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Our kids

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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Shadowlad
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Re: Our kids

Post by Shadowlad » 16 Oct 2015 00:24

Hi Nezzynoo <:)>

Your post reminded me of how i worried and upset my daughter nearly 3 years ago. I had drank again (and overdosed) a week after a hospital detox. The poor girl was beyond distraught. Some time later we met up for lunch and she looked nervous but deadly serious. She told me that she just could not go through it again, she loved me but just couldn't do it. If i drank again she would have to walk away. It wasn't the actual threat that shook me, it was the courage she was showing as we were, and still are, very close. I realised right there and then what i was putting her through, and she was still delivering this ultimatum with love and courage. I had no right to hurt her like that, and she certainly didn't deserve it. My heart broke for her. My dear, darling, brave girl.

The good news is that i haven't drank since that day. But i had to gather up all my supports and hold on tight. I knew even then that the only way i would be drunk again was if i physically put alcohol to my mouth. So i vowed, no matter what, that not one drop of alcohol would pass my lips. Nothing and nobody could make me do it, i had that power to stop myself.

It's good to see you here Nezzynoo, and thank you for your honesty. It can't have been easy writing about something so painful. Try and stick around and gain some traction. We all need each other :) <:)>

Hi Pickles <:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Re: Our kids

Post by Shadowlad » 16 Oct 2015 00:32

Nezzynoo, is it ok to ask if you have been diagnosed Bipolar ? If so are you taking your medication as prescribed ? You don't have to answer, as this may be too personal for you to want to discuss. It's just that it is so important to have Bipolar properly treated and monitored by the MH professionals. If all that is in place then staying sober is far more doable. And it is doable, all the sober peeps right here on BE are testament to that ;)?

<:)> <:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

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Re: Our kids

Post by Nezzynoo » 16 Oct 2015 15:57

Hi everyone and thank you for the kind words.
The docs have never diagnosed me more than with depression but I am of the thinking I am bipolar. I am on mitrazipine and foolishly thought this was enough to cure me. I have to face demons and this time around I am being honest with everyone, even my boss who surprisingly understood too. I am building each day and finding strength even the bottle that I hadn't finished sits on the worktop not by way of temptation but more of a reminder and a test to ignore it. (My oh had had a glass out of it and it almost scared me because while it is still there it is keeping me on track, almost if if it is gone then nothing to remind me of what I have done. Ironically I saw my very first boss today who was/is a confessed alcoholic it reminded me that my drink patterns of 20 years have not changed and to see them still looking wel and enjoying soft drinks was a glimmer of hope. My daughter is communicating albeit pleasantries but I have smashed the week with physical efforts to get well, I know I have hurt her but I have to steam ahead and work to my goals. All my family talk of things coming up and I have been frank in saying that I can only think about my day ahead. Things are on the calendar but I cannot plan for even tomorrow - that has to be done when I wake up. Working has been a god send this week, I have really thrown muskeg in to do my best and getting the positive feedback is uplifting I just wish I didn't feel so tired! I am trying not to confront my daughter about my issues that she does nothing around the house because I know she will throw my drinking issues at me (quite rightly so) and I hope that when she sees my stickers on the calendar and my £2 a day build up then she will feel more like helping out a bit more. Having said that my biggest trigger is trying to do the work of 3 people at work/home/horses as to make life easy for others but eventually that all falls as do I straight into a bottle. Trouble is I have had these thoughts and falls that now spending time with me is not attractive.
So my way forward....my oh is being great and I am building things from there. Work are appreciative of me wanting to wxtend my contract and the horses are coping with extenden holidays, for now that is enough. If I get extra things done that is a bonus. I am working on this plan so I can fit in talking on here, organise counselling and get some exercise in. It will be this way while I rack up the days and weeks with strength of my sense o belief, if and when I gain others respect of me again then all of it will be a bonus. I just hope my daughter is the first person in the queue.
Sorry for a long winded meme post and a huge thanks for everyone's honesty and support. It means so much to not feel that I am alone or that my damage is not irretrievable xx
Staying Positive

