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KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
Cate
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by Cate » 05 Jun 2012 10:14

I´ve just been listening to the video Lils and it´s brought so many emotions flooding.

I grew up with alcoholic parents. My stepfather died because of it and my Mother´s health is in a pretty bad way due to alcohol. Her head too I guess but I never really blamed her actions on the alcohol when I was I kid. I just thought she was a scary mad woman :? ( it wasn´t fun)
I always dreaded putting my kids through anything like the stuff my sister and I grew up with but here I am with a drinking problem. I like to think they haven´t suffered as I did. Well. I know they haven´t but deep down I´m a little scared about what they really do think about my drinking.

Pilurini - That must have been a bit of a wake up call for you. What a sensible young boy / man your son must be.
“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”
― Lao Tzu

pilurini
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by pilurini » 05 Jun 2012 11:00

Yes Cate , I still cry about that today, it haunts me and the day I didn't turn up with some costume he needed for the end of summer term show. I think that's why on days like today (still a bit depressed) even though he is now 23 nearly i feel like i am abandoning him. XXXAnyway it's great to be here and I am on the 7 day challenge.

Cate
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by Cate » 05 Jun 2012 11:57

<:)> Good for you Pilurini.
“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”
― Lao Tzu

littleone
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by littleone » 07 Jun 2012 04:30

I do know that I never engaged with my children out of anger, not sober, not corrective and most certainly not with drinking. My oldest son and I are breaking new ground with our relationship that we were separated from by his fathers manipulation and lies, and my son's insecurity. I have told him that I still drink in the evenings but I am doing much better with it. when he wrote back he said, No worries mom. I know what you have always been for me and it wasn't drinking, you were the only parent who cared about me. He knows what we lived through and he thanked me for staying as long as i did... He is 27 now and utilizing therapy to deal with his issues and the issues with his father. I am so proud of him.

OH, forced me in the beginning, but then since called my drinking a gateway drug because I was now a &%$@#^*

So it depends on how healthy the individual is to really gauge what a family member thinks about it, or if they really see the person behind the problem. I am learning that why for so long, I was worried about what people thought... Because I was listening to the wrong people, or the people who wronged me and forgiving them for doing me wrong. I am now listening to the people who are always doing better for themselves now and I value what they say about me, because I no longer am judged by my drink because I feel better about me which means I drink less. And improves me and the way I drink.

ElC94
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by ElC94 » 20 Aug 2013 18:52

Hi,
I think this is probably the best place to be posting this as I'm going to get the best advice.
I'm 18 years old and my mum's an alcoholic. It's been going on for as long as I can remember but it's getting progressively worse. She's affecting her health in a really awful way now- tremors, confusion, memory loss, loss of balance, etc.
I'm completely mentally and emotionally exhausted. I've done everything I can think of. We've had conversation after conversation about how badly it affects me, my younger brothers and especially my dad who has depression as it is.
I've tried being sympathetic, I've tried being angry, I've tried threatening, I've signed up to help forums, support groups, you name it, but it's getting me absolutely nowhere.
Last night, after an embarrassing incident at a family wedding, we had another argument about it and she let me make a doctors appointment for us both tomorrow to get her help. This isn't the first time she's been given medical help with it but I tried to remain optimistic. She then came home today with another bottle in her bag.
We used to be extremely close, she was my best friend. Now I'm resentful, bitter and feeling incredibly unloved when all I want is to help her and make my family happy.
Please, I really just need some advice from people who are going through this so I can be more understanding and hopefully, a more helpful daughter.

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MissCheese
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by MissCheese » 20 Aug 2013 19:43

Welcome to the forum EIC. So sorry to hear you are goung through this with your Mom, it is unfortunate that one of the problems that those of us with drink issues have is an inability to accept that we need help and to accept help when it is offered. Certainly it took my life falling apart for me to finally accept that I had a problem and then a little while later I accepted that I wasn't going to be able to kick the habit without extra help.

Have you got any family you can talk to about your Mom's problem?

