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When loved ones drink and you don't

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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Lush4life
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Lush4life » 16 Apr 2016 21:00

Thanks it means a lot, just to know u have been heard and understood, I will probably go to bed soon although sleep is always difficult at these times. I listen to rain sounds through head phones to relax but it's so realistic I usually have to get up for a wee!! Life's a bitch sometimes, but what I take from your post is u think am moving forward in my recovery so that's a positive because as of late I haven't really felt that, has made my shoulders a bit lighter, thank you, kim
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

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Shadowlad
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Shadowlad » 16 Apr 2016 21:07

I'm glad its helped Kim and of course you are moving forward in your recovery <:)> You have a lot to be proud of. I like the idea of listening to rain sounds ( or a flowing river) for relaxation in bed so i might give that a go too. I have a few nice meditation music cds but am always looking for new things to listen to. A friend once gave me a birds sounds cd but i'm not kidding the birds sounded like they were being attacked by cats :? I give that one a miss ;)

xx
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pickles
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by pickles » 16 Apr 2016 21:23

Hi Kim, when I wanted to stop drinking 'for good' my OH was still drinking , not really at home but when he met up with friends ,which was quite often . I remember sleeping downstairs ,sober, as of the stink of grog he brought back with him . I couldn't say anything as I knew I had caused him grief for a long time , and mostly apologising but not remembering always.

There had been a couple more times where he had got worse for wear , one bad moment was last year . I did the same as you and came on here , I also later wound myself down by listening to quiet music and going into the spare room .

I still don't like it when he has a drink as I feel nervous ,not sure why, he only tends to have a small vodka most evenings but drinks a bit more on social occasions which are less now.

I hope tomorrow is better .
' Normal ' is just a setting on the washing machine .

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Sandy
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Sandy » 18 Apr 2016 08:59

Lush4life wrote:Well I know hardly anyone posts on this one as now am posting to meself! But sandy did say it's OK to vent me spleen, so consider it vented! My husband is on piss yet again he was in filthy mood for he even started , so am in for yet another crap evening, this makes my sobriety difficult as I don't have alcohol to smooth the corners off a rough evening and it tends to make me feel very stressed, tearful although am fighting that . one thing I have realised these drunken rows we had in latter years were not always my fault ( was told in no uncertain terms , they were) I don't miss saying sorry a million times next day either, especially when I couldn't remember what I was sorry for? I wonder how other people deal with this, sorry to b so negative but can't help it tonight, take care, kim
I could have written this post Kim
me and my OH were big drinkers. In my later drinking years we rowed constantly, every single night was like bl@@dy groundhog drunken day.
My life was misery and it was me that was doing it. I was responsible for my own misery.
Someone on here told me to be selfish in my sobriety. With 4 kids that was not my pattern in life. However I took them literally and only thought about my sobriety constantly- it was all about me. Me! Me! Me.
My husband drinks every day- up until very recently it was at least a bottle of vodka per day every single day.
I stepped back from that life. I worked hard and carved myself a new one, in essence without him, but it was all about me. Our relationship is poor now but would like to say there may be alight at the end of our tunnel, anyway who knows and it is such a long story.
What I want to say is this is your sobriety, no one elses. This is your choice, no-one else. Think hard about this. Put relationships on the back burner, they probably cannot get any worse ,although in your sobriety it may seem so for the time being. Make no big decisions. get your head down and work on yourself and the new emerging you.
You will need a space to discuss everything you are going through as your life changes a nd you re emerge.
We are so lucky as BE is exactly the space we all need.
I thank God for the day I stumbled across it.
Stay strong love, don't let others interrupt your master plan!

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Lush4life
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Lush4life » 30 Apr 2016 18:32

Hello sandy, I got PM from you today to say u have replied to me yesterday in this thread, so bit confused? Couldn't see one, take care, kim
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And rent is due Every day.

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Sandy » 01 May 2016 19:22

Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

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Postby Sandy » 18 Apr 2016 07:59




Lush4life wrote:
Well I know hardly anyone posts on this one as now am posting to meself! But sandy did say it's OK to vent me spleen, so consider it vented! My husband is on piss yet again he was in filthy mood for he even started , so am in for yet another crap evening, this makes my sobriety difficult as I don't have alcohol to smooth the corners off a rough evening and it tends to make me feel very stressed, tearful although am fighting that . one thing I have realised these drunken rows we had in latter years were not always my fault ( was told in no uncertain terms , they were) I don't miss saying sorry a million times next day either, especially when I couldn't remember what I was sorry for? I wonder how other people deal with this, sorry to b so negative but can't help it tonight, take care, kim

