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When loved ones drink and you don't

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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Shadowlad
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Shadowlad » 27 Feb 2017 19:48

Hi there Steve :)

Its frustrating isn't it ? There are many in my family that don't understand it either. My OH once said he would like to understand but doesn't as he can take it or leave it. I do think that only another alcoholic/addict can truly understand the obsession and compulsion that takes over once we start to drink. I suppose there are other conditions that other people may have, like a particular disease, that we cannot fully understand. It is just one of those things and that is why i value interactions with other people who are going through this affliction or those that have been through it. Also we can't expect others to fully understand, we can only accept that the are unable to and just keep on dealing with a problem that is in effect ours, not theirs. To be fair they may have other afflictions/issues to deal with that we don't understand. Hope you are ok <:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

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FigurativePhoenix
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by FigurativePhoenix » 27 Feb 2017 21:14

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Last edited by FigurativePhoenix on 13 Mar 2017 13:26, edited 1 time in total.

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Vertical Man
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Vertical Man » 28 Feb 2017 05:04

Thank you Shadow and FP for your excellent replies.

A lot for me to think about today.
"Alcohol is the thief of time"
Steve

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Vertical Man
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Vertical Man » 09 Apr 2017 06:50

My wife had a couple of glasses of wine yesterday and then stopped!!! This is almost like watching a magic trick for me; as in "how do they do it?"

I am wired differently and I must not feel anger, jealousy or resentment .... merely acceptance.

I will then move towards serenity, courage and wisdom.

Have lovely days with your loved ones ;)?
"Alcohol is the thief of time"
Steve

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Vertical Man
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Vertical Man » 09 Apr 2017 08:29

Thanks MH - Have a great day my friend ;)?
"Alcohol is the thief of time"
Steve

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pickles
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by pickles » 09 Apr 2017 08:57

Mornng VM, I sometimes don't get it either how my OH can just have one shot of vodka . It's not often either, although he mustn't drink on an empty stomach as he gets ' funny' ( I wrote about that not long ago when daughter and I had come back from her activity )

He sometimes leaves the glass by the computer , so I see it and give it nasty looks :| :?: , before removing it as far from me as possible ,almost in disgust !

I can't drink like he can, ever , you know the have one drink, one day , and then in a month's time ....

There are obviously difficult days, fingers down the chalkboard days, but you will be ok, you will get through it, we are here too <:)>


Hello to you too, MH ;)?
' Normal ' is just a setting on the washing machine .

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Lush4life
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Lush4life » 09 Apr 2017 09:42

pickles wrote:
There are obviously difficult days, fingers down the chalkboard days,
Brilliant explanation pickles (::)
That's just how it feels sometimes :?
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

Melissabrown70
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Melissabrown70 » 08 Jun 2017 19:17

It is really difficult to be with someone that is always drunk :cry:

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Lush4life
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Lush4life » 08 Jun 2017 19:37

Melissabrown70 wrote:It is really difficult to be with someone that is always drunk :cry:
Hello Melissa, maybe bit more information would be helpful if you're ready​ to share , do you drink also , or is it your partner​
that you have concerns about??
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

serend
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by serend » 03 Jan 2018 11:59

I believe I have reached the end of the road with my alcoholic husband. We have been together for 30 years and the last 10 have centred almost entirely around drinking. He is unpleasant, no company, repeats himself continuously, and every day is like groundhog day with him asking what happened the night before, what he said/did, what time he went to bed etc. He has always been a drinker but the bad situations seem to be worse and more frequent, leading to any respect/love being gone. I have had to deal with his alcoholic mother all my life and she now has Korsakoffs, and although I feel guilty I just feel I can't carry him/look after him any longer. Its destroying me as well I drink more than I would if I wasn't with him just to make the evenings tolerable. I don't drink at social occasions as there are people to talk to - I find even very drunk people easier to be around than him. He didn't have a drink last night as he knows Im serious about leaving, he will have terrible night sweats and other symptoms then declare himself cured on day 4/5 when he will start again. I can't bear it but don't know where to gather the courage to leave.
It's not inevitable whether we drink or not...we make the decision

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Shadowlad
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Shadowlad » 03 Jan 2018 16:55

Hi Serend <:)>

Really sorry to read about the progressive situation with your husband. 30 years is a long time to share your life with another, and i think feeling guilty is quite common on leaving a long marriage/relationship, no matter how viable the reason. It is very hard changing what has become familiar, even when we know deep down it needs to be done. Also it is extremely hard living on the receiving end of someone else's addiction, it is emotionally crushing day in day out. We begin to grieve for the person we once knew, who now drains us of everything yet gives nothing in return... only more heartache.

Serend, as hard as it is to be in this situation, there will be a way out. There are organisations like 'Women's Aid' that can help you look at all your options and help you make the changes if you are ready for that. You most likely have more courage than you realise, but life changes are less scary when we have the right support behind us, and the correct information and resources we need to 'go it alone'. Whatever you decide to do Serend, remember that your life and well being is as important as your husband's. He is responsible for himself, as an adult, and only he can deal with his alcoholism if he is ready to do that. I was with my husband from a young age, for over 30 years. He was not a drinker, but there was an age gap of 22 years and that in itself made me feel responsible for him, even when our relationship came to an end. I am not responsible for him though, and am putting myself first now. I have to do this, because life really is too short.

