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Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
LittleBigDave

My Girlfriend - A horrible story...

Post by LittleBigDave » 10 Jun 2008 21:51

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Last edited by LittleBigDave on 31 Jul 2008 13:33, edited 1 time in total.

becca4
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Re: My Girlfriend - A horrible story...

Post by becca4 » 10 Jun 2008 22:12

The facts,
when we are alcoholic we seek out enablers. people who will enable us to continue drinking. your girlfriend is just such a person, you love her and want to protect her. if you really love her and want to help her undo all this harm you must be sober, that is the basic and undeniable truth. If you stay with her and continue to drink then the damage she has already received will just be compounded. She is a victim and will stay a victim unless she can become a survivor, your drinking will just compound her problems unless you can both move on together. if you cant stop then let her go. she has been through enough.
beck

LittleBigDave

Re: My Girlfriend - A horrible story...

Post by LittleBigDave » 10 Jun 2008 22:21

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Last edited by LittleBigDave on 03 Jul 2011 12:00, edited 1 time in total.

LittleBigDave

Re: My Girlfriend - A horrible story...

Post by LittleBigDave » 10 Jun 2008 23:08

becca4 wrote:The facts,
when we are alcoholic we seek out enablers. people who will enable us to continue drinking. your girlfriend is just such a person, you love her and want to protect her. if you really love her and want to help her undo all this harm you must be sober, that is the basic and undeniable truth. If you stay with her and continue to drink then the damage she has already received will just be compounded. She is a victim and will stay a victim unless she can become a survivor, your drinking will just compound her problems unless you can both move on together. if you cant stop then let her go. she has been through enough.
beck
Hmmmm... I get what you are saying but to be fair I met my girlfriend years ago (but we only started dating this year) when we were both young and I wasn't in the state I am now. I wasn't 'seeking out an enabler'.

I do agree that my drinking is detrimental to her, I and our relationship, but she has already become a survivor. Not long ago she didn't dare leave the house alone, and never after dark. Now she attends university, has a social life and is getting stronger everyday.

Her problems FAR outweigh anything I have ever been through, and I would never wish to increase them, but so far I haven't and that is why I am trying. I am not going to 'let her go' just because I also have stuff to deal with. That would be like her finishing with me because her problems impact on our relationship.

LittleBigDave

Re: My Girlfriend - A horrible story...

Post by LittleBigDave » 10 Jun 2008 23:36

HIGH HOPES wrote:Dave

I am here again, seriously going to bed soon.

I think you have things pretty much sussed out, you know what you want out of life and you really seem like you do not wish to hurt your lovely GF in any way shape or form.

Just bear in mind that alcohol does ruin lives (you know that) and so does your GF, relationships (even the best of) and whilst it may be under control a lot of the time, it can quickly progress into something more, it happened to me, although generally I have been a P**s head most of my life, up until now I hope. However, it was not always totally out of control, I am shocked how my life has turned around in the past year, really shocked.

Anyhow, just keep things in mind and you will be fine, fitness and health far outweighs what you are going through now but I think you realise that anyway.

HH
Yup... I do know I need to sort it out, and I really AM going to, but to finish with her just because I can't flick the ALCOHOLISM OFF switch would be ridiculous. And if she can come through what she has, I can sure beat this problem. She is my insipiration.

Ha ha... Stay up ya wimp! I have to stay awake... She is phoning me when gets back from the airport (she's just been on 'vacation' as she puts it), which is going to be about 2am!!

And yeah, this job I am going for on Thursday is manual labour, so no way can I be dealing with hangovers and withdrawl for that kind of work!!! I'll be fixed up by then and back riding that wagon!!

LittleBigDave

Re: My Girlfriend - A horrible story...

Post by LittleBigDave » 11 Jun 2008 00:03

HIGH HOPES wrote:Stay positive Dave, was good to talk to you.

I am a light weight I know, usually ready for bed at ten but just got back into this site after having a break from it and had a few late nights, two kids to get sorted in the morning, well 3 if you include me.

Hope you get a bit more sorted with the med tomorrow.

HH
Cheers mate, it's been a pleasure to meet you! Hope the kids don't you up too early!

Probably see you on here soon!!!

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Re: My Girlfriend - A horrible story...

