When loved ones drink and you don't

[Rachel]

Serend, I am sorry I don't have much salient advice to give you but many

[serend]

Thanks for the replies, it means a lot
I could probably afford to leave and lead a simple life Danny as I went back to work full time during lockdown. And yes the 12 days must have been hard- but it seemed to be easy for him and he seemed almost happy. Thats the longest he's done but just ends in going back to it as soon as something happens.
I sought help from a councillor years ago, when I mentioned the drunken shouting or locking out the house, she said she didn't deal with abuse and referred me to women aid. I didn't really see it as abuse but I spoke to them and they said I could have him removed from the house but it would be all legal and I know would become very nasty. I felt strongly at the time that was not the route to go down, that it was worth staying, he is always saying we must keep the family together, and things became settled in a pattern of parallel lives with him drinking and sleeping a lot. However he's getting worse and last night reminded us all of his mum, who needs full time care, she doesn't even remember she was a drinker. My daughter said she doesn't want that for my future, and neither do I, but I am completely in stalemate, Groundhog Day every day, as soon as he has first drink my heart sinks and brace myself for whatever version of drunkenness the evening will bring. As I write this I realise there is nothing I can do, he has to help himself, Im not his carer or his mother nor do I want to be.

[DannyD]

I might have missed this - are your children still at home? They probably don't want to be his carer either.

Do you want to look back with regret at things that did/did not happen?

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

[Cowboy]

Good advice DD.

Hope it works out for you serend. I believe strongly that we have to make our own way while we are here on this planet. Your OH is not in any way your responsibility. If you are living separate lives anyways it may make sense to take a break from each other and move on. It's a big step as our lovely and talented DD points out but your situation sounds almost unbearable. Especially when you are trying to look after that most important person in your life - you.

I wish you well whatever your plan.

[serend]

Thanks Danny and Cowboy. Appreciate it, its high time to put a stop to this

[Vertical Man]

Wife expressed concerns about my drinking but still wants her old drinking partner back! She has no grasp of what it is like being AF and thank god this place is here.
Drinking is not a tap I can just turn off and on: one glass opens a deluge!
Angry at the moment and so frustrated!

[Vertical Man]

We just had a massive row and we don’t tend to.
Feeling very down and confused: and a bit lost.
This too shall pass.

[pickles]

Hi there VM , I’m sorry you are feeling lost it’s very difficult for our loved ones to understand what we go through ( and what they go through ) when we are trying to stay sober .
Christmas and new year is always a difficult time for me and just last month my OH was ‘boasting’ that he was doing dry January, because he felt he had drunk too much over Christmas.
Well , quite honestly I didn’t know what to say and just said good for him . He had bought these non alcoholic gin drinks and martini, except the martini one is 0.5% and I was uneasy about trying it . I think in a way my OH would like his old drinking buddy back too , and buying these non alcoholic drinks , he’s trying too .
It’s true in the summer I will have a NA lager after cutting the lawn , you know that ‘ I deserve it’ drink ,but something to look forward to , and to work for.

I must say though it’s been a long time since I was clock checking and when 4pm came, or as soon as daughter was home I’d ‘tuck in’ . I don’t miss those days .

I don’t think what I have said has really answered you well , but I just wanted to post to you . We are here for you .

[pickles]

I forgot to say that clunking of ice sound does my ears in these days , or when my daughter is pouring herself a cola ( sugar free) and that fizzy sound … I *hate* it . I find myself saying ‘hey , not too much!’

[Mark.]

I hope your day improved/calmed, Steve

It's a very tricky situation, especially in the early stages of sobriety. I've always been enormously lucky because, unlike your and Pickles' other halves, my wife very rarely drinks alcohol.

I understand what you're saying, though. When I was in my twenties I really began to mess up at work due to drink. I ended up getting into trouble. I told my boss (also my friend and drinking partner) that I was going to quit alcohol. He said: "Mark, I don't think you need to stop drinking. You just need to stop drinking so much."

Like, duh...! If only it were that simple!

His intentions were kind but they were also selfish: he wanted a solid, reliable employee, but he didn't want to lose his drinking buddy. But I knew (as you know) that it was one or the other. I couldn't be both.

With wives and husbands who drink, it's hard to make this adjustment but I hope it can be done. Like you and Pickles say, it is difficult for them to understand why we can't just drink the same amount that they do and stop there.

I find it bizarre now, but drinking alcohol is REALLY important to many people, even if they're not considered (by themselves or others) big drinkers. It almost defines who they are. When we stop drinking, it can call into question an aspect of their existence and make them deeply uncomfortable. Sometimes, it makes them realise how reliant they are on drinking regularly (even if it's only 'small', 'sensible' amounts) and this can upset them.

I have in the past found this with my dad. It's different to dealing with a spouse who drinks, I know, but drinking with my dad was always really important to me. It was how we bonded. It was weird to make the adjustment when I stopped.

I know he found it hard. It bugged me too, but for different reasons: it made me realise how we'd ended up putting the cart before the horse: drinking should only have been what we did to accompany our chatting/socialising/bonding, but instead chatting had become just something we did to fill in the gaps while we were drinking. Alcohol was the main event, especially for me.

It made me realise that what's REALLY important to me is spending time with my dad. Booze is secondary to that. In fact, I don't need booze at all, and I have learned not to be bothered that he is drinking while I'm not. It can be difficult, but it can be done.

So now he has his beer and I have my ginger pop and everything's Kool & The Gang.

But it took us time to get there.

Like I say, I'm lucky because I didn't have to go through this with my wife, so I'm not best placed to give advice. However, I will quote DannyD's signature: Be selfish in your sobriety. Look after you and your needs, for your sake. Your wife may miss her drinking partner now, but you are no good to her dead or as a blubbering mess of useless drunkenness. Making the adjustment is hard, especially in the early stages, but I'm sure she will, in time, come to fully appreciate the long-term benefits of having the real Steve back, happy, fit and sober.

I really hope you both have a better day today, mate

[Vertical Man]

Thank you pickles.
Got through a horrible day without drinking: which is something I suppose.

[Mark.]

Thank you pickles.
Got through a horrible day without drinking: which is something I suppose.

Just crossing posts, Steve, sorry. Well done for staying sober

[Vertical Man]

Thank you Mark and your first post is incredible
Just what I needed to read

[Jake.]

I hope you’re feeling better today Steve

[Vertical Man]

Thank you Jake.
Think I’ll play The Beatles great song ‘Getting Better’ later

[tog]

One of my favourite Beatles tracks, Steve! Glad that you're "Getting Better".

Fantastic post, Mark.

[Jan135]

I forgot to say that clunking of ice sound does my ears in these days , or when my daughter is pouring herself a cola ( sugar free) and that fizzy sound … I *hate* it . I find myself saying ‘hey , not too much!’

My thoughts are with you, mate. Hang in there!