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KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
Melissa Jane
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by Melissa Jane » 03 Mar 2011 08:34

I was scared when I asked my my beautiful 8 year
what I was going to do on Sunday (I'm doing a half marathon) and she replied "not drink?" in an entirely innocent way... if that isn't a wake up call what is? :(

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Aaron.A
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by Aaron.A » 03 Mar 2011 11:43

It's quite scary on how children so young can pick up on their parents drinking. Whenever I had my son with me at the supermarket he would always refer to the alcohol aisle as "daddy's juice". And of course there are always times that we are tired and can snap at our children but when I was drinking I always felt there was a nastier side to me that would come out. :oops:
It's been a while since i could stand on my own two feet again

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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by Melissa Jane » 03 Mar 2011 16:23

Absolutely - I am so much calmer with the children when I'm not drinking - also there isn't the rushing the bedtime routine so I can start on a glass of wine... the pathetic thing last night is one of my children stumbled down stairs having had a bad dream and I felt positively trilled that I was sober and doing nothing I felt ashamed of. Or should I have been proud!!!! Either way its great to not be asking them to fill my glass (on a Friday or Saturday - as if that should be usual!!!) and I consider myself a (reasonably) good intelligent human being and a kind mother!!! I have friends who smoke and I always thought how did the children not pick up on it when they would sneak outside for a quick fag (and come back reeking)... but its the same with alcohol - they aren't stupid!!!

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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by Kokoda » 06 Mar 2011 12:32

Hi Cherry,

It's true, isn't it? Funny how when we drink it's 'me, me, me' and when we stop we suddenly remember that there are other little creatures around who deserve our attention, including nutritional meals and home-cooked snacks.

Vic
We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world.

http://www.buddhist-temples.com/buddhism-facts/buddhist-quote.html

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warriorwoman
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by warriorwoman » 09 Mar 2011 14:00

hello guys,please could i join you here,ive read back through a few posts and its really hitting home.

I was speaking to my sister last night about my drinking (she too has been drinking far too much and is starting to address it) She was saying how we need to look at the reasons why we drink so much rather than just focusing on stopping the drinking,and its got me thinking about my family (am a single mum of 2 boys aged 4 and 11) I really struggle with them (their dad lives a 2 hour drive away) they are lovely lads but the hormones are kicking in with the elder one and the younger one is so very ready to start school full time!!

I have struggled with drink since my husband left a couple of years ago (we had been together 15 years...since i was 17) Its hard suddenly being on ur own.

Unfortunately the ex husband was a big big drinker (more so after he left) and i had to eventually step in and restrict him seeing the boys as he was leaving them in dangerous situations,my eldest grew to hate going and seeing him.

I then moved myself and the boys to a different county,the ex sobered up with the help of his gp and medication..hes now not drunk for over a year and hes like a new man,we are good friends and he sees the boys regularly.

However I am the one who has slowly deteriorated with my wine drinking,its only at night but i have some shocking stories about how my poor boys have been affected by it. Im not even sure i can write them down,i feel so bad for them. Im not the mum i want to be to them,they need more,they deserve more.

I am very unhappy right now,im in a new area and have yet to get out and make friends (altho i do have lots of family here) As i said my youngest is due to start school in sept and im considering starting college and then doing a part-time degree at uni,to better myself (and my self esteem) and give us a better future. Im so scared tho that it will not be enough to get me out of the trap i am in at the moment with drink and it will be another thing i start and fail at.

Anyway,sorry,just needed to get that all out :oops:

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Kokoda
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by Kokoda » 09 Mar 2011 14:23

Welcome Warriorwoman,

Don't worry about online confessions, I've written a few since I started on BE, and nobody has ever judged me. Some have been eating me up inside for years, but it felt like a weight lifted off once I wrote them down and posted. Some have made me cringe when I read them again, wondering what the hell I was thinking (or not) at the time.

I think it's a great idea to go back and study. I'm doing it myself this year. I decided it was time to not only stop drinking but to drag my life out of the alcohol-drenched gutter I was lying in.

