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When loved ones drink and you don't

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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zarajenkin
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by zarajenkin » 22 Jul 2013 14:09

Hi everyone and thanks so much for writing to me - Sandy, CJ, Top cat and Miss Cheese! <:)>

I haven't been able to get on the computer the last few days and feel sure I saw a post here that has now disappeared advising me to have sex with my OH! I hope I haven't offended anyone by not replying - as that is a GOOD idea! Sex is a great way of bonding again of course and quite appropriate to suggest! I just can't face it at the moment - like CJ says - a slurring drunken partner is not appealing. However will try to follow up excellent suggestion Sandy of finding things to do as a family. And of course advice to keep talking and give it time are right.

We have been together 15 years and have three children so i am prepared to give it a lot of time. He is not violent or aggressive towards me when drunk - I just find him totally self-absorbed when in drinking mode which at the moment has lasted for a few weeks. He is rarely very very drunk but just enough to stop him being bothered about anything apart from writing his music (and thinking he is a genius!). He has been away for a couple of night at a festival and to be honest really enjoyed being with the kids without him here. If he is doing nothing to help would rather be alone with kids than just feel fed up with him.

He has just phoned and think he is coming back thinking our relationship is fine etc and to be honest I have no idea how to handle it.

And if you have delete here - please re-post!

Sara

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jallyjames
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by jallyjames » 21 Aug 2013 07:34

Alcoholic beverage beverage sways your brain and determinants you to believe slower and thus observing persons without total mind function is funny as torment sum-times....

wishuponastar
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by wishuponastar » 23 Oct 2013 12:48

Hi lily my hubby was in the army and went to Bosnia. He too has PTSD. He's seen counsellors psychiatrists and is on medication. He has had a problem with drink for years,and stopped twice but has relapsed. He had an heart attack and nearly died and that didn't stop him, the docs told him if he drank it will kill him as hes on warfrin, so did it secretly. I caught him and asked him to leave straight away.I made the tough choice to ask him to leave Saturday. really tough trying to help ex army as you don't know whats going on in their head. They train them to do war but they don't help you afterwards to deal with the things you have seen. There are support groups out there but I think they are miles away that help ex soilders through PTSD . I know how you are feeling Hun pm me anytime xx

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Rainbow99
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Rainbow99 » 14 Jun 2014 01:06

Hi everyone,

I'm trying to work up the courage to talk to my boyfriend about sobriety. I'm 26 and he is 25yrs old. We were very much into drinking and partying together for the 4 years we have been dating, so this is quite a big lifestyle change. He knows that I'm trying to quit (as I have attempted multiple times before) but doesn't realize how serious I am about it this time). My biggest fear is that he won't be supportive, and will actually miss his old "fun" drinking girlfriend, and of course I am afraid of being boring! I wish he could've seen how bad my drinking habits were, as I hid it pretty well. Maybe then he'd understand. He always tried to minimize my problem when I attempted to talk to him about it during my drinking years. The one time I tried to tell him I'm quitting for good, all he said was "steph... You're only 26 years old.. And Summer is coming...."
Just not really getting it!
Thanks for listening if you have :) and if you have any tips or advice, I would really love to hear it!

Steph

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Rainbow99
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Rainbow99 » 17 Jun 2014 11:25

Hi Rags.
I truly appreciate your advice. Thanks for responding. You're right, we should never sacrifice our hard earned health and happiness for someone else's occasional desire to have a drinking partner. I actually had the opportunity to bring the issue up with my boyfriend tonight. For the most part, I was relieved to hear what he had to say. He said stuff like "if it's that important to you.. Which it seems like it is.. Then you can definitely achieve it. He told me if I can quit smoking like a pro, you definitely have it in you to conquer this. I still don't think he fully understands my alcohol addiction, but at least he's being as supportive as he can. Maybe in time, he will understand. told him my worries about being boring, and how I didn't even feel like going on a vacation this summer, as I still feel like everything's more fun when drinking :( I am hopeful that this feeling of missing out will pass.. As some of you have already mentioned it does. I have been avoiding social gatherings as I don't feel ready to be around alcohol quite yet. I do catch myself already smiling more often. It feels good to treat my body nicely and not have to experience those daily monster hangovers.

