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When loved ones drink and you don't

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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piblokto
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When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by piblokto » 07 Apr 2008 11:23

My husband of 1yr and 4 months have a serious problem with drinking and I don't know what to do to help him. I got him to realise that he cannot always control his urge and that he drinks too often too much, but he thinks he can do it on his own and he clearly cannot - it plays havoc with our relationship and with his self-esteem which obviously makes things worse. I've at last spoken to his parents this weekend whom he respects very much in the hope that they might help him see that he needs to get some professional support and help. I have been driven to the extremes of despair and have even told him that if he doesn't find help with a group that I will leave. I REALLY don't want to leave but I cannot live like this anymore. Can anyone please suggest where I can perhaps get good guidance or do you please have advice? I just want to save my marriage and we just heard that I am 1 month pregnant and life could be so beautiful right now, if my husband and I can deal with this problem!!!

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Jan
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Re: Advice for a Family member

Post by Jan » 07 Apr 2008 11:46

Hello Piblokto,
Well done for posting. You are in the right place for lots of help and support.
Please don't leave your husband though - especially now you are pregnant. You are obviously nuts about the man and it seems a shame to let alcohol ruin a perfect family. There is lots of help you can get here.

It is possible to beat the evil alcohol fairy.

My suggestion to you will involve spending some money - not too much - for a sort of "starter pack".
I would suggest you buy the following:

Kudzu is a herbal remedy to help reduce the cravings. It does actually work for most of us. It is available on this site or from Holland and Barrett £9.99

Livercare or Milkthistle to help the liver regenerate. Again, Holland and Barrett

Multi vitamins. I use Berocca which is available in Tescos, Boots, H & B. They are reputed to replace the vitamins lost through drinking.

The Easyway to stop drinking by Allen Carr. Available at Amazon.

If your husband does genuinly want to stop or cut down then maybe tell him about this site and ask him to come and talk to us. We are a friendly bunch, we will help him (and you) all we can - and we'll be gentle with him!

All the best,
Jan

PS: I may try and move your post to another thread where you are more likely to be noticed and more people will respond. I think the 'New Members' section will be perfect. Stay online and watch the responses come in over the next couple of hours!

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Jan
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Re: Advice for a Family member

Post by Jan » 07 Apr 2008 11:53

Hello newly pregnant bunny!
Gosh, I remember that fear, that excitement, that totally blown away feeling of being newly pregnant. Deep joy! Lucky you... <:)>

I have moved your post to General - New Members section. Do have a look and stay on line.
Jan
Last edited by Jan on 07 Apr 2008 13:22, edited 1 time in total.

piblokto
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Re: Advice for a Family member

Post by piblokto » 07 Apr 2008 12:31

Thank you so much!!! For the advice and moving my post, darling. I'll go and tell hubby tonight about the suggestions and hopefully go and buy the necessary goodies straight after. I sms'ed him to say that I won't leave him and will support as much as I can. Obviously he was very relieved and feels recommitted to the cause, although I know its only a matter of time before the monster will show its ugly head - thats the most difficult part.

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Jan
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Re: Advice for a Family member

Post by Jan » 07 Apr 2008 13:00

We have lots of experience in Monster Bashing. Our monster is named the Evil Alcohol Fairy - but Fairy Bashing doesn't sound quite as PC as Monster Bashing. So let monster bashing commence......!

Tell your husband that this is a Monster Bashing site - not a boring (yawn) site for peeps with problems. It's much, much more fun than that!

Lily
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Please help - at the end of my tether!

Post by Lily » 13 May 2008 13:11

Crikey - where to start! :?:

My fiance and i have been together for 7 years now and its not been easy, not just because of the Alcohol but other reasons. My mum died just 4 weeks into the relationship and his father 3 years later.

He was in the army and may well have PTSD, he has recently come back from Iraq where he did a support role (not for the army), things seemed to get better and now they are a lot worse. He is drinking a lot and then putting it down to the point where my loving sweet caring fiance comes back. He then gets back on the drink and becomes a complete tw@.

I have made the mistake of having a drink with him in the past which is from sheer frustration - i have problems of my own a miscarriage which i kept buried until very recently - my child would have been 3 now. I never told anyone at the time and carried the pain with me.

I am finding it increasingly difficult to deal with everything on my own and feel like i'm at breaking point. I don't have a great amount of family support as my parents split up when i was a child. Friends seem to just call with their own issues and change the record when i want to talk.

I feel that i have to break away from the fiance now for his benefit as well as mine, i just want the best to happen - he cleans up we get back on track and live happily ever after which probably won't happen.

