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Supportive Partners

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
Ellisbell
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Ellisbell » 06 Jan 2011 08:23

Thanks guys - yes whilst reconciled to what needed to be done am pretty heartbroken as well. Dont think it helps, as is often the case, people come out the woodwork with horror stories - evidently this wasnt his first attempt at sobriety - 3 years ago he went on campral and still went back on the drink 6 weeks later - i knew nothing of this - he went on a different support forum back then but literally cut & pasted his posts from there into emails to me. Hasnt worked for many many years and targets women with good jobs (just like me), we all get the "ive never felt this way before" rubbish. Feeling pretty foolish that i fell for it hook line & sinker but glad it didnt get to the setting up home stage & marriage that we were discussing. Just wish these people had told me all this at the beginning - doesnt feel helpful to tell me this now just hurtful

Maybe one day he will get sober for good & turn his life around for his own sake & health i hope he does.

Beverley
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Beverley » 06 Jan 2011 08:30

Ellisbell

My brother in law was a menace to women. I tried to warn off a really lovely American woman but she was deaf to it. He managed to wreck the lives of several women. I am sure you have done the right thing for you. So much good luck and may you soon get over the heartache.

Bev x
Every moment is a gift - that's why it's called the present

nettii
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by nettii » 07 Jan 2011 22:08

Elisbell: I admire you for being so strong. As difficult as it is, a positive from this is that you must have learnt a lot about yourself and the type of partner who's right for you. I wish you future happiness.

Ellisbell
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Ellisbell » 07 Jan 2011 22:31

Thanks guys, still feeling pretty foolish, and a sense of loss of the future that was planned, but an underlying/baseline sense of knowing this was the right decision and the only decision I could have made. Licking my wounds but which heal quickly I am sure, he hasn't contacted me at all, which actually helps me to recover (pardon the pun!!) quicker than if he was trying to get me to change my mind but i know he won't do that because I no longer fit his criteria of meal ticket/carer - I wouldn't tolerate his drinking or not working, so he needs to go and find someone who will, but that can't be and isn't my problem and the latest information is that he has already found his next "victim" - someone he told me was just a "friend". Its also time for people to stop telling me all these stories, they aren't benefiting me at all now, I don't need to hear anymore.

Depsite the feelings of hurt, I do really hope one day he will sober up properly.

Want a a little bit of time to myself, to enjoy being with my friends and family and just on my own before I think about moving onto a new relationship, but that day will come and I will have learnt from this phase in my life and I am determined to find a positive in it all.

Hope everyone is doing ok.

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hamster
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by hamster » 08 Jan 2011 07:13

Beverley8603 wrote:Hello all

I am going to pay back OH big time. I am going to lose weight and quit smoking too. I am going to make sure he has back the old me in full force!!

Love and all the best Bev x
I think partners are so important in recovery. Well mine has been for me. He isnt perfect, far from it, and truth be known he is a big, narrow minded, chauvanist, biggoted shit at times but he is my narrow minded, chauvanist, biggoted shit. Our marraige is rocky but so many of the resentments and hurts have been created from the loss of trust and respect my drinking brought.

Being sober, staying sober can only help.

Julie
x
AF2011 number 10

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Jjjj of Old
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Jjjj of Old » 08 Jan 2011 11:02

I've been delaying writing this post for a few days. Cowardliness mostly, deep shame too; and also because - huge, foolish arse that I am and have been - I needed to take in a good number of home truths and deal with them.

I also have a very loving and supportive partner - God knows where I'd be without her, in so many different ways. But it's not good enough for me to allow myself to use her as a crutch, when she often needs a crutch herself; and it's not good enough for me to allow myself to slide into becoming her "big, narrow minded, chauvanist, biggoted shit at times" - I won't always be anything like perfect, but I want to be closer to perfect than I have been of late, and I want to be "closer to perfect" as consistently as possible for the rest of my life - because she, more than anyone I've ever known, deserves and needs that of me. There is no-one I would rather make happier.

