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is drinking wrecking your relationship with your partner?

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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Alex
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Marriage

Post by Alex » 22 Feb 2008 14:24

Is there anyone out there who is in a long term relationship/marriage and still drinks? I am married a "very young 49" have a very loving husband who cannot understand why I am destroying myself. My friends know " I love to have a drink" but not to the extent that I do!!1 I think I have many demons and a lot of guilt and having read all the articles on the Bright Eye site... I have decided that I am angry and disapponted and somewhat bored with the way my life has become. But many would see it as ideal, loving husband, 2 gorgeous pups, nice friends etc. :) Its just that we rarely go out, I cannot speak honestly without it turning into a confrontation, he feels that he tries his hardest which he does, so he feels I am constantly getting at him. what to do eh? reach for the chablis/pino/chenin...or whatever the gargage has thats not too expensive.

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ika
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Re: Marriage

Post by ika » 24 Feb 2008 10:09

Hi

I was in married and was drinking until recently .. My husband was always on my case for drinking and I was always saying to him that he is not doing enough .. for me he did not want to go out .. etc.. Then at one point my mom said to me why are you waiting for him to create your life for you go out with kids go out by yourself and then he will join in when he will see that you are your ownperson I stopped drinking then for about 4 years and took her advice ... in fact it was him then that had a problem adjustig to new me but he did ... and we had quite nice life after that ... X
Gliding is an impression ...under the water the little legs have to work very hard

ForMyHusband
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Re: Marriage

Post by ForMyHusband » 27 Feb 2008 11:01

Hi guys, ;)

I'm new, but I have a feeling I am going to be posting on this site quite a lot!

Alex:
Well as you can probably tell from my name - I am married, but only for just over a year (I am 30).
I definitely have a drinking problem, been getting worse over the last 2 years or so...
You are in no way alone.

ika:
It is so heartwarming to hear your story, I think that is what I need to do - go out and have my own life!
I have already started to take steps, but it's such a long process, I think it is so difficult for non-alkies to have the patience or to understand.

My husband is extremely frustrated and angry with me due to my drinking, yet he refuses to leave me first for some reason.
He doesn't trust me anymore and claims that I can't possibly love him for being this way.
This breaks my heart, so why can't I get better?

In some ways I am angry with him for not understanding, but how can he?
If I had £1 for everytime I promised to change and get better, I think I would be a millionaire right now lol.

I had toyed with the idea of going to AA. But I'm too much of an atheist to be honest and perceived the AA as swapping one addiction for the other.
I just want to be able to drink normally.

It's so comforting to read all the posts on these forums. At least I don't feel alone, can be honest and not feel guilty.
I think the guilt plays a major part in the relapse process for me. Drink, shame, lies, promises.... drink..
Hopefully, with the support of others like me, I can conquer this!

What I would like to ask is .. are there any spouses out there who are married to a person with a drink problem?
Do you have any advice for my hubby to help him through my recovery process?
Also, to my fellow drinkers.. can you offer any words of wisdom? It might mean more coming from a neutral source!

I really care about my husband and want to help him to help me.

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Jan
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Re: Marriage

Post by Jan » 27 Feb 2008 11:34

Hello Good Wife,
This is just a quick note because I have to dash out. But my first thought is to buy some Kudzu (holland and barrett stock it for £9.99). It has worked for many people here not least of all me. It takes away the craving for a drink and the pleasure from drinking. You can override it and still go on a bender if you need to - but it should kick start your desire to cut down or stop drinking. It's a herbal concoction and more information can be found on the main Bright Eye site.

More later......
Must dash.

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Jan
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Re: Marriage

Post by Jan » 27 Feb 2008 19:13

Hello again Good Wife,
I am sorry I had to dash out earlier but my thoughts were with you.

The first thing I gathered from your post is that your husband loves you. Truly. Your comment "yet he refuses to leave me first for some reason" sounds as if you are trying to make him leave - perhaps because you feel not worthy of his love? I don't know but the impression I get is that you are both nuts about each other. He loves you and you love him; therefore you don't need to go out and find a life for yourself. Enjoy the one you have - you lucky girl.

