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Staying Single

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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Cheryl
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Staying Single

Post by Cheryl » 03 Feb 2008 18:06

Reading many of your past postings,It appears that many of you are either single parents or living alone (myself included) or in difficult relationships...
My question is - Is it because of the drinking? I have been widowed now for nearly three years,my hubby was a lovely man when sober but the 'devil' himself when drinking (an alcoholic in denial) he was violent and very nasty...I have had the chance to meet other guys recently but have always got cold feet at the last minute fearing my drink problem will not be understood or tolerated and my self esteem is very low....I am currently not drinking and hope to continue this way but I do relapse on occassions and just wonder what anybody else thinks.....is it safer to stay single and lonely?....(Im in my 'young' fifties)
Last edited by Bela on 26 Dec 2009 17:18, edited 1 time in total.

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MDS1
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Re: Staying single?

Post by MDS1 » 03 Feb 2008 18:24

Hiya Cheryl,

I am a lone male of 44, I have been alone for a good while, nearly five years actually.
I think being alone stinks.

However, I don't expect anyone to put up with the kind of habits I have.I break hearts unintentionally, because I am mostly drunk.

Cheryl, get yourself out there, you have loads to offer,try not to get cold feet- that's the easy way out. At our time of life, we know what we want and we don't suffer fools gladly :) but life (in my view) is meant to be shared. Good luck!
Marcus Duane Stokes with the IQ of One

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Cheryl
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Re: Staying single?

Post by Cheryl » 03 Feb 2008 18:56

Thankyou for your thoughts MDS1.....How are you today?....Would love to hear other opinions from like minded folk....

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Tessa
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Re: Staying single?

Post by Tessa » 04 Feb 2008 11:00

Hi Cheryl
i am sort of single, lived 6 years with a guy and we broke up, mutual, but never really broke up, thats the hard/complicated part. It had nothing to do with my drinking, I dont drink the quantities i do when he is around as i do when alone. That is part of the reason why i drink, i hate to be alone, its the pits. When we are together i will have maybe 3 glasses of wine, and stop at that, and I dont even do it every time he is here, sometimes i just dont feel like it. He doesnt think i have a drinking problem, i talk openly with him about it. He doesnt belittle the fact that i feel like i have a problem, but he just seriously doesnt think its anything to really worry about. He does appreciate the fact that I feel I have a problem for myself, and whether anyone else does or doesnt is irrelevant, its how i feel that matters. He knows when I have had a bit too much wine, but never judges me.

I know that I would be a very different person as far as drinking goes if i were to be in a healthy steady relationship. But I am not. I dont believe that staying single is the answer, definitely not, for anyone. As MDS1 said so rightly, life is to be shared. Never a truer word spoken.

I dont know if anyone else feels they drink more when alone, but its for sure the case for me.
Life is full of Kings and Queens, who blind your eyes then steal your dreams..

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Cheryl
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Re: Staying single?

Post by Cheryl » 04 Feb 2008 12:30

Thanks Tessa,so do you think I should keep my problem to myself? In the hope that I can keep staying sober if in a relationship...or come clean from the word go! I really would like to meet someone else,as you said I feel that would keep me on the straight and narrow,but am scared of rejection if my drinking ever became a problem again.....
Oh well I'll have to keep hoping that mr right is just around the corner! And my incentive to keep sober just in case! :D

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Re: Staying single?

Post by Tessa » 04 Feb 2008 17:03

Hi Cheryl
if you can stay sober as a single person, then you will be more than sober in a relationship i think :) I personally wouldnt share your story from the word go...why? Because thats sort of like apologising for your past....because your past is a part of you, and that is ok. And its also pre-warning someone of something that probably will not happen, and if it does, well then you will see if that person is willing to stand by you. We cant really predict how people react to many things. Right now, you are sober, and thats that. And I have a funny feeling that it will be the same in a few months :D Be yourself, who you are today, and if the right person is out there, which they are for everyone, then all will fall into place, and if you feel comfortable talking about things once you know the person well, then that is good.

Your incentive to keep sober should be for YOU and nobody else :)
Life is full of Kings and Queens, who blind your eyes then steal your dreams..

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Re: Staying single?

