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Advice please

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
Melanie961
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Re: Advice please

Post by Melanie961 » 08 Sep 2013 19:08

Hiding: I got your PM.I will get back to you when I have time to explain it all. :D

I am a former guilt ridden goody two shoes and know exactly how you feel. :(


Col: Thanks for the thread to Smart Recovery. ;)?

I have been looking into this but couldn't find any meetings in my area.

I have AA a 10 minute walk away but am staying away from them. :shock:


Mel ;)?

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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 08 Sep 2013 19:46

Nah, you don't need it surgically removed - you just need to change your own reaction to events. Your own reaction is about the only thing in life you have control over - because you certainly can't change other people. Or you'll go mad (or pissed, trust me on that one) trying. Its how SR works. I'm teaching new facilitators later this week at an SP in Birmingham, so we're on the up and up!
If there's not a meeting in your area (at the moment), there are three online meetings on Sun/Wed/Fri. Details at the URL in my signature - you WILL need to register with SRUK - but by all means stay incognito if you want. There's no pressure or requirement to join in if you don't want, but experience tells me people tend to want to join in once they realise we're not judging. Ideally you'll have a microphone, but lots of people tend to use it as an interactive board if they don't have the equipment and/or are not happy speaking.

Enjoy! And never forget its YOUR recovery. If bits from different methods suit you, take what you need as far as I'm concerned - just get better.
Part of the SMART Recovery "Big Team"
www.smartrecovery.org.uk

Melanie961
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Re: Advice please

Post by Melanie961 » 08 Sep 2013 19:49

()o
Last edited by Melanie961 on 09 Sep 2013 15:12, edited 1 time in total.

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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 08 Sep 2013 20:17

Know it well, I used to have friends in Petrolia before my drinking led me down a path that screwed [another] marriage.
SR is pretty global now - we have a guy who's a regular from West Virginia (yes, he's heard all the jokes about the song). You have the option of the US site then (smartrecovery.org) but you'd need to check what their online meeting timings are (particularly by timezone), or you'll always be welcome this side of the pond - just be aware that we're in front of you. There should be a meeting out of the three that should suit.
Part of the SMART Recovery "Big Team"
www.smartrecovery.org.uk

Melanie961
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Re: Advice please

Post by Melanie961 » 08 Sep 2013 21:08

Col: I will try to figure out wheither to go on Vancouver the States or the UK.

For some reason the meetings in Toronto are for ages 15 through 30. :?

I love the site already.I couldn't remember the username I went under
last time I tried to check this out.No I wasn't drinking. :o

When I tried again they wouldn't let me go under a
different user name through the same IP address. (::)

That makes me happy. :D

Thanks again for all the info.I have no problem with face to face.


Mel ;)?

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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 08 Sep 2013 21:18

Yeah, I checked out the Canadian meeting schedule - I have no idea why there's that age range either.
The UK site is very secure - we did a lot of work on it to ensure its truly anonymous if you want it to be, to the extent that if you leave the site literally everything is deleted (a lot of sites leave certain info on the server - we decided to kill it all). However, I digress. As I said before, its your recovery - although all the meetings should run to the same format, you'll find different facilitators run them slightly differently. There may be something you like from Rational Recovery, or one of the 12-step programs (although 12step and SR tend no to mix), or Intuitive Recovery, or any one of another ways of getting and staying sober.
Part of the SMART Recovery "Big Team"
www.smartrecovery.org.uk


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DannyD
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Re: Advice please

Post by DannyD » 11 Sep 2013 19:39

And now for something completely different.

Since the op, my stamina has disappeared. It's returning, but slowly. I can play for a funeral (30 mins), a wedding just about (40mins), but am beaten by communion(1hr). That's my comparisons, not a medical statement.....

And I've recently picked up an ear infection which has knocked me out. I feel fine at the moment, but I have been in bed all day.

My sister lives in France. There's been a (week) long plan that she'd come and visit on Friday, and we'd eat out in the evening. I am looking forward to seeing her, but know I can't do from 2.30 - whenever (9?) in the evening, she chooses to go. I've emailed, explaining I'm not 100%, offering either afternoon or evening. She's just emailed back saying she'll be with me from 2.30. I don't think she's understood my limitations at the moment, and now I'm slightly frustrated by her, and bothered that Friday is going to be very tiring, leaving me very weary for a few days.

Any advice?
be selfish in your sobriety.

