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Supportive Partners

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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TooFarTony
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by TooFarTony » 20 Oct 2009 19:38

It's taken me three years to realise that she was right. But I do accept that I need help and I will stop this trainwreck and get myself fixed.

And if someone can let me know if it's normal, this early on, to be swinging from positive thinking one minute, to floods of tears the next? Cos that's how my day has been so far!! Lol.
Going too far, for far too long.

Tink
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Tink » 20 Oct 2009 20:30

TooFarTony wrote:It's taken me three years to realise that she was right. But I do accept that I need help and I will stop this trainwreck and get myself fixed.

And if someone can let me know if it's normal, this early on, to be swinging from positive thinking one minute, to floods of tears the next? Cos that's how my day has been so far!! Lol.
I am not a pro but as for me that answer would definitely be a big yes! But as you should know and as I am telling my granddaughter who is 2 but can say this now, NORMAL IS RELATIVE. :lol:

YES IN OTHER WORDS , IT WAS NORMAL FOR ME. IT IS GETTING BETTER NOW AFTER ABOUT 4 OR 5 MONTHS SO YOU WILL BE OK. NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO HAVE PMS OR GO THROUGH THE CHANGE OF LIFE. :lol: :lol: <:)> <:)> <:)> <:)> <:)>
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Life is a journey not a destination. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.

Tink
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Tink » 21 Oct 2009 00:33

I know!!! I use to have that and now I have it all the time! It is THE CHANGE for me!

I am hot, I am cold, I am happy, sad , sick tired Blah, blah,blah! I am just a crazy biiach sometimes and that is all there is to it. I just blame it all on the change but I don't think Tony can do that. HMMMM? Don't worry Tony, I am creative I will come up with something for ya mate. <:)>
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<:)> <:)> <:)> <:)> <:)> <:)> <:)> <:)>
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Life is a journey not a destination. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.

daisyduke
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by daisyduke » 25 Oct 2009 20:52

My boyf of 2 years has just told me he cant put up with my drinking anymore. We have split up quite a few times now over it but he said to me just now that he cant do it anymore, he has no more support left in him for me. I feel like sht. He is angry that I wont go to AA, but I dont want to - the emphasis is on god and I dont believe in god. I told him i joined this site today and its a better help to me already. I dont want to just stop drinking though. I was to learn to drink normally. Right now, I am just not drinking at all, but I know that in social situations, I will want to drink and enjoy myself, but I want to learn to do that with just a couple, not get wasted and not remember anything. He says hes heard it all before from me, and just keeps watching me do it again and again. I told him Im trying as best I can, and every time I mess up I get back up and try again. I dont know how to get to that place I want to be?

Tink
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Tink » 26 Oct 2009 00:33

Hi Daisy,

For me I just set my goals. One day at a time. You must decide what you want for any of it to work. What goals do you want to set for yourself. What changes in your life do you want to make. How much or how little alcohol can you drink before it affects you and your life in a negative fashion. It is a personal choice really. No one can do that for you or really force you. It needs to come from inside you first. Trial and error is the usual way. Set a goal maybe when you go out and see if you can stop at it. If not you will know what you need to do from there. We are here for you and I hope it works out for you. I had to be abstinent. 1 is too many and 12 was not enough. I just don't stop until I am pissed. So after many years of denial and trying to drink socially I just stopped as it wasn't working for me. Just messed everything up. I am on day 20 again and I have been at this about 4 months now. I slipped a couple of times. Not bad but not good either. We are all on our own journey but in it we can walk together. Then we don't feel alone anymore. We have each other here and it is great!
Hang in there darlin and keep posting! <:)>

Teri/Tink
Life is a journey not a destination. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.

daisyduke
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by daisyduke » 27 Oct 2009 20:20

Thanks I'm now on day 4 of no drinking and feeling really good! This site is really helping me :D - glad I found it. I think everyone's honesty is really encouraging and makes you see that you're not alone in how you feel. It just makes you feel normal. It's nice to not have anyone making judgements like you would get in normal life from people. I'm still shy posting on here so that's all I'm saying.

