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CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by audacity » 13 Jun 2010 17:03

Thanks Bela <:)>

one of my friends said today, you will be happy, when I told him that I'm sorting out my life.

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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Bela » 13 Jun 2010 17:31

You deserve happiness, Audacity. <:)>
Whatever works.

Cravings stop going where they aren't fed.

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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by audacity » 13 Jun 2010 17:43

I definitely do! can't live someone else's life anymore even if he says I'm his life and his great love. Yer, right...same old story! :geek:

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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by BrusselsGirl » 08 Jun 2011 21:56

Dear Sheryl.

Thank you for posting this. I fit the picture very well except for a couple of points.

I have been going to conselling for the last few months and one of the things I need to work on is low self esteem.

I come from a dysfunctional family (father an alcoholic and mother an enabler) and I guess my greatest thing to work on is that I do not feel loved. And then do all kinds of things to be liked. Like going the extra mile or overextending myself.

Like that song the greatest love of all is the one within you---well. That is something to work on.

What do you do to work on your self esteem? How do you just accept yourself for who you are?

My counsellor gave me a workbook on how to say no. I guess I can start working on that and on affirming myself and not feeling obligated to always "please others". I have actually started doing baby steps towards it.

Maybe that is the underlying issue of my drinking problem. I have drank to not feel, no numb myself, to relax, to not feel alone. Then of course the exessive drinking brings all the gilt and shame. It is so self destructive.

One of the things my counsellor told me one day when I had a session with her is that I sounded like a little girl that was hurt. She recommended I take a picture of me when I was a little girl and talk to her and nurish her or treat her the way I would treat my child if I had one.

I though that was useful. Actually realizing that my issue is that helps me understand better why I have had so much trouble with alcohol, boundaries and limits.

I am just so ready to heal. I want to heal. I want to feel great about myself. To be me.

Thanks to all of you this is a great place to work on oneself. I have read some very interesting things I can really relate to here.

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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by silvergirl » 13 Aug 2011 19:45


you can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
~jon kabat-zinn

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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Boris Bike » 14 Aug 2011 09:19

First post was very interesting (and the follow-ups).

I find myself slightly uncomfortable where it mentions chronic illness and mental illness.

These things can strike anyone and the fact is that a person with those problems may need to be looked after by those nearest to them (parent, partner). To the greatest extent possible, someone with chronic/mental illness has to do all they can to mitigate their problems themselves. But I'm left with the thought of those people with schizophrenia, say, who so often end up totally alone.

Obviously if a parent/partner is declining in their own mental and physical health in meeting the needs of an ill person then that is no good as the whole set-up begins to fail. But I found the article in the first post a bit uncompromising. I feel there will always be people that are predisposed to give more than they get back and there will always be people who, through no fault of their own, need support and have to take more than they're able to give back.

The article seems to discount that some people find pleasure in attending to the needs of another, as stressful as it can undoubtedly be at times. The article seemed to me to veer towards calling for the abandonment of people with long term needs. And then what happens to them? There's already enough social exclusion of the disabled and mentally ill as it is.

So what's the answer? What do you think?

Obviously the state can help shoulder the burden, but we all know how badly that can fail. We recently saw the documentary of the abuse carried out in care homes and the guilt suffered by the parents who felt responsible for placing them there.

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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by renasci » 14 Aug 2011 10:10

There is another interesting article about co dependency ... 0_cod.html" onclick=";return false;

(When we look at any list of 'symptoms' it is easy to see some of ourselves in them, so we have to be careful when we are self diagnosing)

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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by DoingBetter » 07 Nov 2011 10:06

Hi Ragnar, thanks for bumping this up. I agree a little with with Boris that there are certain personality types that are more prone to co-dependent actions than others. Some of my anger with my husband is not just that my feelings are hurt by his self-alienation, but that I find his actions inappropriate.

His mental state is common a negative one, and I can't understand why he sees things the way he does. However, that doesn't give me the right to dictate to him.

Its good to be reminded of this type of interaction, I think all of us have a little of this in us. Especially the part that says "but its only for your own good!"

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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Tatt » 10 Nov 2011 08:05

I have only just found this thread and have read it with great interest....what I also notice is that many people who have responded can identify with the co-dependant personality/behaviour, whereas what I was thinking is has MY behaviour and my serious illness caused co-dependency in other members of my family? There is some serious thinking to be done on this topic, thank you so much for raising it :)
What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.

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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by lils » 10 Nov 2011 14:39

Hiya Tatty bear, just noticed you'd posted on this thread. <:)> It's one of my favourite threads because it helped me realise how much of a co-dependent I am. Every relationship has been with someone needy and who I have to support - I do wonder if it has aided in my drinking.

I would be very interested in hearing what your counsellor has to say about it, that is if you bring it up with them. It is possible to be a drinker and not cause co-dependency. It's a complex but fascinating concept.

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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by JellybabyUK » 17 Feb 2013 10:05

This post is very helpful as this is me. I have been covering up for my oh for years and it became normal.....i also note that it says you can feel numb, i have been wondering why i have felt so numb for some time. I have now made a change and made my oh leave. I will be concentrating on myself, its early days and i dont know how it will pan out but i am looking for ward to the school run next week with no banging, shouting, stress etc....or having to worry as he is hungover (i dont drive).


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Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Redsox22 » 03 Dec 2014 13:57

This post is spot on for me.

I am struggling with abandonment issues right now. It has all come to a head and I'm in crisis mode.

I'm working an ACA program and it helps but right now I am struggling.

I feel truly alone, which I know is better than the relationship I was desperately clinging to, but it brings up so many old hurts and panic and fear.

I'm happy to have found this thread.

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