I have to write this post, and I have to start by apologising to everyone for not having written it sooner. I have been a hypocrite for having posted merrily away for the last couple of days without first dealing with this properly, without having been totally honest about it both with myself, everyone here, and most of all my loving and lovely wife - who some of you already know as "maryanne".

I want to thank everyone who has replied to Maryanne during the last week (whilst I was away and had no idea, because I'm such "narrow-minded shit", that she was here): thanks for giving her all the advice, support and encouragement that I've always gained from you all. Advice, support and encouragement I should have seen that I needed to give her myself: through my words and behaviour.
Digga wrote:Digga wrote:
Maryanne, I think you posting here, and being straight-up and honest, just might help him get sober and, in turn, might help save your relationship. He is a very lucky gezza to have someone who has just made the effort you have by coming here and asking for ideas.

Wake-up gezza.

Thanks, Digga. Consider me wide-awake. I've been a selfish arsehole, maybe more than I am able to admit even to myself just yet. However, things are good again between [wife's name]/Maryanne and I. And things will remain good, for so long as I remain sober and more open and honest with her and myself than I have been of late: for so long, too, as I give her good reason to be such a loving, supportive and strong person, and for so long as I help her to be that loving, supportive and strong person - rather than weaken and erode her optimism and trust, as I have done recently.

I don't know what else to say. I have apologised to [wife's name] - and I apologise to everyone here too. But these are apologies that should only be believed when they are seen to have been put into action. My action.

I still feel a bit numb with the realisation that I'd allowed myself to slip back toward the "learned helplessness" of the pathetic, selfish, sneaky drinker. I won't make excuses for having done that. I just won't let it happen again, because it has terrified and humbled me to read "Maryanne's" posts, and also the posts of others who love and deal with drunk partners. My wife - like everyone here - deserves so much more than that.

I can't change the way other drunk-partners conduct themselves - I can only wish and pray the best for you who love them and deal with them. But I can change the way I conduct myself, and I intend never to drive someone as utterly lovely as my wife to need again the support of others, as a result of my drinking behaviour.

So, this post is part of an ongoing apology and thank-you - to my wife, above all; but also to everyone here. I'm not looking for sympathy: I certainly don't deserve it. I look a shit, and I deserve that because I have been a shit. But I have to be honest about that if I am to avoid being a shit ever again. And, as Julie says:
hamster wrote:Being sober, staying sober can only help.
Best wishes,
Mark
Last edited by Jjjj of Old on 08 Jan 2011 15:15, edited 1 time in total.
"Addiction doesn’t go away when we stop drinking." ~ Tai

maryanne
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by maryanne » 08 Jan 2011 14:56

Thanks Digga!

Thanks Joanne!

I will be wandering in and out from time to time. No worries!

...and not forgetting...

...well done Mark!

;)? <:)>

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Jjjj of Old
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Jjjj of Old » 08 Jan 2011 14:59

I deserve no "well done" at all.

But, yes - thanks Jo and Digga.

Now then, "Maryanne", I'm about to put the kettle on. Would you like a cup of tea...?

(This does feel strange, y'know...)

Mark <:)>

maryanne
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by maryanne » 08 Jan 2011 15:51

That was a nice cup of tea Mark! Thanks! <:)>

Beverley
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Beverley » 08 Jan 2011 16:13

I have one thing to say and one thing only (almost)

I LOVE OH FOR STANDING BY ME THROUGH THE GOOD TIMES AND BAD TIMES and me the same for him (he's not always been so very nice, in fact bloody nasty)

I made a vow when we married, for better or for worse, I really think that is so important. Hell, this is making me cry. Why am I always crying on this forum?!!!