Post by icarus » 10 Mar 2008 15:55

I AM STAYING SINGLE!!!

Okay, I am sure the right person will come along...but my drinking has spiraled out of control due partly to my last relationship(s). I am still trying to get over him. IT hurt soooo bad. I screwed up what I thought was the man for me. I see that it wasnt meant to be but it still HURTS. I missed five days in a row of work because I was sooooo depressed and I drank thru every waking moment of it. I could have stayed in bed for another week if I didnt somehow pull myself together. So I have huge abandonment issues. Got to figure that all out before I drag someone into my mess. I know I am a good person, but I just got messed up a bit and need to revamp, take inventory and re-invent myself. I hope its not too late. I want kids some day and I am 36. That is a hard reality for me right now. Gotta to believe that anything can happen...

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Re: Staying single?

Post by byron » 10 Mar 2008 18:42

Icarus

I had my last one when I was 41 (child not drink :) . My friend was 43. so theres time there . Alcohol causes depression.
We really cant make any life changing decisions until the alco has been kicked out of the window.
Every relationship will suffer with alcohol in the middle of it.

Your prince will come, they always do, :( :D

My partner put me through a lot last year. I started drinking nightly, more interested in that than him, didnt want to talk, just drink. Do I blame him for me being miserable or the alcohol for me being miserable? mmmmmmmmm Anyway relationship pretty much over, we have a child and are keeping a strange status quo just now.

juliex
Action is the antidote to despair.

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Re: Staying single?

Post by God Loves a Tryer » 10 Mar 2008 22:20

Hi all,

Just found out tonight that divorce is on the cards for me and my wife of 15 months - it appears l am going to be fleased???
Gutted.
Drink entered my head about an hour ago, but l can't let that make this situaton worse, gota be strong eh.

I suppose the reson l came on this post is cos it said 'staying single' - l havent been single for along time.......l am now 28 and feel that l will be well and truley out of place, as my lines used to work well, but that was when l was 20!!!!

I aint lookin forward to single life at the mo, boohoo.

GLT

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Re: Staying single?

Post by God Loves a Tryer » 10 Mar 2008 22:45

Hey Fiendish,

Reply is much appreciated by the way.
I suppose l didnt see it coming, thats been the bigger shock, and the realisation that it has all been about 1 thing - ££££.
I liked a drink, that was apparently the main, problem - until l gave it up, then everything else was the problem.

It hit me like a tonne of S**t when she started realing off the laws of divorce, wot she'll get etc, after l just sold my house to buy a big one for us both.

I just cant believe l havent seen it coming. feel constantly sick to the stomach..

we split 4.5 yrs ago, and l was in a bad way. Never really had issues with break ups, but didnt realise that l may have had a drink issue until then, as l could drink with ease from 09:00hrs til 04:00hrs on my own, but this didnt worry me!!!!!!

It does now, but aint goin back there, THAT WAS BAD.

Anyway, l'll shut up.

Cheers
GLT

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Re: Staying single?

Post by God Loves a Tryer » 10 Mar 2008 22:53

High Hopes,
Not been great for approx 6months, but thought new house and off alc may be the answer. It appears niether were the answer.
My head is clouded cant really finish any thoughts, but l take great strength from your advice.
Thanks

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Re: Staying single?

Post by byron » 10 Mar 2008 23:24

Hi GLT

So very sorry about your news. Obviously agree with HH. Now, more than ever you need a clear head to deal with the fall out. EAF just loves times like this and is probably doing cartwheels of delight in your brain right now.

You know we are all here for you so sounds off to when you need to . Actually going through similar now though he hasnt moved out (long story not going there right now), at times I get so angry I just want to give a real long rant etc. and thought how nice it would be to have a room here where we could do that, but with a twist, no one was allowed to reply to any rant, or to comment on them on any other thread unless it was mentioned there. Just a room to really let of steam and get some anger out in a safe environment.

Years ago I had a friend , She had a house with a large back yard and high brick walls. She used to hord all her glass bottles and when she got mad would go into her yard and hurl them all at the back wall, screaming the name of who ever or what she was mad with as she let fly. She encouraged me to have a go once and I have to admit it felt so good. Guess you have to pick the right neightbourhood for that one.