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Re: Our kids

Post by Nezzynoo » 17 Oct 2015 20:30

Just popping in quickly to spread the news that my daughter has begun to come round and we are now talking (slowly but surely) and we have booked to go and watch the JAmes Bond movie on 26th Oct. A tough deal for me as I am not ususally a movie goer and it is scheduled for nearly 3 hours, but hey in comparison to what I have put my daughter through 3 hrs infront of a film is such a small price and the time spent getting there and back will be so special.
Happy happy me tonight
:\: \:)/ :\: \:)/ :D :D
Nezz
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Shadowlad
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Re: Our kids

Post by Shadowlad » 17 Oct 2015 21:03

Nezzynoo ;)? <:)> x
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

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Re: Our kids

Post by Nezzynoo » 18 Oct 2015 14:44

Thank you Shadowlad, I drove her to work this morning and she said she can see how hard I am trying and thanked me. So elated! Ironically those annoying thoughts of "cure" swept into my mind, how does that happen, less than 7 days since the damage, and less than 5 minutes after my daughter praising me the green light flickered. BUT that is all it is going to do. I am not giving in. I am eating my body weight in chocolate and finding myself on here when my mind starts to wander but I am not drinking. Have got to go to the supermarket to get some bits later and told OH that I cannot and will not by his beers, I shuddered at the thought but he was sweet and told me not to worry.
My daughter talked lastnight about her father who moaned to her that she never asks how he is and therefore is why he doesnt keep in touch with her. I felt so bad that neither of her parents have been particularly kind to her but I can change that and make at least one parent one to be proud of.
Positive day and really looking forward to joining the two weekers tomorrow
Nezz \:)/
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Topcat
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Re: Our kids

Post by Topcat » 18 Oct 2015 15:46

Nezzynoo wrote: I drove her to work this morning and she said she can see how hard I am trying and thanked me. So elated!
So pleased to read that Nezzy ;)? Well done (::) Never mind about eating your own weight in chocolate. That can be tackled later on. The main thing at present is to keep on keeping off the booze <:)>
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Re: Our kids

Post by Nezzynoo » 18 Oct 2015 16:12

Thank you Topcat, I feel like I have been given my last chance and boy am i going to take it.

I know I have such a long way to go and must not fall into previous thought processes. I say this because after pulling out of daughter's workplace my mind was trying to say well a drink wont hurt here, you will always be forgiven. I couldnt believe it and quickly had to shove it out again and remind myself of the damage i did last week and the pain I put everyone (including myself) through. Consequently I have been sitting on BE all afternoon and eating chocolate. Also been planning a new hobby with one of my ponies which I am hoping to start when I go to get them in.
I am also so lucky that my OH is supportive. I need to go to the shop when I pick up daughter and I told him that I cannot buy him any cider that he usually gets of an evening. (I dont mind hime drinking it, but if i buy it somehow the craving is twice as hard.) He said he didnt mind, and a friend of ours invited him to the pub but he has declined that. (I have decided I am not going anywhere near a pub (apart from work but they know my new plan and have promised not to serve me)

Anyway thank you for the mention and the support. I am so looking forward to joining the two week thread tomorrow

Hoping you have had a lovely weekend and it is great to be in touch again xx
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Re: Our kids

Post by Nezzynoo » 18 Oct 2015 16:22

Sorry didnt mean to repeat myself :oops:

I am calling it affirmation in my mind!!
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Re: Our kids

Post by Shadowlad » 18 Oct 2015 22:13

Hi Nezzy :)

Really glad that you have your OH's support and that your daughter is 'coming round'. It helps our recovery when the atmosphere improves after the last dreaded drinking session.

I understand your unwanted thoughts. They are incredulous and unwanted. They are also quite usual in my experience, part of the insanity of this problem. Thoughts are all they are though, and it is a good idea to kick the unhelpful thoughts out as soon as they come in. At the end of the day, we really do have ownership of our action, and just for the day in hand, we can stop ourselves putting alcohol into our bodies. And you have taken this action for over a week ;)?