Tink
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Tink » 27 Oct 2009 23:32

HI Daisy,

As for me I always say that normal is relative. :lol:
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Life is a journey not a destination. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.

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Ninja
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Ninja » 28 Oct 2009 10:07

Hi Daisy,

Nice to meet you. Don't be shy here just join in. I think you need to ask yourself a few things. Do you love your boyfriend? Do you think you're really trying? Do you want to give up at all? There are certain things in life that have to come before your drinking. Is your boyfriend one of those things do you think? If he is then there's only one thing in my eyes that you can do and that is to give up. I had the same situation but I've been drinking it a lot longer than you. I am someone who can't stop at one so abstinence was my only choice or lose the person I love forever. No competition really. Your story rings a bell with me and I fully understand what you are both going through. He must love you as he's still there but by the skin of his teeth by the sounds of it. You already said you have stopped for 4 days and feel good so why not continue a bit further and see what happens. You'll be able to show him that you mean business this time. If he's important to you then I'm sure you will see sense and do the right thing. I try to understand peoples predicaments but also speak how I see it. If I offend anyone then I'm the first to apologise but it won't change my viewpoint. I'm certainly not judging you but giving you my point of view. It's not an expert opinion just my own experience and has worked for me. Some of us just can't have one drink so we have to not "try" anymore but just "do". It's very hard and I slipped a couple of times but you can get there if you really want it. Post all your thoughts or questions on here, you will always get an answer from someone. There are some great stories that might help you also in past posts so have a look back and see. I will send you something to read that might help you figure things out a bit. What is that place you want to be? Good luck with it whatever it is you wish to achieve. I'm with you all the way mate. <:)>
Ninja. For my wife who I deeply love and Tink who helped me more than she'll ever know.

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Kittie
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Kittie » 28 Oct 2009 12:31

Hi Daisy,

please don't be shy, i felt like i was "talking" too much when i joined, but for me it was brilliant therapy - and it continues to be brilliant therapy.

I too almost lost my boyfriend, and he was hanging onto me with a single thread, not saying he is perfect but my drinking was causing a lot of our problems - now i can look at things clearly and discuss what he does to make me unhappy and he is trying hard to put things right too, but all the time i was being the abusive drunk monster there was no way he was going to put too much effort in - why would he? I am doing my best to stay sober, when i say "i might be able to control my drinking one day", i see the look in his face and he looks petrified, I'm not sure if i will be able too feel as strong as i do right now forever, at times i do feel like "oo a drink would be nice" but then i remember what i have to lose, and that is everything - I have escaped poverty and the loss of the man i adore by the skin of my teeth, I'm thankful for every day i get to feel happy - i was not happy before.

Four days is an excellent achievement - well done x
Kittie - working hard to be the best person i can be.

http://keepmesober.blogspot.com/

Ho Ho Ho only a few more sleeps to go...

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Bela
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Bela » 28 Oct 2009 12:33

Daisy, we have a "cutting down" thread for those who wish to continue drinking at moderate levels.
We don't see lots of successes there (although it happens occasionally), because it is extremely hard and because there is some self selection going on here at BE -- most of us will not suceed at cutting down because we are here because we have self defined problems with alcohol and it's really just best for us not to drink at all. But if you are determined to not give up booze, you might find some relevant discussion on that thread. My personal opinion is that even if your goal is moderate drinking you likely need to put some good distance (months not weeks or days) between yourself and drink for best chances of success. I know there are exceptions to every rule, but that's the way I see the probabilities. Cutting down is an acceptable course on BE and it is an accomplishment for sure, but you need to consider your prospects of success in the cold sober light of day. All that said, welcome to BE; we will support you in acheiving your goals. <:)> Bela
Whatever works.

Cravings stop going where they aren't fed.

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Kittie
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Kittie » 01 Nov 2009 11:57

Hello everyone,

my partner has been really quite supportive, but every now and then he makes certain comments that make me feel just awful. This just happened a few moments ago, i've smoked two cigarettes and started polishing but I'm still feeling pretty horrible, so thought i would hop on here for a bit as it always seems to make me feel a bit better.

