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Family Matters

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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Luna_
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Luna_ » 05 Jul 2019 19:41

Thank you TC, Trojan, Shadow and SoberBoots <:)>
I lost my post the other day...

The wonders were of course pretty short-lived, and the promised hoovering didn't get done, and nor any of the other things - and I am still running a free hotel with maid service. Just business as usual, unless something happens that puts her in the limelight (don't mean to sound petty, but she IS extremely attention-seeking and demanding. Her father's partner has now moved out to her own place, because she also is fed up of the constant noise (following people around singing, playing ukelele or constantly talking) - and also the constant mess. She says she is happy to have her own peaceful and tidy place!!! I am lending her my big trailer to move out with on sunday (actually, I like her and told her I may come and move in with her (joke!!).

Room service here has, as a consequence of the continued mess and broken promises to DO anything useful, now gone on strike (I just got my spare box of glasses and cups from the garage and acted like I haven't noticed that the cupboard is empty). The restaurant has also stopped announcing its "open" times - if she doesn't come up when she smells cooking smells, well... I'm tired of having to ask 6 times for her to stop ogling YouTube and pleeeaaase come and eat dinner. Hahaha - when I was away shopping, I returned to find about 20 cups and glasses and cruddy plates etc all just piled in the sink, not even put in the dishwasher (because it was full). I simply put them in a box outside her door, complete with a pair of rubber gloves, washing-up liquid and a brush - and a nice big smiley face put on top of it.

I will do the same tomorrow. I'm just finished making lunch - noone turns up. Just as I've cleared up, she tends to wander in, drag everything out of the fridge again, then leave with all the debris still scattered around and crumbs everywhere. Before the "positive catharsis episode", I'd just about made up my mind to tell her dad I can't have her any more - I'll get physically or mentally ill. So in a way it's tragic-comical that his partner right about then moves out due to "noise and mess".

Well - family matters, indeed. I love the fact that I have kids - and her - and I do not want more conflict (it is a HUUUGE drink trigger) so playing the silent consequences game may just help a bit. If not, I'll do like at work where removal of crockery and glasses from the canteen is prohibited (because it all goes walkies then eventually comes back in huge trolley-loads). She can either contribute to the household (or at the very least clear up after herself) - or buy herself paper plates and wooden chopstick (single-use plastic utensils are banned from our house - and actually also will be in our country as of next year - yey).

Trojan (and others), you always said self-care is important. I still hadn't GOT that - I still put everyone else first, workwise and at home. Now I see that if I don't change my ways, another relapse is inevitable. And because each relapse is worse - it goes from OK, yes, thanks, one G&T will be lovely.... to BAM drinking at 7am on a saturday morning and suddenly it's monday again :oops: This is nothing short of dangerous and frightening - so I am really protecting myself from the risk of relapse.

So - "Ohhhmmmmm".... I will NOT allow myself to get fazed and stressed. HALT, indeed.

Big hugs to all of you, especially you, Shadow, because I know you struggle a lot too. TC and SB - wise as ever.
<:)> <:)>

ps my daughter's post on Reddit about my reaction to her news (I put a bunch of flowers with the appropriate flag on the vase on the table when she came upstairs in the morning) got 2.5K upvotes and 75 comments, officially declaring me a cool/great/etc etc mom. I think I will print some of them out and stick them on the fridge, for those times when I'm suddenly Momzilla again :lol: :lol:
I still have Faith, but right now I'm reaching for the moon.

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free flow
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Re: Family Matters

Post by free flow » 08 Jul 2019 21:14

Hi Luna, I am so glad that you are getting yourself together ;)? I remember all the times you have had and have always been amazed at how you continuously bounce back from them all. I am happy to hear that there is some conversation going with your daughter, even though maybe not the greatest, it is at least conversation and a start.

I really respect you and how you have handled it these past few years and hope that things start moving in your direction now.

Have a bunch <:)> <:)> <:)>
The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you really are. - Carl Jung

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Shadowlad
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Shadowlad » 09 Jul 2019 19:07

Hi all, just thought i'd share about a chance meeting i had today with a lady in the supermarket. She used to work at the rehab i was in back in 2007. I really liked her and she was always kind to us all and lovely with our families. She chatted about retiring from her job and asked how my children are. Son was 10 at the time, daughter 16. I hesitated a little then just came out with the words that are so hard to say out loud. That my sweet and loving 10 year boy old grew up and became addicted to drugs, my daughter thankfully not interested in drink or drugs is doing well. I found myself justifying son's upbringing and feeling the reoccurring guilt and shame for how he's turned out. I think the shame was deepened by the memory of the rehab, and this lady knew about that very intimate part of my life. The self loathing was unearthed and must have shown in my face because she said kindly that i should not feel guilt because we have no control or over other people's addictions. She feels there is a hereditary factor or a predisposition to addiction in many cases.

I wonder if she is right, and i do respect her opinion given her many years experience in working with addicts and their families. Either way we can't change what has happened, or 'what is.'

There seems to be many reasons that we abuse drugs or alcohol so not wishing to complicate this age old question over why we get addicted. Everyone is so unique, with their own life story, both past and present. To be honest, i used to use all those common theories as an excuse to carry on drinking (subconsciously). " I drink because it's hereditary and my grandad was an alcoholic ( he died young in a brawl, never met him). " I drink because i'm powerless, i can't help it". " I drink because im too depressed, or too energised and need to relax" I drink because and because and because....

Whatever the reasons, the important thing now is that i haven't drank for years and my son has detoxed and currently free of drugs. If i have passed down addiction to one of my children through genes then that generates mixed feelings. I can't change it. These days i accept all the things i can't change and try and focus on the things i can.

