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When loved ones drink and you don't

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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DannyD
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by DannyD » 22 Jul 2012 14:13

Ask a mod (people in green: sheila, sandy, Ragner...)
be selfish in your sobriety.

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Sheila » 22 Jul 2012 14:15

Hi Joy

Its only mods or admin that can start new threads. If you can't find one suitable, pop your request on the ideas thread (general recovery) and one of us will pick it up and put it on the mods board for discussion.
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Tired Trying » 22 Jul 2012 14:39

Thanks DD, I will just post what I wanted to say here.

My OH....

I have posted before about how we have both been big drinkers, sometimes I feel it has been the only thing that has kept us together.

Now, everything is changing because I haven't drunk for 16 days...I guess he thought I would buckle as usual. I have been the one who for years has been screaming for change, trying to stop...lasting 3 days at a time because he has still been drinking and I have succumbed to keep the *closeness*. We have been staying in different parts of our house and have, in the past, been to see lawyers about divorce.

One of the things I have came to realise that over the past 20 years my OH and his immediate family have a tendency to sweep things under the carpet, cover up, present a facade about many, many things. If you try to voice a disagreement you are seen as belligerrent, no matter how nicely you try to address it. If they don't agree then it's not even up for discussion.

There are quite a few things that I have kept quiet about even though I have been hurt or upset about someone's actions. I think this has contributed towards my drinking as I have "swallowed" my anger.

Now I am sober, I tried to ask my OH about something today regarding our son, who works for my OH and appears to be quite aimless in his outlook as the family will always provide a job for him (lots of family businesses).

I am concerned that my kids will just think that everything is handed to them on a plate, that they don't have to try too hard as someone else (Papa, Father, Gran Auntie or me) will provide. I feel my kids are turning into a pair of little takers and give nothing in return but my OH and in-laws have brought them up like that and if I resist, I am made out to be the bad one by denying them. My family brought me up to work hard for what you get and be thankful for what you have. My kids ( I see) are never thankful and even if getting something new, like cars etc then go on to moan about how a friend has something better...very materialistic.

The upshot of this is..when I tried to broach the subject of the kids with my OH, I was shot down in flames, accused of being accusatory and then it was cast up to me about how HE had made a point of not drinking in front of me last night and I was trying to spoil everything. He says he is trying to make things better and I just want to make things worse but I don't I just want to talk about things that concern me, but yet again, it's just cover up and ignore the problem.

I feel if I voice an opinion on anything I am wrong. I am so hacked off. In fact I feel bloody mad.

Does anyone else have people who control them (or try to) and did you feel it contributes to the drinking?

Joy

ps I ain't having a wobble in fact this has strengthened my resolve.
Last edited by Tired Trying on 22 Jul 2012 15:07, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Tired Trying » 22 Jul 2012 14:45

Sheila wrote:Hi Joy

Its only mods or admin that can start new threads. If you can't find one suitable, pop your request on the ideas thread (general recovery) and one of us will pick it up and put it on the mods board for discussion.
Hi Sheila

It's ok, it is a relationship thing so have posted here. Just wanted to vent about control, i.e people who control us.

Joy
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Tired Trying » 22 Jul 2012 14:56

paula wrote: I can't imagine a future with him if he continues as he is (drinking a lot daily) and I continue getting healthier and fitter and more sober. I went for a walk in the sun with one of his friends yesterday because he didn't want to walk. I like to be outdoors now and walking. And being in the pub when I'm not drinking is getting boring for me now.
I know exactly what you mean, I see drinkers as being sad and boring now. I just think it is an incredible waste of time and living now. I want to live....really live. :D

Joy
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Tired Trying » 22 Jul 2012 14:59

dlm wrote:Well the update from me is that I got a text from my ex last night saying he had drunk 3 bottles of wine and taken an overdose of pills - he ended up getting his stomach pumped. He says he has 'finally given up' and he is going to addiction counsellor on Monday. We shall see. I am glad he has finally hit rock botton like I did, shame it took much more for him, but as I said the only way is up now. I am not going back with him, no way, but I wish him well.

Dlm
You sound so strong Dlm, I feel if I do not get some kind of breakthrough with my OH I will have to go it alone. This makes me sad but I cannot live HIS way any more.

Joy
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by DannyD » 22 Jul 2012 15:09

Joy - by the time my husband left, I was a complete doormat: Jump? How high. When he said he was going I was distraut - how would i live without him? It's only after the reflection of years that I realise we were all much better off without him. Finances were a struggle, for all sorts of reasons I've mentioned before, but it was a relief to be in control of my life again. I'd never want to share my intimate living and life with any one again, mostly because I wuldn't want to lose that control.
But you've found a confidence in your sobriety and your self esteem is soaring. Can you make this life work for you; Does it have to be all or nothing?
At the same time - this isn't a practise run. What deathbed regrets can you avoid/change/do something about?
My biggest regret is that I went on drinking well past the sell by date.
XX

Edit just read 'His way any more'. Can you do a together way?
be selfish in your sobriety.

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Tired Trying » 22 Jul 2012 15:21

Yep, when I was slapped down I replied that I was just trying to voice my concerns and was accused of "trying to spoil everything".

Spoil...for who? Not falling in with his and his families way of dealing with things. I told him I would not be suppressed any more by him or his family (my MIL took me for lunch when the kids were young and brow beat me into giving up work as "you'll never have my son's earning potential"...and I did it. :( ). It's always been their way or no way. Aaaaaarrrggghh.

I know for some people their reasons for drinking are different but I have realised I drink/drank to maintain a crap relationship and to suppress my anger at thinking I was helpless...a helplessness that was only compounded by alcohol.

Sorry for the ranting!