So i woke up felt great, finally had a good nights sleep and felt really very happy in myself, i tied up the cupboards in the kitchen which were really quite messy and felt good after having a spring clean.

My OH wakes up, its all lovely and nice and then i say to him how i feel so happy and that i am moving on with my life. He thing brings up a situation that happened over a year ago, a moment when i was at a house party and everyone was drinking a lot (except him as he was driving) everyone was having a lovely time, and it was about 12 at night when we were going to head home, we were invited to stay over and i said lets do it - but he wanted to go home. So i agreed just asked to finish my glass of wine, and even my friend said "come on let the girl finish her wine!" OH was tired and just wanted to get home, which is fair enough.I fell asleap in the car on the way home, it was late and had a bit to drink - but i wasnt totally out of my tree.

So when i say i feel happy he says about this night out, and does some stupid impression of me "drunk" and it really hurt.

It seems every time i am super positive he wants to say something to "remind" me of what i was, i keep telling him this isnt helping me move on, it just upsets me and that i understand what i have done but i am desperately trying to move on. If i get negative he says "well just go and get drunk then" which also doesnt help.

I understand he is hurting, and that it must have been awful - but am i being unreasonable asking him to stop doing impressions of me and bringing up all the bad stuff? Its more annoying as there is some things he has done to me about the way i look, he was obbsesed about me being thin and used to tell me everyday (and our relationship was very difficult, lots of other things happened but i dont want to drag it all up as it just makes me feel awful - just so you know i wasnt drinking at the time) and this lasted for well over 5 years and really bashed my confidence. when i bring this up he tells me to move on - just seems a little unfair that he wants me to move on, but keeps dragging up the stuff i've done. He doesnt understand that now he is being more affectionate with me, because i am a nicer person (i am the first to admit this) but its hard for me, as before the drinking was all the confidence bashing stuff and it does make me feel a bit awkward at time - as those issues were never really talked about - unless i was shouting about it after a bottle of wine.

Not sure really why i needed to put this out there, i guess i felt so happy and for him to bring that up just made me feel horrible, which i didnt need the day before starting a new job - i feel a bit better now. I guess i feel cross that he wants me to forget what he did, but i'm not allowed to forget what i did - and if i'm not allowed to forget and move on despite how strong i want to be - i think eventually its going to get too much for me and i'm scared that might make me go back to being what i was - when that is the last thing i want in the world.

Sorry for the depressing tone and the groaning! back to polishing shortly and i will be back to my usual bubbley self :) phew thank goodness for this forum and the opportunity to just "blurt it all out"
Kittie - working hard to be the best person i can be.

http://keepmesober.blogspot.com/

Ho Ho Ho only a few more sleeps to go...

Tink
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Tink » 03 Nov 2009 14:48

Kitty,

Sorry I did not see your post till now. <:)> :roll:
I know how that feels and I know how defeated we can feel when that happens. My OH is very good at pointing out all that is bad and over looking all that is good. It is called being a negative person. May be something in them that makes them that way and it is so sad isn't it? Sorry for their luck mate. I like the song by Cheryl Crow ,I'm gonna soak up the Sun. Go to YouTube and look it up and play it. It always makes me feel better when he has tried to bust my bubble. :mrgreen: Sometimes people are just jerks and we can't do anything about them. We can only change us. " Out lives stand before us and scream louder than we can shout" Emerson. When my OH does that to me I have one for him that shuts him up. " Hmmm, People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones my dear." That puts a stop to that quickly and if he is in front of folks when he does it they will comment that it is so true. No one likes someone poking at someone else when they are trying and if you use that comeback it opens the door for them to say so. He might learn a lesson from it. He won't like it though so you will have to deal with pouting most likely. He will change though in the long run if you do. Some folks just can't stand to see another person happy when they are miserable themselves. Such is life. We will learn to handle it without alcohol to bury the pain and if they try to inflict more pain we must learn to put it right back on their plate and not take it into ourselves. It is a reflection on them when they behave like that not you. It makes them look bad not you. It is them showing an very ugly side of themselves that they should not be proud of. So don't fret about it darlin, you are a doll and make this a better world. You are a asset here and most likely everywhere you go. His colors show and your sparkle does too. He will learn his lesson if you just stay you. He needs to take a lesson or two from the kind and supportive soul that you are and then he will grow up. He needs you to help him see the light. You will do it. Keep the faith and stay strong and sweet as you are. He will come around someday. <:)> <:)> <:)>
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Your friend, Tink
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Life is a journey not a destination. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.

