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interacting with people who drink

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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whyme
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Re: relationships after drink

Post by whyme » 06 Jun 2009 10:11

Hello All,

Need to share the following with you as may be helpful for someone in the future <:)>

When I had stopped drinking inthe past I bought a breathalyser( a digital display one that shows "Lo"and then the amount up to "HI", goes red and makes lots of noises when over the limit to drive) this was to prove everynight to my OH that I hadn't been drinking. Think its quite usual but if I really hadn't been drinking I wouldn't lie but if I had been drinking, I would lie and say that I hadn't, so the idea was to use the breathalyser to show whether or not I had been drinking.............It was great all the time when I hadn't been drinking, got a real buzz out of proving I hadn't been BUT the EAF got the better of me and I started secretly drinking again, only the one, of course!!, then two and so on.

One thing "us drinkers" are good at is protecting the drinking so would go and have a bath when OH went to bed knowing full well he would be asleep by the time I had finished BUT then he said why not do the breathalyser BEFORE you get in the bath???? Couldn't get my way out of that one so my "alcholol mind" rapidly went through to find the next reason why I had to avoid the breathalyser at all costs because I was doing so well at drinking and hiding it that the only way my OH would find out would be the breathalyser!! SO sabotage it, which I succesfully did by squirting tea tree oil in the little hole at the back ( it did smell a bit odd) but OH DEAR!!! the next time I went to blow into it, it just kept coming up ERR, oh no, the surprise on my face, I gave it to my OH and acted so disappointed,!! So he ordered another one, I knew that it would take 7 - 10 days to turn up so was quite safe to carry on drinking until it arrived.

It did and whoops it happened again, so he wasn't too impressed with them or me ( I said that I dropped the new one but used the same way to sabotage it) The idea of doing the breathalyser dropped off after that

BUT

I stopped drinking, I made the decision to and this time, felt different, really want to this time not like before where I knew deep down that I stopped so that I could prove to myself I could and then not feel so guily when I started again.

I have found that OH has been watching me and waiting for the signs of me drinking again, I know I'm not going too but of course he doesn't so I can understand his way of thinking and being patient with him and trying to build his trust up.

SO it would be the ideal time to have the breathalysers working as he does make the comments "are you alright??" "are you sure your're alright??" followed by the "You haven't been drinking or been tempted to drink??" I say no because I haven't but I can see the doubt in his eyes so having the breathalyser would help a great deal, so have now had them fixed and I find them a great help now and not the enemy I used to think they were.

So the moral of this story is - Sometimes what you think is an enemy can be turned around and become a best friend!!!

I found it horrible seeing the doubt in his eyes when I knew that I hadn't been drinking, I wanted to prove that I hadn't been so badly, it hurt to see the doubt he had it me and the lack of trust but then it has been the other way round, he must have felt so betrayed and let down when he would find out that I had been lying to him about drinking!!!!!!!!!!

Take Care Everyone

Lots of Love

Kate X <:)> <:)> <:)>

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Ann K
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Re: How do you get out of it?

Post by Ann K » 08 Jul 2009 21:32

One tip that has definitely worked for me is to mark every day that you don't drink on a calendar and keep track of how much money you are saving. This has been phenomenal motivation for me. My last drink was 6 months and 27 days ago. I personally saved $2100 American dollars. When you actually see what you spend on this horrible habit, it can really shine a light on a dark situation. Obviously you need to want to quit and have support, but this tip has helped me immensely.

And then with the money that you saved, you can buy yourself something awesome or go on vacation!

If you have an iPhone, they have a free "quitter" application that keeps track of it for you (for drinking or smoking). Every day I look at it to remind myself how far I've come. If I can do it, you can do it. It just starts with one minute of not drinking, then one hour, then one day, and so on.

Believe me, I know it is tough. I quit on December 10, 2008 in order to support my husband. That was my first sober Christmas and New Years since I started drinking. I didn't think I could do it, but I did. Yes, I had to be boring for a bit. And yes, I did lose some friends. But, trust me, it is worth it.

