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When loved ones drink and you don't

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
Catarina
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Re: You've stopped drinking but your partner hasn't!

Post by Catarina » 12 Jul 2012 00:40

Hi! Too late to have found this conversation for me, since I simply cannot lead life with my ex bf anymore... There are issues to solve, but mainly rubbish, I just don´t want to go bak to where I was.
Explained a bit better on the 7 day challenge but am confused at the moment. Maybe I should have posted it here... Oh, well, too tired now to type again.
I will come back and check if everything is going well,. Hereagain, how did the coveraotion develop?
I do wish all you oh can be supportive and af, or at least drink far away! Stay strong. I didn´t, so will know better from now on.
Night!!!!!!!!!!!

Hereagain
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Hereagain » 12 Jul 2012 18:16

Well last night was very positive. OH came over (with a very nice pressie - always helps lol) and had been to his GP who basically told him in no uncertain terms that if he carried on with his lifestyle as it is he would be very lucky to reach 50 - as he is 45 I think to say he was shocked was somewhat of an understatement. I think we all know deepdown that our habits and addictions are doing us no favours at all but to have it said to you straight is a wake up call.

Anyhow we had a lovely evening - we did go to the pub as it was a nice evening for a while (I had diet coke and he had a shandy) He also brought 4 alcohol-free beers with him for when we went home and I cooked dinner and we had a lovely evening. He says that he can't see himself giving up completely but wants to cut-down big time. I know the dangers of that myself but I think if I pile on any more pressure it will be too much so hope that gradually he will see AF is the only option. He has also said that he wants to drive over the weekend when we go out so drinking is not an option for him - so fingers-crossed that he can stay in this mindset. I also said that I would support him in anyway I can but I need to be my number one priority and he understands that. So will see what the future brings but I am certainly feeling more hopepful than before.

Now time to concentrate on me and my goals - I have had 17 alcohol free days out of 18 days so want to press on and stay on this road to recovery :)

TT - I hope you managed to talk to you OH <:)> <:)>
Katarina - you are so doing the right thing and it is what you need to do for yourself <:)> <:)>
Paula - Hope you are breezing through week 7 <:)> <:)>
Now that I know better I do better

Hereagain
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Hereagain » 12 Jul 2012 18:17

Sorry 'Catarina'! :)
Now that I know better I do better

Catarina
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Re: You've stopped drinking but your partner hasn't!

Post by Catarina » 12 Jul 2012 21:06

paula wrote:Hi Catarina,

I read your post on the 7 day thread. I hadn't realised how difficult it had been with your ex. Well done for making the break and getting away from his negativity.

Have a good AF day. I have great faith that you can do it. <:)>
Thank you so much, my dear! I don´t know how to handle the exchanging house keys and other little details so am praying that he leaves it to later, texts me now to ask how my days are, ridiculous, what does he care after what he said????
Oh, well, off to play with the children, hope to get back and properly read all your posts!
Love,
Cat

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Tired Trying
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Tired Trying » 12 Jul 2012 22:29

Hi All

just checked in before logging off.

Hereagain, it is a step forward my OH hasn't had anything for two nights but the weekend will be interesting. He also says he can control his drinking...I am not so sure...it remains to be seen but like you I am not pressurising.

Catarina...I said before on another thread on this forum. I am trying to avoid toxic people and situations (and toxic beverages ;) ). It is sometimes worth standing back and looking at the things that bring us down...if they do then they have no place in our life. <:)>

Paula..hope you are staying strong. I have been inspired by your strength and I have had my eyes open on this thread as it has been a great insight into my own relationship.

Hope anyone else who has been struggling with the OH Grendelslip, DD, GiG and Mitch and anyone else I have missed. Keep that EAF at bay for another day.

Joy
Shoulder to the wind.

caz2626
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by caz2626 » 13 Jul 2012 02:52

My OH drinks i dont. but this is how i feel right now.............

To kill a soul in the USA,
will get you 10 on death row,
To take with a knife in the UK,
will end up 25 to life,
Mame assault or ABH is solitary for the juration,
Steal a handbag would put you on probation.

But to watch a life being taken,
drained abused a soul too soon,
the spark dampened thats beyond repair,
IS FOR EVER and causes such despair,
and for me to be of no help,
only heightens the uselessness felt.

Then this is my sentence too my death row,my 25 to life,my solitary crime,
If it were just the handbag i'd serve my time,
without a fight,if this meant things could be put right.

Countless hours of stress and fear,
has not let this problem disappear,
but merely caused its opposite.
Solutions lies only within ones soul,veer off this path,change this course,
create a new goal.
Time is short,but the pain is long the journey tough,
till the day dawns that you can say Todays the day ENOUGH IS ENOUGH !!
That day may never come for me and my OH.

