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Family Matters

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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pickles
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Re: Family Matters

Post by pickles » 27 Feb 2018 08:25

' Normal ' is just a setting on the washing machine .

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Shadowlad
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Shadowlad » 27 Feb 2018 13:04

I read your link Pickles and that is so insightful about teenage minds. The hardest thing with moody teenagers is that they seem to constantly push parents away and are hard to understand. This info is so informative, i wish i had read something like this years ago ;)?
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

DoneandDone
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Re: Family Matters

Post by DoneandDone » 27 Feb 2018 13:27

Excellent article. Pickles thank you.
All the kids are experiencing this now i think and many adults too.
Will send to daughter.She has even said to me once stop spoiling me.
She’s doing well and on her own now, but she was affected of course. When I see her circle they will say, oh T said you stopped drinking’ It made me think she is proud. Then felt embarrassed a bit to be outed. But then next response will be. ‘I should do that’ or ‘I wish I could do that’. So another hurdle is being crossed with long term abstinence. More and more people will know. Trying not to think about it. Neurotic. Not helpful thinking.

So appreciate this place as I settle into a sober somewhat sane life. My life had little sanity before now.
It will always and forever be One Day At A Time

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Re: Family Matters

Post by DoneandDone » 28 Feb 2018 14:52

#Don’t Ever Give Up Ever
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Click here to play
https://vimeo.com/89802801

  • Don’t Give Up
    In this proud land we grew up strong
    We were wanted all along
    I was taught to fight, taught to win
    I never thought I could fail
    No fight left or so it seems
    I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
    I've changed my name, I've changed my face
    But no one wants you when you lose
    Don't give up
    'Cause you have friends
    Don't give up
    You're not beaten yet
    Don't give up
    I know you can make it good
    Though I saw it all around
    Never thought I could be affected
    Thought that we'd be the last to go
    It is so strange the way things turn
    Drove the night toward my home
    The place that I was born, on the lakeside
    As daylight broke, I saw the earth
    The trees had burned down to the ground
    Don't give up
    You still have us
    Don't give up
    We don't need much of anything
    Don't give up
    'Cause somewhere there's a place
    Where we belong
    Rest your head
    You worry too much
    It's going to be alright
    When times get rough
    You can fall back on us
    Don't give up
    Please don't give up
    'Got to walk out of here
    I can't take anymore
    Going to stand on that bridge
    Keep my eyes down below
    Whatever may come
    And whatever may go
    That river's flowing
    That river's flowing
    Moved on to another town
    Tried hard to settle down
    For every job, so many men
    So many men no-one needs
    Don't give up
    'Cause you have friends
    Don't give up
    You're not the only one
    Don't give up
    No reason to be ashamed
    Don't give up
    You still have us
    Don't give up now
    We're proud of who you are
    Don't give up
    You know it's never been easy
    Don't give up
    'Cause I believe there's a place
    There's a place where we belong

    Lyrics by Peter Gabriel
It will always and forever be One Day At A Time

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Shadowlad
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Shadowlad » 05 Mar 2018 20:29

Ok so today was a good day. It just takes one unpleasant message to cloud over a sunny day. My fingers were hovering over keyboard wanting to fire back but i didn't. I have to remember that i am the sober one, and i can choose how to respond. I choose to live in peace, not war.
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

chick dip
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Re: Family Matters

Post by chick dip » 05 Mar 2018 20:43

Nicky <:)> Be proud...you are the sober one and others nastiness is their problem....you sre so much better than them <:)> <:)>
AF May 2010-Sept 2012...thanks to this site...

Onward and upward again

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Shadowlad
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Shadowlad » 05 Mar 2018 21:08

Thanks Chick, its good to see you <:)> Im ok honestly, just annoyed at myself for worrying about this person, and allowing them to message me. Im leaving myself open to psychological games, which are quite infuriating. Maybe its time to close the door shut. xx
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Shadowlad
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Shadowlad » 06 Mar 2018 08:49

What a difference a nights sleep makes. I can draw a line under yesterday's message, i know it came from someone who's in a bad place. People often hit out when they are hurt. Today is a new day :)

<:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

DoneandDone
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Re: Family Matters

Post by DoneandDone » 10 Mar 2018 16:33

Hello Peeps,
AABF4468-AC39-4A49-BC68-87966A32E8A3.jpeg
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Recently I heard someone usually a very super rational type person, say the idea of our angels is that they are the inner heart, the one that cares for others. They are all about caring. When we care for others it’s our inner angel in action. It is said they protect us because engaged in taking care of others we are protected from harm.