Hopefully you'll get lots of great advice here.
MissCheese

ElC94
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by ElC94 » 20 Aug 2013 20:30

Thank you so much zoe and MissCheese, I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it is to talk to people who understand the situation.
As far as talking to family is concerned, it's not really an option. I try to leave my dad out of it as much as possible, he tried to kill himself in February and this is hard enough on him as it is. Her mum and dad are no use whatsoever and other family members try as hard as they can to ignore it.
She would hate me talking to other people about this so I can't really show her the forum but I will definitely contact Alateen, thank you for that.
I leave for university in five weeks and really just want thison the way to getting better so I don't have to worry about everyone at home so much.

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caroline95
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by caroline95 » 20 Aug 2013 21:16

ElC94 wrote:She would hate me talking to other people about this so I can't really show her the forum but I will definitely contact Alateen, thank you for that.
Blimey, that really struck a chord with me!I went to AlAnon once when I was desperate - my Mum often threatened to kill herself when she was drinking and I was at the end of my tether.I didn't dare tell her I'd told 'outsiders' about her situation because I was certain she'd go absolutely mental.

But some time later I did tell her, in yet another row, and yes, she did go mad - even wrote a letter disowning me - 'I no longer have a daughter' was one of the lines I still remember 30 years later.Thanks Mum :roll:

Yet when she'd calmed down, it did become a turning point for her, she was mortified for a while but something must have clicked somewhere.So don't feel you always have to shield her from how hard this is for you, and maybe she needs to know that she's not the only one suffering.It's so very hard I know, but you can't put your life on hold in the hope it will help her - only she can decide to take steps to change <:)>

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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by ElC94 » 10 Sep 2013 22:40

Me again.
Wish I didn't have to come back again but here we are!
Mum's in hospital for the second time since I last posted. She keeps admitting herself to a&e claiming she's having breakdowns when really she's just too drunk. She's been caught at work today aswell.
Dad had to haul her off the bedroom floor yesterday when she was too drunk to stand or speak.
The hospital gave her numbers to call the first time but she never did.
Where are we supposed to go from here? No both my parents aren't working and it's a week and a bit before I leave...

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caroline95
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by caroline95 » 10 Sep 2013 23:12

Hi ElC, I'm so sorry to hear things are no better with your Mum.It's a really crap situation to be in when you should be feeling excited and looking forward to life at Uni <:)>

I know I've said it before, but you can't put your future on hold - you've done your very best to help your Mum, but it's down to her now.At least she knows where to go/who phone if she does decide to do something about her drinking, but painful though it is to accept, you can't make her want to change.

It must be a nightmare for you right now - how are you coping?

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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by ElC94 » 10 Sep 2013 23:20

I'm just worried. This is all getting too hard for my dad and once I'm gone it's only going to get worse. It seems to unfair to let them carry on struggling whilst I move on.

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caroline95
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by caroline95 » 10 Sep 2013 23:30

I remember feeling exactly like that.But looking back, I think I knew that nothing would change if I stayed and now I'm older I can see that what wasn't fair was that I was being put in the position of being the parent.That's the thing - none of this is fair on anyone, but the ability to put things right doesn't lie with you.I wish there was something I could say that would help you worry less, but sadly I can's see how you could have done any more than you already have <:)>

jaxom5

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by jaxom5 » 10 Sep 2013 23:33

EIC, Caroline is so right. You have to live your life. I can only speak for myself as a Dad but if I was in your Dad's situation then no matter how much I was struggling I would want my daughter (and I have an adult one) to go out into the world and live her life. That is what right-minded parents want for their children. Nothing can make you stop worrying, of course it can't, but please don't take any guilt with you. You have done everything possible for your Mum. The rest is up to her. Your Dad needs to know this too.

Dave

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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by pollydolly » 20 Sep 2013 22:18

sometimes i feel i only have happy times with my daughter in the eves when iv had my first drink. other than that im too stressed and tired. i hate myself for it.

i love her so much, have never hurt her, im just always too tired or too stressed otherwise.

anyone else get this. im not sober yet. i just want to be

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Tired Trying
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by Tired Trying » 06 Jan 2014 21:17

I had posted this on the 7 day thread as there are a few people who have young kids but it is appropriate for here, I would think.

Now....the kids.....when they were babies/toddlers they didn't really know so no probs, then as they got a bit older it became that we would send them to the kitchen to fetch our drinks, then we taught them how to open bottles. For years the kids thought it was so clever that they could do all that.

