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coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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silvergirl
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by silvergirl » 26 Feb 2010 14:25

ever heard of a johari window? it's where you can bring into other peoples awareness things about themselves or their attitudes that they maybe weren't previously aware of.

i do wonder if there's any point though - if someone has got to the age she's at without being able or willing to really look at themselves, is there any point in trying to help them to see things about themselves from a different perspective? why don't i just bite me tongue and say "hmm, whatever," instead of "well, lets look at why you feel like that?" defeatist, i know, but also realistic i reckon.

sgx
Last edited by silvergirl on 16 Aug 2015 20:15, edited 1 time in total.
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tee
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by tee » 26 Feb 2010 19:15

SG <:)> & SB <:)>

LOVE the posts, both of them. I thought it was just me who had that sort of relationship (who's the parent here?) with my mum. :roll: I admire you both for your grown up attitude and for conducting yourselves with dignity (there's another of those window things SG, I realise I revert to huffy teenager around mine for some reason). :(

Anyway ma braw hennies yer dain fair weel, dinnae be pittin yersels doon any mare cos a think yer dain just grand the pair yis.

Love
Tee ;)
Perseverance is not a long race, it is a series of short races one after the other.

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tee
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by tee » 26 Feb 2010 19:22

What's going on SB, tell auntie Tee <:)>
Perseverance is not a long race, it is a series of short races one after the other.

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fairycake
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by fairycake » 27 Feb 2010 13:08

The cats out of the bag and I'm scared.. :(

What I mean is that oh has previously said very little about my drinking - he is aware I drink too much and that it causes me problems and that I'm worried about it (as he knows about BE)- but he has never given me a hard time about it and has been supportive. I think the reason he has not given me a hard time is because he has not seen the scale of the problem...until now though I think.

He knows I was pissed last night and that I am hungover today and he commented quite mildly this morning: 'you really do have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, you can't just have one.' Might not sound much - but from him it is a massive statement - I think the penny has finally dropped for him...

and I am scared about what this means for me and us....I am scared he will stop loving me now he knows what a loser I am..I am scared he will judge and give me a hard time when I drink...

I have been wanting him to understand for a while but now he does I feel so exposed and embarrassed.. :oops:

I'm so sad - I wish I was normal... :(
'I can't' is dead. He is survived by his brother and sister 'I can' and 'I will'.

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tee
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by tee » 27 Feb 2010 13:19

Fairy my lovely, here have a hug <:)> I know exactly how you feel, cos the same thing is going on with me and my OH. You feel such an asshole eh? :( You're not, but the drink makes you and me act like one sometimes.There it is. :o Anyway the only way I have found of dealing with my situation, and I know this is going to be a shocker, is NOT TO DRINK. Every day you can tick off on the 7 day challenge, is a day of clear conscience and harmony between you both. Come join us? <:)>

Love
Tee ;)
Perseverance is not a long race, it is a series of short races one after the other.

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hamster
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by hamster » 27 Feb 2010 14:17

Hello fairycake <:)> <:)>

Oh - you are normal. You do however have an abnormal relationship with alcohol. As do we all here.

I understand what you mean about feeling exposed whenyou realise your partner knows how bad the problem is. My partner knows I am an alcoholic. It made me feel vulnerable, exposed and embarrased but mainly because I was behaving ridiculously when totally pissed.

When sober he respects me and I dont feel vulnerable. Tee is right hun. Once the drinking stops there is nothing to feel exposed about.

Julie
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fiz
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by fiz » 27 Feb 2010 14:24

Hi Guys,

I have tried several times to talk to my OH about my drink problems, but he just poo poos everything I say and makes me feel silly. He says I have not got a problem, I'm just a heavy drinker, I think really he also has a problem and me flagging mine makes him look at his own. I was drinking 1 ltr of red wine every day, he still is. I haven't told anyone I come on BE and sometimes I wish I could, as it feels like some kind of dirty secret.

I'm not sure how I would cope if people new, maybe I would be very self conscious as well?
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

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hamster
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by hamster » 27 Feb 2010 14:34

Hi fiz

I would never tell anyone outside this forum that I have a drink problem. the only people that could understand my problem and hence me are people that go through the same. Thats why I love coming back to BE. I did tell someone once, a long time ago and it went against me. I learned a hard lesson.

