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Advice please

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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pickles
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Re: Advice please

Post by pickles » 29 Jan 2015 17:11

Hi Rose, I just lost a post which is annoying but will try to remember what I was tapping down before.

Yes, it must be horrid feeling isolated and I,m sorry the area you are living is rough. Is your son's school quite close to you or does he take the school bus ? Are there buses that come by to go to town, I don't know how far that would be. I hope with your son getting older that it will be easier to join in more activities ,and that's great to already join the school Facebook ,keeps you up to date of what is going on. I hope it will be easier for you to meet other parents there ,seeing familiar faces at the school and hopefully they may suggest a driving school, jobs ,just advice really. Could you already start lessons during school hours and ask your OH to sort out a way of paying. It sounds awful to ask him for things like that and he should have some sort of understanding that you want to get out of the house especially with him being overseas a lot.

This is why I wonder if your OH,s family could help out on certain weekends ? Give you a bit of space . If they are loving from what you say then surely they would offer? I guess it also depends where they live.

Would getting a pet give some kind of company? A dog ,maybe not , but a cat as they are independent . But then living in a rough area might also not be a good idea to keep a pet. Just a thought though.

I hope it does not mean moving back to your family . Give it time ,what with the weather hopefully getting better and spring around the corner, more or less, the evenings lighter , it hopefully will pick up. Try not to lose hope/ heart , <:)> and keep here as well to keep your mind busy and hopefully with someone else s' advice here as well ;)? Look after yourself .

Edit to say: could you ask your doctor about local places? I did when I moved where I am a few years ago. At first taking the bus to get to these places. Also re money and food, I do hope your OH will leave enough for you. Food and vitamins plus fresh drink,juice is very important especially for a growing child plus a mother who needs energy.
' Normal ' is just a setting on the washing machine .

Rose13
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Re: Advice please

Post by Rose13 » 30 Jan 2015 07:25

Hey thanks Pickles,
Lots of great advice. I just live a bus journey from the town centre so I could go in and have a look for jobs and clubs etc. its only a few pounds for the fare. I will ask my OH parents to have my boy for a sleepover . My OH never asks them and I only ask them in an emergency but maybe I need to be a bit more forth coming. They are nice people and I sure they wouldn't mind.
Thanks P
X

Sarah12
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Re: Advice please

Post by Sarah12 » 04 Jun 2016 14:51

This is off on a total tangent I know and may not get noticed, but has anyone else developed a crush on their counsellor for apparently no good reason? I'm in love with an attractive man and fulfilled but yet this has crept up. There isnt even much in the way of physical attraction. This is no Craig Daniel here. Can any one relate?
The ONLY thing that stands in our way of sobriety, is ourselves.

mkj
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Re: Advice please

Post by mkj » 04 Jun 2016 15:22

Sarah,
I wouldn't go as far as saying crush, but there was certainly a feeling of closeness . I think that's healthy, or it was for me, and I guess important to what I was going through at that time.

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Re: Advice please

Post by Sarah12 » 04 Jun 2016 15:30

Weirdly more crush than closeness. I think the latter for me at least is more rational.
The ONLY thing that stands in our way of sobriety, is ourselves.

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Re: Advice please

Post by Sarah12 » 04 Jun 2016 15:35

Do you know what... It probably just is a random crush.... We over think things some times.

Sarah
The ONLY thing that stands in our way of sobriety, is ourselves.

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Lush4life
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Re: Advice please

Post by Lush4life » 16 Jan 2017 18:54

Feeling lower than a snakes belly today.
Browsing FB this morning I see my husband had posted that he can no longer put up with living with me , now his feelings and indeed mine are not really a surprise because we haven't spoken since new year, but to put it on fb I feel is so bloody childish !
We've been going up and down like this for about 10 yrs. I was always told it was my drinking that was to blame but how can that be when am nigh on 2 yrs sober ?
In fact I would argue that this unhappy and long marriage ( 40 yrs in march) contributed greatly to my drinking.
So I don't know where we go from here , can it , should it be saved .
The pressure I feel in my head is immense as I love this man but a lot of the time don't like him as he is aggressive verbally and quite controlling , although that has become less so since I have been sober because am stronger and not so inclined to put up with it.
I could yes walk away but this marriage has known much love and fun culminating in 4 mostly addult children or I could stay for more of the same lonelyness and boredom that has become my norm and in many ways sobriety has shone a light on all that is bad I suppose.
Anyway he has got his vicar involved as he does relationship stuff and he (vicar) is coming back tomorrow to see if we are prepared to try and save this marriage , of course vicar doesn't know that side of husband everyone and all say he's charming and he is , when it suits.
I only post this as a way maybe just to relieve a little pressure as these days I just don't know where to put it .
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

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Topcat
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Re: Advice please