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Kittie
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Kittie » 03 Nov 2009 21:50

Thank you so much Tink you really are a wonderful person, thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and reply, your words always lift my spirits, and make me feel special - you have helped me so much!

thank you

K x
Kittie - working hard to be the best person i can be.

http://keepmesober.blogspot.com/

Ho Ho Ho only a few more sleeps to go...

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Yorkie
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Yorkie » 03 Nov 2009 22:31

Hi Kitty, just read your post - and Tinks wonderful reply...Tink, you're Great and thank God we have you on here with us... <:)>

Kitty, looking at this from the outside, It occurs to me that your OH could be feeling a bit insecure right now, he will see that you have changed and are becoming this wonderful, happy confident person...could be that in the past, your weakness gave him strength..and now he cannot draw from you anymore...and it's possible that he could feel that he is losing you.

It also sounds to me like he might be holding on to resentments, could it be that in the past, he has been to scared to say anything for fear of reprisals ? and now that you are calm and open, he feels safe to let stuff come out ? Sorry if this sounds blunt, and please don't be upset - it's just my view.

Any way, regardless of what he is feeling, It does not give him the right to negate your positive efforts...Like Tink says, stand your ground, and do not let him bring you down...none of us are perfect, and im sure that it will not do him any harm to be reminded of this...
You are doing so well, and even if OH is making things bumpy, we are here for you, and hopefully, you and OH will be able to work things out and move onto better ground. So, go and soak up the sun x x I love that song too.

Sending you both lots of love and light - Yorkie <:)>
ps, and love and light to you too Tink <:)>
In order to be truly happy in this life I have to give up all hope of a better past.

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Ninja
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Ninja » 04 Nov 2009 11:02

Here is a little something for my "other" supportive partner who is rather special to me. I feel I have to give praise where it's due.

I’d like to say that my mate Tink
Gives great answers as she sits and thinks
Her time is used for the help of others
You can tell she’s been an incredible mother
Her understanding and care to make you feel better
Is from the heart you can tell with each letter
Consideration and love is given to all
Even when the EAF comes to call
With an open mind and an open heart
In everyones problems she always takes part
I admire you Tink you are special to me
You help me give up and now I'm free
From that poison that was killing my life
And now I get to keep my beautiful wife
Although your life is a little messed
Soon with happiness you will be blessed
Be patient my friend and it will come to you
I give you my word that I’ll help you through
Now enough of this mush it’s making me cry
Say “I will” and “I’ll do” and not “I’ll try”

Yorkie is right Tink, thank god we have you. <:)>
Ninja. For my wife who I deeply love and Tink who helped me more than she'll ever know.

Tink
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Tink » 04 Nov 2009 14:42

Thank you for the incredibly kind words. Thank you so much. <:)>
Ninja <:)> Yorie <:)> Kitty <:)> . :cry: :D

