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is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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Naughty little newt
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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by Naughty little newt » 07 Jul 2018 21:28

Anyway I've got to get out of bed before dawns crack, there's metal to be found, sleep tight ;)?
What a noisy place to belong.

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Lush4life
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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by Lush4life » 08 Jul 2018 06:05

Pork wrote:
07 Jul 2018 21:19
:lol2: I think she might be humping in blacked out belingo.
Hope your having fun Lushie ⛳️
We don't go till early hours Thursday porkie , but thank you ;)?
I hope all works out for you too, sometimes sobriety shines a light on problems that we chose to ignore previously just letting the drink help blur it a bit , though i agree with newty we can be all over the place with our feelings even after the first year , wishing you well always you're doing great on so many levels <:)>
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Rose13
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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by Rose13 » 24 Sep 2018 09:54

so down!!!
My partner was in a bad mood all weekend! putting me down and making me feel worthless!
I went out for a 2 hour walk then came home with a bottle of wine , drank it on my own in a different room then went to bed!!!
Not sure why i punish myself for his bad behaviour!! i wish i had someone to talk to :cry:

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Topcat
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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by Topcat » 24 Sep 2018 15:07

Rose13 wrote:
24 Sep 2018 09:54
I went out for a 2 hour walk then came home with a bottle of wine
Sort of thing I used to do too Rose. "I'll show him" were my words usually and then I'd just proceed to show myself up/get smashed.

It never did any good. It just made me feel a heck of a lot worse as it did you <:)>
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faith2be
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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by faith2be » 24 Sep 2018 17:48

Rose13 wrote:
24 Sep 2018 09:54
Not sure why i punish myself for his bad behaviour!! i wish i had someone to talk to :cry:
Oh Rose <:)> Topcat put it well too.
I used to do that too. It makes us feel awful - and then they get to be all righteous and point the finger at alkie us.
It really doesn't do any good, but it somehow became the default.

I hope you have a better day today. It's true what they say, we can't change others but we can change how we react to them.
I lived under terrible psychological stress with my ex. It got worse and worse. And I became a drinker.
I didn't have a drink problem before his abuse. But it's our reputation that gets the brunt of it - and they come out looking like the poor guy having to put up with a drunk.

Rose, I know this is terribly hard and I have struggled for years - but could you turn it around somehow. No matter how unkind your partner is being - to spite him, stay sober. A partner should be a supportive and loving element in your life - not someone who puts you down. If I'd stopped drinking years ago I'd have seen it and ended the relationship once I realised what it was. But I didn't. I drank and then I was the black sheep. If I hadn't turned to drink I may have had more self-confidence to tell the person that he can't treat me like this.

Why does your partner feel the need to put you down? Sorry if I'm being blunt but I wasted 7 years of my life and my sanity on a man who drove me literally into the gutter. Drinking is about the worst thing to do - but going to bed with a book (or BE) instead of the vino might be a better option??
<:)> <:)>
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Rose13
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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by Rose13 » 24 Sep 2018 17:51

thanks TC!!
it really does help to know im not the only one!! it's daft isnt it! does he not realise how cruel he is being. its like verbal bullying!
Im just keeping out of his way till i know what to do :?

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Topcat
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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by Topcat » 24 Sep 2018 18:48

Rose13 wrote:
24 Sep 2018 17:51
it's daft isnt it! does he not realise how cruel he is being. its like verbal bullying!
It is verbal bullying Rose. I don't know your situation, but my ex used to hit out at me (verbally never physically) to take the spotlight away from his own behaviour (he was cheating on me). I stupidly fell into the trap of trying to drown my sorrows in a bottle. It never works.

Hi Faith. Wise words from you <:)>
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faith2be
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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by faith2be » 25 Sep 2018 07:43

Verbal (and non-verbal) bullying can be as destructive as physical violence. I used to wish my OH just hit me and be done with it and I even said so once. I think a "normal" person would be shocked and ask what I meant etc - but he raged at me - how could I be so horrible to him and say such evil things etc etc - always he was the victim.
I got everything from week-long silent treatment - and that was extreme - no acknowledgement of my presence whatsoever, just sat in the spare room looking at alternative living arrangements without even looking at me, even if I stood right by. I tried to touch him on the shoulder but he was just like a plank. He occasionally came to get something to eat but mostly just didn't. I presume he ate when I went to work (he worked placements so weeks off weeks away).
To the rages - absolutely horrifying rages and the most incredible threats - including shooting the dogs or himself or whatever - to "satisfy me". I would be reduced to howls of despair and practically want to rip my own heart out - but if someone happened by, the transformation was incredible. He became all smiles and joviality - and there I was with a tear-streaked face, looking like a deranged maniac. He'd say things on the side and I'd get the side-looks. I became the burden and he became the saint in everyone else's eyes.
BUT - and there is a but - there have since been a few people, not many but some, who have said to me that they found my ex from the beginning a bit cols and calculating, and like he wasn't really "there". He was jovial and capable - brilliant in a lot of fields, but they said there was something a bit creepy about him. The rest remain charmed by him and continue as his fan club.

Rose - and any others - I almost feel very passionately about this stuff now.

Many people on BE drink because of partner issues. And many of those who do are in abusive relationships. We drink so we can handle it - instead we should be empowering ourselves to challenge the person. First we need to make sure we really are not behaving badly - but even if we are - a loving partner will gently tell us, hey, I think you're on the wrong track just now. They won't ignore us, put us down or humiliate us. Partners hug each other when they least deserve it. As well as when they most deserve it.

What I have learned through very hard and bitter experience is that we must at all costs NOT drink. I didn't manage that and it was my downfall - but if you can remain sober then you get the upper hand. You remain calm and you see situations as a rational person, not as someone escaping being put down.