I hope your husband manages to see how his alcoholism is affecting you Serend, but i suspect he won't be honest with himself until you show him by your definitive actions. Even then there is no guarantee, but you can only do what is right for your own health and well being. Thinking of you Serend,

Love nicky xx
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

serend
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by serend » 03 Jan 2018 22:11

Nicky thank-you so much for your lovely understanding words <:)> I will take your advice and speak to Women's Aid again - I did before but mustn't have been ready at the time. I tend to panic when I realise I will have to take action and then convince myself its not so bad as I am so fearful of change - how bad does it have to get before I do something about it. Thanks again xxx
It's not inevitable whether we drink or not...we make the decision

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Shadowlad
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Shadowlad » 04 Jan 2018 10:09

Serend <:)> <:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

DoneandDone
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by DoneandDone » 04 Jan 2018 11:28

Hello Serend,

Just to second Shadowlad’s always helpful counsel. It is hard when our relationships are difficult, giving us added motivation to drink. Disengaging mentally from this tension helped me a lot. I cannot control the OH’s drinking, only my own. Since I have stopped, I notice there is a decrease on that front, without my making any demands or that there be no alcohol in the home. I have also stopped trying to change anything at all. Complete acceptance of the way things are has increased my inner contentment and created more peace all the way around. Is there still a lot I would like to be differnt? Sure, but I would have to try to think of what they are at the moment. I am letting a lot just slide and am much happier for it. Highly recommend as Shadowlad suggested going to a women’s agency. They know the ropes and will provide a needed shoulder at this time.

Lots of love,
D&D
It will always and forever be One Day At A Time

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Sandy
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Sandy » 04 Jan 2018 13:19

DoneandDone wrote:Hello Serend,

Just to second Shadowlad’s always helpful counsel. It is hard when our relationships are difficult, giving us added motivation to drink. Disengaging mentally from this tension helped me a lot. I cannot control the OH’s drinking, only my own. Since I have stopped, I notice there is a decrease on that front, without my making any demands or that there be no alcohol in the home. I have also stopped trying to change anything at all. Complete acceptance of the way things are has increased my inner contentment and created more peace all the way around. Is there still a lot I would like to be differnt? Sure, but I would have to try to think of what they are at the moment. I am letting a lot just slide and am much happier for it. Highly recommend as Shadowlad suggested going to a women’s agency. They know the ropes and will provide a needed shoulder at this time.

Lots of love,
D&D
Hi serend taking "that step" seems so huge doesn't it??
D&D we are very similar. My OH drinks in excess of a bottle of vodka per day, every day. I personally hate the term functioning alcoholic, but if you mean the person gets up and goes to work everyday then yes he does, but he fails to "function" in any other area, be it social interaction or emotionally. Many times I have thought I would leave but financial, kids etc etc always played such a huge part as has my own fear of change and moving out. So I decided some time ago just to get on with it, to create a life for me and if he wanted involved, then fair enough, up to him. Sometimes we get on great other times he is just a drunken embarrassment. But MY life is different. I am sober and in control of me. I have no control over what he wants to do and he certainly doesn't want to give up drinking so there you have it- I am obviously not that important to him I think. Now please do not get me wrong, we have been together since we were kids, I have wanted for nothing in life, he is the kindest of people. But he is also a drunk and that completely changes his personality. Sadly I rarely see him sober. I realise I have now put up a wall against any emotional ( or romantic) involvement with him. This is something I miss terribly but hey! I really really do not want to sleep with a drunk guy.
Serend not sure if any of this helps you in any way? You can stay where you are and build a very satisfactory life around him, but you need to take tiny little steps back from your relationship every day and in every way. You need to build your strength and confidence to do this. You could end up happy with this, tolerate this or take it for what it is, but it can be damned lonely. Or you can walk away and create a new life for you. Your other option is to stay and be miserable.
Whatever you choose my lovely there are support organisations to help you and all of us on BE are here whenever you need us.
<:)> <:)> <:)>

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Hope209 » 04 Jan 2018 20:57

Serend I'm sorry to hear that. If its any consolation my sister left her alcoholic partner after over 30 years. She found the courage and is making a new life for herself. Look into all your options and it may take time and planning, but you can move on if things don't improve and you decide that's what you want.
<:)>
Sobriety is the only way to avoid waking up the next day wondering what you did the night before ;)?
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Contrary Mary
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by Contrary Mary » 24 Jan 2018 17:09