As a child I was taught I had a guardian angel. I would save them room on my seat to the point I would be falling off. I wasn’t sure just how big my angel was, but wanted them to be comfortable. I lost touch with that angel. I’m grown up now and have Carl Jung and other writers to thank for a growing understanding of things like angels.

As I am able to maintain abstinence relatively comfortably I am curious as to all the whys I am still AF. I think part of it is getting in contact with my inner heart and finding I am still at home inside. This is giving me so much comfort a drink now would be superfluous.

Staying in touch with this inner heart, your own self isn’t selfish preoccupation. I find I am calmer and kinder with others even when they are provocative, forgetful, inconsiderate etc. I am growing in ability to witness and sometimes control my emotions. I try to actively smooth troubled waters rather than stirring the pot over some superficial issue that does not merit upset feelings.

I rather like imagining angels of my better nature assisting me like when a child. This seems a better plan than engaging in the endless worry and anxiety provoking thoughts which drinking helped produce and compound. I did not think this much change was possible for me, but it is happening.

D&D
Last edited by DoneandDone on 11 Mar 2018 14:02, edited 1 time in total.
It will always and forever be One Day At A Time

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Shadowlad
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Shadowlad » 10 Mar 2018 19:34

Lovely post Marsha <:)> xx
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Trojan
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Trojan » 10 Mar 2018 21:21

Great post D&D <:)>

Addiction is characterised by retreating into our own heads. Lost in thought, we end up losing our emotional connection to others and to our own higher self. As Johann Hari says "The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection".

One of the most rewarding aspects of getting into recovery is the capacity to reconnect with our hearts and with our loved ones. While focussed on those connections, we are more truly ourselves, and this helps to keep us safe from harm.

On an otherwise ordinary evening, but one that I'll always remember, my lovely OH arrived home to find me pootling around in the kitchen. She stopped in the doorway and said "I can't find words to say how good it is to come home and find you here. Really here, and safe".

Best wishes to all <:)>
Au milieu de l'hiver, j'apprenais enfin qu'il y avait en moi un été invincible.
#99 on the 2020 Challenge

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Trojan
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Trojan » 11 Mar 2018 13:49

For mothers everywhere, and in remembrance of my own <:)>
mother's-day-bouquet-carnations.jpg
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Au milieu de l'hiver, j'apprenais enfin qu'il y avait en moi un été invincible.
#99 on the 2020 Challenge

DoneandDone
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Re: Family Matters

Post by DoneandDone » 11 Mar 2018 14:00

Lovely I know just where to put them. That’s going to be quite the tab Trojan. All the moms everywhere and all. <:)>

I have to look up UK Mother’s Day history.
USA version was something about a daughter convincing Abraham Lincoln of making a day for mothers. After the Civil War I think. Then the greeting card industry took over.
It will always and forever be One Day At A Time

DoneandDone
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Re: Family Matters

Post by DoneandDone » 11 Mar 2018 14:17

Trojan wrote:Great post D&D <:)>

Addiction is characterised by retreating into our own heads. Lost in thought, we end up losing our emotional connection to others and to our own higher self. As Johann Hari says "The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection".

One of the most rewarding aspects of getting into recovery is the capacity to reconnect with our hearts and with our loved ones. While focussed on those connections, we are more truly ourselves, and this helps to keep us safe from harm.

On an otherwise ordinary evening, but one that I'll always remember, my lovely OH arrived home to find me pootling around in the kitchen. She stopped in the doorway and said "I can't find words to say how good it is to come home and find you here. Really here, and safe".

Best wishes to all <:)>
Peace Dove,
That was a very nice read.

