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KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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catethecapuchin
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Reunions

Post by catethecapuchin » 09 Apr 2008 13:54

Hello everyone,

Firstly, once again I would like to thank you all again for your kind welcomes - this is a place where I do feel very safe here and I have spent a lot of time reading the posts which have been so helpful.

I must apologise if this topic has been brought up before but I couldn't find anything about my problem so I decided to post. I am really sorry if I am in the wrong place.

I haven't seen my sister, my niece and nephew for over six years due to my drinking. Because I am finally trying to get help and deal with my issues, I phoned her and apologised for my behaviour. We are now back in contact again and we will all be meeting up for the first time in six years next week. I am really, really, really looking forward to seeing my sister and my niece and nephew. The problem is how do I act around them? Do I assume that I can hug them all? Because I have missed birthdays and Christmases can I bring gifts for them all or is that to much? I have spoken to my niece and nephew and apologised to them and they are both fine with me, I get the feeling that they do understand (as my sister told them the truth about me) and that they have just picked up where we left off. I would really appreciate some advice so as I don't come over as heavy handed due to guilt over how I treated them all and make meeting up for lunch uncomfortable. I suggested that I take them all out for lunch but my sister said that she would like for us all to be at home and that she'll cook.

Any thoughts will be much appreciated.

Love, Cate.
xxx

skm1664

Re: Being Reunited

Post by skm1664 » 09 Apr 2008 21:40

Hi cat,

She has probably thought her place would be better as she can see what you are doing and hear what you are saying. Plus if she feels uncomfortable she can ask you to leave or make an excuse, and make another time in the future. I would take them all a small gift like a bunch of flowers for your sister instead of a huge bouquet, and something small for the children. I would also explain that I didn't know what to buy as it had been along time. Try not to feel guilty as she probably does too and most of all enjoy it and think there will be many more. Maybe leave a letter for your sister to read after you have gone saying you didn't want to do anything wrong to explain anything to her.

Others probably have better ideas than me.

All the best

Sheena

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Cheryl
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Re: Being Reunited

Post by Cheryl » 09 Apr 2008 21:51

Hi Cat,
I agree with Sheena,a small bunch of flowers and a big big hug! I think after the initial few minutes,lost time will soon be forgotten,and I really hope you have a brill time catching up...6 yrs is a long time,and it will feel strange at first,but Im sure it will be ok whatever you take or do..they must be excited in seeing you too,and are probably thinking the same...
Lots of Luck,let us know how it goes.....

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byron
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Re: Being Reunited

Post by byron » 10 Apr 2008 09:15

Hello Cat

Cheryl and skm said it all. - I would only add - be yourself - your new self without alcohol will be the greatest gift for them. I hope you enjoy your day - please let us know how it went - <:)>

Juliex
Action is the antidote to despair.

catethecapuchin
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Re: Being Reunited

Post by catethecapuchin » 10 Apr 2008 12:34

Thank you all so much for your replies and suggestions! I certainly will let you all know how I get on! Thank you so much again for your time and your help. <:)>

Love, Cate.
xxx

HIGH HOPES

Re: Being Reunited

Post by HIGH HOPES » 10 Apr 2008 16:07

I think its great what you are doing and the mere fact that you are worrying about it says it all, why not try get a pressy for the kids that suits their age group, they will love that , kids are great at forgetting stuff altho im not sure how old they are but they will love you to bits with a new presy (they dont need to know about your past) but of course I wouldnt insult your intellegence if they are older, they may understand something.

You may find this easier than you imagine, sometimes time heals and sisters are like gloves, and hopefully your sister and you will have matured a little to understand things in the past, good luck to you lcxxxxxxxxxxSomeone mentioned a letter, why not (if you feel appropriate) write a lovely sister card before hand if you truly have things you want to say but feel you may not be able to say them to her face, if you feel them, say them, she can read it as soon as you get there and know how you feel, this can be a massive ice breaker, but it may shed some tears but lets face it after 6 years, tears are better than bottling things up lc xxxx

catethecapuchin
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Re: Being Reunited

Post by catethecapuchin » 11 Apr 2008 20:08

Hello again,

Just to say thank you for all the suggestions and advice I have been given. I do like the idea of a letter to leave or a card to give to my sister. I am definitely going to buy presents but I won't go overboard or be overdramatic. I think the best thing of all is if I can show up sober and be able to show my sister and my niece and nephew that I have made changes. Maybe sobriety is the best present of all and I realise that lost trust cannot be made up for with just one visit. I have realised that I have to re-earn the trust of friends and family and maybe this is an occassion where actions e.g. turning up sober and not looking for a drink with a nice card or letter and nice presents, can really say more than the spoken word (does that make sense of have I committed an oxymoran? - forgive spelling :oops: .)