You can conquer this. Take it a day at a time - and help yourself. I can imagine it being very hard for your husband to help you. He looks up to you, thinks of you as the stronger one.

"claims that I can't possibly love him for being this way." Note: it is not the other way around. It does not read 'He can't possibly love me for being this way'.

I think your marriage is strong, stronger than you think. And you are the stronger in the relationship (especially in your husbands eyes). Maybe this is why it hurts him, to see this perceived weakness in his beloved.

So Good Wife, I am no expert, but if I was you I would buy some Kudzu and try really really hard to cut down with the drinking. Don't let it take over your lovely life with your lovely husband. Stop feeling guilty, stop feeling shame. Feel positive that you have taken a huge leap forward by writing down your fears and thus confronting them. Feel positive that your husband loves the ground you walk on. Feel good about taking this huge step, one day at a time, and before you know it, well, all will be well.

You can do this. You may have to start off without hubbies support but once you are on a roll, so to speak, he will be right behind you. He will stop seeing it as a weakness and recognise the strength within you.

We are all here for you. Whatever happens you will have a mate here. So don't stop posting. Let us all know how you are doing (good or bad). There is no shame here, no guilt, no bad feelings - just help and happiness, tea and sympathy, whatever you need....

Big Hug,
Jan

ForMyHusband
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Re: Marriage

Post by ForMyHusband » 27 Feb 2008 19:32

Jan,

I don't know what else to say but "thank you"!
Your words are kind.

I will keep posting...

:D

Mrs Daniel Craig
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Re: Marriage

Post by Mrs Daniel Craig » 29 Feb 2008 13:08

Formyhusband <:)>

I have just read this <quote>What I would like to ask is .. are there any spouses out there who are married to a person with a drink problem?
</quote>

I am an alcoholic who is married to an alcoholic and it is difficult. I cannot stand the man when he is drinking and he drinks every night.

Although I cannot stand me when I have been drinking and I also drink almost every night! :o . It disgusts me being an alcoholic but I think you need to think about yourself and not him.

I could tell you lots of tales of what has gone on in my marriage that has attributed to the drink.

The first thing you must realise is that you are responsible for your drinking and nothing he can do can make you stop it. You have to stop because you want to. Not because you feel unworthy of his love or whatever. Believe me you love them despite the drinking I still love my OH despite the drinking.

I am trying to cut down drinking and it is really hard. I have fallen of the wagon a few times in the last few weeks but keep picking myself up and dusting myself off and believe me it does get easier. On Wednesday I dropped a bottle of wine and smashed it off the ground. OH had to remind me of it last night.

Last night I stopped drinking as I hated myself for it.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that you are still you despite your drinking. Your husband will still love you but you have to quit for you, not coz he is telling you.

Keep here as I am trying to quit so perhaps we could support each other <:)>

lol

MDC

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MDS1
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Re: Marriage

Post by MDS1 » 29 Feb 2008 13:14

Wise words MDC,

Thanks. <:)>
Marcus Duane Stokes with the IQ of One

Mrs Daniel Craig
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Re: Marriage

Post by Mrs Daniel Craig » 29 Feb 2008 14:21

Thank you,

I was actually coming back to re-read the post as I thought that I was rambling on! I am glad you managed to make sense of it.

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MDS1
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Re: Marriage

Post by MDS1 » 29 Feb 2008 14:42

Join us on the daily page, 29 February, we have a friend you could help maybe.
Marcus Duane Stokes with the IQ of One

Mrs Daniel Craig
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Re: Marriage

Post by Mrs Daniel Craig » 07 Mar 2008 09:12

Morning All <:)>

I haven/t posted this week as funnily enough I have been having a good week and really cutting down.

Every night this week I have managed on one can/one glass of wine per night. Whilst not total abstinance it is a step in the right direction.

On Wednesday I sat and watched my OH guzzling on a litre of wine (I poured two glasses), and a quarter bottle of whisky and a few cans.

