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CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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Cheryl
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CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Cheryl » 29 Mar 2008 10:37

What Is It?
by Shirley Morris, from "The Bruised Reeds"

Codependency is when someone (spouse, parent, sibling, coworker, or friend) allows another person's addicted or dysfunctional behavior to control his/her thoughts, feelings, or actions. Codependents tend to live their lives in response or reaction to the dysfunctional person's behavior or attitudes. They no longer have a life of their own, and they may find themselves unable to relate to others in a healthy way, but they don't know why.

The actions of an addicted person can be so unpredictable and difficult that loved ones (potential codependents) are often in a tense state of alert. The codependent may react by denying there is a problem, or take on responsibility for the problem, or become angry, ashamed, and resentful of the loved one.

The whole household can be adversely affected by living with an addicted/dysfunctional person. In order to survive, family members (or coworkers) may try to hide the problem, or control the addicted person's behavior, or cover up for him/her. This codependent behavior has the opposite effect of what's intended. It keeps the person from experiencing the consequences of his/her actions that might have led them to seek help, and it entraps the codependent in a lifestyle totally dependent on whatever the addicted person does or does not do.

If there are children in the family, they can also be seriously affected and react by either overachieving, rebelling, clowning around or withdrawing from the family. Whatever coping behaviors they adopt may continue to be an unhealthy life-long way to handle conflict.

Codependency can lead to various long-term problems, such as low self-esteem (sense of failure and inadequacy), depression (feeling hopeless and helpless), numbing of emotions, health problems (such as headaches, asthma, ulcers and high blood pressure), or relationship difficulties.

In relationships codependents often find they are no longer able to trust or be open and honest. If they do get involved in relationships, they are usually unhealthy ones that cause them more pain.

There is hope and healing for codependents, however. Family and friends can regain control over their lives and learn to live in healthier ways. Codependents can become actors, rather than reactors. It takes time, courage and determination to begin the recovery journey, but it's worth it.

The first step, if you believe you might be codependent, is to admit you have been adversely affected by living/working in a dysfunctional environment and your life has become unmanageable.

Next, begin to think about taking care of your own needs: spiritual, emotional, and physical. This is not easy when you're used to focusing on the addicted person's needs first. Be patient with yourself. It takes time to learn to live a healthier lifestyle. Small steps are better than no steps.

Then, accept your limits by beginning to understand you cannot fix your addicted/dysfunctional loved one. You are not responsible for anyone else's recovery but your own.

CO-DEPENDANCY

Co-dependency is a learned behaviour that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioural condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as "relationship addiction" because people with co-dependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behaviour is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behaviour.
fact sheet index


Who Does Co-Dependency Affect?

Co-dependency often affects a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence. Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today, however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person from any dysfunctional family.

What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-Dependency?

A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:

" An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
" The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
" The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.

Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don't talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become "survivors." They develop behaviours that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don't talk. They don't touch. They don't confront. They don't feel. They don't trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited.
Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people's health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.

How Do Co-Dependent People Behave?

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to "be themselves." Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviours like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.
They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the care taking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr's role and become "benefactors" to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may "pull some strings" to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behaviour.
The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy care taking of the "benefactor." As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from "being needed." When the care taking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choice less and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behaviour that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Characteristics of Co-Dependent People Are:

" An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others.
" A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to "love" people they can pity and rescue.
" A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time.
" A tendency to become hurt when people don't recognize their efforts.
" An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
" An extreme need for approval and recognition.
" A sense of guilt when asserting themselves.
" A compelling need to control others.
" Lack of trust in self and/or others.
" Fear of being abandoned or alone.
" Difficulty identifying feelings.
" Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change.
" Problems with intimacy/boundaries.
" Chronic anger.
" Lying/dishonesty.
" Poor communications
" Difficulty making decisions.


Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-Dependency

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others' opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a "bad person" when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying "no" when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can't do justice to any of them?

If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

How is Co-Dependency Treated?

Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person's childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behaviour patterns. Treatment includes education, experiential groups, and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behaviour patterns. Treatment also focuses on helping patients getting in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood and on reconstructing family dynamics. The goal is to allow them to experience their full range of feelings again.

When Co-Dependency Hits Home

The first step in changing unhealthy behaviour is understanding it. It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how it extends into their relationships. Libraries, drug and alcohol abuse treatment centres and mental health centres often offer educational materials and programs to the public.
A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and his or her family. Any care taking behaviour that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say "no," to be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.
Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help someone live a healthier, more fulfilling life.