I hope you meet some friends soon, and I'm looking forward to chatting with you on the list :D It sounds like you're on the right track to get some self-esteem going. (Read my deplorable post on self-esteem on the General List tonight if you want to feel better :( . I was suffering from a bad attack myself, but getting it out then reading some other posts always helps me.) I don't know if I'll ever have the strength to let go of this site.

Don't beat yourself up about the night-time drinking, it's something I think all of us have done. I used to hit the bottle as soon as the kids went to bed, then earlier, then on my day off from the morning when the boys were at school. It just got worse. That's why I like this list so much, we can all help each other to get better and feel better about ourselves.

Take care,

Vicki x
We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world.

http://www.buddhist-temples.com/buddhism-facts/buddhist-quote.html

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warriorwoman
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by warriorwoman » 10 Mar 2011 09:51

Cherry and Kokoda

Thank you both so very much for your kind words of support,it truly helps me to feel not so alone right now. I am 35 and have spent my adult life being addicted to something,always something,eating,smoking weed,not eating,alcohol,exercise the list is endless but there is always something. I have stopped drinking every night now,its like 2 or 3 times a week but when i drink,i drink till i pass out and Cherry you hit the nail on the head with your words about being proud to be there sober for an emergency in the evening. I have made hot food when im so drunk and have no recollection till the next morning,i have not heard my youngest crying in the night cus i was passed out drunk (was only made aware when my neighbour pointed out that she had heard him crying for so long) so many shameful things...and these happened a year ago,and here i still am getting into the same state. My friends are losing the will now,i had 2 very close friends who have given up on me now,they just dont understand (rightfully so) why i would keep doing it over and over to my children. Anyway i need to not look back and try to look forward.
My plan is to apply to college to do an access course then do a 4 year part time degree,its a lot to take on but my life needs a serious overhaul and i need to get out and make new friends. Im scared that i cant do it though,im scared that who i am now will win and i will give up college and the new friends i make will also give up on me as they too despair with who i am. Im scared ive pickled my brain so much that i wont be able to learn new skills. Im scared of being alone for the rest of my life. Im so scared of everything and when i drink wine,for about half an hour i forget how scared i am and im the confident person i want to be (then i take it too far and get angry or emotional and pass out)
Im scared that i just dont know who i am anymore
Sorry for rambling

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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by thewho » 10 Mar 2011 10:38

warriorwoman, no need to apologise for rambling. first off, this drinking stuff has hit your self esteem and confidence a lot. moving away from friends, and having an ever changing role as a mum, which changes as the boys get older and need different support, well, its no suprise you're wondering who you are at times, without some of the significant pointers like oh, friends around to be 'shored' by.... an access course and uni, yes will be lifechanging, and very worthwhile doing, but it will be scary too at times, but definitely worth doing. have you applied yet? how about doing that soon? by starting to build a up something like the study will hopefully, nah definitely, get you through this patch!
thewho

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warriorwoman
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by warriorwoman » 10 Mar 2011 11:08

thewho

Thank you for your response :) Well yes,at the end of last year i sent off for a prospectus but then i had a few drink fuelled months over xmas so it kinda got pushed to one side,i went to fill out the application form yesterday and its covered in wine :oops: prob best not to send that one in ;) so i have called and requested another one,yes it is very scary as im sure it is for all mature ppl returning to education,but i have to do it really,feel the fear and do it anyway :)

Its hard to know whether my self esteem has been knocked because of my drinking or whether i drink because of my self esteem,i guess i could analyze it for hours and never really know,what i need to focus on is moving forward..it is so very hard sometimes being on my own with the boys and ive really isolated myself but you know there are ppl who are in a far much worse off position than me,im sure with a clearer head and as i start achieving things for me i will start to realize the blessed position i am actually in and stop hiding from everything,that is my hope anyway.