Ann K :D
Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

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Ann K
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Re: How do you get out of it?

Post by Ann K » 08 Jul 2009 23:04

I just wanted to clear up something about the Quitter application on the iphone. Once you download the app, hit the 'i' information button.

It is for cigarettes but you can manipulate it to apply to drinking. After I figured out what I spent on drinking in a typical week, I divided it by 7 (for 7 days in a week). I then put in the number 20 for cigarettes in one day ( which equals a pack). And put in your per day $ amount as per pack price. Put in your quit date and it keeps track of everything for you. It has helped me sooo much. I hope it helps you too. :)
Ann
Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

Martyburns
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Re: How do you get out of it?

Post by Martyburns » 01 Sep 2009 21:42

I know this post is even older know though, but it hit close to home so I wanted to post anyway. Just about every weekend of mine is spent drunk, and sometimes high. It is true that there are loads of people in the UK that do drugs and drink too much, though its definitely not just a UK thing. Aussie and NZ are the same. Part of the reason I am in the UK is because I wanted to move away from this sort of thing but it just came to this side of the world with me so I know I can't blame the folks around me.

My friends drink lots, though less and less these days and I seem to be the only one not cutting down to sensible levels. I'm so aware of my problem, but it is so god damn easy to forget about it after a pint or 10.

Good luck to anyone who has been reading this post.

Marty

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zarajenkin
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Re: How do you get out of it?

Post by zarajenkin » 01 Sep 2009 22:50

Good luck to you too marty. Nice to meet you! Take care Zara <:)>

sue
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Re: How do you get out of it?

Post by sue » 02 Sep 2009 07:50

Marty, we will always find drink or drugs wherever we are if thats what we want. Stick with the forum and best wishes with what you want to achieve, either cutting down or abstaining.
Good luck <:)> <:)>

leone
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Re: relationships after drink

Post by leone » 11 Sep 2009 17:29

I feel like I am losing my relationship with my husband or we are drifting apart. He is still drinking 2 big Jamesons every night after the children go down and I am resentful. I want him to get it away from me. I can't stand the smell of it when he comes to bed anymore. On the weekends we would usually sit get s... faced and solve all the world's problems over many drinks. Since I have stopped, it is bed for me at a normal time as I can't stand talking to him after he has had a few. He is not an alcoholic and still doesn't understand why I just can't have a few. But I do miss the conversations we had. Now I just go to bed and hide out so I don't drink and don't want to be around it right now. He is a good husband, home every night, doesn't gamble... and I feel that it would be selfish of me to ask him to not do it anymore. But the other part of me thinks th :?: is is not fair. It's like eating a burger around someone on a diet. :?:

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cornelian
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Re: relationships after drink

Post by cornelian » 11 Sep 2009 21:10

Hi Leone, Can't help much but I know exactly what you mean. I have stopped drinking, OH has not. We used to have long boozy meals and sit talking for much of the evening. Now I leave the table when I finish eating as I dont want to be tempted to have a drink. He stays where he is. And if he goes on to finish the bottle, I can see with my very sober eyes that he has had too much to drink, and I have to hold myself back from criticising what I did myself every night up to 4 months ago.

I do feel we're drifting apart and it's down to me having changed, not anything he has done. So not sure how to fix it. Starting to drink again would do the trick, but that's a step too far. I am trying to think of things we can share that don't involve drink, but really struggling. I tell myself that this is just a changing stage in our relationship but the truth is it does feel a bit lonely and I think it does for him too.

leone
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Re: relationships after drink

Post by leone » 12 Sep 2009 13:36

Hi Cornelian, sounds like we are both in the situation, it's weird really, last night before he came to bed I noticed that he had used mouthwash! So maybe he is starting to sense what I am feeling. We need to stay strong and hopefully time will sort the relationships out and they will cut down and we will find other things to do as couple.