I could have written this post Kim
me and my OH were big drinkers. In my later drinking years we rowed constantly, every single night was like bl@@dy groundhog drunken day.
My life was misery and it was me that was doing it. I was responsible for my own misery.
Someone on here told me to be selfish in my sobriety. With 4 kids that was not my pattern in life. However I took them literally and only thought about my sobriety constantly- it was all about me. Me! Me! Me.
My husband drinks every day- up until very recently it was at least a bottle of vodka per day every single day.
I stepped back from that life. I worked hard and carved myself a new one, in essence without him, but it was all about me. Our relationship is poor now but would like to say there may be alight at the end of our tunnel, anyway who knows and it is such a long story.
What I want to say is this is your sobriety, no one elses. This is your choice, no-one else. Think hard about this. Put relationships on the back burner, they probably cannot get any worse ,although in your sobriety it may seem so for the time being. Make no big decisions. get your head down and work on yourself and the new emerging you.
You will need a space to discuss everything you are going through as your life changes a nd you re emerge.
We are so lucky as BE is exactly the space we all need.
I thank God for the day I stumbled across it.
Stay strong love, don't let others interrupt your master plan!

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DoingBetter
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by DoingBetter » 05 May 2016 08:32

Hi,

I am not totally abstaining, but I have cut way down. Prior to that we too had the constant rows every night. As I tapered back farther and farther I was able to see the "requests for a fight" that he put out and ignored them. A friend of mine has a plaque in her kitchen that says "You do not have to attend every argument that you are invited to".

While we were both drinking heavily my husband also claimed all rows were my fault and that I was horrible, awful, bitchy. I also was told that I instigated every argument we had ever had. Now that I am much more often sober I see that he feels so bad about himself and his life that he needs someone to fight, in lieu of making changes himself.

If you can, try not to take it personally. If he is drinking very heavily he is probably having blackouts and doesn't really remember what happened. He just has a general sense of unease that he doesn't want to investigate. Since he can't blame himself (would make him feel worse than he already does) he has to blame you.

Do you have a room to retreat to when he starts drinking? I set up an office in one room of our house, and truthfully I spend most of my time in it when he is drinking, which is most of the time. Focus on you, and what you need to be happy. Perhaps do some reading on co-dependency and how to detach. This is something I am still working on.

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by ChamomileTea » 03 Aug 2016 13:49

I just wanted to post a bit about my experience as a warning to people getting into new relationships with drinkers.

I'm fresh out of a very short (3 weeks), very destructive, disaster of a relationship like this.

I won't go through the whole things, because the story is so juvenile and stupid. It's like the sort of thing a very silly teenager would post. Trust me, I wrote it, then thought "I can't post this!".

The long and the short of it is... he didn't really drink any more (problems in the past) and I'm serious about abstinence.

But of course, we both kidded ourselves into a few drinks together. And we both found, surprise surprise, that a new relationship is easier when you're a bit wasted.

Some fun times, some bad times, some awful times, and finally he dumped me for various reasons, but basically being a crazy drunk bitch.

What have I learned? Well, this is no help to anyone, but I've learned that I'm still very easily lead and very eager to please, even when it hurts me.

More generally though -- if you're used to drinking alone, you can forget/insulate yourself from just how AWFUL your judgement is when you're drunk. But also, when you're hungover and for the days after that.

I realise now that we drank much too much together, but *most* of the time we were together I was hungover and desperately compensating for some imagined or real mistakes from the night before. My judgement was just GONE. He didn't treat me badly, but we had completely different values, and he had a worrying tendency to disregard everyone's feelings but his own. Close friends, mine... didn't matter. Three weeks, and I lose track of the amount of excuses I made for his behaviour. I decided that he was a sensitive, vulnerable soul under a tough exterior. He must be, right? Or he really cares about me -- he's still with me after I've been such a bitch.

Truth? Far from it. I made lots of mistakes and yes, I behaved badly, and I contributed about 50% to our splitting up.

We split up because the friend who set us up started saying nasty things about me to him, and I got upset. Then I got drunk, and handled it all really badly. Instead of saying "butt out" I tried to convince him that she was nasty and not to be trusted. Didn't work, and I got dumped.

Spent the next week getting wasted, and the week after (and still subconsciously a little now) trying to figure out how to win him back. In my mind, our breakup was my fault for getting drunk. I think mistakes were made on both sides, but that it was never going to work anyway. And it didn't mean as much to him as it meant to me (an unfortunate stereotype about women and sex that I fall into. I find it staggering that men can display such affection and caring and intimacy and... love without it meaning anything at all. I meant every single moment of it). Anyway -- my broken, hungover brain figured that if I could fix this, then I could undo the drunken damage and it could be written off as "solved". Like replacing your phone straight away when you spill beer on it.

I didn't sink low enough to say the things I wanted to say. But I was all "I'm so glad we're still friends, but I'm so sad we broke up, and I miss you" urrrrgh.

