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Staying Single

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
Bluebottle
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Re: Staying Single

Post by Bluebottle » 26 Sep 2019 23:58

Sorry to hear your story Danny. <:)>

I think one of the biggest issues Jim has/had with me was my drinking, he doesn't seem to realise he was a large part of why I drank (to excess) and, although I'm not abstinent, my drinking is a fraction of what it used to be. I have certain issues with him but, if he was prepared to compromise, maybe we could work it out. I see certain qualities in Jim that I've not really seen in other guys, he's always there for me even though we've not been together for over 2 years.

On the other hand, why rock the boat, we're getting on fine as we are! :? Really don't know what to do for the best. (w)

Ruby xx
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
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Winkler
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Re: Staying Single

Post by Winkler » 27 Sep 2019 06:47

I hope you don’t mind me saying this Ruby but I immediately thought YOU are the only person who is responsible for your drinking too much, nobody else
What do you think?

If you blame him for your drinking and that is, or has been a major stumbling block in your relationship- it’ll happen again won’t it, if it’s not been resolved and owned by you?

I get that his behaviour/attitude or your relationship might be triggers to you but that’s for you do deal with isn’t it - not something you can blame on him?

Does he want you to stop drinking? I imagine you’d get him back if you convince him you’ll keep it moderate. Is that likely?

I mean everyone wants to stay in control don’t they? I can’t do it. I think you’re usually pretty good at it but it’s risky, I think 🤔
The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see - Winston Churchill

Bluebottle
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Re: Staying Single

Post by Bluebottle » 27 Sep 2019 10:26

I'm well aware of that Winkler, Jim was merely a catalyst. I wouldn't go back to him if he doesn't change his behaviour, that's what we need to talk through.

Ruby xx
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
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Winkler
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Re: Staying Single

Post by Winkler » 27 Sep 2019 13:11

O ok!
What do you want him to change then, I wonder?
Just curious, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want :)
The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see - Winston Churchill

Bluebottle
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Re: Staying Single

Post by Bluebottle » 01 Oct 2019 01:27

It appears that my drinking wasn't that big an issue after all, I think we're back together but he seems to be keeping me at arms length, I'm hopefully seeing him tomorrow so we can talk things through.

Had a lovely weekend with Jim and his family, even his son thought we should get back together, drank too much on Friday, about 11 units, I'd forgotten what a hangover felt like, just feeling tired and grumpy but it didn't really spoil the weekend.

Ruby xx
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
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Shadowlad
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Re: Staying Single

Post by Shadowlad » 01 Oct 2019 11:22

Relationships can be so complicated can't they ? Talking can help, but sometimes we don't even understand our own feelings, or desires come to think of it. I was with my husband for over 25 years and i still love him as a person. I still feel sad at what we had and what we lost. We had 2 separations during our marriage, at my instigation. I had met him quite young and he was older, ran away from home to live with him as a teenager. Over the years, he was very laid back (though with a quick temper in our early marriage) and my chief enabler. Not really his fault, i took advantage of his forgiving nature though i had been forgiving of his unpredictable temper too. I think i stayed with him so long because he was loyal, reliable and...well...comfortable.

So we tried again twice, but in our case it wasn't going to work. I try not to analyse it so much now, and get on with life and the next new chapter. I like being single atm, and the freedom that brings. Things are actually quite uncomplicated and good atm, for the first time in years, and i would like to hang onto that and have more fun new experiences. Life is so short :)

I get where you are coming from Ruby but i wouldn't know how to advise you on what to do in your situation. Perhaps keep talking where you can, and doing whats best for you at all times. Its funny really. A year ago i didn't like to socialise much, and did not go out too much. Life was complicated at the time though and i just wanted to be around familiar and safe people. This year i have met lots of lovely, interesting new people and it has totally changed my outlook on life. I know i still have bipolar, and it is a full time job managing that, plus staying abstinent, but i am much more than those things too. And i'm starting to believe that now :)

Thanks for everyone's candid sharing here, its quite an important topic as relationships can be a chief catalyst for returning to drinking or having difficulty with stopping the problem drinking. Sorry if i'm too deep haha, always been too much of a thinker :? :geek: <:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

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Rachel
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Re: Staying Single

Post by Rachel » 01 Oct 2019 20:30

Great post Nicky.
Rachel

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DannyD
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Re: Staying Single

Post by DannyD » 02 Oct 2019 08:46

Last year I tried getting back with my children's father (am I repeating myself? Sorry). By the Spring of this year, I realised we'd slipped back into the old poisonous route where he belittled me and told me how to live my life. I have been single too long to put up with this, so it all ended (my fault of course. He has never been able to take responsibility). Last weekend, my children told me he has prostrate cancer - and I'm guessing not a very good prognosis. Not sure how I feel, how I'm entitled to feel, how I want to feel. He is the only man I've ever lived with.
be selfish in your sobriety.

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Topcat
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Re: Staying Single

Post by Topcat » 02 Oct 2019 09:16

That's sad to hear Danny, but it's not a good idea to let that influence you in any way. Can you remain friends? I did that with my late partner and it worked well. TC xx
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Re: Staying Single

Post by DannyD » 02 Oct 2019 10:47

Wish I could TC. Don't think friends is enough for him.
be selfish in your sobriety.

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Re: Staying Single

Post by Mark. » 02 Oct 2019 12:10

That is a really tough one, D <:)>

You are bound to feel as much sympathy for him as you would for anyone who had that diagnosis.
You may well feel even more than this, given the role he has played in your life (for good and bad).

That's all natural.

But like TC, I think that you shouldn't allow yourself to be influenced towards doing or feeling anything that isn't 'right' or true for you. And you certainly should not feel any guilt.