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George
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by George » 13 Jul 2012 08:57

It sounds as if you have a terrible time there caz and you've described it very well. I hope that it improves quickly!!!
“Now I’m sober and I realize, I didn’t drink to escape the world, I drank to escape myself”
― Phil Volatile, Crushed Black Velvet

caz2626
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by caz2626 » 13 Jul 2012 23:24

Thank you GEORGE ;)? it is nice to know people take notice of how you feel i wrote it to give to my other half last night,i looked at it and thought would he really care perhaps not, if a person doesn't give a damm what they are doing to those around them destroying everything in their path words wont change them, i would'nt mind if this makes him happy, a better person but its does not moods, anger, he slobbers he stinks even sweats alcohol, my family probably thinks he is a drunk fouled mouthed chain smoking money wasting b**t**D and sometimes i agree with them he is keeping us poor, yesterday i found money gone we have been selling stuff ready to move house things we dont need and had few hundred pounds put aside to help with costs i looked in the safe and most of it was gone he said expenses! and will replace it, that wont happen as this happens everytime, he takes it never tells anyone. I have stopped enabling him stopped bailing him out of debts fines etc he choses to drink its killing him BUT im living a death sentence too every single day.He says im controlling so whats he doing? he is controllng my present and my future.thanks George.

Cate
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Cate » 14 Jul 2012 11:22

Hello everyone,

Hope you don´t mind me jumping in. I´ve read a few of the posts just now and wanted to say how I admire your strength in the fight to stay AF whilst being with a partner with a problem.

I´ve been AF the same amount of time as Paula and I´m really pleased and relieved about it. I feel so much better.
My OH drinks to much too. Sometimes he stops when he gets more health conscious or wants to lose weight and he seems to manage quite well. He will NEVER ever talk about it.
I tended to drink when arriving home after work as so many of us do and on social occasions. He tends to drink on social occasions and through the day at work. :( and stops when we get home.
We work together and I´ve had some very stressful times due to this drinking of his.
I´ve also found it a trigger for me as I get so very frustrated and just sort of feel "if you can´t beat em join em" sort of thing.

Right now he´s away and before he went we were having a pretty awful time mainly because of his drinking. I think he´s feeling bad about it all and thinking of "controlling " again. I´m pretty sure he won´t be drinking on the job there.
I´m just worried about when he comes home. I love him and can´t imagine being without him but sometimes I get scared that he won´t be able to control and that he´ll go the same way as my my stepfather went. Dead. leaving my mother in a mess ( also alcoholic) financially, physically and all the rest.
I know I´m not out of the woods yet either ( although this time I do feel different) but I so want us both to rid ourselves of this poison that wrecks our life together.

I just hope that him seeing me staying AF will help him make the decision to do the same.

Sorry, I guess I just needed to vent my worries.

Keep looking after yourselves.
“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”
― Lao Tzu

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dlm
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by dlm » 15 Jul 2012 14:58

Hi,

I am not sure whether I should be posting on this thread, as myself and my BF broke up because I went AF and he didn't, knew he wouldn't, and I knew myself I couldn't saty with him if he carried on.
But anyhow, I am lurking on this thread as it somehow close to my heart - a couple of ye on here know me from the 2 month challenge thread (paula, cate, catarina).
My ex still texts me now and again (when he is drunk), but today just takes the biscuit!
He has come into some close shaves whilst drunk in his time (serious injuries and very silly stupid ones). And I know I shouldn't care now, but somehow I still do. He broke his ankle in two places and his tibia last night and is having an op tomorrow. I mean, this has to be the last straw for him now, surely? He will lose his job for taking yet more time off work....he has been taking the p**s lately reagrding that anyway. He can't keep on like this, he will ruin his life. I for one, am glad I am no longer with him as this would have been the nail in the coffin for us.
I know that a couple of things made me finally sit up and think 'no more' - two black eyes were one of them (fell over and banged my head!) - but what will it take for him to finally say 'enough'???
Sorry guys, don't know why I am feeling frustrated, but I still care that he is doing this to himself - whatwill it be next? Choking on his own vomit? He has no family here, so surely his friends are getting sick of bailing him out at this stage :roll:

Dlm

Edited to explain black eyes!!
Last edited by dlm on 16 Jul 2012 22:10, edited 1 time in total.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"

Mary Anne Radmacher

Hereagain
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Hereagain » 16 Jul 2012 20:32

Dim

I think you have enough to deal with trying to address your own drinking issue. Of course you still care about your ex-boyfriend but quite honestly if he has hit you whether drink-related or not then you really must keep him out of your life now. Sorry if this sounds harsh but surely you don't want to put yourself in that situation and enable him to be physically abusive towards you?