Anyway, sorry if that was deep, but i think its important to be open and honest about the true nature of alcoholism/addiction, and also that this ugly and devastating 'affliction' can be overcome. xx

<:)>
Last edited by Shadowlad on 21 Jul 2019 13:15, edited 1 time in total.
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Trojan
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Trojan » 09 Jul 2019 19:44

Nicky <:)>

As you say, heredity is just one of many predisposing factors involved in addiction, and it’s not generally helpful to focus on this - or any other single factor - when looking for "causes”.

Where heredity is a factor, it is as often as not to do with the “pharmacokinetics” of addiction, that is the role of genetics in determining how the individual metabolises and responds to addictive substances. Because it has at least as much to do with physiology as character traits, people with apparently similar character traits and backgrounds can develop a radically different history with drink or other problem substances. I think this is why so many of us who develop a problem can’t re-establish a "normal" relationship with drink, and only really thrive by abstaining completely.
Shadowlad wrote:
09 Jul 2019 19:07
... Whatever the reasons, the important thing now is that i haven't drank for years and my son has detoxed and currently free of drugs.
...
This is really good to read :) <:)>
Au milieu de l'hiver, j'apprenais enfin qu'il y avait en moi un été invincible.
#28 on the 2019 Challenge

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Shadowlad
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Shadowlad » 10 Jul 2019 15:46

Trojan thank you for your really helpful reply <:)>
Trojan wrote:
09 Jul 2019 19:44
Where heredity is a factor, it is as often as not to do with the “pharmacokinetics” of addiction, that is the role of genetics in determining how the individual metabolises and responds to addictive substances
Years ago i was told that a persons 'chemical makeup' is often a factor in addiction, meaning that the person cannot process alcohol and/or other addictive substances in the same way others can. Is this my correct understanding in what you are saying above ? Its very interesting but like you say its probably not in our best interests to focus too much on this, or searching for other 'causes'. It certainly does explain my experience with substances though, and reaffirms my commitment to abstaining. I used to give myself a headache looking for causes and when that energy finally went into abstaining everything became clearer.
Trojan wrote:
09 Jul 2019 19:44
Shadowlad wrote: ↑09 Jul 2019 19:07
... Whatever the reasons, the important thing now is that i haven't drank for years and my son has detoxed and currently free of drugs.
...
This is really good to read :) <:)>
Thanks Trojan <:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Trojan
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Trojan » 10 Jul 2019 20:02

Hello again :)

Yes, that’s what I meant, though you have put it more succinctly :-D

It seems to be like many other physical/physiological traits - poor absorption of calcium, a tendency to myopia, low levels of serotonin etc. Whether it happens immediately or over time, those of us particularly stimulated by alcohol are likely to develop a problem, especially if we are also prone to anxiety, in which case we quickly recognise and get addicted to the relieving effects. From there it moves on to chasing relief from alcohol withdrawal itself, and so the vicious circle kicks in :?

We only have so much energy, and I agree that this is much better channeled into making better choices, beginning with abstinence :) <:)>
Au milieu de l'hiver, j'apprenais enfin qu'il y avait en moi un été invincible.
#28 on the 2019 Challenge

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Shadowlad
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Shadowlad » 11 Jul 2019 07:25

;)? <:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Luna_
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Luna_ » 15 Jul 2019 12:22

Hi all - and thanks for thoughtful and kind posts to me - and hello Freeflow, nice to see you again <:)>
Shadow - I can't add much to the other wise words, but I know some of what you hav <:)> been though and still have to cope with. I agree though - focusing on what we can change now is the only really productive way forward.
Looking back will never change anything - other than to re-affirm the fact that we can't handle alcohol the way most people seem to do, and hummm, we just have to treat it like diabetes or any other allergy. I (certainly, I) know it isnt that simple, but that analogy helps me - my friend loves chocolate but can't have it - it makes her really ill. So she just goes naaah, it isn't worth it. Chocolate is in our faces all over the place, even more so than booze, it's at checkouts etc.
But chocolate-abstainers don't seem to have this constant inner turmoil - or the extent of fallout. Getting ill from chocolate gives them a bad day - but the ring-waves surrounding an alcohol-relapse are at this stage in addiction, catastrophic. And to boot, we can't call in sick for being unable to go to work due to having caned it in the middle of the night. *shudder*

Yes, there may well be some hereditary factor in the way we process alcohol, like diabetes or such. I have passed on Raynauds to my daughter, and maybe her emotional instability (or was that the influence of my ex, I will never know). But she is soon 15 and shows a total aversion to smoking and drinking. She won't say it outright, but her dad has put her off smoking (he is a very moderate/careful drinker) and most definitely I have put her off drinking (I don't smoke).

Shadow - of it was only genetics, then your daughter would have "had it" too. And some kids tread the wrong path even from abstinent backgrounds. All you can do is help where you can and step back where you can't.
Just sending you loads and loads of these <:)> <:)>

(ps if I could afford rehab, or could have had it on my record, I'd have done it years ago, and I applaud you and all the others who had the strength to submit to that - and make it stick ;)? )
I still have Faith, but right now I'm reaching for the moon.

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Shadowlad
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Shadowlad » 16 Jul 2019 09:50

Lovely to read your posts again Luna ;)? <:)>

I tried responding with a long post last night but had 'brain drain' lol. It wasn't making sense but there is so much i can write about on this family matters thread. Will try again later, but thanks for your posts they are always welcome <:)>

...and thanks for your lovely hugs <:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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