The To Do List

Specific emotional or mental health problems, like anxiety, depression, insomnia, confidence etc. Along with bodily health, exercise, nutrition.
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DannyD
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Re: The To Do List

Post by DannyD »

Morning everyone.

I hope your mother continues to improve Rachel. It must be very difficult living so far away. It's certainly made me look at where I live, and I'm contemplating moving closer to my big daughter, so she doesn't have these same problems of distance.

Pickles I love my dog, but I'm a very bad owner. He loves his walks, but I don't take him out every day.

To do
Coffee out at 10.30. You might notice that I'm missing this. Really groggy after a poor night.
First meet of a writing group. Slightly trepidatious about this, but I mean to get to the venue early, in order to buy a new pen and jotter.

Hope you are all well
be selfish in your sobriety.

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Rachel
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Re: The To Do List

Post by Rachel »

You know I think the happy medium would be to live not so far away but not to live too close. 60-90 minutes' drive away? If my mother were in the same (but smaller) town I would have felt obliged to go to the hospital every day, and, when she is not ill, visit her at least once a week if not more. This might be nice for her, but I would not have much time or energy - emotional or physical - left over for much else if I had to do this - even without also doing a full time job. When you are that closely involved it is never restricted to the hours you visit, or the hours you spend doing shopping, arranging things on the phone, thinking about solutions to problems, dashing over to sort out minor emergencies etc. There is no switching off. Sometimes, even at a distance, my mother is a part time job. 3-4 hours on the phone (not including the time on the phone to her) which would be necessary even if I lived closer, plus a lot of time spent problem solving, thinking about her and ways to make her life better... I don't get a break from any of this even when I am abroad on holiday. Don't get me wrong. I don't resent this. But it's tiring and stressful. i'm not sure i could cope if the dials were notched up a few levels. And I do get to switch off, at least. It doesn't punctuate my life in the way it would if I had to be physically there very regularly.

Ha sometimes she will ring me in the day just to tell me she has diarrhea or can't find her stamps or has lost a jumper. I would definitely be required to go over and sort that out somehow if I lived closed by, in spite of having carers, and I suspect there would be something like that every day. There's a not a lot you can't do remotely, apart from, of course, visiting.
The no.1 useful thing if I were closer would be able to take deliveries for her... And assess her food situation on a regular basis. The only reason her carers can't do this well is because there are so many of them.

My grandma was moved to live near my parents for the last 5 years or so of her life and it really ruined my mother's life for the duration... and for at least three years after. The same with my mother's lovely neighbour and her daughter who moved in next door. The daughter is still bitter 4.5 years on. They didn't get on, I suppose, in both instances. There's the rub. But even if you do get on, it's still a lot to take on. Another friend had been looking after his 101 year old mother with dementia, going to her home almost daily for the last few years (she also had a live in carer) It totally dominated his life in a very bad way until she died last year. He still has stress-related nightmares.

If you move close to one daughter rather than the other, Danny, she will probably end up doing most of the caring when caring is required? There is also a danger she will end up doing the caring instead of a professional, especially if local authority funding for such things is cut further. It is, in short, a serious undertaking.

All of this said, if my mother has to go into a home, I will try to get her transferred to one closer to me. But if she were in a home I would not have to take care of as much stuff. It should mainly be just visiting... :? (A friend of mine visits her mother in a home three times a week, a couple of hours a visit, and they don't get on that well...)

I am both grateful and terrified that I don't gave children in this regard!

Anyway (after all that!) my mother does seem to be improving. They are even talking about getting her assessed to go home (or not) maybe later this week. It's astonishing to think that we all thought she was going to die this time last week. She iseems to be incredibly resilient. Although I don't want to jinx anything...
I am tentatively looking forward to talking to her. (We will go up if she is still in hospital this weekend. If she goes home, I will probably wait a week unless she really wants me to go. Having visitors exhausts her even when she is not ill, and she will still have a lot of recuperating to do.) I have very much missed her. I don't know where she is at mentally. The nurses can't really tell me as they have quite low expectations for elderly people and don't know what she is like normally.

So today... I was given a new project, so did some work on that, on top of a long meeting. Also had a writing meeting, and went to the supermarket. (Not in that order!) I should have got out in the garden as it was such a lovely day. I am still getting over my cold though... (And not enough time really.) I did feed the birds and check up on my seedlings in the greenhouse. Some of the sweet peas I sowed in the lean-to a week ago have germinated. They will go in the greenhouse in a couple of days. It seems to be at least a degree if not 2 below the lowest forecasted temperature for these parts at night and we have another freezing one coming up - the seedlings have been on some heat so need to get used to being a bit cooler first.

I hope the writing meeting was fun, Danny. These things are always a bit daunting the first time. What did you get up to in it? There are quite a few exercises that always seem to crop up in such things. I'd be curious to know what you did.
Rachel

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DannyD
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Re: The To Do List

Post by DannyD »

Rachel, there's so much to think about in regards to moving. I talk to a friend whose parents lived in Eire (moved from London after retiring). She found that journey really irksome. When I was hospitalised last summer, my daughter dropped everything to visit. I don't want her to feel she has to do that, but I can totally understand the picture you paint, and don't want to be that elderly person either.