Has me looking up Forster. Might be nice to watch Howard’s End and how Margaret Schlegel/Emma Thompson handles things.
  • ’For those who have never read Howards End (or missed Emma Thompson in the 1992 film version), it is a book about human connection. Margaret Schlegel—the older of the two cultivated, well-to-do sisters central to the story—becomes impassioned over the phrase "Only connect!" which carries two meanings. One is a call to unite the opposing elements within each person—what Margaret calls the beast and the monk, the prose and the passion—while the other is a call to put the greatest energy into personal relations. "Only connect!" is the book's epigraph, and whenever Forster speaks as narrator he emphasizes the value of personal relationships’
It will always and forever be One Day At A Time

DoneandDone
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Re: Family Matters

Post by DoneandDone » 12 Mar 2018 00:59

Nice to learn UK Mothering Day came from Ancient Rome not Hallmark Cards
  • ‘In ancient Roman religion, the Matronalia or Mothering Day was a festival celebrating Juno Lucina, the goddess of childbith, established by Romulus as the first day of March. Women untied knots and unplaited their hair as sympathetic magic to prevent entanglements in the delivery of babies. Children of all ages were expected to pay a formal visit to their mothers and to bring a Simnel cake as a gift.

    Later on, Matronalia was shifted to the fourth Sunday of Lent. In the United States, Mother’s Day falls in May, and is held in honor of humanitarian work carried out by women during the Civil War.’
    AE702F27-3F78-4625-910B-6D4DFB3E0AA1.jpeg
    Simnel Cake
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It will always and forever be One Day At A Time

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Shadowlad
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Shadowlad » 12 Mar 2018 11:48

Lovely posts here, my favourite thread talking about what really matters, family. Family members, those sadly passed, those estranged, and those present, are what shape and evoke us. They can infuriate us yet inspire and bring so much joy. Thank you for the thoughtful flowers remembering all mothers and your own dear mother Trojan. Yesterday my son wished me a happy mothers day and thanked me for all the good things i have done for him growing up, by FB message. This meant so much, it means that by not reacting badly to his occasional difficult messages, and being honest, firm and loving no matter what, there is hope for him. The only way i can help him with his addiction is by example, truth and unconditional love. I did not expect to hear from him on Mother's day, but it meant so much.

Interesting to learn the history of Mothering Sunday too.

<:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

DoneandDone
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Re: Family Matters

Post by DoneandDone » 28 Mar 2018 11:07

D8A937D0-12F2-4CD6-B805-5B9FA7D1B984.jpeg
Trying to reach OH about his mind being affected by drinking
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For many months have been anxious about OH drinking. He’s a bit older has had heart attack a year ago but back skiing chopping wood not slowed down. For awhile didn’t drink, but soon resumed. It’s progressing like it does. I had to speak even though aware of codependent issues. Personality shift when drinking is too much. Sent this email to him. We are at arms length for a while so communication is bit formal shall we say. This has to change. I don’t want to resolve issues on his or my death bed. Resolution desired. He quits. But can’t be demanded. A little crafty nagging will try.
  • This made me think of you. So smart capable.
    Shame to be drinking all that down the drain. Alcohol is doing you no favors.
    Big change in personality when you drink. Not in positive direction.

    Just beer for a few months. Taper down slowly.  Try a few days AF  slowly quitting can be painless.

    YOU WILL NOT MISS IT.  YOU WILL BE SO GLAD TO BE DONE WITH IT.

    READ THIS.

    https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017 ... -the-soul‬
Click here for article
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017 ... f-the-soul
It will always and forever be One Day At A Time

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Mark.
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Mark. » 28 Mar 2018 12:08

Your email made me wince, D&D - but in a good way. It reminded me of a very similar letter my wife wrote to me, several years ago. To read your words, and to recall those of my wife, brought back a memory of shame but also a memory of having been loved enough for that letter to have been written.

I was humbled then. I'm humbled now.

I sincerely hope your OH heeds your advice <:)>
"Addiction doesn’t go away when we stop drinking." ~ Tai

DoneandDone
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Re: Family Matters

Post by DoneandDone » 29 Mar 2018 15:11

Dear Jjjj,
Your comment confirmed something I could only wish for before.That after all the years of togetherness, which has evolved to be a kind of indifferent truce, more like a cease fire sometimes, our enduring connection could be bright. Sobriety is making this possible. Last night OH had wine with dinner, no whiskey and no pregame warm up beer. Was also more personal in chatting rather than the sense I was somebody he met at the bus stop which has been the style passing for conversation.
Thanks so much for a lovely sharing from the heart.
D&D
It will always and forever be One Day At A Time

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Mark.
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Mark. » 30 Mar 2018 10:51

No worries, D&D - I sincerely hope things continue to improve between you and OH. That's really great that the evening went better, the other night ;)? <:)>
"Addiction doesn’t go away when we stop drinking." ~ Tai

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