I am so gutted. OH was today meant to be starting new counselling and when I spoke to him in the middle of the day he sounded focused and on track (after a 7-day binge). He said he'd call me when he was done to work out if he would meet me at my work and get a lift home or go by public transport. I hadn't heard from him and couldn't raise him on the phone and in the end just went home to find him asleep with an empty bottle of wine. He was at least relatively lucid. Said he had just felt like a black cloud descended on him and couldn't leave the house because of stomach upset, so rescheduled for two weeks time. The thought of two more weeks like the last one is making me feel quite sick. I cleaned up the kitchen and cooked dinner while he rested. When he did surface quite a bit later he was in a clearly altered state. He couldn't speak, was looking at me through unfocused eyes and got distressed at the news on telly. Was clear he had had a lot more to drink than the one bottle (I had actually been thinking one wasn't two bad, comparatively speaking). I tried to get him to go to bed - he's too big for me to physically get up and down the hall, and I hate sounding and feeling like the mother of a stubborn child...but told him to go. No joy so he is now slumped on the sofa all twisted and I can hear him moaning, while I'm in the spare room. He also has a new, large ugly bruise on his knee, suggesting another fall from his bike. I asked him how it had happened and he couldn't remember.

I am in an absolute state about money. I am the only wage earner (OH hasn't earned anything for about 6 years) and manage our finances, paying the bills and mortgage etc. We have a joint acct that my pay goes into that is set up for the mortgage repayments to come out of. I used to also transfer money into his own acct that he would use for household expenses (in the better days before he lost his licence he used to do all the grocery shopping during the week) and to have money for himself. When more and more of that was being spent on alcohol I cut back the amount.

Now things are so bad I don't transfer money. He has everything he needs - food, travel card, medicine, a house etc. I get that him not having money 'of his own' is not good but the reality is that the only thing he spends it on is cider and wine that he drinks during the day while I'm at work, plus he could take it out of the joint acct.

We talked about it after a dreadful binge he went on at New Years that lasted 4 or 5 days, and after he finally got around to having the liver scan his GP had ordered for him at the end of November (he hasn't had the result yet because he is meant to have another blood test to confirm if the very high iron reading in a previous one was still there. He has been putting off and off the blood test, not wanting to have it done when he has been drinking - and has been drinking heavily ever since...). He agreed to give me his bank card so he wouldn't be able to withdraw money. Turned out he could get money out of the bank just with ID. Talked about it again and he gave me his drivers licence. Turns out he could get money out just by showing up because they know him at the local branch. After the next binge I decided to move the remainder of my pay out of the joint account. I told him there was nothing left in there until the next pay.

Still somehow he has the means to buy alcohol. (His siblings - all of whom know he has an issue with alcohol - contact me to say I must not 'enable' him by giving him access to money. The counselling service I was going to tried to steer me away from that thinking as it embodies controlling, fixing behaviour, ie me taking on all the responsibility, but suggested seeking his agreement - that made it more possible for him to be responsible for his own behaviour.)

So I have now discovered this - it seems the bank has allowed him, without a card, to redraw funds as a cash withdrawal from our joint mortgage. He has actually started tacking debt onto the mortgage that I am the one paying, and at a rate that if he kept it up would outstrip the amount I pay per month, all for the purpose of buying alcohol. I think I am going to have to go into the bank myself and ask how to block this. Humiliating for both of us and I suspect the answer will be that I can't unilaterally make changes to the account set up and will need OH's consent.

I am so angry and frustrated, and just heart-broken. Sorry for the long rant.

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by SueDenim » 24 Jan 2018 22:34

Sorry to read this, Contrary Mary. I don't know what to suggest, but didn't want to read and ignore.

Maybe try the CAB to see what your options are? One way or another, you need to separate your finances if you can, or your husband will drag you both down, which will only add to your problems.
<:)>

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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by DannyD » 24 Jan 2018 23:13

Contrary Mary, this sounds an awful situation. I think you may have to face the humiliation though, and go to the bank for clarity. You need to know how big the mortgage debt is getting before it's beyond your control. And you need to stop it. As you say, the mortgage is in both names, but perhaps he might agree to the bank not allowing him to add to the borrowing?

Perhaps CAB might be a good place for advice?
be selfish in your sobriety.

DoneandDone
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Re: When loved ones drink and you don't

Post by DoneandDone » 25 Jan 2018 00:05

Dear Mary,

If you were here in the states I would refer you to community legal services.

I looked in UK for something similar and found Civil Legal Advice.
As Danny and Sue mentioned CAB that would be a good place to contact also for support for you.
Perhaps those services overlap with CLA. I think your primary need is for a lawyer.

Civil Legal Advice (CLA).

Click this link to find out more: https://www.gov.uk/civil-legal-advice

If you’re eligible, you can get help if your home is at risk. Which it certainly sounds like it is.
If CLA can’t help you, they’ll suggest somewhere else you might be able to get advice.

Have the following with you when you speak to CLA: recent payslips, bank statements, details of any savings and investments, details of any benefits you get, mortgage statements and a current valuation for any property you own.

The siblings of the OH sound supportive of you. I would lean on them.

Keeping you in thoughts for the best possible outcome,
Marsha
It will always and forever be One Day At A Time

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