I poured two glasses of wine but when I was going to bed realised I had left one can on the floor which I tipped down the sink.

That was until last night when I hit the whisky!!had two maybe three shots of whisky and two cans of lager and a glass of wine and was roaring.

To top it all I had a big fight with OH in front of the kids about my drinking. I started screaming that the reason he liked me drinking with him was that I am easier to control when I am drunk - he can hit the guilt and waste of space lines and I accept then easier when i am drunk. This morning I got the you drunk most of that whisky and then tell me you dont want me.

I am beginning to realise that to sober up I think I need to seriously consider a life apart from my alcoholic OH.

:x which really is to much to cope with/

MDC

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Cheryl
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Re: Marriage

Post by Cheryl » 07 Mar 2008 09:30

Morning MDC,
I too lived with an alcoholic husband (he passed away 3yrs ago) he was very violent towards me when drinking,he accused ME of being an 'old sop'
We used to have many in fact daily arguments about nothing really,I drank more to handle the situations,and as his health was deteriorating rapidly felt that I had no choice but to stay with him...I still loved the man I married,Not the monster that drink had turned him into...
It is hard enough to fight this on your own,but when another person is the same its a double edged sword!
I dont know the answer,had my hubby not been ill with his health,I would have probably left him,if only to try to shock him into the fact that he was destroying what little was left of our marriage,
That option was not given to me,and after his death I missed him terribly (still do!)
But I think that you have to do this for yourself,when you can think straight again and watch the self destruction of you both,you will be able to make decisions,Maybe he will join you,maybe not,but sometimes it takes a good hard shock to change lifes failings,I wish you all the luck in the world..and hope things work out for you both....

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Jan
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Re: Marriage

Post by Jan » 07 Mar 2008 09:35

Hi Mrs D,
Well done for cutting down.

I too am married to a man who drinks far more than me. Luckily he doesn't get aggressive or gobby - just a bit daft and giggly. I know he has a problem but I figure I'll sort myself out first and then deal with him.

However, since I cut down big time - so has he! I have told him that I'm on a diet and that I drink too much. We never discussed his problem but it obviously sunk in for I notice he too has cut down.

Stay off the whisky. It is obviously a trigger for a fight. You don't need to decide between the booze and the husband. That's a crappy choice. Ditch the booze and sort yourself out - and then you can work on dearly beloved, who looks like Daniel Craig.

I think if one of you is drunk the fights arent as "out of control" as when both of you are drunk. That's when it really kicks off and gets stupid. If one of you stays sober you can watch over the other one and deal with the problems as they arise.

Good luck Mrs D - and well done, one again, for really trying on this one. Don't give up on him yet!
<:)>

Mrs Daniel Craig
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Re: Marriage

Post by Mrs Daniel Craig » 07 Mar 2008 13:09

thanks for all your support. Needless to say the txts have been flying today all about my drinking excesively and how he does not. :?:

Stay off the whisky - stay of the alcohol. Stay away from him.

I am just so angry with myself for drinking last night and I feel so bloomin mad at myself as he is just dismissing how I feel as you were drunk which suggests to me that I am right that if I am drinking he can control me with just the booze talking listen to you your drunk and that is why he keeps buying alcohol in, offering me drink etc. If I am sober I am not that controlled person.

But basically I am taking the advice of quite the drink and the rest will fall in place. As for him - well its up to him but my children deserve better than two drunk fighting parents.

Thanks for all your support I really do appreciate it all! <hug>

By the way he looks nothing like Daniel Crain - then name is just wishful thinking ;) .

MDC

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byron
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Re: Marriage

Post by byron » 08 Mar 2008 11:11

hello Mrs DC

Well you hit the nail on the head about the children not need two parents that are not there for them. You clearly have a strong will to be able to cut down the way you have with your husband drinking in front of you. No wonder you slipped.

but that was then and today is another day. have you read the general posts? many of us are going to try go without alcohol altogether for one week. that is the goal. starting today. Why not join us on the journey. I have no idea how I will do as I normally fall down around day two or three :(
But hey im up for it.

have you spoken to any support agencies that offer help to people with alcoholic partners? it may be worth a chat at least. All support groups AA , turning point, Dias, etc offer partner support.