Writing. We are using Senses as our 'trigger.' Yesterday we met in a coffee area in the middle of a shopping centre. Our cue was sight, so off we went to write notes for ten minutes, to help us write 5-700 words. I've not done anything like this before, so am slightly daunted. It's creative writing though, so I guess it's fundamentally fiction? Must sit down and scribble something though, as our deadline is 31st Jan. I did buy a (very cheap from paper chase) fountain pen though, so I feel encouraged to write.

Well done on the Sweet Peas. Very encouraging to see new growth.

To do
Coffee morning meet up for a new group. I've decided not to go to that. It's very tight for work, and my energy levels are severely depleted.
Work the afternoon shift. Bus in and out.
Zoom meeting for a volunteer job this evening.
Bed. I'm already looking forward to that, and I've hardly got out of this morning's bed!
be selfish in your sobriety.

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Rachel
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Re: The To Do List

Post by Rachel »

Maybe move a bit closer, Danny? Then neither of you would have to worry so much if/when worry becomes a thing. Sorry if I went on a bit...

Writing field trips can be quite fun. I once had to follow someone (anyone...) for one :o Another, you had to sit down somewhere outside and describe what you saw, then write a similar piece but entirely making it up, but trying to make it as convincingly realistic as possible. The class had to guess which was based on reality, and which was not. I found it hard to stick to reality...

I used to sometimes sit in cafes and just describe things - a way of loosening up 'writing muscles' and just practising writing skills, really, more than a lead into a piece.

Nice stationary is important :) If you have a good, flowy inkpen, I would recommend Japanese writing note books. They have beautifully smooth paper. They are a bit of a treat, of course.

This is my favourite brand: https://www.desertcart.co.uk/products/7 ... KAEALw_wcB

They are often stupidly priced. This is relatively cheap :o

I am emotionally all over the place today. Caused by good/hopeful things mainly (apart from husband having a go at me for blurbing out all that's been happening to our neighbour... who has Covid. I hope the 2m thing works.) I don't like having strong emotions - negative or positive. Never have. I had a mini melt down. A work 'room' social chat, which of course involved discussion about when we will go back into the office, has unnerved me, of course, too. I dreamt dreams of inadequacy (mine) and inferiority this morning and woke up with my heart racing. But basically things are improving, right down to a pair of shoes I ordered coming 4 days earlier than promised.

to do:
work
make a bread and butter pudding with either homemade marmalade or homemade mincemeat. Possibly the latter as I've not tried any of it yet. (Made early December.) The marmalade is last year's and there are quite a lot of jars left.
Rachel

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swordgirl.
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Re: The To Do List

Post by swordgirl. »

Hi Pickles, Danny, Rachel, Luna, Action, Serend
Sorry not posting much, not doing much! It’s good to hear what other folks are doing/thinking about. Work is taking up too much time. Today I’ve managed to Hoover a bit and I’ve assembled a table I bought about 9 days ago. This table is going to help me sort out all my papers in the spare room, she said optimistically. One day I would like to put a bed in there but that is way off in the future. Yesterday I took my returns to the Hermes shop and I have confirmation email about my refund already! This is significantly better than when I buy things, find I don’t want them and then do not return them in time :oops: Tomorrow is car fixing, work and not sure what else, anything else is a bonus.

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DannyD
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Re: The To Do List

Post by DannyD »

Morning peeps. The sun is shining, but it's a cold start to the day. I'm about to drive to work - just the afternoon shift, but plan to do something crafty this evening.

But first to do: feed the cat and dog.

Have a good day y'all
be selfish in your sobriety.

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swordgirl.
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Re: The To Do List

Post by swordgirl. »

Morning Peeps
Hope all to-doers are ok? Danny and Rachel, you’re both very impressive with your writing! I love to read but I don’t think I could ever write anything. Although having said that I keep saying I will journal more. Any excuse to justify my stationery habit :lol:

We are thinking about my mum moving closer to us (she currently lives an hour away) For various reasons it’s been impossible to help her from a distance at times, partly because she’s quite obstructive. It remains to be seen whether she will actually go for it! I do have a sibling in the same town though.

Yesterday managed to tidy up and clean our main living area in the kitchen-diner. Today is going to be bedroom day, it’s much more bearable doing it in the day especially as it’s sunny on this side of the house. Got to finish clearing the hall as well. Lots to freecycle too so would like to try and post some of that. But first I’m going to workout. Will pop back later. Have a good day all.

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DannyD
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Re: The To Do List

Post by DannyD »

Swordie. You are so busy doing all the stuff I think about but never do.

Rushing in and out. I'm working an early matinee shift, then flying to 5pm church (will have to leave work early for this).

To do. Start the day. GO

Have a good one y'all
be selfish in your sobriety.

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swordgirl.
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Re: The To Do List

Post by swordgirl. »

Hi Peeps
Hope your day was good Danny ;)? And all To-Doers ;)?