HIGH HOPES

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by HIGH HOPES » 29 Mar 2008 15:40

Wow, thanks Cheryl sure this will help many and is very interesting. lc xxxxxxx

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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by byron » 29 Mar 2008 17:12

thank you Cheryl.

I felt very very uncomfortable reading this. I had never heard of it but understand after painful reading that I may have some issues to address.
It explains a lot and I will need to explore this further. It looks like I may have another mountain to climb :(
On that last list there was only three I didnt fit :o But dont these also fit a general picture of low self esteem? also the definition of a dysfunctional family would almost fit all families other than those that Mary poppins assisted with. It is a hugley broad definition.
I suffered emotional abuse during my child hood. I do not feel a victim but ofcourse it has left scars and abnormal coping mechanisms. I am not sure I like labels and definately dont like the Co-dependancy label - for me is smacks of being a victim and I dont like that .
I feel that those with enough insight into their own problems and with the determination to resolve (even if it means professional help) are the ones who will benefit and whos family will benefit and their children also.

I do agree that those who struggle on with disaster after disaster , failure after failure without some form of self examination and effort to change will perpetuate exactly the behaviour type in the 'co - dependancy' scenario.

How do children who have seen war, poverty, abuse, trauma, deal with thier baggage in later life? When looking at the world around us (through the eyes of the tv) how many millions are experiencing these events right now and have done for a millenia. What makes one person overcome and another sucumb to past events.

I read something a phyciatrist wrote once _ wish I could remember who (poss Dr Murry Banks) He said of childhood 'in the past no one expected a 'happy' childhood or complained when they didnt have one, child hood was period of time one endured to get to the exciting part of life, adulthood. he went on to say that these days we demand a happy childhood and blame all our future woes on the fact that we did not get it." - Not necessarily my own thoughts but another interesting slant on the reasons or our self perceptions.

This is worth lots more thought and discussion Cheryl. I have a counselling session next week and will definately discuss this there.

Cheryl what is the rest of the book like? - I would be interested to read.

julie
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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Cheryl » 29 Mar 2008 18:25

Julie,
This subject was discussed in detail when I was in re-hab.....
I was trying to remember what it was all about in the light of the couple of posts from partners wanting help for their spouses,This info was on the web,there is a lot of it!
I dont agree with all of it,and I think that you are right,many many folk have to endure traumatic childhoods etc,but I have a co-dependent personality if the points are taken seriously,it does state however that not everybody will be just because they answer yes to the questions posed...
I dont want folk to take this too seriously,just think about how alcohol affects others we love,and realise that they can become concerned enough to develop co-dependency symptoms....
I hope I have not worried anyone by this post,and if so I will remove it....
Please let me know if this has caused anyone to feel uncomfortable,it was not my intention,and I will definately delete it......

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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by byron » 29 Mar 2008 20:43

Cheryl, Please do not delete.

One thing I said in my last post was that I do agree that those who struggle on with disaster after disaster , failure after failure without some form of self examination and effort to change will perpetuate exactly the behaviour type in the 'co - dependancy' scenario.
I think it is tremendously helpful to become somwhat self analytical especially where our own behaviour (as with alcohol) becomes inapproprite. It is also vey important to understand how others may be effectd by our 'abnormal coping mechanisms'.

When I read, especially the character list on the article you posted I was shocked at how many I could recognise in myself. That does not mean to say they are a serious problem (most are part of normal human behaviour to some extent.

Yes, for me it did make for uncomfortable reading but life is uncomfortable sometimes and the point is that we learn more and understand more. - There fore please do not delete. It certainly gives me more resolve not to drink and makes for a challanging and interesting next meeting with my counseller and alcohol worker.

Julie
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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Andiel » 29 Mar 2008 22:09

Hi to both,

I was going to say "wow, what a mouth-full" and sit here feeling guilty, then realized I was doing exactly what I read, ha ha. I do agree with you Julie, with almost everything you say, except that one has to remember too that some cultures are like that. Children will grow up learning that that specific way of life is the "correct" way to live.

Yes, for me too it was a little uncomfortable, and yes, I do see a lot of similarities, however, should I turn all of those around to the opposite, it will mean that I am a very selfish narcissistic person, which I also don't want to be. That is if one takes everything literally.