Anyway rambling arnt I. so sign off with keep strong and all the best.
<:)> Julie
x
Action is the antidote to despair.

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Re: Staying single?

Post by icarus » 11 Mar 2008 08:03

High Hopes...

Wow. Its incredible how honest you are. Thank you.

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Re: Staying single?

Post by rcam037 » 13 Mar 2008 06:32

Hi All,

I am new here. I have been looking around for a site like this in the UK, there are so many American ones but this seems to be the only one of it's kind in the UK.

I am a kiwi girl moving to the UK in May and I was wondering if there was anything like activites/social events for people who don't drink in the UK? I am 29 and although I have a few friends in the UK they all drink and have not been around me since I stopped drinking (about 6 months ago) and I am nervous about how they will react. I am just feeling that it may be difficult to go out and have a good time and meet people in London and the UK in general where there is such a drinking culture ...or so I've heard! Again, the States seem to have lots of groups and holidaying and dating sites specifically for non-drinkers, but this seems to be lacking in the UK ??

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I just want to be in some like-minded company.

Thanks for your help,
Rebecca

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Cheryl
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Re: Staying single?

Post by Cheryl » 13 Mar 2008 08:52

Hi Rebecca,
Welcome to the forum,
I wonder if you could post on NEW Members as you may get overlooked on here,
Just a few lines to introduce yourself,and Im sure you will get more response....
Look forward to chatting to you.....

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Re: Staying single?

Post by bub1976 » 15 Mar 2008 07:45

I have read some of the posts on being single staying single etc, i am a lone parent with four children and i am happy being single and not having all the shite that goes with being with a man!!!! I think that the drinking meant that i was choosing partners who fitted my habit a drinker, so when the kids came along and i decided to take the drinking in hand and spend time sobor you see friends and your partner in a differant light they are now very differant than you, and friends well were drinking buddies.

I now have a new mix of friends who dont drink, or drink very little, secondly i am having alot of counselling and feel that i have a long way to go in my self before i can enter in the relms of dating.

I think alcohol made my perceptions of people very distorted and also meant i didnt have safe and healthy boundaires with anyone, this is now changing, i am finding now as time goes on the need to drink has declined and i am feeling more confortable in my own skin.

Well i would say to any one still trying to cut down drinking etc until you are looking after your self staying single is the better option.

Emma x
Dust Be Dust Diamonds be Wine Happy Happy HAppy All Of The Time

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Re: Staying single?

Post by icarus » 15 Mar 2008 08:40

Emma,

That was some real sound advice. I loved how you talked about perception and how alcohol gave you a blurred perception of people. Now sober, I cant even imagine the person who I will end up with. I feel like I am just getting to know me again, so your advice pretty much hits the nail on the head. I appreciate your post very much.

Wonderful day to ya!


Icarus

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Re: Staying single?

Post by stormyseas » 29 Mar 2008 03:25

In response to the first post (Cheryl)-

I don't think I'm single because of my slight (understatement) dependence on alcohol. I think it's because of what I haven't gone through in terms of figuring out who I am and how I feel. Which is a consequence of blotting everything out through alcohol. If that makes sense.

Basically I think you're probably completely right :S

x stormy

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Re: Staying single?

Post by ME2 » 01 Apr 2008 11:56

I heard it put as you can be lonely or annoyed...........I personally like company but am just getting back to the real me and wonder should I delay trying to make a relation yet. Will see....... Good luck with .... C.
Some people make things happen, some watch things happen, while others wonder what has happened.........

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Re: Staying single?

Post by maryrose » 05 Apr 2008 09:10

Morning.
Im new on here, so please be gentle!
I just thought Id post here because Im recently separated from my partner, mainly due to my drinking and the behaviours i display when drunk. I ended the relationship as i was killing him emotionally, treating him so bad with my outbursts and very selfish behaviour.
The thing is, now i feel so lost here in what was once our home. Im alone and very lost. I drink every night to the point where i cant remember going to bed. I hate myself in the morning and my inner critic goes mad! :twisted:
Just reading some of the posts on this excellent site has given me the courage to join BE and hopefully start to find my way back to normality.

Mxxx

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