His illness is very sad and/or worrying (and I hope that his treatment goes as well as possible), but it doesn't change any of the reasons you had for deciding that you were not right for one another as a couple.

Difficult situation, though, I realise <:)>
Nie chwal dnia przed zachodem słońca.

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Re: Staying Single

Post by DannyD » 02 Oct 2019 14:22

My children (from various parts of the UK) are visiting him this weekend. I'm not sure if he'd welcome a visit from me. 5 hour drive each way. He tells me he still loves me (but that might be a guilt trip).
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Re: Staying Single

Post by Mark. » 02 Oct 2019 15:09

DannyD wrote:
02 Oct 2019 14:22
He tells me he still loves me (but that might be a guilt trip).
Yes, be cautious of that, D <:)>

You might have to play it all by ear. If he's only just had the diagnosis, you might be better waiting to find out how bad the prognosis actually is before either worrying too much about how to react, let alone actually reacting.

I hope things go as well as possible - both for him and for your daughters; and obviously for you too <:)>
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Re: Staying Single

Post by Topcat » 02 Oct 2019 15:22

Jjjj of Old wrote:
02 Oct 2019 15:09
I hope things go as well as possible - both for him and for your daughters; and obviously for you too
I second that Danny. Please tread very carefully <:)>
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Bluebottle
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Re: Staying Single

Post by Bluebottle » 02 Oct 2019 16:05

Shadowlad wrote:
01 Oct 2019 11:22
Relationships can be so complicated can't they ? Talking can help, but sometimes we don't even understand our own feelings, or desires come to think of it. I was with my husband for over 25 years and i still love him as a person. I still feel sad at what we had and what we lost. We had 2 separations during our marriage, at my instigation. I had met him quite young and he was older, ran away from home to live with him as a teenager. Over the years, he was very laid back (though with a quick temper in our early marriage) and my chief enabler. Not really his fault, i took advantage of his forgiving nature though i had been forgiving of his unpredictable temper too. I think i stayed with him so long because he was loyal, reliable and...well...comfortable.

So we tried again twice, but in our case it wasn't going to work. I try not to analyse it so much now, and get on with life and the next new chapter. I like being single atm, and the freedom that brings. Things are actually quite uncomplicated and good atm, for the first time in years, and i would like to hang onto that and have more fun new experiences. Life is so short :)

I get where you are coming from Ruby but i wouldn't know how to advise you on what to do in your situation. Perhaps keep talking where you can, and doing whats best for you at all times. Its funny really. A year ago i didn't like to socialise much, and did not go out too much. Life was complicated at the time though and i just wanted to be around familiar and safe people. This year i have met lots of lovely, interesting new people and it has totally changed my outlook on life. I know i still have bipolar, and it is a full time job managing that, plus staying abstinent, but i am much more than those things too. And i'm starting to believe that now :)

Thanks for everyone's candid sharing here, its quite an important topic as relationships can be a chief catalyst for returning to drinking or having difficulty with stopping the problem drinking. Sorry if i'm too deep haha, always been too much of a thinker :? :geek: <:)>
Thanks for your perspective nicky, sorry to hear it never worked out for you, I agree totally what you said about relationships, anyway the talking got us nowhere but we've agreed to be friends, I'm quite sad but glad in a way too, I could see my drinking getting way out of hand if we were together and I maybe wanted him back for the wrong reasons. Thanks again.

Ruby xx
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
352/12 days - sober/drinking (14 April 2018 - 13 April 2019)
307/59 days - 2019/2020

Bluebottle
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Re: Staying Single

Post by Bluebottle » 02 Oct 2019 16:09

Sorry to hear about your exhusband Danny, I haven't got any thing else to add that hasn't already been said, just wanted to offer support and <:)> <:)> <:)>

Ruby xx
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
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Shadowlad
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Re: Staying Single

Post by Shadowlad » 04 Oct 2019 12:13

Ruby&Tilly wrote:
02 Oct 2019 16:05
Thanks for your perspective nicky, sorry to hear it never worked out for you, I agree totally what you said about relationships, anyway the talking got us nowhere but we've agreed to be friends, I'm quite sad but glad in a way too, I could see my drinking getting way out of hand if we were together and I maybe wanted him back for the wrong reasons. Thanks again.

Ruby xx
I'm glad you can keep your good friendship Ruby <:)> I think i also got back with my husband for the wrong reasons, though it felt the right thing to do at the time. Its all a learning curve isn't it :) To this day i would help him with a problem if he came to me, and i know i can turn to him, but we will never be a 'couple' again.
DannyD wrote:
02 Oct 2019 08:46
Last year I tried getting back with my children's father (am I repeating myself? Sorry). By the Spring of this year, I realised we'd slipped back into the old poisonous route where he belittled me and told me how to live my life. I have been single too long to put up with this, so it all ended (my fault of course. He has never been able to take responsibility). Last weekend, my children told me he has prostrate cancer - and I'm guessing not a very good prognosis. Not sure how I feel, how I'm entitled to feel, how I want to feel. He is the only man I've ever lived with.
Danny <:)> sorry to read this, take care x
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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DannyD
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Re: Staying Single

Post by DannyD » 04 Oct 2019 14:36

Thanks people

I've shared the cancer diagnosis with friends in RL, and feel better for talking things out. My children are planning to visit this weekend, so I'll see what they report back. If it's negative in any way, I might think about visiting. I don't think for one moment he'd do the same if the situation were reversed. But I have to live with me and my emotions.

Ruby I'm sorry things didn't work out. I think this getting-back-together is something some of us need to try.
be selfish in your sobriety.

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