Thanks again Rags.
Congrats on almost 44 months without alcohol!! :)

Steph

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DoingBetter
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by DoingBetter » 18 Jun 2014 01:53

Hi Rainbow,

I think that its great that you are going to quit drinking. As far as being boring, I highly doubt that will be the case. Most sober people can think faster, and be more witting than the average drunk person. Not drinking opens up all sorts of doors for activities that you can't do while drinking.

I haven't managed to kick the habit yet, but I do keep trying to get back on the wagon. I recently have started doing things that are away from alcohol, and I'm having lots of fun. As for parties and such, there are lots of non-alcoholic drinks that look just like cocktails. Generally, I've found that nobody really cares what someone drinks.

Best of luck, and let us know if there is anything we can do to help, like offer suggestions, etc.

Cheers,
DB

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Rainbow99
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Rainbow99 » 19 Jun 2014 07:15

Hi DB,

Thanks for reading. I'm trying to do more activities that don't involve or remind me of drinking as well. Outdoors stuff, and exercise related. Sometimes I have fun.. But I can't help thinking that I'm missing out on something by staying sober. And I'm definitely still avoiding social situations that I know will have alcohol at. I have vacation time off work coming up next week and don't feel like making plans to go away for a trip because I feel like there's not point if I can't drink :( I'm hoping with
time, I'll gain some confidence I reAlize I can have fun sober.. And I bet no one will even notice I'm not drinking. It'll just take some time and getting used to.
Hope you're having a great day.

Steph

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Topcat
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Topcat » 19 Jun 2014 11:36

Rainbow99 wrote: I have vacation time off work coming up next week and don't feel like making plans to go away for a trip because I feel like there's not point if I can't drink :( I'm hoping with
time, I'll gain some confidence I reAlize I can have fun sober.. And I bet no one will even notice I'm not drinking. It'll just take some time and getting used to.
With time you will gain confidence and have great fun sober. I thought that would never be possible after 30 years of binge drinking. It took time and I had to force myself to get out there and socialise minus the alcohol crutch, but it gets easier and easier and I now enjoy myself much more than I ever did whilst drinking. I'm no longer worried I'll show myself up/crash out/get stroppy/not remember a thing etc. etc. The only people who noticed I wasn't drinking were those with a problem themselves. Most people do not drink much themselves and do not care whether you are imbibing or not.
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Bewildered
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Bewildered » 22 Jun 2014 15:22

Please can i have some advise? I started dating my bf 3 years ago and 18 months ago he admitted he had a drinking problem and took coke. I stood by him and supported him but it was a really hard time. He changed so much when he was taking, he became a really vile person and would disappear for days on end. At the begining of this year he was violent towards me while we were out and passers by called the police. He got arrested and given a caution and it spured him into changing and to stop drink/drugs. For 4 1/2 months everything was great and he was so happy at how well he was doing. He's mind was finally clear and he got himself a new job as well. We were making plans to move intogether and it looked like things would be ok. Then we arranged to meet up but when i called to say i was leaving his phone was off all night. He didnt answer my calls the next day and the day after he cut my calls to voicemail. I found out from his s.i.l he was back drinking and his dad had punched him in the face and thrown bricks at him. I've tried calling and texting him. I've gone to his home and got no reply. Hes not tried to get in touch with me and it's now been 6 weeks with no contact. He kept saying he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. He even asked me to marry him and was constantly saying i was the best thing in his life. I'm so hurt by all of this and don't know what to do. :( My friends don't understand and think i am wasting my time on a loser so i can't talk to them anymore. Does addiction take over you so much that you cut someone out of your life? I'd be really greatfull for any insight on suggestions. Thank you.

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faith2be
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by faith2be » 22 Jun 2014 17:19

Hi B.,
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I think addiction operates on several levels. Alcoholics, or people with drink or drug problems, are not nice people when drinking/using. If he's cutting you off its probably because he knows he's in the grip of something thats not your fault, and doesnt want you to see him like that.
You are doing the right thing by trying to understand. One thing you will have to accept is that you can't change him; he has to do that for himself. You can support him and ask him to stop drinking, for the sake of your relationship, but you will first of all have to look after you, or you will get sucked into something that's hard to rationalise from the outside.
On this site are hundresd of posts from people who all know they're behaving badly when they drink, but acknowledging that they dont mean to hurt their dearest. It's 2 different things for us, but for partners, it's of course part and parcel of the same person.

