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Advice please

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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smudge
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Re: Advice please

Post by smudge » 18 May 2013 23:03

I've used some of the online resources for Smart but there are no meetings anywhere near where I live. I wish it had been available near me when I first stopped.

Actually, I'll correct that and say I wish I had KNOWN about it when I first stopped. But like a lot of people I thought it was AA or the highway. :? :roll:
"I would rather be a non-drinker with the occasional desire to drink, than a drinker with the constant desire to quit."

Learn from other's mistakes, you won't live long enough to make them all by yourself.

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Jake.
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Re: Advice please

Post by Jake. » 18 May 2013 23:05

Yeah Lol. The online meetings are really good now. Group presentation / meeting software you can talk over mic and speakers , draw, share files, discuss things on the online meetings
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Re: Advice please

Post by dhl4 » 18 May 2013 23:59

Thank you so much, Jake and smudge. I'd never heard of SMART before. I'll look into it.

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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 21 May 2013 14:08

Smudgers - if you check the map at smartrecovery.org.uk now, there is a meeting in your locale. ;)?

Edit: On a Monday

Another edit: I would personally encourage everyone to look at SRUK (I would, I'm part of the "Big Team"!) but even if you think its no good for you, at least you've tried - and you're taking ownership of your recovery.
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smudge
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Re: Advice please

Post by smudge » 21 May 2013 14:19

Thanks for that Col. ;)? I may look in one day. :)
"I would rather be a non-drinker with the occasional desire to drink, than a drinker with the constant desire to quit."

Learn from other's mistakes, you won't live long enough to make them all by yourself.

I'm not a doctor!

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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 21 May 2013 14:56

Even if you don't actively use the tools because you're so far down the recovery road, Smudge, your story may well give someone else hope - and look what support you give to people on here. You've survived it, and come out of the other side - that's no small thing, believe me.
Don't underestimate what you give to people. x

Hugs <:)>
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smudge
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Re: Advice please

Post by smudge » 21 May 2013 17:38

Aww, thanks Col. <:)>
"I would rather be a non-drinker with the occasional desire to drink, than a drinker with the constant desire to quit."

Learn from other's mistakes, you won't live long enough to make them all by yourself.

I'm not a doctor!

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2XS
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Re: Advice please

Post by 2XS » 24 May 2013 07:41

I never knew about SMART online, seems like a great alternative as there are no meetings near me. I shall explore, thanks ;)?
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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 24 May 2013 09:05

Online meetings are very good - use a microphone if you can (sort of Skype headset thing would be ideal, but I use my laptop mic), although typing is just fine. As is just sitting there listening - there's really no requirement to get involved if you don't want to (but from F2F meetings I run, experience tells me people join in because we're not judgemental ;) )
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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 24 May 2013 09:07

Oh, and do check the "Meetings Map" regularly on smartrecovery.org.uk, as new meetings are popping up regularly as we expand through the UK. ;)?
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Hereagain
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Re: Advice please

Post by Hereagain » 27 May 2013 16:27

Bit of a rant but need advice too please - I think I ve 'bored' some of my friends with this now and depending on whether their parenting is 'soft' or a bit harder I get different opinions!

My eldest son is 21 next month and my youngest is 16. Since stopping drinking my relationship with both of them has improved greatly. However, they are both lazy little buggers and I know I have enabled this by doing too much for them.

Lately, I have come to realise that relationship with son number 1 is only good when he is doing what he wants to do. He has a girlfriend, who is lovely, but they basically are living together flitting between my house and her parent's house. Her Dad is quite strict so it s more likely they stay at mine. I put my foot down a couple of months ago and said she could only stay at the weekends as I feel they are getting all the 'benefits' of living together but none of the responsibility. He works self-employed as a youth football coach and is doing well but is basically only working evenings and weekends so never seems to have enough money. I don t get maintenance for him or tax credits anymore due to his age. I work full-time term-time and while I m at work he spends his days watching sky sports (which I have now cancelled as I never get to watch it anyway!) and playing X-box. He does Hoover a couple of times a week :roll:

I have lent him money for his car-insurance for the last two years and although he has paid most of it back at the moment he still owes me about £400. He s managed to book and pay for a holiday to Egypt in July though. He pays me housekeeping but not very much.

Today after picking me up from doing the big shop (he makes me feel like he s doing me a favour cos I m the only one who eats in our house!) he has plonked himself down in front of the telly for the day while I ve mowed the back grass and filled 5 big sacks of garden rubbish.

I am starting to think why am I allowing myself the struggle of trying to maintain a 3 bed home which is killing me financially and physically when technically I am only responsible financially now for my 16 year old. I feel mean even thinking it but am seriously thinking of downsizing to a 2 bed home as I am tired of shouldering all the responsibilities.
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Jaxom
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Re: Advice please

Post by Jaxom » 27 May 2013 20:30

I agree with every word Jos.