Melanie961
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Re: Advice please

Post by Melanie961 » 11 Sep 2013 20:20

DD: Has it been a long time since you have seen your sister?

Is she coming to visit you or sight see?

I can understand your frustration.

You always advice others not to push themselves or feel obligated.

Can you maybe go out for tea in the afternoon and then settle in at night for a good chat
and some takeaway and maybe a decadent dessert.


Mel ;)?

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DannyD
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Re: Advice please

Post by DannyD » 11 Sep 2013 22:25

Thanks Mel and Sunny.

I thought I'd clearly told her the choice, but there. I'm also feeling less panicked now, having rested all day.

I did think of saying I'd be in bed until 5, but actually, making her take me out for tea and cake is probably a better idea.

I'll see how Friday pans out, but thanks for the support. <:)> <:)> (that's a group hug.)
be selfish in your sobriety.

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MissCheese
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Re: Advice please

Post by MissCheese » 12 Sep 2013 07:17

DD maybe she meant that she would see you at 2.30 for the afternoon? If it were me I would email her back just asking her to clarify, no harm in asking that and it may stop you from worrying between now and then.

I'm quite thankful that I have a pretty open and often honest relationship with my younger Sister, we know we are both neurotic so try to be more mindful of the others feelings etc. Not such a great relationship with my older Sis.
MissCheese

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DannyD
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Re: Advice please

Post by DannyD » 12 Sep 2013 10:29

Thanks MissC and hiding

The pills are kicking in. I'm a lot better today - and can only feel better for tomorrow.

I do wonder what we're going to talk about for more than 30 minutes though. I may have to look at all her wedding photos :shock: . I missed her wedding - it was 4 days after my op.

Gird up yer loins. You can do this (that was a pep talk to myself. I bet it made you all wish you talked to yourselves).
be selfish in your sobriety.

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DannyD
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Re: Advice please

Post by DannyD » 30 Sep 2013 09:01

More advice please. In discussion with my neighbour I discover she is water metered. We have a shared water supply and I am not metered - nor have I been billed for this year. I chase up my un metered bill. She chases up her water meter ( her bill is treble mine). Water people are here now and realise that we have a shared supply.

Question: can I be billed retrospectively? If I pay my water bill for this year NOW, will that stave off meter bill?
be selfish in your sobriety.

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DannyD
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Re: Advice please

Post by DannyD » 30 Sep 2013 14:43

Advice no longer necessary. It appears we (my neighbour and myself) can not have a meter because of the shared water. And she's been paying for my water for 2. 1/2 years. . It's a problem for the water people to sort out, but she's coming round later to use her water for a bath.
be selfish in your sobriety.

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George
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Re: Advice please

Post by George » 30 Sep 2013 17:19

Is she bringing her water with her :?:
“Now I’m sober and I realize, I didn’t drink to escape the world, I drank to escape myself”
― Phil Volatile, Crushed Black Velvet

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DannyD
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Re: Advice please

Post by DannyD » 30 Sep 2013 18:51

We're both on the same meter George - only she's the one who's been paying. ()o
be selfish in your sobriety.

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Koos
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Re: Advice please

Post by Koos » 25 Mar 2014 19:56

Could have been on day seven but the last day four was a blip
I have a relationship question and I do NOT want to mess up

Day three almost done. Had a date tonight so my lady friend brought a bottle of wine, She is part of 90 % of the population that can take it and leave it. She had her glass I had coffee. Went to dinner mine was AF she had a glass we both had a wonderful time. The EAF did visit but only fleetingly.
How different to when I knew I was an alcoholic but did not accept it. I would have had a few drinks before the date, Behaved during the date, and then go on the daily binge. What a farce what a lie.

Do not know how to tell her.
Do I say you are dating an alcoholic who has accepted the disease and wants to be AF though he may stumble on the way?
Do I day as I get older I have become alcohol intolerant it is not working for me?
[ she knows I have been a widower twice ]
Do I say nothing?, That would be wrong as this relationship may develop

Would appreciate advice esp from those who relate to this problem
Thanks

Rose13
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Re: Advice please

Post by Rose13 » 28 Jan 2015 14:19

I am hoping to seek advice or connect with anyone who has experienced similar relationship problems to myself.
I have had a huge row with my OH and its has been one of many and is always the same subject.
It has got to the point now that i just want to run away as i am so sad and lonely.