Thanks again <:)>

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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by thewho » 10 Mar 2011 12:03

:o wine coloured applicaiton form? you're not aiming for an art and design course are you and hoping to 'impress' with you wine splattering?!?

yep, it must be hard to be on your own with the boys, but I'm sure that on the access course and at uni there will be plenty of others in a similar situation.... plans for what to study at uni? Its competitive to get in at the mo, so may be worth talking to the uni admissions lot, or access tutor about what you can start doing now to make you a really really good applicant!! cos when you start the access course, you'll need to start applying, and some courses need work experience etc etc etc....

thewho

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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by warriorwoman » 10 Mar 2011 13:36

lol no,i doubt they would be impressed with half the page covered in red wine,i wasnt :x
Erm I want to do Occupational Therapy in Cardiff,i have spoken to Cardiff and know what they require of me,i hav spoke to the college and am aware that the access course is probably going to be a lot more hard going for a year than the 4 year degree,i have been speaking to ppl in a student forum about it all and am positive about it all,but then it all goes out the window when i then drink and lose several days. This is what worries me,that i wont stop and i will struggle to keep up,and eventually quit. I guess i just have to go for it.

The uni said the fact that i have NVQ level 3 already in care and have worked in a mental health setting (yes supporting others,i know,a joke) is in my favour,so i just have to apply and hope. Its all new to me though and Cardiff is over an hour commute away but its the only uni near that offers that course so we will see.

WW

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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by thewho » 11 Mar 2011 09:49

hi warriorwoman,

like cherry said, I'm impressed by how serious you've been taking this too! You know what, every 'mature' student returning to education has worries and anxieties about keeping up, issues around studying etc, so you're doing what all/most mature students do!!

anyway, catch up later

thewho

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warriorwoman
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by warriorwoman » 11 Mar 2011 11:12

Thank-you guys,it really spurs me on to hear your kind words you know,i am feeling more and more positive about things,anyway,am on my way out will be back later x x

WW

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Kokoda
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by Kokoda » 11 Mar 2011 13:05

Hi Warriorwoman,
warriorwoman wrote:The uni said the fact that i have NVQ level 3 already in care and have worked in a mental health setting (yes supporting others,i know,a joke) is in my favour,so i just have to apply and hope. Its all new to me though and Cardiff is over an hour commute away but its the only uni near that offers that course so we will see.

WW
I reckon it's great that you work in a mental health setting. One of the most important things for me in my current job, is to have understanding, compassion and empathy with my elderly people (aged care). I also have a great understanding of grief from my own loss a few years back, so I understand how my old dears and their family feel when they've lost someone. I have no doubt that you have the same compassion from what you've said in this post, and I reckon your course is perfect for someone like you who obviously cares and feels for people.

Hi Cherry,

I never did thank you for the post you did a while back (can't remember what I was ranting about, but it was one of many :) ) I'm doing okay, well on the AF front, the EAF almost caught me off guard today when I almost stopped automatically at the bottleshop as I used to do for my two bottles plus Friday night session. I hope you're well, too.

Take care

Vicki
We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world.

http://www.buddhist-temples.com/buddhism-facts/buddhist-quote.html

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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by Enfin » 14 Mar 2011 04:38

Hi all,

Warriorwoman - I'm so very proud of you, you've got guts and I have no doubt in the world that you won't achieve your goals. Your kids will look up to you as the "warriorwoman" for sure (::) (::)

When I first joined here in Jan I read every post in this thread and listened very carefully.
I understand what could happen to my relationship with my children if I continue drinking.

But throw your daggers at me if you like, I have a wonderful relationship with mine, always have,
despite my drinking, and that's not an illusion, it's a fact.

I am always there for them, we have fun together everyday, we cook together everynight, we're a very happy family and they never lack my attention. They tell me everyday I'm the coolest mum they know. We're a team.

They tell me stories about when they go to visit their friends houses, how the mums are always yelling and screaming, controlling to the point of brushing an 8yr olds teeth and humilating them in front of their friends.
Their friends are always at my house, everyday I have around 8 here, no probs for me, the more the merrier.

I put a lot of effort in, and I think that comes from the fact that my own mother died when I was 12, and I got up to a lot of mischief having to come home to an empty house. Hence I decided to stay at home.

My point is that I really think us alcoholics go to incredible lengths to make sure our kids are happy, despite our addiction and challenges and probably more so than the average mum, and we should be proud.

