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Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 17 Jan 2016 01:48
by Eloise
My son is a diamond. He has never berated me for my drinking - even when I've been drunk and he's had friends round.

For some reason I'm seen as the 'cool mum' among his friends - I think it's because I don't 'try' to be cool etc and basically let them get on with it! I try not to drink when he has friends round but haven't always been successful.

He wanted to have friends to stay on Friday but I said no as I wanted to drink. I've told him they can stay in two weeks time - that gives me a couple of weeks to get over the initial stages - plus in the past I've found 'visuals' like notes around the place help me and I don't really want his friends to see them.

The problem is he has heard me say many times before I'm going to stop so why should he believe me this time?

I screwed up a holiday we had in summer 2014 (an activity holiday in France and Italy .... I managed to cross white water rafting off my bucket list). I had hoped 2 weeks away would help with the drinking - it did but the wrong way!! Wine was 1 euro a glass so I spent most nights pie-eyed.

I will do it this time though, both for him and me. He will be off to Uni or drama school in Autumn 2017 and I want him to want to come back home to visit and not worry about me

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel dabout your drinking

Posted: 05 May 2016 07:44
by chriscole
During a blackout i apparently threw my phone at my daughters leg, causing a small bruise. She has showed it at school & now the school has rung my wife about it.
They are right to do so but i am now scared what is going to happen, social services or what?

Its made me hate myself so much & guess what im drinking because of it, life is in ruins

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 05 May 2016 08:07
by Topcat
Drew <:)> I feel for you in this. I too did some awful things whilst under the influence. The thing is though, we cannot undo what has been done, but we can do our utmost to ensure that it never happens again. It is in your hands to stop this now Drew. Nobody else can stop your drinking for you....you have to make that decision and, more importantly, stick to it ... no matter what life throws at you.

Get some professional help and work with them to beat this Drew <:)>

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 05 May 2016 08:07
by DannyD
Drew you are going to have to decide what you love more, alcohol or your family.

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 05 May 2016 09:17
by pickles
Drew/cc , a couple of times my OH would come home and I would be passed out on the sofa , with my daughter still up ,4 yrs old, . She could have helped herself to the kitchen draws , climbed on things ,but she would be sitting by me with her hand on my head . Once she wanted to take my temperature , what OH had told me . She also put herself to bed ,she could have had an accident then .

I was threatened with social services , the place where daughter went for tests ,there was a woman who was suspicious of me and had rung them . That was a start of a wake up call , didn't work straight away but it did start it .

Two days ago my daughter brought up the conversation of the time I crashed the car ( 2008) . She still remembers what happened , they always will .

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 05 May 2016 10:05
by DannyD
Pickles that was a very brave post. My children don't talk about my drinking. But I think it bothers them that I might slip down that slippery snake again very quickly if I start.

Drew it's not easy. But you have done dry January and dry October in the past. I see you as someone who tries to blame everyone and everything else for your problems. A "I'll keep drinking, then it's not my fault if I get caught for drunken driving" sort of attitude. Or "I've bought all the books and watched all the films" but can't stop. Sooner or later, you may have to do the hard work, unless it gets so bad that something awful (that you'll always regret) happens, they lock you up and throw away the key. Then you might have to do without alcohol. No one, especially people on BE who understand the struggles and the pitfalls, no one wants to see anything happen because you can't get hold of this. It's a mindset. Stop thinking about where to get the next drink and just say no. Take control. Drink Lucozade. Anything, but alcohol. And start now, not tomorrow, or the next day, but now.

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 05 May 2016 10:17
by Topcat
Pickles - that's a very brave post. Thank you for sharing.....cannot have been easy <:)> <:)>

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 05 May 2016 10:26
by Lush4life
Yes can only echo all that's been said, kids certainly know when u been drinking, my daughter, then eight wouldn't come near me and just gravitate towards her father, they miss nothing!! She is now 15 and we get on just fine and my eldest daughter entrusts me twice a week to look after her baby, something I thought I would never b well enough to do, how great is that, a new life that hopefully will never see her nan drinking. Drew, I wish u strength and courage, it can b done, I sunk way too far but somehow with professional help I am well, one day at a time, take care, kim

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 05 May 2016 12:39
by chriscole
Thanks for all your words & time

Oh my crap though, my wife called & said the school has social workers coming to talk to her & my poor daughter alone.

Im shitting myself,what have i done

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 05 May 2016 13:25
by pickles
are they coming to speak with your wife and daughter today ? If you are at work, try to keep busy not to think about it . It's difficult , I understand . Maybe try to leave work early ,no drinking, to get home to your family .
The people who came to help out with my daughter were from social services. They used to come to the house once a week to speak with us and work with daughter , for about an hour . At first I was very scared to put a foot wrong ,but then I wanted to prove them wrong . That I was capable .

The woman who reported me, worked/ works just by the hospital I was in, and she did want to speak with me to ask me what I was going to do about my drinking. I did deny that I was,but it was kind of obvious . I explained that I would do something about it . They still reported me though .

We will have to go to have further tests with daughter in a couple of weeks . The same woman will be there, the one who reported me . This time I will not worry about what she thinks , as I know in myself that OH and I do as best we can for our daughter .

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 05 May 2016 13:35
by pickles
https://www.google.be/search?q=how+soci ... oholics+uk

https://www.beds.ac.uk/__data/assets/pd ... ies-v2.pdf

Try finding something here.