Post by djbrice » 12 Jun 2008 21:38

hi Dave,
I've just read your post and its a disgusting thing that your girlfriend has had to deal with.You right in the way that you say she has come along way but has alot farther to go.I don,t think something like what your girlfriend has been through is ever likely to go away totally its some thing that she will carry with her for life,but she will choose to put it at the back of her mind as time goes by.
The important thing here is that you recognise that your drinking is a catatlyst that could ruin what you have with her.Yes her mother was a alcoholic and a twisted evil one at that,but you are not her mother you would never do anything to harm this person whom you so clearly love.
The fact is you have a drink problem its nothing to be ashamed of,as you said,you are no way inclined to use violence in any shape or form when drunk which is very comendable.
But hiding the fact from this extrodinary person will only serve to make you feel quilty that you are the very person that your girlfriend was trying to get away from.And quilt will not help you over come your problems with drink.Its just as important that you recover as your girlfriend you yourself have seen what this substance can do to the people we love.
I myself have destroyed a realtionship with my drinking and have a son that one day came to my room crying saying that he did,nt want dad to die and he wished that I would stop drinking.I found that if I was honest with my self and with my son together I will one day overcome this vile drinking habit.My son knows that I attend group therapy which is still in its early days,but he knows dads trying to beat it an d that helps me because he see me with hope for the first time in years.
I hope that I have not sounded to preachy as that was never my intention but only you will know wether to let your girlfriend know you have a problem,you never know she might surprise you and be more supportive that you realise.

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Re: My Girlfriend - A horrible story...

Post by queenie » 20 Jun 2008 06:38

hi dave

i just saw your posts. what a terrible time your girlfriend has had. it is hard to imagine coming through that and being able to function day to day.

i cannot begin to advise you as to what is best for you to do in terms of telling her about your drinking. on one side there is the issue of keeping something so big from someone who trusts you. on the other, the risk that she will be afraid you will slip and she will feel she has to turn into the drink police to keep you straight, which she may well have had to do at times with her mother. i think what HH has said is right -rushing into telling her would not help things. reading what you have written it seems to me that you know the answer yourself. it seems that getting off the booze and staying off without your girlfriend having to worry that she has to police you has to be the way through. so i suppose the time to tell her is the time you are confident yourself that you won't relapse again.

one thing i would say is in the meantime it is really important that you don't lie to her about anything. not telling her something is one thing but lying is an altogether different thing. it is a fine line to tread but an important one.

good luck <:)>
how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change...

LittleBigDave

Re: My Girlfriend - A horrible story...

Post by LittleBigDave » 22 Jun 2008 16:19

Sounds like good advice all round. I am hopefully soon going to be in a position where my drinking doesn't impact on our relationship so she'll never have to worry about it...

dadaben
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Being Honest or living a lie

Post by dadaben » 19 Aug 2008 23:52

I live a lie, my famialy do not no what has happened within my life as a result of drink!

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Leo Lebrun
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Re: Being Honest or living a lie

Post by Leo Lebrun » 20 Aug 2008 00:29

Hi dadaben,

Frankly, the same could probably be said for the most of us here on BE!

But, you are here, which shows that you want to change your relationship with alcohol.

Therefore, things may start looking better from now. Being here is certainly a step in the right direction.

And, for sure you don't have to live a lie here! Now is the time to let it all out... You will find that many of us have done the same things as you (due to drink)... perhaps worse. No-one here will judge you.

If you start to write your problems and experiences down here, you may find some sense in it...
Certainly you will find some understanding and support.

Welcome and good luck,
Helen x
It does not matter who I was.
It's who I am that matters.

dadaben
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Re: Being Honest or living a lie

Post by dadaben » 20 Aug 2008 19:48

thanks you two, the support i feel here is great
ben x

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Re: Being Honest or living a lie

Post by maryrose » 21 Aug 2008 18:07

Living a lie? I really feel that also! Its funny, I say this nearly everytime I log on to this wonderful site.... there are so many people out there who feel the same as me! I thought I was the only one who felt like living a lie! Im a manager and at work I work my ass off and people respect me, when I go home I almost always drink myself to sleep. If they only knew? My family and friends have no idea. The only person who does is probably the guy at the 'offy' who looks at me in that way.. like he knows! :oops: Or my bank...as my statement constantly says 'wine and beer store £10.87' etc etc.

Its mad.

I want to change my drinking habits FOREVER. I started here on this site. Then I went for counselling sessions through my GP (free!). Now Im on Kudzu. Next Im joining 'slimming world'. Its a start.....

But the support on here is TOP NOTCH!

Thank you everyone <:)>

Rx

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Re: Being Honest or living a lie

Post by dadaben » 21 Aug 2008 21:08

hi marry rose
I know what you mean about the guy in the offy, I have had to use three or four different shops durring the week so I do not look like i drink to much! Never want to turn up at the same shop every night as a regular ! Even found myself making small talk like, oh, got some friends round tonight! - yeah! me, me and me!