Joy

Are you much happier DD? You said you were unhappy at him leaving at the time but now see it as a benefit?
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by smartmove » 22 Jul 2012 15:27

Hi joy, been reading your posts here. I find when the alcohol is removed you start to actually see the problems you were masking with it. I'm a true believer in gut feel. You seem to have uncovered a lot of suppressed feelings by being AF for 16 days. That's great work. The easy thing to do would be to start drinking again so you can plaster over that wound. You have amazing strength to say this has now made you more determined to quit. Good on you. Stay strong and I hope whatever you decide to do you do it for yourself x
Insanity is said to be the repetition of the same bad behaviour over and over again with the expectation of a different result

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Pineapple » 22 Jul 2012 19:13

Hi Joy

Stopping drinking does rake up a whole heap of issues that have previously been numbed by drink. My relationship with my OH was very rocky for a good while when I first stopped drinking and is still a work in progress. Very good advice that I was given early on by Sheila was make no big decisions in the first two years of sobriety.

Your getting sober is amazing, it is a good thing but for loved ones it can be a confusing and threatening time. Their lives change as a by product of our sobriety. The best thing that I did was give my OH a chance to catch me up, to give him a chance to work on our relationship. We had an unhealthy arguing style, I always apologised for everything as it could just be chucked back in my face that I was a drunk. He sulked, sometimes for days. I cajoled and tried my hardest to make peace. To begin with I just wanted out of it, but with children etc it was not that easy. I have changed, he can see I have changed and things on the whole are much better. Things no longer get swept under the carpet as I do not allow that. It has been a long, sometimes painful process to change things but my drinking was a massive part of why things became so bad in the first place so giving us some time to improve was really a small thing to do.

Give it some time and if things are still not right then you will also be in a much better place mentally to start afresh if that is what you decide to do.

P x
If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Tired Trying » 22 Jul 2012 19:20

Thanks Pineapple <:)>

That is great advice as I have been swithering into asking him to move out. I guess he is confused because he hasn't seen me like this before. I need to give him sometime to catch up.

I am glad your relationship is healing. I can understand at what you say about it being a work in progress. It takes years for the breakdown and probably almost as long to repair.

Joy
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Tired Trying » 22 Jul 2012 19:22

Paula

I hope your b/f will realise he has a one in a million partner. :)

Stand your ground, he may one day wake up and smell the coffee like we did.

Joy
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Tired Trying » 22 Jul 2012 19:37

Hereagain wrote:

My OH spent the last part of the week in hospital with suspected appendicitis but it turns out it is a kidney problem. He has a scan next week to see what is going on. He also has boils and I am now wondering if he has liver problems too. So yesterday (the day after coming out of hospital) he drinks five pints of lager! Wtf?!

I am beyond words really and last night he was saying how worried he is and almost courting sympathy - I wanted to scream why the hell are you drinking then?! We are due to go on holiday with my children in two weeks and I don t want to let them down but think I am going to grit my teeth until afterwards and then I know I have to make a decision about us. I probably sound really callous but I don t think I can stay with him while he continues this path :cry:

Sorry for venting but feel really fed up today as I truly believed I had got through to him but it seems not.
When my OH and me went on holiday at the end of May I said I didn't want to spend the whole time drinking.

Guess what....we did, I gave in....again.

I guess there is two ways of looking at it...go yourself with the kids and do some soul searching as to whether you want to stay together or go together on holiday and see if he can lay off the booze.

I know it sounds simple but I do think that sometimes in life we need to think of ourselves. <:)>

Joy
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Tired Trying » 22 Jul 2012 21:16

Thanks for that Winker, I hope my OH starts to think that way too. <:)>

Joy
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Hereagain » 23 Jul 2012 20:09

Me too Winker - it s good to know it can be done.

You are right Joy and I am thinking of myself and definitely won't be drinking on holiday - I am doing this for me. He has to do it for himself if he wants to. I didn't say anything about the 5 pints Saturday and the 4 pints Sunday but he made a comment last night that he feels better for cutting down! (which he has but 9 pints in 2 days after just coming out of hospital! Wtf! :o )
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Tired Trying » 23 Jul 2012 22:49

Came back from Edinburgh (at a seminar) and OH has spent all evening in pub, he has had nothing to eat, trying to speak "normal".......

Isn't it amazing how you really, really notice how drunk people sound when you haven't been drinking? :roll:

All those times I thought I sounded normal too..... :lol: what an eejit I was.

Joy
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Hereagain » 24 Jul 2012 06:36

Sorry to hear that Joy - I know you wont let it weaken your own resolve because as we ve said before we are doing this for us ;)?

My youngest son can tell if I ve only had one or two glasses of wine by my voice ( ashamed to say that comes from many an occasion of me attempting to sound sober when I wasnt :oops: )
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by DoingBetter » 24 Jul 2012 08:05

I cringe when I think how good my kids must be at telling what amount of drink I've had. Awful. I could do the same with my mother. :(

My OH is still drinking heavily, but I'm going to leave that up to him to fix. I'm only two days sober, so I am hardly one to talk. :oops:

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Tired Trying » 24 Jul 2012 09:00

Keep going DB, my OH drinking was a prime factor in keeping me going until I said nearly 3 weeks ago, enough is enough.

Keep strong, it is hard when you see them with alcohol but when you see the effects like I did last night it only strengthens your resolve.

Joy
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Hereagain » 24 Jul 2012 09:01

DB - two days sober is just great ;)? I haven t stopped completely but have had 2 days social drinking out of 29 days and I can t tell you how much easier it is to deal with any negative feelings we have regarding what our drinking did to our kids. I can t change the past but every day my kids see me getting stronger the better I feel and I know they do. We can do this! :)
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