I think you are right fiz, you are your OH's drinking buddy. He does not want to loose that, does not want to question his own relationship with alochol - he may not even consider he has one. You have already taken such a couragous path by joining BE. Let it be your own path and dont expect your OH to walk next to you. Not for a while anyway. Maybe when he sees how your drinking changes and how you change he will start to question himself.

Julie
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AF2011 number 10

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fiz
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by fiz » 27 Feb 2010 14:43

Julie,

I wish he would hurry up and address his drinking, it's hard enough to quit without having him sitting getting drunk telling me to have just one, he even pours me one sometimes. I don't think he does it out of badness, he just doesn't want to lose me, as you say as a drinking partner which is exactly what I was.

Thank god I found this site.
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

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fiz
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by fiz » 28 Feb 2010 09:48

Chianti,

Thanks for the pm, we just have to be a little bit selfish on this one, and quit for our selves. Hopefully our OH and loved ones will stop or cut right down one day, but that's for them to decided. I'm glad your getting support at home as well as on here though. Keep your shield up as Tony says. <:)>
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by Tink » 28 Feb 2010 14:25

Hi lovely Fiz, <:)>

I know how you feel. I really do love. It is such a hard spot to be in when you have stopped and are struggling at times and the mate and partner you have is still doing it. Denial is what it is all about there. We have the problem not them. Well, it is a progressive disease and as we know it don't get better unless you put it out of your life. They must come to it just like we did. All we can do it stay sober, get on with it and maybe they too will follow. As for BE and myself, I would not advertise it maybe at work or something but my drinking was a secret, allot of stuff was a secret, but now I have taken the pressure off of me and they all know, my family, friends and some others. I got tired of having so many secrets. We all have to do what is best for us though and know who to share it with and who not to. I have found that some others see something has changed in me for the better and I then tell them. Some may be here? I know my Dr. took the info and was gonna give it to some of her patients.
One day at a time Fiz. This site is my strength, my kids are my strength, my friends are my strength here. I AM MY STRENGTH. :D <:)> <:)> <:)> <:)>
Great job there Fiz, you are a rock sista!
Love,
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by Ryan109b » 07 Oct 2010 17:17

Hi All,

Some of you may remember me from a while back, whilst I was battling with the EAF; this was some months ago and I was happy to report that I was winning the battle. (::)

However, since then things have changed for me in a very negative way; I was made redundant very unexpectedly, my father has recently been taken into hospital, and things just spiralled downwards from there. I've struggled to get myself back into employment; on the same career track that I was on, but I work in the arts and although I've had a few interviews, the knock-backs and not being able to land another position has taken it's toll.

Long story short, I've suffered a relapse. But what has amazed me is the fact that I didn't even realize it, or acknowledge it, until now. As I write this, I sit here feeling like crap because I've had a heavy....well, week of drinking. Not large amounts, but a little bit every day. It all came to a head today when I woke up, the same familiar physical symptoms took hold - loss of appetite, nausea, weakness in the extremities - and a row with loved ones over my drinking - the same old story. So I'm feeling terribly despondent right now; Guilty and angry for myself for allowing myself to fall so far backwards; embarressed because it's so physically obvious to everyone around me what I've done to myself....again.......and I've started looking for immediate solutions again. Should I talk to my GP? Should I admit I've failed again and seek some new form of help? The Priory, perhaps? Am I strong enough to put a stop to this now, without some outside intervention? How do I go before my family and tell them that I've done this to myself again? That I've been lying to them and secretly drinking on the quiet?

Anyone who can offer some kind of advice or encouragement......I could really use some right now. Not sure where to turn or what to do. I'm UK Resident, for those that don't recall. I can generally be reached on darkslay109b@tesco.net or via text message on: 07860 – 470 - 048

Is there light at the end of this tunnel?

Lost in London,

Ryan

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Andy
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by Andy » 07 Oct 2010 17:50

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, sorry to hear you've slipped, but from experience once youve taken stock of things they arnt as bad as they 1st seem :-)
I dont know your history but you managed it before so you can manage it again, the choices are there for you to make, best to at least try doing it yourself, it will probably take time to organise anything else anyway. As to who you tell and how much again you will have to decide that, but if you've not fallen to and can bounce back then you should be able to minimise who you need to tell.