Despite the hell that i've been through i still love him more than anything, i just don't know what to do. i have lashed out at him in sheer frustration never to have him retaliate once - he'd never hurt me in any other way besides this.

His problem seems to be that he drinks to help with stress, i went to Al-Anon which didn't help me at all, the group were not welcoming in the slightest and they made me feel worse than he did. He is not like any of the examples they gave i.e drinks every day, cannot funstion without alcohol, doesn't eat, can't hold down a job.

So what the hell is he and what am i doing here - i need some love from him. He wants a child but doesn't seem to hear me saying that i won't bring a child into the world with parents who feel like this.

:cry:

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Anna
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Re: Please help - at the end of my tether!

Post by Anna » 13 May 2008 14:01

Lily wrote:I feel that i have to break away from the fiance now for his benefit as well as mine, i just want the best to happen - he cleans up we get back on track and live happily ever after which probably won't happen.
Hi Lily,
It sounds as though you have already been all around the houses with this one already and I think you have decided what to do, both for your sake and for your fiance's and its not as though you have any support ( re coping with his alcohol problem)from other people.
I do think you should go with what you feel is right even if its difficult to do. It sounds as though you're in limbo: not able to plan a future, going round and round with the alcohol problem and it really isn't one which you can solve for him.

I don't know if I'll sound really harsh saying this but look after yourself and don't let alcohol make a victim of you as well. You've tried and tried very hard until you're at 'breaking point'....that really is enough, you've done so well and care so deeply but making the break for your own health and sanity is a brave thing to do and , as you say, may help your fiance more than all the therapy and talking in the World.

Best of Luck.
<:)>
Anna.x
( Sometimes we ( the alcoholically challenged) need a good old shock, a boot up the backside and something to show us what a t@t we've been!)
Last edited by Anna on 13 May 2008 14:28, edited 1 time in total.

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Witchy1
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Re: Please help - at the end of my tether!

Post by Witchy1 » 13 May 2008 14:20

Welcome to BE Lily, you'll get plenty of support here so just try to stay strong and do what's right for you, it will come to you in time xx
It is not our abilities that make us who we are; it is our choices

Lily
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Re: Please help - at the end of my tether!

Post by Lily » 13 May 2008 15:04

Thanks ever so much for all the support.

What is a major concern for me though i guess its also the same for anyone else that considers a break up is what he's going to do, how will he cope, will he eat, sleep, even harm himself.

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Witchy1
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Re: Please help - at the end of my tether!

Post by Witchy1 » 13 May 2008 16:28

Lily, I understand your worries about how your fiance will cope if you leave him, but as others have said, he's an adult and he's not your responsibility. I have personal experience of living with a drug and alcohol addict but I made the mistake of marrying him and having a child with him too. I loved him and I truly believed that he would get over his problem. He never did and I left him when our daughter was less than two years old. I think you have a chance here to get away before your life is eternally tied to his. There may always be a part of you that will always love this man but sadly that just isn't enough, he has to love himself too and there's nothing at all you can do to help him. It's sad but true, the only person who can change him is him xxx
It is not our abilities that make us who we are; it is our choices

Lily
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Re: Please help - at the end of my tether!

Post by Lily » 13 May 2008 16:58

Regardless of what happens, he will always occupy a place in my heart of hearts, he seriously is the best guy ever. On a perfection rate (before this happened anyway) i would have given him a 99% out of 100

To be honest, its a shame that we can't just have a nice meal out and a few glasses of wine together in enjoyment instead of stomach churning dread of the next few days.

I'm so damn scared of waking up next to a corpse, he had pain in his liver/kidney area a few weeks ago which seemed to scare the hell out of him, i just knew though as soon as the pain had passed he'd start again. I have a mate who's just had a kidney transfusion and his body is rejecting it - where's the justice in that.

Thanks for being here for me, i'm so so angry, upset, scared, afraid at the moment. Then i feel happy, strong and have a don't mess with me anymore attitude, they're all just wrestling at the moment.

<:)> to you all

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Anna
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Re: Please help - at the end of my tether!

Post by Anna » 13 May 2008 22:34

Lily,
I do hope things work out <:)>
Take care and do keep posting if it helps,
Really nice to meet you,
Anna.x

Excited
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Re: Please help - at the end of my tether!

Post by Excited » 13 May 2008 22:51

Dear Lily, you've had such good support and advice from everyone here so all I'm doing is adding a bit more. I did wonder if you'd talked to your doctor about things? Maybe I'm just lucky but I have a brilliant GP, so maybe he/she could help. Has your fiance had any help from the army re-possible PTSD?
Take care of yourself and let us know how you get on.