Yorkie, Maybe? Who knows what is going on with him. As you know when someone is drinking on a daily basis they do not reason or think as most sober folks do. You cannot help someone if they do not want or think that they need it. You just have to live with it and wait until they decide that it is time to do something about it if they ever do. It affects their health,thinking and every other aspect of their life. Until they see that and feel that they need to do something the person living with them just has to be patient and try in anyway they can to help them see. I do try. Sadly though he is one who thinks that it will never be him, never happen to him and he can hide it from the world. He even tries to hide it from me now. So sad. It is also good though in a way. It means that he is beginning to see that maybe something is wrong and if not he wouldn't hide it now would he? Not that when he is drinking I like it but I just say nothing, it is more my actions and that I avoid him now when he is drinking. Just do my own thing. It is not good for me to see him drunk or to be around him when he is like that. I can't do it. It makes me so depressed and sick inside. So, I just avoid him when he is like that. We may talk in the morning while he is sober but by noon he is at it when he is here and that is when I just go my own way. Just how it goes. I have to look out for me right now and I can only help him if he wants help. I am nice and kind. I try not to be resentful of him and realize the pain he must be in from it all but he doesn't have to do this. I have spoke to him about it and he knows I am here whenever he wants to be with me. I just can't deal with him drunk and stupid anymore. I use to be like that and he would have nothing to do with me at all. Just make fun and be cruel to me. Buy me the beer and then walk off laughing at me. Well, I am not drinking now and he still is. I am not laughing at him by any means. It is not funny or a joke. It is serious and could end up taking his life. Driving like that, he now has high blood pressure and other issues I am sure but will not tell me all of it as I tell him that the best way to help his health would be to cut our alcohol. Not a possibility he says. Where does that leave me? What should I do? How do I live like this and what are my options? These are the questions I ask myself everyday. Why is it like this? Why can't he change? Why doesn't he love me anymore like he should? What did I do to cause all this? How can I fix this? Why did I marry him? How can I get my life back? Why does it have to be like this? Why can't he just stop it and be a husband,father and grandpa? What the hell is the point? and on and on and on! Till my brain go into overload and I just say to myself, I do not care! I just want me to be OK for now and he will have to take care of himself! So I do my own thing now instead of getting drunk to just forget it all. He just don't get how he affects me and there fore affects allot of others as well with all this. Like a pebble in a pond. The ripples reach the other side never meeting the pebble that started them. This is how we affect all those around us. So Yorkie, if there is an answer inside him, maybe someday he will find it. I hope when he does it is not to late. I will just keep trying and let the door open. That is all I can do. Live my own life and leave the door open. I try to stay hopeful and positive but it can be very hard and sometimes almost impossible to do. That is when it is so good to have my family here. You all help me and keep me going. Giving me strength and encouragement to never give up and stay sober. This is a miracle for me and so many others. Hang in there my friends. I will. Thank God for all of you as well.<:)>

Thanks again, <:)>
Teri/Tink
(X...B.)
Life is a journey not a destination. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.

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Yorkie
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Yorkie » 04 Nov 2009 22:02

You are one strong and loving lady Tink.. Im so glad that we are friends...have a great trip, I'll send you positive vibes everyday, Lots of love Yorkie <:)> <:)>
In order to be truly happy in this life I have to give up all hope of a better past.

Tink
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Tink » 05 Nov 2009 15:40

Thanks Yorkie and you too Ninja <:)> <:)> <:)> <:)>
Thanks to all of you I can do this. I will have my phone and will check in here if need be. I Tink I can! I can,I will, I know! You are all my supportive partners and Ninja, what would I do without you! I remember what happened last time I did that!
tinkerbell pixie dust.gif
I do not want to face a spanking so I will be a good little pixie and stay off the drink, OK? <:)> :lol:
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Love, Teri/Tink
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Life is a journey not a destination. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.

brackishbetty
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by brackishbetty » 15 Dec 2009 20:37

not sure if im posting this in right section. just been to my alcohol counsellor today and hes not pleased. i told him my hubby (who doesnt drink) has put booze in the fridge for himself for crimbo. he says i might not be able to go in rehab now as if i come out to a situation were someone is sabotaging my efforts whats the point. i dont know what to do now. hubby says im gonna fail anyway. god i wish i could wave a magic wand right now. i dont know why hubby wants me to fail and drink
bit confused right now. and drinking tonight sigh
in the midst of winter, i found within me an invincible summer

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Kittie
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Re: Supportive Partners

Post by Kittie » 15 Dec 2009 21:06

Hello lovely,

ask him to put it away somewhere else, if he doesnt drink he should be quite happy to do this - i hope he does help and support you, i really do.
Kittie - working hard to be the best person i can be.

http://keepmesober.blogspot.com/

Ho Ho Ho only a few more sleeps to go...

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