As Topcat says, don't worry about the chocolate either, at this stage chocolate is a saviour ! And it won't get you drunk where you cause harm to yourself and your loved ones ;)?

You are doing just fine Nezzy <:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

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Re: Our kids

Post by Nezzynoo » 19 Oct 2015 07:59

Ah it's so lovely to come on here and read such warm kind posts. It is great to be sharing this journey with you all.
I have talked to my oh about this site as primarily I am spending a lot of time on here but expressed to him how much it is helping. He is understanding and when I excitedly raced to my phone to post my arrival on the two week thread his smile lifted me and the tiredness that my body feels. I have been mentally working hard most days and it has left me tired tho reading others posts helps me believe that this feeling won't last forever.
I also checked in with my app which is reall helpful notifying of my hours of sobriety and now it is over 150 it looks such a nice number as days can drag sometimes and be a battle but watching that little hour counter clock up is encouragement.
Would love to get to know you guys more as feel you are the positives in my life that will deserve me to give a little back.
Today is quite busy, docs this morning with my daughter and have two teaching sessions. In between that I am meeting the girl who is wanton to spend time with ponies (in return for getting me back into arts and crafts) and it is day two of my ponys trick training, as the girl is a dancer we are going to work towards putting a routine together just for fun but I am so looking forward to doing. I made special carrot biscuits last night to help pony along lol.
Thank you thank you once again, I have been with be for a number of years and this time I do believe is my time. I am less anxious over the decision to move away from alcohol as have made the decision that from last Monday I can be a new person with a new life of happiness and freedom xx
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Re: Our kids

Post by Shadowlad » 20 Oct 2015 00:06

Nezzynoo wrote:I also checked in with my app which is reall helpful notifying of my hours of sobriety and now it is over 150 it looks such a nice number as days can drag sometimes and be a battle but watching that little hour counter clock up is encouragement.
What a good idea Nezzy ;)? It's good to take this hour by hour too because it makes it all more manageable.
Nezzynoo wrote: In between that I am meeting the girl who is wanton to spend time with ponies (in return for getting me back into arts and crafts)
Getting back into arts and crafts may prove therapeutic for you :) I incorporated arts into relaxation time, but just on a very simple level, such as colouring intricate patterns. It helped distract from cravings too.

Keep focused and positive ;)?

<:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

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Re: Our kids

Post by Nezzynoo » 20 Oct 2015 08:58

Hi shadow lad hope you are well x
Yes arts and crafts I find therapeutic but as mentioned it has always been easier to drink instead. I am planning a picture for friends who recently got engaged I missed their celebrations as ironically was trying to stay away from drink - but then slipped a day later x feel bad for not going so want to do this for them and as I have told them I am doing it I have to follow it through.
Love my little app it keeps me on track and when the cravings come I sign in and fill in the journal or support question page which helps analyse my feelings it's yes no answers with an option to write reasons for the answers.
Was shocked at my body/mind last night I didn't want to drink and it was almost as if I was to find reasons to drink...or maybe not! Going to bed early was good tho still struggling to get out of bed (but once I am up its fine) got a review for the Mesa on Friday and going to ask if maybe reducing a little is possible since I think the sedative is too strong now that I am being productive and getting exercise in during the day. Other than feeling groggy I think they suit me.
Any ways was only meant to be a quick check in as off to work today. The sun is shining and want to get back out there (not said that since getting home from Greece in August x
Have a great day too
Nezz
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Re: Our kids

Post by Shadowlad » 27 Nov 2015 07:45

Hi all <:)>

I figured today is a good day to share about how my past drinking has affected my son who is now 18.

Bright Eye is the safe place where we can come and be open and honest about drinking problems, whether we are still battling it, or have managed to get a period of abstinence. It has been my saviour, and for many others too.

Today i awake thinking of my boy again. A couple of days ago we had an emotional exchange, and once again i was brought back to reality about own behaviour, and mistakes as a mother. My boy is legally a young adult, but it is clear to me that he is still a boy who is hurt and angry at his mother. It is to be expected. He is very close to his dad, and now, nearly three years into my sobriety, his dad and i are divorcing.