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dessieree
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Re: relationships after drink

Post by dessieree » 20 Sep 2009 15:35

So...here I am again. Just screwed up new relationship with my boyfriend . He saw me out-of-control, kissing my girlfriends, being trashy/abnoxious and totally embarrassing. What a looser.

His opinion of me has now slipped dramatically. I have apologised several times and he just says "we are who we are". But that's not me I keep saying. I am the person he sees sober 99% of the time...

I just don't know what to do...this guy means so much to me. I have moved over here for a new life and to chase my dreams...I seem to crush them by making the same mistakes over and over and over again...what's the point really. I'm just a disaster. Pathetic.
"Be faithful to your dreams"

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dessieree
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Re: relationships after drink

Post by dessieree » 20 Sep 2009 18:41

Thanks Darcy. <:)>

Oh yer...this is one step too many...usually it's 'just' verbal abuse and stupid/revolting behaviour: but I can't help but wonder when it will be something a lot lot worse. My big, vulgar mouth gets me in to trouble....

I'm almost 27 and enough is enough. I just hope I haven't ruined my relationship completely. It doesn't look good but he has indicated that anything could happen. eeek.

This particular 'incident' has lead to me of a kind of epiphany: and really it's time to own up that I DO have a problem with alcohol. I WILL keep using this forum and not only use it until my 'guilt' passes or a resolution with someone I have hurt (friends/family/lover); but I will use it to help me through the next stage of dealing with this and reshaping my relationship (IF I decide to have one) with alcohol.

I will be giving up for about a month so that I can totally cleanse my mind, focus on my running (helps me with depression and anxiety) and career and also go back to councelling.

Problem is, I often give up the councelling, drink too much etc when I feel sedated by one thing...be it work, a new relationship etc. I need to keep doing these things so that I am heavily scaffolded. I will need support and always have but I am a very excessive person (drink, food, sex etc). :roll: :roll:

So haven't had a drink since Friday, won't be drinking for a month, going back counselling, and focusing on my career...if this realtionship with my guy is meant to be it will fall in between these (and I really hope it does but need to stay positive as I know I can only make/influence 50% of that one). The other things I have 100% control over so will give them as much as I can.

I also really want to make daily or at least several days a week contact on this forum...

So this is the plan. Maybe in the future I will be confident and happy in myself to know that I can ALWAYS share a bottle of wine and not want more(see older posts!) but until then; I will work on getting my confidence and self-esteem balanced so i can make these decisions and KNOW they wont effect my life like they are now (and at a critical time).

I can do it this time. I'm at the stage where I'm not 100% sure I can have a healthy relationship with alcohol ever again and thus may need to give up completely. So this is what the next month (at least is for). Deciding whether or not the 1/3 drinking sessions ending really, really bad is worth the 2 times they don't... I mean my 'guy' has overridden 5 months of laughter, fun and good times with one revolting 4 hour slot...hmmmm a lot of thinking to do.

Dessie :oops:
"Be faithful to your dreams"

Jude
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Re: relationships after drink

Post by Jude » 21 Sep 2009 21:23

I am single at the moment, but have lots of male friends. One or two would be happy to have a relationship with me. I feel I need to be alone while I am recovering, I certainly don't want to put anyone through any crap that may happen over the next few months, it wouldn't be fair.

It is funny, there are lots of people who don't drink, I just never took any notice of them before!!!

Jude

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fiz
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Re: interacting with people who drink

Post by fiz » 01 Mar 2010 10:38

Just been reading through this thread, the very first post is from Mike, and I felt I could relate to it so well. Maybe I am just at that stage with my drinking (or not drinking to be precise), How long were you sober? I hope I can save my relationship as I love him very much, but we do seem to be drifting. If we do argue or bitch at one another to be truthful, it's nearly always because I have stopped drinking. I get comments like, an ex drinker is worse than a none drinker, and I am miserable now is a favourite. As for friends, some I have lost because I made them feel uncomfortable, but surprisingly, some (not a lot) but some have joined me completely or have at least cut down, which is nice. I never mention any one's drinking because I don't want to draw attention to the fact I am not, also it's none of my business, but my OH says I look at people like I disapprove? It has made me very self conscious, I'm frightened to look around a room in case people think I'm judging them.