One other thing, from my current situation. I am not working but my wife is. I am several years older and always worked far longer hours than she does so she accepts that I have 'put the hours in' over the years and it was not unreasonable for me to take an early retirement, having prepared for it financially. But, I know she sometimes feels a bit resentful when she goes out the door to work and I am drinking coffee in my dressing gown (and probably on BE!). So, I decided that I would work in the house each day for at least the same number of hours as she was at work. I take some 'me' time during the day but stay on duty in the kitchen, doing odd-jobs etc in the evening. It works fine. I get some chill out time during the day and she comes home to a clean and tidy house, meal prepared and no household chores - ever.

So, Hereagain, if your son's earnings mean that he cannot pay his way in cash, could he at least pay partly in labour, put in the same number of hours as you do, work and home combined. Obviously you will not be around to make sure he is putting in lthe time but you know how long the various chores take and can check they have been done to the required standard. It would need him to play ball but it would teach him how much effort is needed to run a household.

That must be so frustrating about him going on holiday. However hard up we are we all need a holiday at some point. A week in a caravan out of season at the nearest resort worked for us in days gone by.

Dave
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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 27 May 2013 22:01

It can be considered a terrible thing to say, but I've found one of the most important things in early recovery is to be selfish. You don't mention it, but is the stress of this situation liable to give rise to "I must use to escape this" thoughts?
One of the tools we use is called the Hierarchy of Values (HoV). Do a list of everything that is important to you - be honest. Now, where on that list do you and your sobriety (I do hate that word) come? If its not at the top, you need to consider what will happen to all the things that you say are important to you that are above you if something ever happened. To look after things/people you need to look after YOURSELF first. if the situation is making you think of using, then something has to change to protect you.
I have a stepdaughter at uni (slightly different, I know), who rarely lifts a finger when she comes home. Her mother panders to her and it winds me up something chronic, much as I love her like my own. Its just the way they are at that age - but there's no need for you put up with it. I now refuse to sub her driving (except the insurance, as to not pay for that means either my wife or I will have to play taxi), or her nights out with her mates. if she wants these things, she has to pay or earn the goodwill.

So - the idea of a family sit down - calmly - and discuss a way forward is ideal. Remember not to lose your temper, but do make sure he is under no illusions that the option is there for you to downsize - and he can start to look for properties of his own if that's what he wants. Make it clear its not all about the money if he's short (Egypt, for all its loveliness isn't that expensive - if you'd said The Seychelles I'd have had a fit), but you do expect him to pull his weight. Also remember that while your body is recovering from alcohol abuse you will get fatigued (see the PAWS thread).

Stay lucky,
Col
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Hereagain
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Re: Advice please

Post by Hereagain » 28 May 2013 07:16

Thank you for all your opinions guys. Guess I just needed my feelings validated. Have felt 'put upon' by both boys lately and every now and again things come to a head. Will need to sit down and speak to both of them as at the moment all I seem to do is 'nag' and I hate that. One of my friends went on strike and literally did nothing for her teenagers for 2 weeks - it seemed to do the trick, for a while at least. I rather fear it wouldn't bother my 2 as they would happily live in squalor I suspect. ()o

Col - I don t have a problem with my son going on holiday per se - it s more his assumption that I can wait for the money he owes me when in actual fact I don t know if I can afford a break this year with my youngest son and feel a bit resentful I guess.

Your reference to PAW s made me think as I have been so very tired all the time lately. I didn't realise PAWs could last up to 2 years. That s quite scary. I wonder if it s a mix of that and still feeling mentally exhausted from grieving my Dad.

Lots to think about and thank you all for taking the time. <:)>
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CJ
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Re: Advice please

Post by CJ » 28 May 2013 10:25

Hi hereagain,
I think sitting and talking is so important. In families we all too often presume we all know what is going on with each other. But as mums we often try to protect our kids from the nitty details, we don't want them worrying. I think your eldest is old enough to be told in adult terms exactly how this, everything, is effecting you. It is very hard,I know,to do this sort of thing without sounding like nagging. But if you prepare a speech in your mind, get your points across clearly, make sure he knows you truly need his support in adult terms, you may get a better response. I personally think have this word with him privately, so he is being treated as the older son that he is. Not with the youngest present.
My son has never responded to criticism. But if I ask his help, praise him for his achievements, his abilities, he positively blooms. Your son may surprise you yet.
Cj
Xx
"My urge is never to have just a glass even if the EAF pretends it is, my urge is to get wasted. When I am getting urges like that it is impossible for me to kid myself that I no longer have a problem." Pineapple

Hereagain
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Re: Advice please

Post by Hereagain » 28 May 2013 17:54

Thanks CJ - unfortunately things came to a bit of a head today - son has not been around as I know he s steering clear of me. Anyway I probably spent too long stewing and it s resulted in an exchange of words by text - not what I wanted at all :(

Both boys have said I m pushing them away and maybe I am more down than I realised trying to deal with my grief over my Dad and all the pressures of running a home by myself. I have an appt at the doctors later for something unrelated but think I will speak to him about the possibility of grief counselling.