Sorry to be a bit vague but I hope it helps it some small way :-)

Good luck
Journey started 22-Feb-10.

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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by london bloke » 07 Oct 2010 18:00

Hi Ryan,

I just lost a post in answer to you - it's gone.

But I was rabbiting around the fact that your language has a lot of self-blame, self-anger, guilt and so on.

From an outside view I see a good guy who has taken steps to help himself. I see a guy who has had success, and is willing to battle on. And a guy who is concerned about his effect on others. that shows that you are sensitive and empathetic. Frankly, you sound like a great guy who has a rocky patch with bad events just now.

I hope you can forgive yourself, take a look at the strengths you have, and the experience you have gained. And then just do what's right for you. Forget the anger, blame, guilt shit - and see your strengths , please.

And give yourself a hug for all the good stuff in you. <:)>
Alcohol = Anxiety: I have suffered for years.
Sobriety = Freedom: I have tasted freedom, and I want it more.

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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by Gump » 19 Oct 2010 22:40

What when someone you trusted 100% brings you out as a drinker to others?
This has just happened to me...
Her justification: "It affected me too so I was entitled to tell"...
Well, she ended the relationship so it's not like something she's enduring anymore... And the person she's told this to is her friend and former boss of mine...
I feel like I can't trust her anymore but I wish it wouldn't be like this...
"It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can do only a little. Do what you can."

"People who say it can't be done shouldn't interrupt those who are doing it."

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Andy
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by Andy » 20 Oct 2010 08:55

Sounds like a major abuse of trust :-(

I'm not surprised you find it hard to trust this person!!!
Journey started 22-Feb-10.

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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by George » 20 Oct 2010 10:44

Hi Gump

A difficult one here, eh. In my view, I make the decisions regarding my problems, whether that be who to tell, whatever - after all, they're my problems so.... But what to do about the lady in your life :?: In my mind I'd listen to my heart, it'll lead you in the right direction.

Best of luck ;)
“Now I’m sober and I realize, I didn’t drink to escape the world, I drank to escape myself”
― Phil Volatile, Crushed Black Velvet

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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by carolyn » 18 Jan 2011 08:48

Morning everyone, Hope you all have a lovely day. I was just thinking that after facing up to my drinking problem last week, i wanted certain friends to know. First of all i would like to explain that i am friends with the landlady of my local pub and some of the regulars. So i decided i was going to tell certain friends so they were aware and would not pressure me into having a drink. They have all been brilliant and have helped me just as much as all of you guys. So big thank you. There was one person who i know has a drinking problem but as yet as not faced up to it, like so many of us!. I felt pressure from her and know that i have to steer clear, i realise she just thought of it as losing a drinking buddie. I also realise that there are certain people i will not mention it to as i will be judged and also thay would not understand. Again thank you to all you brave people.

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Andy
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by Andy » 18 Jan 2011 10:39

Good luck Carolyn,

It's not easy to do, but sometimes nessesary. If they are real friends they will be there to support you, if not, your better off without them!!!

Hope it works well :-)
Journey started 22-Feb-10.

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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by d2b » 22 Feb 2011 00:32

I have always tried not hide the fact that i drink. Actually I even have a blog called after2beers( in Romanian ), all my friends know about it. There was a time when I tried to hide the empty bottles in the bin, then I realized that I am pathetic and I am not doing that anymore.

However, I keep my drinking problems a secret from colleagues at work. I even refuse to have a drink when I am out with people I don't consider very close to me.

sample from my blog - I only write when I am drunk

lunar ticket


The time has come. I have transformed my washing machine into a space rocket and I am going to the moon. If you want to come with me , you will have to fit through the round opening door and not take too much space.

As we know, the credit crunch is not helping the science-me, and I did not have the financial support to install an integrate - internal control panel. So, we do not have one.

But - I have a solution. I am going to leave a note to my neighbour and the note will say:

-----------------------------------------------------

Hello, I am away and I need your help, please.

Can you push the Start button at precisely 22;00 hours. I left the key under the flower pot.

Thank you

-----------------------------------------------------

She will never know that in fact we are going to the moon
.

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