Has anyone else had problems interacting with people? Does it get easier?
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

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Bela
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Re: interacting with people who drink

Post by Bela » 01 Mar 2010 22:48

I've not had too much trouble here . . . I no longer socialize with my old drinking buddies (not just a cutting them off, this has more evolved over time). My small nuclear family has not said much . . they probably know better than to criticize me. :? I would be worried if I were still making trips to my old home town where my sisters lives. She owns a bar and I was often so bored that I'd end up there. She wouldn't pressure me, but I still could cave.
Whatever works.

Cravings stop going where they aren't fed.

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Bela
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Re: interacting with people who drink

Post by Bela » 03 Mar 2010 00:48

That's a good one, Rebecca.
You should post that on the "saying no to a drink" thread . . . "I think I might be pregnant."
That would really shut some people up if I said that at my age!
I may try that out at a wine tasting fund raiser I am going to Thursday night.
Whatever works.

Cravings stop going where they aren't fed.

Broken Soul
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Re: interacting with people who drink

Post by Broken Soul » 11 Mar 2010 22:23

At what point do you say; enough is enough?

At what point do you pull yourself away from a loved that that has rejected your help and heart.

At what point do you stop running after realizing you’re chasing a lost cause?

At what point do you quit? Should you quit mid-fight if you know you’ve lost? Or should you continue to battle on until the end?

I can only be pushed away for so long. I feel so guilty but I'm losing the battle. My own health is taking a battering for trying to help my best friend in the world. My idol. My Dad.

I don't know what to do anymore.

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silvergirl
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Re: interacting with people who drink

Post by silvergirl » 11 Mar 2010 22:39

hi broken soul. <:)>

i don't know the answer to your questions.

i think that most people here will say that you can't help anyone with a drink problem unless that person wants help. in my own experience i'd say that's true, painful though it is.

i think if it's affecting your own health, it's time to let go and start looking after yourself.

my thoughts are with you
sgx
you can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
~jon kabat-zinn

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Andy
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Re: interacting with people who drink

Post by Andy » 11 Mar 2010 22:45

BS

SG is a wise old soul
Journey started 22-Feb-10.

joanneL

Re: interacting with people who drink

Post by joanneL » 11 Mar 2010 23:33

Broken Soul,

There is no easy answer to that one since its your Dad. silvergirl is right in what she says.

You cannot help someone who is unwilling to change, unwilling to listen. The best you can do is only what you can cope with, if it is affecting your health then you will be of no help anyway to yourself or to him.

Without knowing what you have tried it is difficult to know what to say to help. There are forms of help for families that suffer in this situation.

My view would be to not fight as I think you realise you are probably going to lose. He is your Dad and that bond cannot be undone but he is the one that has to try to mend it. Be there for him only as you can, make sure you put your health as a priority. If you have exhausted all avenues with doctors and only he could choose to go to a clinic or go to AA or such. It seems madness that we allow choices to remain with those that are beyond being able to make them sometimes but it has to be that way to work.

There is info on the site and numbers to call that may give you some ideas.

Realise one thing though is that you are not giving up, that you can carry no guilt in all this. You are making a choice and you must choose to be careful of yourself as if and or when your Dad might make the decision to get sober you will be strong for him at that time.
Take care and feel comfortable to post on here you never know it might help you.
Jo xx

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Andy
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Re: interacting with people who drink

Post by Andy » 13 Mar 2010 10:45

I think we put pressure on ourselves it the respect of what others think. You might get a few comments at 1st but before you know it people wont even notice. When I go out it's not uncommon for some of the the biggest drinkers to be on soft drinks for 1 reason or another. You just need to go out and enjoy yourself and have fun :-)
Journey started 22-Feb-10.

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