10 years ago i moved country to start a new job.i met my OH and we bought a house then had a child (now5)
My partner is lucky to have a loving big family and hundreds of friends around him and a great job. I am the opposite i do not get on with my parents and have only 1 brother. I have a few friends back home but rarely see them due to distance.I was made redundant just before i got pregnant so had no job to go back to and due to the horrible area we live in i seldom leave the house never mind anything else. We are been in our house 7 years and the plan had been to move after a couple of years. I feel so trapped here. I use to have a great job and now i cant even seem to get any job. I have tried and nothing seems to good enough for my OH.He says i have to earn more money. He has a great job earning quite good money and i am confused to why we cant afford a better place in a better area. My son gets pushed about at school and was head butted by another child a few weeks ago.The time just seems to be passing by and we are still in this rut. its ok for him he can go out with his friends,spend money, see his family and i feel like i am just rotting away stuck in the house.
He barely gives me enough money for food and i cant claim job seekers as he earns too much. I have applied for lots of jobs but i am struggling to get a job to fit in around his work and busy lifestyle. he works 8 till 6 and rarely gets back before 7pm and is also overseas several weeks a year. I even had to cancel an interview because he couldnt get back in time and i had my child. I am at my wits end. I know there are two sides to every story and he can be kind and thoughtful sometimes but i dont know what to do anymore.

Any advice welcome

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pickles
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Re: Advice please

Post by pickles » 29 Jan 2015 07:54

Hi Rose, we have not spoken before but I have read a couple of your posts from a while ago. I,m sorry for what you are going through. Part of what you say strikes a chord with myself as well, i.e leaving my job but before I had my child and trying to find work again.

Where you live, is it not safe, as you say it is horrible,or is it because you are isolated with no close shops for example? Money for food, could your OH start a joint account, in that way he sees what and where the money is going although he should have trust in you. My OH looks each month to see what has gone in etc but it's not to test but just to check.
With your son being head butted, I think it's better to tell his teacher and if they don't listen ,then to complain to the head of school. My daughter has had a couple of problems of late and I have had to check with her teacher, although I understand it may not be easy.
Does your son have a good friend at school ? Could he invite his friend over ,in that way you get to know the parents . Do you drive? You could always offer, if you drive, to pick the friend up or drop them back at his/her house when it is time.
Do they have social gatherings at your son's school; parents meetings? In that way of getting to know other parents. Would your husband encourage you to go to join up a class , language ,what hobby you like, again a suggestion of a joint account.

I did have these worries a few times and the best thing for me was to talk with my OH. It was not easy and even now I can get a bit flustered although it is sad having to feel like that after being together 14 years . I just think could you speak with your OH about this but trying for it to not turn into a row ,if you just tell him first your part and really he should listen without butting in. Difficult though for it to stay level . It can't be easy .

Would his family help out? Having your son over to stay with them so to give you time out, a chance to find a course. I think it's important to say to your OH that even if the pay is low on a job you have your mind on, at least it is a job,something for you to at least be away from the house and hours to fit around your son and school , which is not easy I know, meaning to find something around hours of school. Do his friends come to the house? Would they offer to babysit whilst you go out for some time with your OH, again his family could offer ,if they have not already.

For me I,m going to classes, and I am helping out with a couple of people till March ,it's pocket money but at least it keeps me sane. You have to put your foot down a bit, again tricky, but you are an adult after all and at least deserve something.
Voluntary work is something to think of, a way of meeting people. Looking on line where you are, I,m sure there could be something ,hopefully not far away from you.

House wise, it still could happen, the moving somewhere else but I guess with your son's school it is difficult to be thinking of moving now. This is partly why you need to speak with your OH.

I hope this is some sort of advice, it is a bit of experience on my part as well.
' Normal ' is just a setting on the washing machine .

Rose13
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Re: Advice please

Post by Rose13 » 29 Jan 2015 16:12

Thank you Pickles,
It really helps to speak to someone in a similar situation and i really appreciate you posting your suggestions.I have just joined the school facebook and have mentioned a few after school activites so hopefully i can meet mums there. The area we live in is quite rough so i dont go out much and there are no shops or cafes etc so it is quite hard. I dont drive too which makes it even more iscolated for me. I am hoping to get a job and then get driving lessons but finding a job is proving tricky. I do feel if things dont change soon i will have to make a stand and possibly move back home. I have spoke to my OH so many times and we just keep going over the same ground and not getting anywhere. I guess its just hard knowing what to do. I dont want to split the family up but it seems unfair that i have no choices in where and how i live my life. i think feeling trapped is the worst part of it all.

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