I'm not saying at all that we aren't better mums sober, but we should acknowledge that's there's heaps of shitty mums out there who don't put in half the effort we do, and probably should have a drink to chill out lol.

I personally don't carry any guilt about the raising of my kids, my only sin is destroying my health, which I'm fully committed to restoring (as much as I can) so god willing I get to see grandkids.

Go ahead, shoot me down if you like, all I know is my little family is very happy, compared to many others.

Just had to get that out, sorry <:)>
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. ( Nelson Mandela )

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warriorwoman
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by warriorwoman » 14 Mar 2011 10:52

wow i truly love this site,you are all such lovely people,i wish you were all closer to me so we could hang out :)

Very interesting post enfin (and thank you for being proud,i feel like im getting so much more support and encouragement on here than i do from anyone around me xx)

I think it sounds like you have an amazing relationship with your children and you must be very proud of that,no-body has the right to shoot you down for that,you are right,there are some dam awful parents out there and your children are lucky to have you.

For me though the wine makes my parenting skills suffer,the drinking at night albeit not in front of my youngest is definitely acknowledged by my 11 year old and i fear i am making him grow up too soon.

When i drink i have 1.5 - 2 bottles and i pass out and have left my boys vulnerable as if anything happened i would not wake. My hangovers are such that i dont do anything with them the next day and when i choose to drink i also choose to spend time talking to unsuitable men rather than doing things with my boys. Its not on and i know it.

BUT today i have decided to end the 'friendship' i have with a man,and get myself sorted,its sad as i dont want to hurt him but i think hes much more interested in the 'party girl' in me,which is not where i want to be at.

Hope everyone is ok,once again ive rambled on and not been of any support to anyone else,im sorry

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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by S-J » 14 Mar 2011 21:14

Kids are vulnerable and we are lucky to have them!
Aint that the truth SB! <:)>

On the whole I've done pretty well drink-wise this year - I didn't touch a drop for the first 6 weeks of 2011, and then just drank on a few occasions in February; birthday, valentines etc. Anyway, I felt it wasn't the way I wanted to go - sober is far better, so on shrove Tuesday I thought 'Right, Lent starts tomorrow which means another stab at abstinence.' So I got through a bottle of wine whilst pancake tossing, confused my little 3 year old by 'being all weird', felt guity as anything so of course downed another - just because I was back on the wagon the next day, and everything would ok again (stupid addictive voice). My OH wasn't impressed, and needless to say I woke up the next day full of self loathing.

The next evening, of course, I was stone cold sober. Day one of Lent. My little girl normally has milk before bedtime, but she asked for hot chocolate. So I thought I'd let her try some, her first ever hot drink. I mixed the cocoa with cold milk, and filled the rest of the beaker with hot milk from the pan - honestly thinking it wouldn't be too hot. I held it to her mouth, warning her to take a small sip as it would be hot. Being tired and the headstrong little madam she is though, she grabbed it off me, and spilt it all over her pyjamas burning her leg badly.

To cut a long story short, she screamed the house down, I tugged off her pyjama pants and pjs and ran into the bathroom to get a soaking wet flannel to put over the burn. My OH took over while I called NHS Direct, and to my horror they said they were sending an ambulance round and in the meantime could I put my daughter under a cold shower. So we spent last Wednesday in A&E, and my precious little girl has sustained second degree burns. The dressings have to be changed every other day, her leg has peeled and blistered and she's being very brave but she's in a lot of pain when the dressings are changed.

I was sober when it happened, but was my hungover mind thinking straight? When the paramedics came round, all I could think was 'Thank God this wasn't last night, social services would have been informed. What the hell have I become, what kind of parent am I ?' It was a major kick up the arse, And I thank my lucky stars she's going to be ok, fingers crossed there probably won't be any scarring. Day 6 into Lent, but I'm not counting this time, I don't plan to drink on Easter Sunday. Just eat mountains of chocolate!

Sorry that was a long one but I had to get it out. As SB said, kids are vulnerable. They deserve us to be consistent; not glassyeyed, weird, impatient, vague, giggly, morose, staggering around, forgetful, hungover, passed out. Just ourselves.