Love to all Bev x
Every moment is a gift - that's why it's called the present

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Jjjj of Old
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Jjjj of Old » 08 Jan 2011 16:27

Bev - you cry because you have a heart. Having a heart makes you human, makes you lovely, makes you compassionate, even when those to whom you've been compassionate perhaps haven't always deserved it. No-one who wasn't lovely could have written what you just have or shared it with others. So take even more heart from that! <:)>

Mark

PS. Cowboy, that previous comment was very funny! (::)
"Addiction doesn’t go away when we stop drinking." ~ Tai

maryanne
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by maryanne » 09 Jan 2011 10:27

Too true! ;)?

Rose13
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Rose13 » 30 Jul 2017 18:22

I seen this topic title and was closest to how i am feeling.
I am at a very low point and the relationship with my partner is getting worse. I used to have a successful job, we went out at the weekends and were happy. We were/are quite big drinkers.The last few years have been much harder and we now have a child. I gave up my career and stayed at home to bring up our child. I managed to get the odd bit of work but it was quite difficult to keep it going in my kind of work. My partner continued up the ladder and has recently started his own business. With this has come long hard hours and we barely see eachother. For the first year i completley supported him and tried to make the best of the situation. We are now in a lot of debt and i am worried the his business is not growing as hoped. On top of worrying about that i am incredibly lonely and spend most days indoors without speaking to anyone. My partner works late and at weekends and it is almost impossible for me to find a job to fit in with his lifestyle. I am so low in mood now i can barely stand it any longer.I have no one to talk too and no family help. I dont know what to do anymore. I have tried talking to him but it just doesnt make any difference. When he is not working he is out drinking with his friends and spending money we dont have. I am invited to go to his parents house or his sisters house when he visits because i think he needs me to show face and make out everything is ok. I am so stuck there seems no way out, im tired fighting and am now just numb with complete boredom which along with too much alcohol is leading to a very low mood. I tend to drink alcohol to try and relieve the boredom when i am sat on my own night after night. Any advice and thoughts from anyone in a similar situation would really help.

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Shadowlad
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Shadowlad » 30 Jul 2017 19:11

Hello Rose, just wanted to answer your post as you sound quite overwhelmed and down. You do seem to have a lot going on and have had a lot of changes to your life. As someone who had a successful job and an active life at the weekends with your partner, it must feel like a complete life change now. Becoming a mother brings a full time job in its own right but it is easy to lose your identity when this becomes your sole occupation. You are obviously an intellectual person who needs more influences to stimulate you and also to take your mind off the financial worries. Dealing with finances and arranging a plan is a positive step forward if you are able to do this first . I certainly had a weight lifted when i arranged a debt plan years ago,( a third party doing the leg work). It may help if you were able to also get out into the community more. It must be hard not having your extended family nearby, but maybe there are some good friends out there waiting to be met ? Other mums in similar positions ? It all sounds so easy to suggest but i know its not easy to initiate positive changes when your feeling down. So maybe small steps for now as part of a wider plan ? Things will always start to improve with drink out of our systems, so its great you are here and striving to deal with your alcohol problem. Keep using all your supports here to stop you feeling so isolated and you will soon feel a bit clearer and stronger. Take care, i wish i could be of more help, it is good you are here <:)>

Much love and best wishes, nicky xx
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

Rose13
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Rose13 » 30 Jul 2017 19:37

Thanks Nicky,
I appreciate you posting and you have helped. I know i need to make some changes and try and be strong. I am just worried about my mood but hopefully i might feel a bit better tomorrow. So much has happened in my life and after a difficult childhood and early adulthood i thought id made some good changes and progressed in life and the last few years just plumited again. But tomorrow is another day and i am going to bed AF so thats a good start.
best wishes and thanks again for your support.

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Shadowlad
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Shadowlad » 30 Jul 2017 19:48

Your'e doing the right thing Rose talking about how you feel, its important not to bottle things up. Well done on staying AF today, that's a huge positive ;)?

<:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

Rose13
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Rose13 » 30 Jul 2017 20:06

;)?

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