've found. But if you feel you might need additional support - be it professional medical guidance, or counselling (such as offered on the main Bright Eye site) or from related organisations - then go for it ;)?

As for dealing with your relapse and/or discussing it with your partner, that's a tricky one for anybody other than yourself to decide. I think (from personal experience) that honesty - and early honesty - is hugely valuable, although it can also, obviously, be a hugely worrying/stressful/embarrassing issue to raise.

If you can deal with the relapse quickly enough that you feel you don't need to tell him, fine.

Possibly, though, if you feel that dealing with the relapse alone is beyond you, you might be better to try to talk it over with him soon.

I suppose, to be truthful, I would be tempted to take a few, quick, "provable" steps towards recovery before discussing the issue with my partner. I suppose for the sake of my pride, I would prefer to be able to accompany the admission that I was struggling with some "proof" that I was already trying to do something about it, to lessen the blow - for her and for me. Again, though, I would have to be incredibly honest about this approach with myself if it were to work. Knowing my own personality, it's possible too that I could end up thinking, "I won't tell her just yet - I'll wait until I've done something about it." But waiting until "I've done something about it" might (for me) turn into a delaying tactic: not doing anything about it for so long as she doesn't find out.

But that is very much me, and my possible reaction to the situation.

I have no idea how your own partner will react. However, I do suspect that he would much rather you were sober, healthy and happy than making yourself miserable with drink and (for whatever reason) unable to be honest with him about it.

Again, I can't say how your own partner would react, but I sincerely hope that he would want to be told so that together you can work towards improving the situation.

In the meantime, keep reading and posting here. I'm sure others will have better advice than I have.

Very best wishes <:)>
Mark

EDIT: Great reply, DoneandDone ;)? \:)/
"There is no 'us' and 'them'; it's an illusion. We are all human beings, and we all have a responsibilty to support one another." Roger Waters

User avatar
Kokoda
Posts: 808
Joined: 11 Feb 2011 11:27
First Sober Date: 29 Jun 2020
Location: Australia
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by Kokoda »

Thank you Mark, I appreciate your reply. Gosh you have a good memory, lol I have messaged him, not something he will want to wake up to in the morning, but I would feel better if he knew that was the reason I wasn't replying to him.

To be honest, I don't really know what has triggered my relapse. I just know that this is a safe place for me to start my recovery again.
We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world.

http://www.buddhist-temples.com/buddhism-facts/buddhist-quote.html

User avatar
Mark.
Posts: 23801
Joined: 15 Jun 2010 11:58
Location: Uri Geller's barbecue
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by Mark. »

Kokoda wrote:To be honest, I don't really know what has triggered my relapse. I just know that this is a safe place for me to start my recovery again.
I think a lot of people struggle at first to work out what has triggered a relapse, Kokoda, but talking about it definitely helps so I hope that you find that posting here is really useful ;)?
"There is no 'us' and 'them'; it's an illusion. We are all human beings, and we all have a responsibilty to support one another." Roger Waters

User avatar
Kokoda
Posts: 808
Joined: 11 Feb 2011 11:27
First Sober Date: 29 Jun 2020
Location: Australia
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by Kokoda »

Thank you again Mark :-)

I will haunt the forums again tomorrow night to stave off the feelings. It was like that the first time, almost minute by minute trying not to drink. I just hope he won't be too upset when he reads my message tomorrow.

Night for now.
We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world.

http://www.buddhist-temples.com/buddhism-facts/buddhist-quote.html

User avatar
Mark.
Posts: 23801
Joined: 15 Jun 2010 11:58
Location: Uri Geller's barbecue
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by Mark. »

I hope it all goes well, Kokoda. Let us know tomorrow how you get on. Night!
"There is no 'us' and 'them'; it's an illusion. We are all human beings, and we all have a responsibilty to support one another." Roger Waters

User avatar
Kokoda
Posts: 808
Joined: 11 Feb 2011 11:27
First Sober Date: 29 Jun 2020
Location: Australia
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by Kokoda »

It was awkward this morning, I had a lot of guilt, I've had a few occasions since probably Christmas when I have been seriously drunk and he didn't know. So we went through some of those sand he wanted to know exactly how bad it can be. He asked me if he could help. I told him that nobody could help, it is up to me. He still said that I could talk to him about it.

I'm going to head over to some of the other threads later. It seems that I need to practice abstinence, admittedly it's taken me a few years to get back here and it's not as bad as it was, but I know where I'm going to end up again if I don't stop right now.

Thanks for your support :-)
We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world.

http://www.buddhist-temples.com/buddhism-facts/buddhist-quote.html

Post Reply