I guess what we should get from this is that we should lead our own lives, have empathy and sympathy but not to the extent that we drag ourselves down with it. More a give AND take than a take alone OR give alone. Also not to blame others for everything that goes wrong within ourselves. Something like "It is my own responsibility to make myself happy, but it is also my own responsibility not to be the single reason for someone selse's unhappiness". In that sense the article sure was informative and gave me lots to think about.

Thank you Cheryl and thank you for your comments Julie.

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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by byron » 30 Mar 2008 09:12

Hello Andiel

Culture - now that is a big one and you are so right. What is perceived as abuse in this culture may not be in another and for the children of that other culture hardship (our definition) is not as they have nothing to compare their experience against - they have their peers who are having the same experiences and elders who's perceptions of abuse and hardship is differnet from ours also.

A good example is for the muslim women who wear full chador - The western culture sees that as abuse to women , as suppressing of womens rights. Muslim women do not. they are proud and happy to wear chador and would laugh in your face if you suggested they had been emotionally damaged by that experience.

This woud mean that for those children our definition of hardship is the 'norm' and when we are all living within the norm we talk about it regularly and are supported by those around us.
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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by byron » 30 Mar 2008 10:41

www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm#melody


I have spent some time this morning looking at co-dependency and have come to realise how very important it is that we all should have some awareness if not understanding of what this is about. It would not only help us but our families and relationships also.

The link above has some very useful , easy to read infomation and eye opening theories.

I would be great to have other people post there thoughts about this here.

Andiel - again on culture. The British culture of 'stiff upper lip' and 'feelings should not be talked about' has a lot to answer for.
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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Andiel » 30 Mar 2008 18:39

Hi Julie,

Once again I have to agree with you, as for the British culture, a big smile. Darn I love those Brits!

Might I add, the Muslim faith is only one culture that would support these codependency rules (I do so agree with the women being proud and not at all suppressed as many would like to believe they are). But there are also other cultures where girls learn the man is the head of the house and they should listen to whatever he says. They get taught to be exactly the perfect co-dependent. Luckily it seems as if “modern society” is taking care of that to a certain extent, although not fully yet, but it is hard for someone growing up in a society like that to learn to become self assured and self dependent.

Somewhere on this site I read that childhood is a state you see through so that you can get to the wonderful adulthood and that most children really don’t have a perfectly “happy childhood”. I guess then it is our responsibility to somehow grow up and leave the child behind without blaming anyone or anything for what we are now. Kinda nice to shift some blame though :(

To strive to live like an adult and be responsible for my own deeds. Gives me something positive to work at for the next little while. As for the EAF, on day 5 it really doesn't feel like something POSITIVE to work for ha ha, but I know in a week or two from now I'm going to feel a whole lot better.

What an eye opener this was, thanks again Cheryl.

Darcy, you are lucky to have only half of the symptoms, I’m afraid, I have a whole bunch more, sigh…………..

HIGH HOPES

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by HIGH HOPES » 30 Mar 2008 18:52

The information on here is amazing hi Andiel, Darcy, Byron, Cheryl and all. Its also food for thought, my brain and mind cant cope with too much to think about, but it certainly has given me a lot of insight and possibley more strength.

As for the childhood thing, unsure about that I can only compare my own experience (only have bad alcohol ruled memories up to leaving home at 17) any good times blacked out where are they?, siblings all the same, the tears arguing drunken fights, violence beyond believe and torn between two parents, school life ruined because of it due to lack of sleep thru arguing, socially affected as whole street saw fights etc, and could well have been my own life ruined too. Thankfully, ive taken so many strengths from my own experience and have not passed it down another generation (apart from the drinking). However, my OH who hasnt had any of this, talks of many happy memories and lovely times, does not remember a bad time, truthfully, neither do my 2 close friends who have not got alcohol ruled lives/family and do not abuse it themselves. Unsure if there is a pattern can only talk from my own experience. Im trying not to analyse it now as there may be no point, lots of wasted energy for me so far and no real answers, best to move on and get a grip with my own future. Ta Cheryl.

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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Andiel » 30 Mar 2008 19:16

Hi to all again,

Oh HH, there are childhood things that were not included in that statement of mine. It must have been horrible. I'm so sorry to hear about yours.

You are so right, I went through some severe depression at one point in time and the wonderful lady I was seeing taught me one thing I will never forget. She said: "You can change nothing in your past, but you can change a hell of a lot of your future". That stuck in my mind and has always been helpful to me.

xxxxxxA

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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by byron » 30 Mar 2008 19:31

Andiel,

I love that - dont we meet some great people who say the most amazing one liners that change our whole perception of a particular problem our lives.