Love
E x
<:)>

sue
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Re: Please help - at the end of my tether!

Post by sue » 13 May 2008 23:03

Lily, the answer will come to you, follow your heart <:)> <:)> <:)>
Love Sue xxx

Lily
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Re: Please help - at the end of my tether!

Post by Lily » 14 May 2008 14:03

Thats the problem, my heart wants him though something else is saying be strong and leave.

I've just spoken to him (he's off work today) and he's still sober. I told him last night and again this morning that he has to give up the drink or we're over and he seems ok so far.

I have looked on the Internet at houses/flats available to let so i know where i stand.

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Re: Please help - at the end of my tether!

Post by icarus » 14 May 2008 15:40

Hi Lily,

Your post really hit home with me. The fact that you obviously have so much love and care in your heart but are still focused on the big picture is an inspiration. I know that my priorities where all too blurred to see that I had options, but it was up until certain point that I realized I needed help.

The fact that you are posting here and receiving help and support in your situation, may lead you to the clarity that you are seeking. I encourage you vent as much as you need to while knowing that you have an immense amount of support here. I look forward to reading more of your posts...

Be Well,


Icarus

Lily
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Re: Please help - at the end of my tether!

Post by Lily » 14 May 2008 16:45

Thanks all for the great help that you are all giving to me, please just let me know exactly what you think - there's nothing harsh in the truth.
When i went to Al-Anon meetings, the people there seemed really preachy and said to do this that and the other, they seemed to label him based on their own experiences, as i said earlier he has never done any of the things that they had. Yes he has a problem and has admitted that so hopefully thats a good start. We work at the same company and when he's sober he says how great he feels and how much he loves the feeling so who knows.

I kind of feel like something snapped inside me, and i finally told myself that no matter what happens we will always have a great amount of love for each other. Now i have stopped running after him and cleaning up after him i feel a whole lot better. Where he falls i leave him. I try not to rant though i've slipped up on that one this week! I really do hope we get there, although i am rather up and down at the moment on that one.

I have to keep focussed on the bigger picture at the end of the day i have my own life to look after and live. i went through a very dark period shortly after mum died of depression and sometimes desperation. No matter what happens i refuse to go there again.

Hopefully i'll find the answers one day and hopefully soon, until that day comes its great that i've found a bunch of incredible people that i can talk to.

Thanks
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Re: Please help - at the end of my tether!

Post by mitch » 14 May 2008 16:57

Hi Lily, In my humble opinion and to analogize...I think you are traveling down the right road and obeying the posted signs and doing your utmost to arrive saftely and arrive alive. I really think your going to be a winner! Shoot...you are a winner!!

Mitch

Lily
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Re: Please help - at the end of my tether!

Post by Lily » 15 May 2008 08:59

Well, he's gone off to work this morning and seems pretty bright. I read a message which hit home with me last night. I really hadn't thought much beyond the fact that he's arrived home from two conflicts safe and sound. I thought well you're home be happy for that, i really hadn't thought much about what he could have seen. I know about NI or as much as he's prepared to tell me.
We briefly discussed counselling which he has said that he needs though i think the army kind of robotizes a person to the point where they become emotional cripples if you like.
I'm a little mixed up this morning, when the sober guy is back all seems rosey.

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Re: Please help - at the end of my tether!

Post by djbrice » 15 May 2008 12:18

Hi lily,
You mentioned that your partner has recently returned from Iraq and that you feel he my be experincing PTSD.
Did he recieve any counselling when he got back.Being in the army is a pretty big deal these days as these brave men are pushed to some extremes.
Maybe hes drinking to cope with some of the things he saw that bothered him and just can,t talk about it as they a very proud men and can find such things as a sign of weakness.
I hope that you could sit down with him and maybe talk to him and reasure him that there is help for him and that by drinking this is compounding whatever it is that is making him feel the need to drink.
Maybe you could point out to him how very proud of him you are how proud he should feel about him self to let it be ruined by drinking,you could tell him theres one person who is very grateful for what hes done and thats me.
At the end of the day its his decision to address the problem or not,I know what you must be feeling as I put my ex through hell with my drinking,and my poor mother has been at her wits end with worry over my failing health and I'm only 35.Thankfully I am now getting some help and hope to one day be sober.
I hope you and your partner can get the help you both require and that it all ends happily for the both of you. <:)> <:)>

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