S-J x
"The beauty of life is finding the balance between peace and passion."

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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by warriorwoman » 15 Mar 2011 11:00

S-J
I hope your little'un is ok and i hope you are not beating yourself too bad. I find that being really open and sharing things on here is so helpful as its nice to 'get it out there' and im finding that ppl are so non-judgemental and often ppl will empathise more than you know as they too have been in similar situations. Imagine my horror at waking up to find i had decided to cook something,left the oven on and passed out AND THE SMOKE ALARMS WERE NOT WORKING AT THE TIME..it makes me cringe with shame it really does,countless times ive thought to myself 'my god if ppl knew then the boys would be put into care.' A few months ago i posted on here (drunk) wondering if thats what it was going to take to sort myself out. :oops:

A little ramble for everyone;
Well,there isnt a day when you wake up and everything is fixed and better,its an ongoing journey. All i know is,about 7 months ago i found this site,i was drinking every night and totally felt stuck,confused and unhappy,very very unhappy. This site has,and continues to help me more than i can ever find words to explain. The support and understanding i get from you guys is priceless. Its not easy and im by no means 'fixed' but i look back and see that my head is in a totally different place now,i no longer feel stuck. Yesterday i was so mad for various reasons,i have wine in the house and i didnt even touch it,it was a no brainer,i knew it wouldnt help. I have just filled out my application for college and have ridded myself of the man in my life who is only interested in the drunk party girl me...go team me!!! lol

I am feeling so much better but hey ive been here before,and somehow manage to come crashing down again,which is why im staying with you guys this time as i know you will catch me if i fall

Wow lol just a few thoughts for you there,i sure do know how to go off on a tangent ha ha

Marie :D
Hope you are all well today x x x

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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by Summerholiday » 15 Mar 2011 11:38

Hi. I have only posted a few times since I joined. But, I read threads everyday. This one has prompted me to post because it hits such a nerve with me.

It's interesting to think of our kids and what they think/ remember about our drinking. I try not to so much now, I like to focus on the future. However, things like this thread pop up now and again to make you return to those days. Those days when week after week my kids ate peanut butter sandwiches for lunch over and over, or, went school dinners and I ran such a big bill up kept forgetting to pay. They wouldn't talk to me in the mornings cos I'd be 'miserable mummy'. Actually it was trying to not throw up mummy, or stop my hands shaking mummy, or thinking please don't let me get stopped by the police mummy cos I'm still over the limit on the school run mummy.

Not signing school books. If I did help with reading I'd forget it. Asking if I needed one of my lie downs. Oh and a hundred other things.

It affected my kids, and I feel bad about that. It affected the whole family.

I can say it affected them because in the next week or so I'll have not touched alcohol for a whole year.

They now have a variety of sandwiches for lunch, and I don't owe the school any money. I don't have 'lie downs' anymore, and best of all I'm not miserable mummy any longer.

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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by Enfin » 15 Mar 2011 11:49

Hi all,

Cherry your post was inspiring as always, thank you.

S-J and Warriorwoman, thousands of mums without drinking addictions leave the stove on or accidently serve up drinks not quite cooled down enough, so no need to take on unnecessary mummy guilt, these things happen to the best of us.

But of course if we've been drinking it amplifies everything - the what if's? are never-ending and it's so very hard to forgive ourselves. I think for a lot of us mothers this is exactly what spurs us on to gain sobriety.

For me I decided to rebel against the family tradition of 3 generations of dying early and leaving young children behind. My own mother died at 47 from alcoholism (I was 12) and the thought of leaving my 4 young kiddies in the hands of their father is just too much to bear. So know matter how hard I'm struggling, I won't give in, I need to survive for their sakes. Addiction is so bloody selfish hey.

Warriorwoman - I'm in awe that you have wine in your house that you didn't open, that's no mean feat.
You must be thrilled to have completed your college application, paperwork takes me ages to get my head around. How did you let down your man ? Was he amicable about it ? Bravo for doing what feels right for you

Take care lovely ladies,
Sandy
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. ( Nelson Mandela )

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