Well I’m not sure what I’ve been doing all day but things look a bit better. That is partly just because I moved them from one place to another, I think they call it 'churning'. Never mind, immediate living environment is better in hallway and bedroom and it’s all moving in the right direction. Some stuff in the bin too. Did workout, 3 loads of washing, changed bed. Didn’t freecycle, Rome wasn’t built in a day :?

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Luna_
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Re: The To Do List

Post by Luna_ »

Hi all <:)> :\:
Swordie, Danny, Rachel - and Pickles and Serend and other Doers <:)>

Rachel, glad your mother may be leaving the hospital - but I understand the other concerns about housing and visits etc. I am getting worried about what to do about mine when the time comes - we had a scare at the end of last year - but it resolved itself. I am an only child and living in a different country - and not a cheap travel either. Plus her home is so full of hoarded clutter (she likes "making things out of other things - so every possible item is hoarded for a higher purpose) - there literally is no room for me to sit down, far less sleep. I may have got my claustrophobia from somewhere....
Plus - she wants to see me - but only on her terms. Ie. no coming to her flat (it was supposed to be getting emptied so it can be made a bit more habitable/safe for her - it's an accident waiting to happen, either by fire or falling objects). So - I have to rent an Air B&B and wait until she has time in-between all her arty projects to come and visit. Whilst I take a week's unpaid leave to be there. I would love to go and actually contribute a weeks' worth of actual practical work - but now that she feels better, she once more can't bear to part with any of her treasures (like my old school shoes which are still sticking out of the cupboard preventing it from shutting properly - I last wore them in 1984 - but she will not even have them moved. For her - things are all memories and she prefers the memories to the actual people. She says then she can imagine how nice people are - but she dislikes real people (like me) who horror of horrors, sometimes express some sentiment along the lines of pointing out that her flat is uninhabitable and wouldn't it be nice to have a bit of space - like to have at least one chair in the entire 3-bedroomed flat that doesn't need stuff moved off it before she can sit down on it? Or maybe that she can have a visitor that could maybe also sit down? She doesn't want visitors, says she.
Oh my - I must stop rattling on, but this stuff is upsetting.- Then I look at my own loft/garage - and think I must clear out or I will leave my kids in the same situation (but they are sensible people - they'd just order a skip and be done with it all).

Swordie - I am so impressed with your dogges determination to do your life improving. Small inroads in the house, and prioritising some excercise and fitness training. You sound a lot better these days. I know sobriety is anything but a walk in the park - but it sure beats the alternative.

Danny - I hope you got through your work day - and that the 5pm church session was enjoyable. I always think of you the few times when I do go to church and listen to the local organ-player.

Anyway. My to do list right now is simply:
Stop Procrastinating - and go and do those work assignments.

Have a good day, peeps ;)?
I still have Faith, but right now I'm reaching for the moon.

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Rachel
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Re: The To Do List

Post by Rachel »

Morning.

Hmm. My mother was supposed to be going home today. Had a horrible stressful thing organizing a new mattress. She was to be bedbound (so catheter and incontinence pads etc.) but I just had a call to say she has tested positive for Covid. She is not well but not at death's door. (Which is good because there is a DNR order one her.) Will just have to pray it doesn't come to that. So ironic if it does that she has got through all the rest.
Last edited by Rachel on 19 Jan 2022 15:24, edited 1 time in total.
Rachel

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pickles
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Re: The To Do List

Post by pickles »

<:)> Rachel

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Luna_
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Re: The To Do List

Post by Luna_ »

On nooo Rachel. Also sending lots if these <:)> <:)> <:)> <:)>
You are in my thoughts today <:)>
I still have Faith, but right now I'm reaching for the moon.

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Rachel
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Re: The To Do List

Post by Rachel »

Thanks. I don't know what to think tbh. It's a wait and see situation. It's also an instant migraine and, I suspect, insomnia, situation...

Poor thing though. To have gone through all that and then get this.

Clearly masks don't stop you giving Covid to people... She will not have spent a lot of time with anyone either. She was on a side ward on her own. Omicron must be very infectious indeed.
Rachel

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DannyD
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Re: The To Do List

Post by DannyD »

Lots of cyber hugs Rachel. She is in the best place <:)>
be selfish in your sobriety.

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Mark.
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Re: The To Do List

Post by Mark. »

And from me too, Rachel <:)> <:)>
"There was a house we all had in common and it was called the past, even though we'd lived in different rooms."

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swordgirl.
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Re: The To Do List

Post by swordgirl. »

Rachel - such worrying news. You must be so stressed, hope you managed to get a bit of sleep. I will also be thinking of you, sending <:)> <:)> <:)>

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Rachel
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Re: The To Do List

Post by Rachel »

Thank you all.
Rachel

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Luna_
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Re: The To Do List

Post by Luna_ »

<:)> <:)> <:)> Rachel
I still have Faith, but right now I'm reaching for the moon.

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Re: The To Do List

Post by Action »

Rachel, so sorry to see that you have been having such an awful time, your poor mum. Well, my heart goes out to you both. I get the impression that, despite everything, she’s quite a tough old thing who won’t be beaten. I hope that her plans to leave hospital are just temporarily delayed whilst she overcomes Covid. <:)> <:)>

Apologies for being AWOL … will catch up soon. <:)>
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