My son has a bottle of vodka in his bedroom (which has been there for ages after a party they went to). For an hour today I wrestled with taking a drink. I haven't but I came close because I just wanted to blot it out. Played the tape forward and was able to acknowledge it s going to make me feel ten times worse. Cried for about an hour and now feel exhausted. Maybe it s time to accept I m not coping as well as I think I am or want to portray to my family.

Thanks for listening. <:)>
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Re: Advice please

Post by Topcat » 28 May 2013 17:58

Hereagain wrote: I have an appt at the doctors later for something unrelated but think I will speak to him about the possibility of grief counselling.
That sounds like a very good idea to me HA and hope you get some assistance in that respect <:)> <:)>
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Re: Advice please

Post by Collie » 21 Jun 2013 11:53

Hi!
I'm looking for some advice and this might seem stupid.
I am not sure if my partner has a drink problem or not. He has always enjoyed a drink and we've had the odd argument over the years about him cutting down at times.
Anyway, things have recently happened in my life which has changed my outlook on things and opened my eyes and now I'm not sure if he has does have an issue with drink or whether I initially used it as an excuse to think over our relationship, but now I'm seeing maybe it is an issue after all.
Roughly he drinks between 3-6 beers on a weeknight. Of a weekend, this can be 5-8 and occasionally has been 10. I try to think of a day where I can't remember him drinking and I struggle to, apart from if hes been on antibiotics. My problem is, he doesn't get drunk. Ok this might not seem like an issue lol, but because he doesn't really cause any problems between us, I'm wondering if I am being unreasonable. I know its not doing his health any good, but I'm looking at it from a relationship perspective.
He doesn't have much of a sex drive, never really has, and he is also tired a lot due to his job, but is the alcohol making this worse?
We have been together a long time and I love him. I know some will say, if Ive posted here then there's an issue, but there's other issues with me and I don't know if Ive suddenly woke up to this or if I'm seeing it as a problem all of a sudden and its not one.
I know years and years back, he drank more in his early 20s.
I just don't know what to think. I've told him to cut back to a few after work and 3-4 on a weekend but he doesn't. He thinks I'm going over the top as he doesn't cause trouble, and he is fine when he's had a drink. Now, its the fact he won't compromise and won't cut back when I've asked which is part of it all.
Occasionally on a weekend, I can tell slightly he has drank. I would like for us to sometimes do couple things together but we do NOTHING, but sit at home which I like but not all the time.
I hope I don't come across horribly! I'm confused as to whether this is reason enough to rethink our relationship if he doesn't change. I'm at a point where I want children let alone a sex life and I don't know whether this is a problem as i feel like I'm blinded in a way with all the years and good memories we have.

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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 21 Jun 2013 12:37

Wow, that's a multi strand post, isn't it. First off - only you can decide if the relationship is good for you. People will be able to tell you "in your position I did this..." But just what you want to do is entirely up to you.

I define a drink problem (and REBT defines it) as "if it's affecting your long term plans and goals (that's the short version - I would encourage everyone to read "Rational Drinking"). E.g. If your long term goal is to drink 8 cans of beer a night, and not worry about the consequences, then I would suggest that you don't have a problem (note, this us totally different to medical guidelines, and what other people may think - but if that's your plan, and you're achieving it, you'll never stop). If, on the othèr hand your plan is to have a relationship, a business, maybe kids or foreign holidays, and you're drinking is interfering with that then yes, there a problem.

I would suggest you sit down together and discuss what you both want from life in a calm manner. Only then can you move forward with all the evidence.
Don't use his drinking as an excuse, unless it is really affecting your own long term plans.

To give you an example of the above, I hit the bottle mainly after my first wife left me (although the booze was a factor in that, too). For a lot of years my goal was self destruction, and I was doing it very well. It was only when my long term goal changed (with my 3rd wife - we don't tslk about the second drunken mistake) that I grabbed my life by the balls. But it's not easy.

Sorry if there's typos and it doesn't scan, but I'm replying on a phone sitting in my van :-)
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Re: Advice please

Post by Collie » 22 Jun 2013 17:43

Thanks for your reply :-)
It's very hard to sit and discuss things with him in a calm manner as he gets his back up and thinks I'm nagging him, even if I'm talking nicely!
Last week he told me he wants kids, yet this has been the plan for a few years now and nothing is happening.
Last night he had 6 drinks... He tells me 5 but I saw him get a can out of his car without me knowing. He still said he'd had 5 when I asked. I could tell he'd been drinking last night for some reason, and id only been upstairs for around 15 mins, came downstairs and he was asleep snoring on the sofa.
No apology today. Who knows what tonight will bring!

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