It sounds like you are winning the battle of being AF so please concentrate on you and your own well-being. <:)> <:)>
Now that I know better I do better

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dlm
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by dlm » 16 Jul 2012 22:07

Oh gosh,

:oops:

No he didn't hit me, sorry,I can see why you would think that! No,I fell whilst (trying to) pick up my bag on the floor and hit my head full on the floor. Don't remember hitting my nose but I must have done!
God am mortified...I am one of the lucky ones, I have never been hit by a guy.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"

Mary Anne Radmacher

Hereagain
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Hereagain » 17 Jul 2012 06:07

My sincere apologies Dim - I misunderstood your post :oops:

From what you say you weren't happy in your relationship and if your ex is still drinking as heavily as you say it won't help your own efforts in any way. You are doing great and I admire your strength (::)

I have recently 'confronted' my partner on his drinking as I knew I would not be able to stay in the relationship if he continues to drink as he does. Coupled with my own problem it was becoming a recipe for disaster. However, thankfully, he seems to have taken what I said on board and even went to his GP. Anyhow, he has definitely started to cut down significantly and has been buying alcohol free beers to drink at home (instead of a 6 pack of beer and a bottle of wine to wash down in the evening!). We had a lovely weekend without all the alcohol so am optimistic for a brighter future for us both.
Now that I know better I do better

Cate
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Cate » 17 Jul 2012 10:36

Hi everyone,

Dim - Hope you´re feeling better now. It´s only normal that you still care what happens to your ex but you also know that he´s the one that has to make the decisions and do the work towards a better and healthier life. You´ve done it, are doing it and that´s what you´ve got to concentrate on.
Maybe this will be his "Rock bottom" that they say a lot of us need to reach before actually doing something about getting out of it.

Hereagain - Lovely to hear you´re feeling optimistic about the future for you both. I hope it all works out for you.
“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”
― Lao Tzu

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dlm
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by dlm » 17 Jul 2012 22:37

Thanks guys,

Just needed to vent I guess - it just made me so angry.
I do hope thingswork out between you and BF hereagain :)
And thanks Cate :)

Dlm
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"

Mary Anne Radmacher

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Tired Trying
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Tired Trying » 18 Jul 2012 13:33

OH had tomato juice and lea & P last night.

Went for brekkie before starting work (we don't have kitchen atm as renovating). He said something about a book he was reading about goal setting........hhhhhhhhmmmmm.

I cannot believe that standing my ground appears to be eliciting changes in him too. ()o

Time will tell.

Joy
Shoulder to the wind.

Hereagain
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Hereagain » 18 Jul 2012 15:59

I am so pleased for you TT - lead by example huh?! The other person has to want to do it but it looks like your OH wants to so good luck to you both - I am sure you will find it so much easier to achieve together \:)/
Now that I know better I do better

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dlm
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by dlm » 21 Jul 2012 21:49

Hi Paula,

Good for you - it is all out in the open now so thats good. Has any of his friends mentioned about you not drinking? Stay strong my dear.

How is everyone else doing?

Well the update from me is that I got a text from my ex last night saying he had drunk 3 bottles of wine and taken an overdose of pills - he ended up getting his stomach pumped. He says he has 'finally given up' and he is going to addiction counsellor on Monday. We shall see. I am glad he has finally hit rock botton like I did, shame it took much more for him, but as I said the only way is up now. I am not going back with him, no way, but I wish him well.

Dlm
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"

Mary Anne Radmacher

Hereagain
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Hereagain » 22 Jul 2012 11:47

Hi Paula & Dim

Maybe your chat with your boyfriend will make him see you only care about his well-being Paula (he is lucky to have you) The problem is as we know when you re in the grip of an addiction you can t always see things as they really are. I feel like you too - I don t want to spend all my time in the pub - even though I m not drinking -it s just boring!

My OH spent the last part of the week in hospital with suspected appendicitis but it turns out it is a kidney problem. He has a scan next week to see what is going on. He also has boils and I am now wondering if he has liver problems too. So yesterday (the day after coming out of hospital) he drinks five pints of lager! Wtf?!

I am beyond words really and last night he was saying how worried he is and almost courting sympathy - I wanted to scream why the hell are you drinking then?! We are due to go on holiday with my children in two weeks and I don t want to let them down but think I am going to grit my teeth until afterwards and then I know I have to make a decision about us. I probably sound really callous but I don t think I can stay with him while he continues this path :cry:

Sorry for venting but feel really fed up today as I truly believed I had got through to him but it seems not.
Now that I know better I do better

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Tired Trying
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Tired Trying » 22 Jul 2012 14:10

HI all

wanting to start another thread about people trying to control US. Can't seem to find how to start a new thread tho'

can someone point me in right direction?

Joy
Shoulder to the wind.

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