Thank you all again so much for taking the time and trouble to read my post and to reply. I do hope that I can be of help to you all as well. <:)>

Love, Cate.
xxx <:)>

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Cheryl
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Re: Being Reunited

Post by Cheryl » 15 Apr 2008 20:28

Hiya All,
This is not a 'problem' but a bit of news/gossip...
Just before my last 'fall' off the wagon (Xmas) I met a guy on a chat site,we 'clicked' and arranged to meet,2 days before the planned meet I decided to drink myself silly,and then had to spend 2 days in bed,drying out and recovering from withdrawal,I had to explain to this guy my 'problem' via texts,I was unsure of his reaction but decided that he needed to know...He sent me lots back worried about me and trying to cheer me up..
.
I was in withdrawal and not interested at that time in getting 'chatted up'......I didnt hear from him again!
Today,I visited that site,to find a message left for me,and a big kiss,so I just said hello and left it at that....

I have just finished chatting to him via msn,and he is going to get back to me soon! So maybe the meeting will be on again....
I will keep you up to date on my progress,just goes to show there are some folk who understand that we are all human and prone to 'mistakes' at times....
I needed to share this with someone.....You should see the smile on my face!

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Witchy1
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Re: Being Reunited

Post by Witchy1 » 15 Apr 2008 20:55

Fantastic news Cheryl - as Phoebe from Friends says, maybe he's your lobster!!! :D
It is not our abilities that make us who we are; it is our choices

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Cheryl
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Re: Being Reunited

Post by Cheryl » 15 Apr 2008 23:11

Thanks all,
I'll keep you posted!

catethecapuchin
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Re: Being Reunited

Post by catethecapuchin » 16 Apr 2008 09:48

Hello Everyone,

I just thought that I would give you all an update as you all have been so kind and supportive. Lunch is off, my sister called me yesterday to tell me that she found our dad dead. The neighbours phoned her when they hadn't seen dad for a few days. She went down to his house and got no reply so the police were called. They broke in and found our dad dead in his bedroom. He had been dead, they estimate since last week with a heart attack. The post mortem is to be done today. She had to formally identify him and is now making arrangements.

I have had a drink as this was the man who abused us. But, I thought that maybe we could have been reconcilled, now its to late. I must try to control my drinking though. I don't know what to do.

Love, Cate.
xxx

Excited
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Re: Being Reunited

Post by Excited » 16 Apr 2008 12:22

Dear Cate, I am so very sorry and shocked to read this - I don't know how to help but sending you lot of hugs and love. It is so much to cope with - I hope you can talk with your sister. Maybe this will pull you back together, though it is a terrible way for this to happen. do you have a counsellor? Could you phone any friends to talk to?
Try to hold back on the alcohol if you can - it always makes things even worse in the end. Take care of yourself - please look after yourself and hold on.

Lots of love
E x

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byron
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Re: Being Reunited

Post by byron » 16 Apr 2008 17:48

Cate,

So very sorry <:)> My thoughts are with you. I know you probably dont need me to say this at this time but - your grief is going to plunge you into the whole spectrum of emotions - its an awful time for anyone to have to cope with. Please try your hardest not to drink or at least not to drink to much - try to keep control of it as much as you can - you are really going to need a clear head to deal with the coming weeks. - hugs to you cate <:)> <:)>

Juliex
Action is the antidote to despair.

catethecapuchin
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Re: Being Reunited

Post by catethecapuchin » 26 Apr 2008 11:47

Hello Everyone,

Thank you all so very much for all the kind words and support on hearing of my father's death. I am so sorry for not acknowledging all the support offered sooner, but I have been in a state and unfortunately drank and have had a battle to stop. Now that the post mortem and the funeral are all over I am determined to try and pick up where I left off and to try not to drink as I am sure it is not helping the grieving process, even though at the time it seemed to be the answer. :oops:

Thank you all again for being there for me, I am so grateful that I found this site. <:)>

Love, Cate. <:)>
xxx

djbrice
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Ex Partners and kids

Post by djbrice » 04 May 2008 12:44

This is a very problematic thing for me and seems to be one of my main triggers for the booze.My ex is now with a copper who see was see behind my back for about a year before I found out.I went through a nightmare just to get parental responsability for my son and it took 3yrs to resolve the situation.In that time my alcohol abuse was bandied about like it was the worst possible thing on the earth.I was gutted at the time when she left me but that did,nt last long and am now happy to be single its great in fact as I can do what I want and can concentrate on getting better.
But every so often the goal post are moved with regard to my son.I don,t blame my ex for leaving as I was a complete jerk in the relationship due to my alcoholism but was always a good dad to my son as he seems to be the only thing thats good in my life.I,ve made every effort to get along with my ex even though I consider what she done to me in court was totally uncalled for,I was,nt going for custody for my son all I wanted was parental resposability as a friend of mine advised me that theres certain case that its needed in case the child needs treatment whilst in your care.
I was supposed to have my son last weekend but he rung me up and asked if he could go camping with a friend which was fine by me and it was agreed that he would spend this weekend with me,but that did,nt happen as my ex played the "my weekend" card and i was left gutted once more and turned to my old mate drink again.Any advice or experiences would be greatly apreciated,theres some much more to the story but it would take another 3yrs to tell.