The hardest thing to learn, as a recovered drinker, is that my memories of raising two children are different to their memories and perception of it. For a long time i thought that because i loved them so, and had only ever wanted a family, that it would be enough. I worked hard to give them the best of everything, whilst their dad took on role of 'house husband' from the day my son was born. This was after a redundancy. It seemed a good idea at the time.

Like most people here, my drink problem developed slowly, and a series of life events speeded it up along the way. Looking back, i can see that i took advantage of all my 'enablers'. The first being my husband, who always forgave whatever i did. The second being my 2 young children, who protected mummy no matter what, and the third being my employers. It took them 8 years of 'supporting me under a protocol' before they finally had to fire me.

I mistakenly believed that because the children had a reliable dad at home that it wouldn't harm them when having the 'odd' drink now and then. Trouble is, the drink became a friend, who in reality was the devil in disguise.

After the emotional exchange with my son, i sat and poured through the childhood photo book that he and his sister had specially made last mother's day. The beautiful, smiling little boy in the pictures took me back to his weekend visits to the rehab. As a sweet 10 year old he would sit all through the visit with his arm protectively around my shoulder, and then nag his dad to call at Mc'Donalds on the way home. I often wonder if i had broken the cycle of relapse back then, on leaving rehab, would my son be ok now ? I missed him so much in that place that i cried every night for the first few weeks and sent him loving letters telling him what a brave boy he was. I wonder how often my sweet little boy cried for me ? I was separated from the poor little thing for 6 whole months. And yet on returning home the pattern went on for him for the next 5 years. The regret is immense, but then i realize that the past cannot be changed. It is now that i can make a difference.

So when we ask ourselves "How much does our drinking affect our children ?" the answers will vary, depending on the child and circumstances. Both my children have responded differently. I only hope time will help my son.

Nicky <:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

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Re: Our kids

Post by Topcat » 27 Nov 2015 08:06

A very honest and extremely brave post Nicky. I do hope, in time, things between your son and yourself will improve. The love you both have for each other shines through <:)>

I don't have children, and my mother spoke to me very rarely about my drinking. I knew it hurt her, but we both preferred to brush it under the carpet (foolishly hoping it would all go away I guess). One thing mum did say (and which stuck in my mind) was that she loved me very much, but when I drank she really didn't "like" me at all. I think that can be said for all family/friends of problem drinkers. They may stick by us and continue to love/support us, but they really have a terrible job understanding why it is that alcohol comes first in our lives (not them).

It's tough for them and they need time to adjust to our sobriety (perhaps even more than we do). Deep down they are probably thrilled that we have obtained sobriety, but there must always be a nagging fear that we will relapse. Keeping their distance is a survival mechanism <:)>
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Re: Our kids

Post by pickles » 27 Nov 2015 09:22

I,m not sure how much my drinkng affected my daughter, but I do know that from old photos there is a sadness in her, or/ and confused . One photo I keep near me is from a few years ago, at a barbecue . I,m giving her a piggy back and she is looking in deep thought with her arms close round me , almost like she doesn't want to let go . Not long after the photo was taken I went into rehab . I was 'lucky' that she could come and visit me for up to an hour sometimes, not every day . Most of the time it was for a few minutes as of her concentration . My worst moment ,one day, was sending her home in a taxi and a little hand with a 'teddy' dog waving out of the window .

She would ask when was I coming home , in rehab it was not so easy for visits, they were more strict there and OH wasn't always in a hurry to come and see me . I would try to catch up on things after I left rehab, meaning by taking her to the park , catching up on games , cooking, guilt catch up . Once I thought I had caught up enough ,I thought I could go back to reward drinking . That went very quickly out of the window . So I knew I had to really stop, and stay stopped ( as much as possible )

She is going through her changes at the moment, it's young but I have had a snappy reminder from her a couple of times about my drinking, when I have had to be stern with her ( which is difficult ) . It won't be forgotten and underneath I think she is scared that I may return to drinkng one day . Children don't forget, there are a lot of things I haven't forgotten from childhood .