Most relationships begin out of a genuine fondness/love for each other and a desire to make it work. If this is the base, then getting out of the row-drink-escape-pointy finger-more-row-make-up then repeat ad infinitum cycle. I wish I'd done this 6 years ago. I might have saved my relationship with my daughter.

Rose - I know it's hard - but please, please, find an alternative to the wine when your buttons are pressed. It truly will give you a better standpoint. I don't want to sound preachy because I've been there myself, and I wasn't just on wine either :oops:

Keep in touch - and sending you lots of these <:)> <:)>
Definition of recovery:
1) "a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength"
2) "the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost"

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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by Rose13 » 25 Sep 2018 14:12

thank you Faith and TC :\:
I am feeling a little stronger today and am determined to not let this or him beat me. He came home last night with a huge bunch of flowers but i can't help but feel this isnt enough! I am just keeping conversation at the minimum, poliye conversation and will try and keep out of his way a bit untill i feel i have enough strength to deal with the situation.
Faith i really feel for you!! 6 years is a long time to put up with such horrible threats and bad treatment from your OH. I totally get where you are coming from and my OH also comes over as happy go lucky cheeky chappy but is very different indoors but a couple of my friends seen another side and they always slip up in the end!!

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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by SoberBoots » 25 Sep 2018 16:16

Rose13 wrote:
24 Sep 2018 17:51
thanks TC!!
it really does help to know im not the only one!! it's daft isnt it! does he not realise how cruel he is being. its like verbal bullying!
Im just keeping out of his way till i know what to do :?
Rose, my drinking first spun out of control when I was in a dreadful relationship - he wasn't physically violent but extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. I tried to sort it out - wrote to him with a list of what was making me miserable, dragged him to Relate. He was a very disturbed man with a lot of mental health issues and a personality disorder diagnosis, and with the passage of time I've been able to see that this and not me was the source of his behaviour. At the time it was exceptionally painful. I stuck with it far longer than was sane, but eventually I left, knowing that I'd break if I stayed... so please be very focused on yourself and what you need.
I know nothing of your relationship of course, but just as a slightly more positive thought - is he angry with you for your drinking? Because I've seen people who are terrified for their addicted partner, and angry with their addiction, but don't express it properly so it comes out as horrible sniping at the person themselves.
Whatever it is, focus on being sober - it'll increase your self-esteem and resilience no end, and that'll help you whatever your situation. <:)>
The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago. The second best time is today.
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Rose13
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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by Rose13 » 25 Sep 2018 20:48

Thanks Sally,
In answer to your question, yes I think he may be angry with my drinking and maybe worried but expresses this in the wrong way which then makes me more upset and the vicious circle continues. I am determined to beat this and be strong so I can take a step back and look at the relationship more clearly, thank you for posting it really helps

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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by SoberBoots » 25 Sep 2018 21:15

Rose13 wrote:
25 Sep 2018 20:48
Thanks Sally,
In answer to your question, yes I think he may be angry with my drinking and maybe worried but expresses this in the wrong way which then makes me more upset and the vicious circle continues. I am determined to beat this and be strong so I can take a step back and look at the relationship more clearly, thank you for posting it really helps
He might like to contact Al-anon, which offers support to the families and partners of addicts.
The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago. The second best time is today.
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Rose13
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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by Rose13 » 26 Sep 2018 14:02

unfortunately he would not go to this Sal , he thinks i should just drink less :shock: and he is just as bad if not worse with alcohol. I am managing at the moment to stay civil. He made a comment yesterday which normally would have started an argument but i just ignored it.I am not going to let the EAF or him get the better of me!

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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by faith2be » 26 Sep 2018 14:29

Attagirl, Rose ;)?
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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by SoberBoots » 26 Sep 2018 16:51

Well done Rose. So as well as everything else he also doesn't want you to stop because it makes him think about his own drinking. Tough for you, but (::) (::) (::) for your determination.
The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago. The second best time is today.
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Rose13
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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by Rose13 » 26 Sep 2018 17:24

Thanks Sally, yes thats about right. He can stop at 2 or 3 most of the time when in the house but when he goes out with his mates its like freshers night! I tend to not stop at 2 or 3 but usually a whole bottle of wine. Its more the fact i do it when bored, lonely and upset and on my own (quite a few nights a week) :(

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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by Rose13 » 26 Sep 2018 17:25

BUT not anymore!! may i add ;)?

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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by serend » 21 Jan 2019 08:11

faith2be wrote:
25 Sep 2018 07:43


Many people on BE drink because of partner issues. And many of those who do are in abusive relationships. We drink so we can handle it - instead we should be empowering ourselves to challenge the person. First we need to make sure we really are not behaving badly - but even if we are - a loving partner will gently tell us, hey, I think you're on the wrong track just now. They won't ignore us, put us down or humiliate us. Partners hug each other when they least deserve it. As well as when they most deserve it.

What I have learned through very hard and bitter experience is that we must at all costs NOT drink. I didn't manage that and it was my downfall - but if you can remain sober then you get the upper hand. You remain calm and you see situations as a rational person, not as someone escaping being put down.
Faith how are you? Hope things are well. Such wise words here. Hoping I can do this at last , also hoping I don't find it is me thats the main problem :roll: xx
It's not inevitable whether we drink or not...we make the decision


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Re: is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Post by Ruby&Tilly » 17 Aug 2019 00:38

Moise44 wrote:
13 Aug 2019 13:34
Badly.. but not anymore ;)?
Hi Moise, welcome to BE, good for you, you may wish to introduce yourself on the new users thread or one of the challenges, the 7 day thread is popular.

Ruby XX
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
352/12 days - sober/drinking (14 April 2018 - 13 April 2019)

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