They are now 22 and 19, my son has a flat of his own, he rarely drinks. Latterly before he moved out he would just shake his head at us and he certainly wouldn't go get you a drink. My daughter is the same now, she has even mentioned that at least I am trying to stop while her father is still very much in denial. She called me one night as she had went into his flat to find him comatose n the couch. The next day he hadn't even known she had been there even though she managed to rouse and speak to him briefly. She called me breaking her heart about the state he was in. (She did, however, once pick me up off the drive which the day after that I found BE).

It grieves me that in years to come their memories will be of us permanently sitting with glasses in our hands...at home (every night), on cruise holidays, on canal boat holidays, family gatherings, sports events etc etc. It would be nice to be able to go back and change that, it is too late for that which is why the future must change (from me anyway if not their dad). I don't want them to be embarassed, hate or pity me in years to come.
Shoulder to the wind.

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Sandy
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by Sandy » 07 Jan 2014 20:15

Fantastic post Pink and I can relate to every word.
Tired its never too late, I got sober for both me and my kids.
My sobriety has changed their lives as well as my own.

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Tired Trying
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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by Tired Trying » 07 Jan 2014 22:15

Thanks Pink Panther and Sandy.

I can already see my daughter being happier and interacting more. My son works away a lot so next time he is back and we go for something to eat it will be good to have it with AF drinks.

Just wish my ex could stop but in his mind he doesn't have a problem.
Shoulder to the wind.

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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by Tipzy » 06 Jan 2016 09:22

ElC94 wrote:I'm just worried. This is all getting too hard for my dad and once I'm gone it's only going to get worse. It seems to unfair to let them carry on struggling whilst I move on.

I know this was years ago but does anyone know how this panned out?

That poor girl.... :(

I've never really spoken to my children about 'it'. I don't look / act like an alchie, I would wake early every day, be happy and bouncy and sort everyone out for work / school... When they got home I'd be happy and bouncy and cooking dinner (with a glass in my hand).

Life was fun and fast and I would always start drinking at 3pm and as far as I know the children (eldest now 24, youngest is 12) haven't been effected by my drinking.

I haven't asked them.... I think I will once I have been dry for a month.

I do know they are aware and fed up of their Dad drinking though as he simply sits and drinks and either watches TV or plays computer games. So to them the beer makes him a lump....

I have a feeling when I speak to them they will be shocked I am an alcoholic, I function so well (too well) on the wine.. we'll see... goodness I may be in for a shock eh?
Drunk from 1986..... Sober since 25/12/2015

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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by Tipzy » 06 Jan 2016 11:39

I PM'd ElC94 and have heard back from her...

Why is it alcohol can be such a evil entity for some of us? Makes me feel dead stupid for falling for the lure.... am so glad I decided to kick the habit.. even if it is only day 12 so far... That's 12 days more than I have ever done in 30 years.
Drunk from 1986..... Sober since 25/12/2015

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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Post by Fondue2016 » 11 Jan 2016 02:58

Hi Tipzy!

I just read your post and can relate in a different way with my kids!

You said "I fonction so well with wine". Do you...did you?!

I will say I kept it well hidden from my two too....I thought so but it seems now they found my hidden bottles and threw away the lefts of them without me even realizing that I had "lost" them! My daughter knew I had been drinking just by my eyes. My son never said anything. My daughter neither and both just kept out of my way!

When I went for treatment early summer, my Ex told them and they were actually happy I was doing something. He was supportive too telling me to take my time and not stress with our shared guard (they live with him).

So when the other day, when I said I was popping to the shop for some milk and sugar, and when my daughter said "get what is on the list and nothing else" I understand she still didn't trust me! So I sat down with her and told her it had been 6 months with no OH and that I was going regularly to take medication on which I could not drink at all even if I wanted to. Since she has been so happy and chatty and now trusts me! Although my son asks no questions, she informs her little brother so I will not disturb him more unless he asks!

They were with me this weekend and asked what I was always reading on my mobile.So I told them about the site! They just smiled and found it funny that I blog even!! All good!

So Tipzy, it may be hard and hard to imagine but they may actually already know and be happy like my two that you are dealing with it! Kids are far from stupid and are very very observant little buggers even when we don't realize it!!

Keep us up to date how it goes and wish you all the best! Honest!

So good luck! Hugs <:)>
Fondue ;)?

"Sobriety delivers everything alcohol promised".

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