I did rely on OH for a lot of things , although he does say I,m better on dealing with daughter's changes and ideas than he would be . He has some good ideas too . There are times when he can remind me also of what happened ,but I try to put that aside and think he only says that as of the other things going on at the moment . Those close to us don't always mean what they say , if it's to hurt us ,they do/ sometimes regret it .

I do hope with your son, Nicky , that he just needs some space and that in time he will talk with you about things <:)> and he will visit you . I do hope his father is and won't change his mind ,meaning turn your son against you . I hope the divorce can go through as smoothly as possible ,it can be possible , from what I have heard from friends.

It was naive of me to think that sobriety can be easy . It's definitely not but it does make us stronger and aware .
' Normal ' is just a setting on the washing machine .

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Re: Our kids

Post by Shadowlad » 27 Nov 2015 09:48

Topcat and Pickles <:)> You are both so good <:)>
Pickles40 wrote:. My worst moment ,one day, was sending her home in a taxi and a little hand with a 'teddy' dog waving out of the window .
Oh how i am nodding and filling up at this Pickles. Writing the above post reminded me that by being in rehab we were trying to overcome our drink problem, and we should remember that. There were so many times i had my bag packed to leave, and the thought of my promise to Sarah to stick it out kept me there. She was 16 at the time. They made me do bloody line dancing in there ! What sort of rehabilitation is that ! The last thing i wanted to do was dance, and refused for a while. "Trust the process ", they said. So after 2 strikes ( 3 strikes and you are out) i thought i better stop sulking and conform.

Big hugs for your lovely daughter Pickles. You are doing a great job with her. Regarding my son all i can do is give him time and space, and love him from a distance for the time being.
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

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Re: Our kids

Post by pickles » 27 Nov 2015 10:11

Shadowlad wrote: They made me do bloody line dancing in there ! .
I wonder if that was for our social skills :? , we had to play musical statues and tag a couple of times . I thought musical statues was difficult ,as I couldn't keep still from all the trembling .

i remember being taught how to iron and fold . I felt rather insulted at the time ,but learnt that it was how to cope with things . Two things were better after that ,ironing , and playing the two above games with daughter :) .

<:)> for you also .
' Normal ' is just a setting on the washing machine .

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Re: Our kids

Post by Shadowlad » 27 Nov 2015 10:16

Yes, i have valued a good routine since then, but dislike line dancing now, ;)

<:)> <:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

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Re: Our kids

Post by faith2be » 27 Nov 2015 12:19

Oh boy, I just read your brave posts, pickles and Shadow <:)> <:)>
I could say quite a lot here too, but I also got tears in my eyes as I read this, the poignant moments, the looks of confusion etc.
I have never been to rehab, but I live alone in an isolated place, and I have done some terribly dangerous things, and put both me and my kids at risk. They have some memories I wish they didn't. They are fiercely loyal to me, and they don't like talking with me about drinking, because they don't like to tell me what they really think - but I remember the two of them having to deal with certain circumstances, and it not being very good at all. It must have been very scary for them.

I would like to write my story regarding kids down sometime, but for now I'd just like to thank both of you for sharing yours. It's the same for me, a combination of circumstances led to poor choices, but at the time they seemed the only choices.

I hope your son will come round to you again soon. It mist be confusing for him re the divorce (and I'm sorry for your pain there too - it can't be an easy decision either). Pickles, I'm not sure I understood all what you meant with those around us sometimes hurting us and not meaning what they say, but if I understand correct, it's like I have it, where my OH has screamed terrible things at me due to my drinking, and humiliated me in public about it - but yet yesterday phones me up and says - you know I love you and am proud of you, don't you? Well, frankly I don't. What's what he means - the "f*ing alcoholic" rants or the "I'm proud of you" statements? Is that sort of what you mean, pickles?

lots of <:)> 's anyway
Definition of recovery:
1) "a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength"
2) "the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost"

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