I dont know if any of this makes sense, but I wish you strength in deciding what you are going to do. First step might be to let him come back to you and then have a very frank talk. If you can act non-judgemental, he may trust you and explain, but usually we have a hard time admitting the extent of our problems, precisely to our other halves.
It took me 4 years, and I nearly lost him in that process.
Good luck <:)> <:)>
Definition of recovery:
1) "a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength"
2) "the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost"

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Shadowlad
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Shadowlad » 22 Jun 2014 21:12

Hello Bewildered,

My heart goes out to you :( <:)>

In answer to your question " does addiction take over you so much that you cut someone out of your life ?" it depends, everyone is different.
However the common theme seems to be that addicts become very selfish. I admit i became that way, i would not intentionally disappear but there were too many occasions where i did not make it home from work due to drinking and ending up in a cell overnight, or hospital. It put my husband and kids through enormous worry, hurt and anger. They used to wonder if i was dead. :(
I am so sorry you are being hurt in this way. The chances are that your bf is blind to the actual effects his behavior is having on you. It sounds incredible that he would not know what he is doing to you but in my experience addicts simply do not see until they can see. That was true in my case.
I would not have blamed my family had they left me to face up to my problem. In fact it was my lovely daughter's brave honesty that made me realize it all had to stop. We were close but she told me she could not go through it again. She said she would always love me but she simply could not go through the worry of losing me again, she would have to walk away.

The light bulb came on . I knew she meant it and i finally realized i was hurting my darling daughter. I have tears as i write this. But everything changed in that moment.

I don't know what the outcome will be for you. All i know is that you are in control of your destiny, but not your bf.

Your choices are hard but at least you still have choices.

Bewildered, i hope my reply has helped a bit, and i hope you will put yourself first. Do take care, nicky <:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Bewildered » 23 Jun 2014 17:34

Thank you for taking the time to reply x

It's been the same cycle for 18 months. He stays off drink/drugs and everything is fine. Then without any warning he'll suddenly go back to them. His phone will be off and i don't hear from him for a while. Up to now the longest was 3 weeks. Then he'll text me saying how sorry he is and that he loves me and wants to change. Things are great again for a few weeks and then without any warning he'll go back to them.

I'm finding it really hard as 6 weeks have now gone by. We normally talk every day and i really miss him and want to help but I'm at a loss at what to do for the best. I've tried his phone but hes not replying to my calls or to friends calls. :(

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Shadowlad
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Shadowlad » 24 Jun 2014 11:46

Hello Bewildered,

I'm not sure what else to say but just wanted to acknowledge your pain, <:)>

much love, nicky
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro


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Shadowlad
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Shadowlad » 25 Jun 2014 18:18

Thats ok :)

I hope everything works out for you <:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Shadowlad
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Shadowlad » 01 Aug 2014 13:57

Oh Pickles i have just read your post and i want to give you the biggest of hugs. You have done fantastic to have come this far, it is hard enough even when we have non drinking partners, but this must be demoralising for you.

Glad you posted it, you need support and understanding right now.

Perhaps you could shelve this incident in your mind for now, and deal with anything else a little at a time, should anymore problems arise ?

Try to enjoy the rest of the day, and know that you are not alone in your brave journey (personal AF journey, as well as your hol journey ;) )

Take care, lots of love xx
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Sheila
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Sheila » 01 Aug 2014 17:59

Pickles <:)> I could have written your post <:)>

My OH drinks, and when he's had more than a couple of glasses of red wine he gets argumentative too.
If I say anything I'm accused of being "a pious little miss perfect" and other stuff, and it's not at all nice.

When we go away he's in permanent holiday mode as far as drinking is concerned. I don't like it, I don't even like him very much when he's drinking. He gets extremely unpleasant but can't or won't see it.