I had issues with my mother not giving approval for anything I tried or achieved. I felt I could never ever be good enough and could never please her. A very wise lady said -' Ok your mother cannot give approval - you knows this -so stop looking for it and get on with your life'. :shock: I did. My relationship with my Mother became a much more positve one and I never looked back from that one.

HH - Awareness of the wrongs of our childhood will always help us to break the chain of dysfunctional behaviour being passed on to our children. Your final step is to stop drinking and you are well on the way. I wonder what our childrens perceptions of their childhood will be ? Er ...... I dont think I want to think of that one :lol: :lol:

j
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HIGH HOPES

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by HIGH HOPES » 30 Mar 2008 19:41

Hi ANDIEL, yep it wasnt great, but you hit the nail on the head and thats what im gradually learning to face up to after being on here, which again has been a bit of a help in tackling other things. I certainly cannot change my past and do not want my parents to govern what happens with my life in the future as they have no control over me now. Ive always tried hard with my parents, even blamed myself in a way, but over the past few years, ive tried to gain an understanding of my own drink issue so I could even possibly try to understand my fathers and come to terms with a lot more. One good thing ANDIEL is ive realised im not alone with this and you and many others, have your own past and things to deal with too, thanks lc xxxxxx

Hi BYRON glad to see you and gud your boy home again, told you hed be safe. Thankfully, altho ive felt really guilty for standing in kitchen drinking, many a night, my behaviour has never turned to violence and abusing the kids even mentally, just my good old self, maybe sometimes staggering to bed, but never to harm the kids. Realise emotionally could have been on way to causing damage, but they have had wonderful memories and im thankful for that and that I could save myself before the worse could happen. They talk about all the things weve done, especially 5 year old he remembers loads more. Just hope the memory of the strongbow can fades for him in the not too distant future, cheers mate, lc xxxxxxxxxxx

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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Andiel » 30 Mar 2008 21:43

HH, one wonderful thing about the human brain is that we very often do only remember the good things. It is only when the bad things becomes so overwhelming that they suppress the good things that we have a problem I think.

Your kids are I'm sure, so very proud of you for doing what you are doing. I myself have not yet told my kids that I've stopped, just for fear I have to disappoint them yet again, but I know they will whole heartily support me and be just as disappointed as I am if I don't succeed. However, this time it really is different, this morning I was getting the emotional rush again which definitely would have driven me to the EAF before. Instead I logged on and read all your postings. I'm OK now, I even put away the half bottles my guests did not finish last night and threw the empties in the bin myself. Felt quite proud of that one!!

Yes, we sure all have our pasts to get over. My mother was anorexic and that usually goes together with a very controlling and abusive personality, which is not the best thing for a kid to have :) She was really very verbally and emotionally abusive, but she died at a young age and I know she did not mean to harm me. She loved us very much and I'm sure, like me, the last thing she meant was harming us in such a way. However, it does not heal the scars, that I had to do myself. As you both rightfully said, what she did made me learn what not to do with my own kids, yet, I do a whole bunch of other things ha ha. Thank God I had a father who was and still is the greatest man I've ever known. Many of us did not have that fortune.

As for my kids, yes, they sure have many scars I left there, but they do love me and they are always there for me. We've talked about these things often and god bless them, they are so understanding and helpful.

I think what I'm saying is: We do wrong just like our parents, maybe just in other ways and maybe in the same way. But we stood still for a minute and we looked ourselves in the eyes, acknowledging that we are doing wrong. We turned around and we are trying to fix it. That makes me proud of myself and willing to pursue this further. Kids are always very understanding and willing to forgive and they sure will remember and cherish the good rather than the bad.

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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by icarus » 06 Apr 2008 01:02

This is some interesting stuff....

Boy, I feel like I have to have the "issue" police come in and arrest me...