I lose myself when I drink. A lot of us do. Not just during the blackouts when I'm a monster, but the whole thing. It's not me. I shouldn't have let this happen, and I shouldn't have put up with a lot of the things I did. I should have seen the warning signs and not dismissed them. I truly think I would have, if I hadn't been so pissed. I'm not that desperate for affection.

I had what I'd class as a breakdown over this. I don't remember much about the week I was drunk. I remember trying to hang myself (not trying very hard). I remember various friends freaking out about me. My mum turned up in the end (120 mile drive for her) and fast-tapered me on beer then stayed until I could feed and clothe myself. I haven't been back to work yet -- I'm officially off sick with 'mental health problems'. I class that as a lie, because all roads lead back to alcohol as far as I can see. But then, a truly stable person wouldn't have behaved this way.

While I am off, I'm going to lots of AA meetings, two a day if I can. I have finally given up and accepted step 1: I'm helpless. I have thought "screw you" to that step for ages. To paraphrase one of my favourite TV shows: I am lost, but I am not gone. I came around after days of near delirium to the though "oh my god. I've burned it ALL to the ground". Really, I lost a good friend, a not good friend, and a questionable boyfriend. But you know what, next time I might well lose more.

There's my cautionary tale. To be honest, it was partly triggered by the previous post -- I wanted to say "are you sure he feels bad, and that you're not just making excuses for him?". But in the end, it wouldn't be right for me to compare a 3 week tryst to a marriage. I've made sacrifices and compromises to save a worthwhile relationship, and I don't regret a single one. Just be really really careful with new stuff. It's probably not worth saving if you're losing chunks of yourself in the first couple of weeks!

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Lush4life » 03 Aug 2016 15:31

Hello CT, I hope today finds you in a positive frame of mind. Only just picking up on one thing you mentioned in your post , that you thought you'd lied to your work about being off with a " mental health issue" and you thought it was alcohol issue, I have come to realise they are one and the same thing and feel recognising this is helpful, knowledge is power and all that .... Not sure if it was my post that you said triggered your thoughts on this but I am still hanging in there , getting stronger finding ways to cope and none of it easy but I have been married for coming up 40 yrs. And it wasn't always like this . As was told to me once , it's you that's changed, not him. Take care ,kim
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by ChamomileTea » 05 Aug 2016 01:32

Hey Kim. It wasn't your post that triggered mine actually, but I'm glad you're hanging in there and getting stronger :)

I suppose it's true that you're the one who changed, but for the better, no?

I was just replying to another post and felt like I needed to make an amendment to my previous post. My head has been all over the place and I was pretty angry when I made the previous post. I was all "that guy put me in harms way by bringing alcohol into my home". I wasn't expecting it to come up, but actually I had already been sliding towards a relapse with occasional bouts of drinking before he came into the picture. Chances are, if this hadn't been the case, I would have used better judgement.

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by KC » 03 Oct 2016 09:59

My partner and I have been together 12 years. 2 beautiful healthy children but a lot of heartache in those 12 years. Once my partner touches a drop of drink he cannot stop. Maybe 2/3 days into he might appear back. He can last at least 5 days without alcohol at the minute but then once he has his first sip he drinks till he passes out. It got that bad that we now have separate houses. I couldn't bear to let the children see him in such a mess. I do keep letting him back in. I've got him sorted with a councillor and he went and is waiting to get a permanent one now soon. He had such a terrible childhood from being physically abused by his mother to mentally abused by his father to mask the fact he was a pedophile his father had been sexual abusing his 2 younger sisters for many years when he was younger it was drink and drugs he lost himself in till he met me. He has been drug free ever since but the alcohol has always crept back in. Here I am 12 years later loving him more now than ever but he can't seem to see my pain. He said he does. The day after drinking I get called every name under the sun. I get hours of abuse. 3 days after I get I'm sorry forgive me. Then by the 5th day his is away again. Some nights I've had to go carry him into his house because he can't even make it in the front door. Urinating himself. Choking on his vomit. Screaming with the terrors after he drinks like a scared child having a nightmare. It terrifies me. When he doesn't drink he is the most beautiful loving man a girl could have. He is a brilliant father beyond the drink. Our children absolutely adore him. He keeps saying his memories haunt him the torture and abuse he got himself as a child taunts him. He gets so defensive after he drinks like I'm the worst in the world to him. I just want to see him free from the pain he says he is suffering. To me alcohol is making it worse. He can be sof tender without drink and one sip he turns into this stranger I don't even want to see. He said I'm not giving him enough time. Yes it has got better through the years I know that but to me he need's to stop completely when I think we are getting somewhere it's back to square one again. Every time I gain trust back for him he disappears again and lands back barely able to walk. Is worrying about someone you love a bad thing. My judgement on even who I am is clouded because of my worry for him. He blanks out after the 3rd drink. And that scares me so much.