Post by Topcat » 16 Jan 2017 19:03

Aw Kim <:)> What an awful situation for you <:)>
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pickles
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Re: Advice please

Post by pickles » 16 Jan 2017 19:44

Oh no kim, that's very humilating . I am sorry for you . I think maybe you will have to be honest with the vicar ,that there is a different side to your OH and it hasn't been easy . Maybe the vicar sees that , I don't know . It can be difficult when no one sees everything behind closed doors <:)>

You are always so kind here and upbeat ,so it's important to post when you have things troubling you . I'm glad you felt ok to post here . Much more in confidence than facebook :(

I just want to add you sound a great mum with your four children and helping out with the grandchildren <:)>

I hope you get some rest before tomorrow .
' Normal ' is just a setting on the washing machine .

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Tai
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Re: Advice please

Post by Tai » 16 Jan 2017 20:01

Kim <:)> I'm sorry to read about what your OH has done, honestly what a way to behave. I'm glad you're a stronger person in sobriety and therefore resilient in the face of such poor behaviour. I really hope you can have a constructive discussion when the vicar visits ... even if you're not sure how if you want to work things out it's an opportunity to shine a light on how it unacceptable his behaviour is. I hope you're doing OK <:)>
A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than much knowledge that is idle.
Khalil Gibran

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Lush4life
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Re: Advice please

Post by Lush4life » 16 Jan 2017 20:06

Many thanks all for replying , not sure why I posted really just feel bit "lost " . :(
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

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DannyD
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Re: Advice please

Post by DannyD » 16 Jan 2017 20:20

If it was me - I'd find his post on FB and 'like ' it.......

EDIT.....and then I might share it and tag my grown up children, so he could perhaps see what a thoughtless dick he's been.
Last edited by DannyD on 16 Jan 2017 20:31, edited 1 time in total.
be selfish in your sobriety.

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Lush4life
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Re: Advice please

Post by Lush4life » 16 Jan 2017 20:31

DannyD wrote:If it was me - I'd find his post on FB and 'like ' it.......
He announced this on my post when my daughter had just made a nice comment to me.
I did post back ; who needs a tumble dryer when you can air your Dirty linen in public , shame on you!
His response was one of fury , because who am I to be ashamed of him.
There you go being married to alkie ; shameful in his eyes .
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

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DannyD
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Re: Advice please

Post by DannyD » 16 Jan 2017 20:33

Keep that to show the vicar tomorrow. Hardly the actions of a Christian.
be selfish in your sobriety.

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DannyD
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Re: Advice please

Post by DannyD » 16 Jan 2017 20:36

And hold your head up high. Yes, you had a problem. BUT, you've faced up to it and won. Your next problem would appear to be him. Draw up a list of pros and cons, and leave it lying around. Pros. "We had fun in the past" cons " he's boring now."
be selfish in your sobriety.

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Lush4life
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Re: Advice please

Post by Lush4life » 16 Jan 2017 20:38

Yes Danny , sadly I agree .
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

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DannyD
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Re: Advice please

Post by DannyD » 16 Jan 2017 20:39

You'd better not listen to me. I'm firmly of the opinion that a woman without a man is like a fish without a bike. But it can get lonely. Though there again, it can get lonely if you live together not speaking I guess.
be selfish in your sobriety.

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Jaded
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Re: Advice please

Post by Jaded » 17 Jan 2017 02:28

Just want to give you a hug Kim <:)>

Sadly, I've no (good) advice to give, although I do agree with Danny's fish-without-bike theory :lol:

I've been married for...errrmmm..30 some years and I know it can be tough, but Thoughtless Dick sounds truly terrible to live with :evil: :evil: :evil:

sending another hug just because <:)>

jaded
xo
“Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly until you can do it better" -- Zig Ziglar

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Songlian
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Re: Advice please

Post by Songlian » 17 Jan 2017 08:46

L4L

Maybe it would be helpful to read about alcoholism and domestic abuse which includes controlling and coercive behaviour. It is known that many women (and men) drink when they are in abusive relationships and use other negative coping behaviours.

Putting that on FB is pretty low. Block him so he can't do that again.

Best wishes

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Lush4life
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Re: Advice please

Post by Lush4life » 17 Jan 2017 12:19

Many thanks for kind replies , I feel bit bad for having aired this as husband can't defend himself here , am not running scared of him but yes his temper would take some believing, he's a jealous needy man in lot's of ways ,it pains me to say I felt when I was at my worst he sort of "got off " on it , that's a terrible thing to say but I think me being ill and he was all woe is me to anyone that stood still long enough , yup he told most people and I truly felt powerless to argue and think he found it hard to accept when I started to get better , my eldest daughter is of same opinion.
Anyway vicar is coming tonight , I will state my case whatever the cost , I would just be happy if I could have kindness , conversation and consideration , we'll see .
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

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