Anyway we are here in any event so keep strong Mrs DC you will be the winner in the long run. <:)>

Julie
Action is the antidote to despair.

Patrick
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Re: Marriage

Post by Patrick » 25 Mar 2008 17:23

Hi Alex,

We could be mirror images of each other. I'm a married guy, aged 50 (also very young) who has been drinking too much for a long time. But my wife loves me, and is hanging in there with me. This morning she told me to shape up, get some help, or whatever it takes to make a change. So I'm trying this forum. I'll wish you luck if you'll do the same for me. Hang in there! I feel very confident I can do this!

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Tessa
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Re: Marriage

Post by Tessa » 25 Mar 2008 17:32

Hi Patrick
Welcome to BE...I am sure you will feel at home in no time at all....I hope this will bring as much help and support (and laughs) to you as it has for all of us. Fancy a coffee over at Cheryls Diner??? Come and join us on the other threads if you have a bit of time...
Tessa xx
Life is full of Kings and Queens, who blind your eyes then steal your dreams..

Patrick
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Re: Marriage

Post by Patrick » 25 Mar 2008 18:58

Thanks for the warm welcome...what's Cheryls Diner?

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Andiel
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Re: Marriage

Post by Andiel » 28 Mar 2008 00:20

Hi to all,
Kinda new around here but definitely not new in everything you say :D In my 50's and been married 30 years. Also have a husband that drinks a lot. I do think I drink more than he does, although on occasionally he does more than me. I really, really do need to stop, but it makes it very hard when I see him relax with a drink. He is a nice man, never abusive, only tends to talk about the things that hurt me most when we are amongst people where he knows I will never cause a scene. However, looking at the abuse others have to go through, I suppose it is the least.
This is a wonderful site and wonderful to be able to hide nothing :) I think it is the first time ever that I've said it in words that I really have a drinking problem. I don't get withdrawal symptoms and can stop for 5 or 6 days, but then I feel "down" or "upset" or whatever reason I can find to take a drink. Once I start I can't stop before the bottle is empty. Before I used to pour it into a glass and enjoy the drink in front of the TV, these days I tend to try and hide how much I drink and walk to the cabinet and have the drink straight from the bottle. Good grief, it shocks me to even read what I'm writing :)
I do the most unbelievable things when drunk and when I wake up I am stunned at what I'd done, that's of course if I even remember anything. I used to be fun when drunk, but find I get more and more aggressive now. This is really bad for my marriage.
Thanks guys, it was great to be able to get this off my chest.

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byron
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Re: Marriage

Post by byron » 28 Mar 2008 06:00

Hello Andiel

I very much related to your post. It was always not to difficult for me also to go 5-6 days between drink if I wanted to and did do that regularly. I have never had any withdrawl sympotoms but my day fives were usually a downer (prob withdrawl in itself and would always drink by day six)My goal is to achieve abstenence. If I have one drink I need more and more. I have no control. The months leading up to my decision to stop I was, drinking most nights and certainly every other night.
I have slept walked followingt alcohol, huge rows with my OH, been put to bed by my older children , the list goes on. so I cannot ever risk another drink again.

My relationship is also no bed of roses and similarly to you my OH tends to be ok until we are in company and then I am ignored, or insulted. He lives in my sitting room (he cant bring himself to leave and I cant bring myself to tell him to go). A lot of our problems are of a result of my drinking and others are more fundemental than that.

my last drink was 23 days ago. I would like to say things have improved since then - for the relationship no, but for myself and my wonderful children - yes ofcourse things have changed almost beyond recognition and it is great. I think the problems within my relationship run deeper than alcohol but we are here and while ever together we can still keep trying.

Lovely to meet you Andiel and welcome to BE - have you posted on the new members thread? please do , lots of very wonderful people would like to say hello.

Julie
Action is the antidote to despair.

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