Take care
benxx

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its_me
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Re: Being Honest or living a lie

Post by its_me » 21 Aug 2008 23:21

Hahaha, everyone claims they're having a party to the cashier, when they're secretly drinking alone.

I am still living a lie despite not drinking. I still haven't admitted it to my partner fully - though he saw me on this website. None of my friends know, though they have seen me drunk at strange times of the day but not frequently...

I am still sober since August 4th, so I'm not worried about 'fessing up' at the moment. I honestly don't believe I will drink again.

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Re: Being Honest or living a lie

Post by Stephen_A » 22 Aug 2008 00:59

Hi Dadaben,
I'm from Northampton myself. We lie all the time. Firstly to ourselves, and then to friends and family. So we've got a lot of clearing up to do. I too used to buy booze from different outlets on different nights to that I wouldn't appear as a souse to the staff.

It is true that there may indeed be a negative reaction from non-sympathetic family members if you come clean about boozing. I do feel, nonetheless, that this assumption tells us more about the shame about drinking than the chances of hostility to one's honesty.

It's a process. First you admit the problem to yourself. You are on these forums with all these fine people, so you've made this noteworthy first step. Then you assemble a plan to improve the situation which includes research, big lifestyle changes and again support from places like this.

If you've done all this work, and I know it takes an almost inhuman amount of courage to do this, I would think that admitting to family members your awareness of the problem and the steps you've taken to clean yourself up, is nothing but a positive step in the right direction.

Stephen.

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Re: Being Honest or living a lie

Post by Rachel35 » 25 Aug 2008 15:32

Hi to all,

I feel as though I am constantly living a lie. Certainly, no-one at work would guess about my drinking habits. But it's really my partner that is more affected by lies. I am determined this has to stop. I had been drinking during the day when my OH was at work. So instead of going out for a nice meal in the evening, he guessed I was drunk and refused to go. This resulted in me spending the night at a hotel and blaming him! Ridiculous. Cutting down doesn't really seem to help and you can easily cut back up. I know that the only way to feel better is to stop altogether. God knows what will happen when he comes home from work today.

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Re: Being Honest or living a lie

Post by Bupster » 25 Aug 2008 15:55

Hi, Rach - you're here, which is a start! Can you tell me more about why you're worried about him coming home tonight?

By the way, what you're saying about blaming him makes perfect sense, booze gets such a grip on you that you'll do anything to protect it. Been there. Looking back, it was always obvious to everyone but me when I was drunk, but I would never have admitted that to myself. You've done really well asking for help, you're fighting!

All the very best, Bupster (very new here)
Do not wait; the time will never be "just right." Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along. George Herbert

Rachel35
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Re: Being Honest or living a lie

Post by Rachel35 » 25 Aug 2008 16:04

Hi Bupster,

I'm new too. I guess I am worried that he won't want to engage with me which is entirely understandable. I want to be able to talk to him about how to tackle this problem and explain the steps I am already taking to get help. I have submitted a counselling enquiry through this site today. I think it is probably really important that I listen to him and his feelings about this.

But he might not be interested. I personally think that my problem stems from me having to cope with the burden of my work, the house, the family etc. and getting no help with any of it. I've even been to Relate with his to try to work things out. Of course, that was the perfect opportunity for him to sound off about my alcoholism rather than look at any underlying issues. I think someone else on this site has mentioned how hard it is living with someone who considers themselves perfect. I think he kind of enjoys having the moral high ground, yet can't see where he is going wrong in areas of his life. My problem is a very easy target.

Well you did ask!!!!

Rachel

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Re: Being Honest or living a lie

Post by Bupster » 25 Aug 2008 16:13

Hey Rach,

I hope he does want to engage and be interested, it would be great if he listened to you and could see that you were taking steps. It sounds like at counselling he thought that the booze was the biggest issue, so perhaps he'll be happy about you taking steps to address things (even if he doesn't seem that way on the outside!).

The biggest thing for you though is that you're doing something about the booze - because this has to be about you first. And though there's always underlying reasons for drinking and for it getting out of control, eventually the booze eats up everything else and everything becomes about drinking (or it did for me anyway). Do you think that he might take your other issues more seriously if you're drinking less? Will the burdens get a bit lighter for you if you're not struggling through hangovers etc?

Does your partner drink at all or is he a teetotaller? Do you think he can understand at all or is this a fight you'll be doing on your own? (only not, because we'll all be here for you).

Please keep posting xx
Do not wait; the time will never be "just right." Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along. George Herbert

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