icarus
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Re: Ex Partners and kids

Post by icarus » 04 May 2008 23:37

Hey dj,

I just read your post and it reminded me of a few things. I dont think we ever met but I am so happy to read your posts!
I dont have kids but I can relate to feeling disappointed when things do not turn out the way they are planned. Especially when you are looking forward to them happening. Its like in the midst of trying to get yourself on track, an incident will happen to throw you off of it and its usually out of your control. Its like you know that things come up and happen, but then you just wish that they can line up so that you can get a hold of your sobriety. This was one (of the many) of the things that was hard to cope with while trying to get sober. Disappointment was so hard to cope with but I had to keep reminding myself that things happen and that it will be alright. The key to helping me thru a weekend (this was ruff because I was all alone) was just concentrating on being sober. Thats it. I slowly started to feel in control again and found that everyone that I was concerned about, was living their life as usual. They where living. I needed to start that kind of living to actually enjoy them.

I dont know if this helps but I can only imagine the love that your child has for you and the fact that you are changing for yourself will make you better for you to enjoy each other to the fullest.

This is how I am dealing with my extremely dysfunctional family and one of the most glorious things about being sober is that there seems to be so much better of a connection and a "WANT" to be together instead of just existing together....geez I never thought I could say those words...lol

Hang in there friend,


Icarus

DesertMontain

Re: Ex Partners and kids

Post by DesertMontain » 13 May 2008 04:39

I'm surprised this thread isn't longer. It kills me to look at my kids and know that I'm not there as much as I could be because I'm sleeping off a hangover. It kills me even worse to think about leaving them behind after drinking myself to death. They are one of the the biggest incentives to quit.

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byron
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Re: Ex Partners and kids

Post by byron » 13 May 2008 06:13

Hello Dersert Mountain

My children are one of my biggest incentives also DM. I have three wonderful boys (two with their dad and one with me). My youngest one is five and I curl up with embarrasment inside when I think of how I was when drinking in the evenings. - He didnt have a mother - My behaviour was erratic - one minute playing with him and laughing a joking but the next minuite I would just not be there for him.

I was seperated from my partner some months ago but I had so much to drink that I had to call him to come and look after the little one - my partner came over and slept the night - he put me to bed. :oops: - Heaven knows what my son must have thought. I am so different now - even tempered, more tolerant - I am there for him. We have much more fun.

So many people post here that they believe (like myself) that part of the reason they drink is that they had parents who did. We have to stop that circle! We complain about our own childhoods and by drinking create another unhappy childhood for our children - anyone who believes that childdren are not affected by their drinking behaviour is in denial.

I shudder at the thought of what could have been and what could be if I drink again.

Julie
x
Action is the antidote to despair.

HIGH HOPES

Re: Ex Partners and kids

Post by HIGH HOPES » 13 May 2008 07:14

Hi Desert and Julie

I like your posts and Julie yours struck a chord with me. Ive said before I blamed anyone and everyone for my behaviour with drink, especially my folks (my father as you know is ill through drinking alcohol). When I removed the blame, I could move forward one day at a time, but it took a while, years and years infact to remove the blame. I now no longer have those bitter feelings and have learned that heck, not all drinkers have unhappy childhoods, far from it.

Drink can take a hold of anyone. Despite my childhood, I made a good life for myself, nice husband, 2 beautiful kids, but WHY did I do it???. Ive stopped asking myself as I get no answers, none whatsoever no matter how hard I search.

So the only way for me now is not to look back but to look at today. Although I was not agressive with alcohol, I emotionally shut my kids out over the last 12 months whilst drinking myself to death in the kitchen every night. Yes they got fed, yes they had play time and homework etc but it was always a hassle for me when they pulled my elastic chord away from my drinking spot, it annoyed me that they deprived me of my drinking time. WHAT? the poor kids, not their fault and I was so determined not to repeat history, I may have a drink problem but would never want the boot to be on the other foot either, its a nightmare for those around us too, they suffer more than we can imagine.

Anyway, glad I only had the last year where I felt things got so bad and that I can now move forward to better things (still had over 20 years to come to terms with this) but feel I now have a fighting chance of resolve. Take care lcxxxxxxxx

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byron
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Re: Ex Partners and kids

Post by byron » 15 May 2008 07:06

HH <:)>

I love to read your posts. In each one I read I can see the corner you have turned - all the hard work and anguish are paying off now because you seem to be so much more comfortable on the road you have chosen to reach your goal.

I raise a glass of elderflower cordial and toast our wonderful children and the wonderful evenings we now have with them :D

Julie
x
Action is the antidote to despair.

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