I can't hang around, my dog has just raided the bin! Daughter has a friend over too. That is something I can be trusted with these days, daughter having a friend over.


Edit : Danny and TC , thank you <:)>

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 05 May 2016 17:15
by DannyD
I've been thinking about you Drew. Before I stopped drinking I was desperate for help. I would ask the doctor who would simply say "stop drinking" and refer me to counsellors. They would talk about feelings, but didn't really help - mostly because I was still drinking I suppose. I think this might be where you're at. Want to stop, want someone to help, asking us for help and all we can say is "stop drinking." It's not easy, but it is that simple. Sadly, it wasn't until I got through to the other side, that I realised how true it is. Just stop drinking.

To do that, I had to put plans into place. I never for one moment wanted to give up for ever - that was a step too far. I enjoyed drink. It was my friend. It hid the bad things and made the good times rosy. But, step by step and day by day I ticked off time until I didn't want to drink again.

I guess this is where you're at. Desperate to stop - but not for ever - don't know how, and want help. Put coping plans into place. Be honest with people. Don't buy the drink. It's difficult. Have a go, why not? At this moment, you might have a lot to lose.

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 07 May 2016 18:09
by faith2be
Hi Drew,
At one point, I had visits from the child authorities. A teacher tipped them off, not re my drinking (I'd somehow managed to hide that from school, although a couple of village people have on occasion found me in some awful conditions) but due to problems between my then new OH and my daughter. Anyway, it scared the bejeezus out of me, because here once they start sniffing around they seem to have one aim and that is not to help families, but to put kids in foster care. It has happened to several around here, and legal battles have ensued.

Anyway. The bottom line is (and you yourself have bravely and honestly admitted) that you are not a nice drunk (few of us are..). That's fact 1. Fact 2 is that you keep drinking to excess, and certainly at weekends, which is prime family time. Fact 1 + 2 = matter of time before it explodes in your face. This is the stark reality, and you admitted you are afraid right now. OK - time to breathe, and make a plan, like Danny and Pickles say.

Now, your wife is still with you. She could have left you years ago, but hasn't. So she has a motivation to stay with you, and to keep your family together. I didn't keep my family together, and it tears your guts out as the kids grow up with split homes. Please take heed of my experience. Nothing is ever really "good" again. Christmas, birthdays etc - they all are irreversibly spoilt. They can be OK, but not what we really want.

So. We can assume your wife wants you in her life. And we can assume that she wants you as the CC she married, not a nasty weekend drunk. So it's safe to bet that she will go very far to help you. It sounds to me you two do a lot of fighting - could you come clean with her, and actually enlist her help - instead of invoking her wrath. I have learned from sessions with Tobin that compassion is the key here. You need her to feel some compassion with you, you need to feel and express compassion for your wife, and you need to give yourself some of it too. In this position, you become stronger. Then you ask her to help you cut drinking. If she is not actively preventing you from drinking, isn't this a bit enabling? Could you ask her to ride this out with you? Ask her to take your wallet so you can't buy anything, and to either lock up the beers, or dole a measured amount out, depending how you are re. withdrawals.

If the issue comes up with social workers re your drink, you are going to have to make some very stark choices. Are you going to actively make recovery happen or are you going to let your family be torn apart. Because I believe they will, if they suspect a parent is in blackout around minors.

I would like to support Pickle's brave post, and also just to express solidarity and that I am speaking from the trenches, not from above. I have also been drunk in charge of children (and animals; also all at the same time). There have been blackouts galore. Like you, Drew - I suffer from blackouts. I have them almost every time I drink. This actually is a sign that there is something very wrong. It's not normal to have blackouts.

There is no two ways about it. You urgently need to cut out the booze. not cut down, just get off it. Doesn't need to be forever, but for the short term. One day. Another day.
Just do it.
Please???

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 09 May 2016 14:49
by chriscole
Wrote a big reply but lost it.

Thanks everyone
Shaky hands but i dont wank to drink today

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 09 May 2016 14:52
by DannyD
Well done Drew. That's all you need to know today. That you don't want to drink.

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 09 May 2016 17:25
by llh
chriscole wrote:Wrote a big reply but lost it.

Thanks everyone
Shaky hands but i dont wank to drink today
Hi Chris, just extending my support. Hope you get through today. Waking up clear headed is a wonderful thing.

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 09 May 2016 18:56
by chriscole
Thank yo

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 09 May 2016 19:20
by Sarah12
Chris...

You need to do what you need to do. It is not going to be easy any which way. Think it seriously through...

Your child's safety must be the priority of your wife and social services. Im sure deep down it's yours too but if you're blacking out, some one else needs to take control and ensure she is safe.

Like many of us, you are truly addicted. Many need drug based help as well as talking support and commitment.

Antabuse may give you s hand to get things going in the right direction... give it some thought.

Pickles. ...well done. Brave post. And you're out the other side. F2b too. Chris you could do this .... you're self esteem can only get better.

X

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 09 May 2016 22:22
by chriscole
thanks sarah
ive been on antabuse before and things didnt work out too well
ive also been on campral and naltrexone

i just need to see more pleasure in not drinking than drinking

day 1 almost done

Re: KIDS/FAMILIES - how do they feel about your drinking

Posted: 11 May 2016 16:21
by chriscole
Great, now social services want to visit the house,nursery school for 3 months.

Now its bound to get out in gossipland