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Lush4life » 03 Oct 2016 10:09

Morning kc , just wanted to welcome you here and hopefully someone soon will be here to give you the advice you so badly need, I don't feel qualified to offer that, but good news is you have come to the right place.
Take care , Kim. <:)> <:)>
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Tired Trying » 31 Jan 2017 11:12

Just about to move up to the two - three month thread and OH also stopped on 3rd Jan as he wanted to finish what was in the fridge!

He said he is stopping till my Birthday but is already making noises about a funeral he has to go to next week where "relatives will be expecting him to drink". I guess he is planning to drink and looking for excuses. This is a very strange time for me as I think he expects when it is my birthday I will drink but I have already made the decision that I won't. Not sure where it is all going to lead to.

We did split for 18 months back in August 2013 but I took him back in March 2015 at a time he was drinking heavily which was an awful mistake as my intake increased enormously at that point too.

Funnily enough, on my own I CAN drink socially 1-2 glasses or go out and come back sober and am happy to drive when going anywhere with others but yesterday there was an article in the Daily Mail about how your OH can make your consumption worse and often couples drink to have a common bond which I think is our problem. He never want's to do anything and until recently managed his day around his drinking. He hasn't changed HOW he manages his day so far but eating ice cream has replaced the booze, but I can't help feeling this is just lip service and his mood and the way he is talking about this funeral makes me believe he isn't truly ready to change, whereas I am.
Shoulder to the wind.

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by pickles » 31 Jan 2017 11:53

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Last edited by pickles on 08 Sep 2017 09:09, edited 2 times in total.
' Normal ' is just a setting on the washing machine .

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by pickles » 31 Jan 2017 11:54

.
Last edited by pickles on 08 Sep 2017 09:09, edited 1 time in total.
' Normal ' is just a setting on the washing machine .

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Lush4life
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Lush4life » 31 Jan 2017 11:58

Hello TT, it may then be something you will have to achieve on your own and it sounds like you do realise that , just a minor question ; if you are able to stop at one or two and are not controlled by it do you believe you have a drink issue or is it only when with your partner it becomes problematic ?
If it is just in his company then your actions are dependent on what outcome you want for yourself ?
We can't change another person no matter how we try , they have to want that for themselves .
I have good stretch of sobriety my husband drinks quite a bit and always at home , I don't like it but I do accept it .
Take care , Kim ;)?
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Tired Trying » 31 Jan 2017 14:43

Lush4life wrote:Hello TT, it may then be something you will have to achieve on your own and it sounds like you do realise that , just a minor question ; if you are able to stop at one or two and are not controlled by it do you believe you have a drink issue or is it only when with your partner it becomes problematic ?
If it is just in his company then your actions are dependent on what outcome you want for yourself ?
We can't change another person no matter how we try , they have to want that for themselves .
I have good stretch of sobriety my husband drinks quite a bit and always at home , I don't like it but I do accept it .
Take care , Kim ;)?
Ah very good point yes, L4L, believe it or not I have never got completely smashed than when I am with my OH. I can moderate fairly well on my own. When we split for 18 month he went stratospheric with drinking, my daughter lived with him (as she was worried about him) and she was often coming home to him comatose on the couch having had 6-8 cans and then whisky or brandy.

Just had a heart to heart with him this afternoon about how I want to stop for good and his take on it is he will drink again but not in the house and he CAN stick to that...not sure, time will tell. One thing is for sure is he isn't ready to stop completely and like yourself, I may have to either live with that or decide to move on. Possibly if he doesn't have me as a drinking buddy then that may reduce/deplete hi intake as when he sees me have something you can see him light up thinking "party time" which invariably ends in drunken arguments and recriminations. :evil:
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Lush4life » 31 Jan 2017 15:00

Yes exactly how my drinking days ended ; they had to , but to be totally fair it was me with the biggest problem although am now sober there is much I see in his drinking that is not great at all.
Stay strong :\:
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by FigurativePhoenix » 31 Jan 2017 18:28

Deleted as I'm not very good at giving advice

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Vertical Man » 27 Feb 2017 19:29

My wife isn't drinking at the moment (dieting) but expects to do so for her imminent birthday, family occasions etc.

She doesn't get me re alcohol and the fact for me that one (or even a few) is never enough. We've had a row (more of a tiff) this evening and aren't speaking. She's gone to bed and I am watching footie.

I don't think she will ever understand me re alcohol and I wonder sometimes if it is only all of us and similar who really understand?

Just wanted to get this off my chest.
"Alcohol is the thief of time"
Steve

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