Icarus

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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by queenie » 25 May 2008 17:20

this is really interesting to read. one thing that springs out on a lot of the threads is how childhood stuff has affected so many of us. i certainly don't feel i had a happy childhood and it took years to even begin to put it somewhere manageable and get on with life. when i was 8 my mum decided i should go and live with my dad and his new partner and i grew up with a massive thing about rejection. in those days hardly any parents divorced and of those that did the children always went with the mother. my father was suicidal and made several serious attempts on his life, all of which derailed me and my stepsisters. i fell into sleeping with boys form an early age thinking sex was love, and with that went the drinking. i put myself in some very dangerous situations.

my marriage is certainly within the co-dependant model - my husband has end stage renal failure and will be having a transplant with his brother as a live donor in the next month or two. our relationship used to be one where he nurtured me which i sorely needed. since his illness it has all gone up in the air and i definitely fit into the co-dependant description. i can do martyrish very well! our family dynamic is complicated by the relationship between my husband and my son having got very uncomfortable too. my son is autistic and cannot manage being shouted at yet my husband's moods make him very volatile. he isn't that sort of character - it is the toxins in his blood and is a well known side effect of kidney disease. so i end up trying to calm everyone down and acting as referee and never having my own needs met. i suppose this is why i have been heading into the wine bottle but i plan to find other ways to manage it all.

thanks for posting this thought-provoking information.
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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by queenie » 26 May 2008 09:22

hi jos

it is amazing to have a place to come like this. reading the co-dependancy stuff really made me think about the dynamics of our family. illness in a family really throws all the balls up in the air and re-designs all the patterns that made a family work well in the first place. at least in my family we can finally see some light at the end of the tunnel with the transplant (fingers crossed it works of course!) whereas so many people are looking at years of it, like we were until my bro in law came forward and offered his kidney. i think we will face some more challenges with re-jigging things again once my husband is well but being aware of this sort of thing makes it much easier to deal with.

i just had a conversation with my son about the forum - he is in the habit of coming for a cuppa if i'm in bed reading or on the laptop so he saw the lozenges across the top of the page, including the one that says 'online alcohol counselling'. i explained how the reason i was so grumpy with him was that i have been drinking too much wine to try and squash the stress and that now i am cutting back the stress will pop out for a bit until i work out new ways of dealing with it.

he is a really perceptive kid (well, teenager - he is 13 now) and we have always spoken honestly to him about everything that is appropriate for his age. i think it is important for him to realise that there are strategies to deal with things in life that are difficult as he will face a lot of challenges, so i am frank with him about my challenges. one of the things that is a feature of autistic people who are verbal and operate in the world more than the non-verbal autistic people is that they have a tendency to self-medicate with drink or drugs. the number of people on the autistic spectrum (including adhd) that i have come across through my job who use a lot of speed is really noticable (ritalin, the prescription drug used a lot for adhd, is basically speed). so for him to learn about self-medication and how it can lead to dependence is really important anyway - his diagnosis is high-functioning autism/aspergers and adhd.

he said he was sorry for fixating so much (part of why things are stressy now is that he is fixating about a new gadget that he has saved up for which will be delivered very soon). he is trying really hard today to control the fixations.

so the grumps last night have had a good outcome in that i have told him about my plan to get healthy and he has realised that some of his autistic behaviours have consequences for other people. i feel that already a dialogue has started in our family that might help with some improvements in how we muddle along.

thank you again!
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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by dadaben » 12 Aug 2008 21:19

I was co dependant, its ruined my life, i feel so sorry for the consiquences of my loves life, im sure she feed off my supply of drink, and i feed her, how i wish time could change whats happened, we enjoyed a drink, then it went bad, got to get on now, i hope there may be a future, without drink, - when i bought one bottlle, i knew it was not enough, i hoped it was, but would always get another if she asked as I enjoyed the conversation together, we would have our space once the kids went to sleep, and i failed there, lets not start...

ben x
Last edited by dadaben on 12 Aug 2008 22:26, edited 1 time in total.

dadaben
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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by dadaben » 12 Aug 2008 21:23

Now I have to stop drinking, its hard being alone, but tonight its easy, no money or fags, so night 2, sweat away, I hope i sleep

Amber
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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Amber » 13 Aug 2008 01:41

Dadaben,you are not alone,we are all here for you <:)> If you have a desk fan,put it on and lay yourself down with a thin sheet to cover yourself and a nice cold drink of water.Maybe put the tv on for a bit of background noise and try to have happy thoughts about how well you will feel once you have been of the drink for a good while.I myself am looking forward to feeling totally well again.I have almost forgotten how it feels.Brighter days are in our reach.Take care of yourself,hope you manage to get some sleep xx <:)>
The strongest among the weak is the one who doesn't forget his weaknesses.
- Danish Proverb

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