I don't know what the answer is, but over time I've got used to it sadly, but recently my son made a comment about something totally unrelated, it was "You can't change people, but you can change the way you react to them"

That's what I'm trying to do now. He's not going to change, but I don't have to put up with being spoken to the way he speaks to me at times, so now I've started to throw it back at him. I ask him why he thinks it's ok to speak to me the way he does and he can't answer me.

It's a very slow work in progress, but standing my ground instead of soaking it up does actually make me feel better.

Sorry, didn't mean to waffle on :oops:
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by DannyD » 02 Aug 2014 07:11

Being single I don't have this problem. What about getting a tape machine and recording one or two holiday evening chats?
be selfish in your sobriety.

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by littletower » 25 Sep 2014 16:16

Hi. I posted this in the welcome section but understand it's more appropriate to post in here...

Long story short (sort of)...2 years ago I was told by my GP that I had to quit alcohol. Two years later, after 4 horrific relapses and withdrawals, I have now been sober for 11 months, and 10 months before that (before my latest nasty relapse last year).

I'm personally now in a very good place and feel largely confident in my strength..as long I continue not to get complacent and remain aware of my thoughts and feelings every day and generally look after myself. I've faced many stressful challenges this year and not once caved, so I'm feeling reasonably resilient.

My husband enjoys the odd red wine...ideally every night (1-2 glasses). When I got sober last year I asked if we could have an alcohol free home. And he said no. He refuses to be denied his 'treat'. So we compromised...he can drink as long as I can't access the alcohol and as long I don't know about it. I just don't want the reminder of it. He has however so far failed to do this...gradually becoming complacent each time...leaving it in places I can find it and not hiding his drinking well.

When he drinks he not only makes my sobriety more challenging (reminding me of the stuff I'm trying get away from) but it also represents to me an unwillingness to forgo his treats for the sake of my health, our happiness and our future. Each time he drinks it deeply upsets me...it feels like a slap in the face for the daily efforts I make to stay sober.

We're planning on having children (assuming my fertility can be sorted) and whilst I feel strong enough to cope with most stresses, I don't want to find that whilst I'm managing my own company and raising a child, I also have to continually be confronted with my husband drinking. A marriage and raising children requires team work and his drinking to me symbolises the antithesis of teamwork and support.

His argument is that he shouldn't be denied his wine and my argument is that my health and our future is more important than a few glasses of wine.

He won't back down though. And after a year of this struggle and me trying to tolerate it, I've realised that I can't. It is a problem I can't seem to accept. I'm seriously contemplating walking away from our marriage and future family...all because of a few glasses of wine. I just don't think I can cope with my own husband challenging my sobriety on a regular basis.

He's very stubborn on this topic. We're both fairly keen cooks and we had agreed to keep the odd bit of wine in the freezer for cooking. However, we ended up with a quite a lot in there and so today I thought 'this is stupid...I shouldn't have this alcohol available to me'. So I told my husband that I no longer want alcohol in the freezer. And goodness was he upset! He tried to argue that maybe I do it for now but in the future keep some in the freezer...arguing 'financial reasons'...that it would be a waste of money to buy alcohol just for cooking and then throwing the rest away. From my perspective, I think my sobriety is more important than having access to one optional ingredient! He is holding on so tight to the right to have alcohol in the home...and I'm bewildered by it!

Has anyone had this situation and found a way to proceed without breaking up and both being happy?

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Sheila
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Sheila » 25 Sep 2014 17:18

Hi LT, I have an husband that still drinks, about the same as yours by the sound of it.
He drinks, for most of the time, pretty moderately, except on holidays, but he's always been that way.

I think, in fact I know he'd also say no if I asked him not to drink in front of me or never drink in the house, I think it'd be unfair of me to ask him.
I'm the one that has/had the problem not him. I'm the one that's had to change, not him

Of course I don't like to see him drinking, but I've got used to it, and over time you would too.
I'd much prefer it if he was tea total, of course I would, but that's just not going to happen, so the key is to accept it and find ways to live with it.

You say part of the the compromise was that he wouldn't drink in fromt of you, yet when he drinks in his office or another room, you don't like that either :? Where would you prefer him to drink?

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, I don't mean to, I'm just trying to be realistic <:)>
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