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*me again-updated*Need some advice re: my husbands drinking!

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
mrsbutler
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Re: *me again-updated*Need some advice re: my husbands drink

Post by mrsbutler » 25 Sep 2011 23:21

Thankyou for your replies and nice to meet you rachel, im really new on here too but we do have similar situations.

Sorry for late reply, i do appreciate all your advice as i dont have anywhere else to turn to about this, been working weird shifts this week again so not been able to reply beforehand.

Hes been out drinking yesterday (as opposed to coming to the space centre with me and ryan) and today (i was working)... he is saying hes drunk less than he has. I didnt think he would lie about it... i dont even ask about it but he purposeley lied how many he had, and i went to his work to meet him last night and there were a couple guys at the end of the bar talking to themselves about how does he do it working a full night shift after being on the piss all day.. i was like no he just had 1 and they confirmed otherwise. How embarrasing that i cant even stick up for him as hes not telling me the truth, and why lie about it anyway unless you know its wrong.

Argh, head bang situation. I wonder if he had a job outside of the pub trade he would be 'safer', but theres just no jobs anywhere are there :(

Sorry for ramble, im tired after a strange shift on my part. Hello all anyhow :) x and im going to ring al anon tomorrow.x

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Re: *me again-updated*Need some advice re: my husbands drink

Post by mrsbutler » 08 Oct 2011 00:03

Just me again (I think this is working out to be my alcohol moan-blog).

Ryan has been at school since the beginning of September and with me working days and OH working nights, he suddenly has a lot of time off before work.
Today just really bugged me. We pay for a childminder on a Friday because alternate Fridays OH works the daytime and we need her to collect from school. The other alternate was supposed to be for OH to have a break. Well he has had a break all week, every day, for the past few weeks. Today hes working the night, and so had the day off. He rejected my call at lunchtime and I was in town and found him walking with his mate, so I went and said hello and yes he'd been drinking. And I asked if he planned to meet me to pick up Ryan together and he said no, he's got work in the night time and the extra walk was unnecessary. I said if he'd rather have a sleep he could just say so, but no it's to do with the extra 20mins of walking (even though he had a bus daysaver). So I texted after work (4pm) to ask if Ryan had a coat with him as it was raining, and no reply. He was asleep in bed with no plans of getting up. It felt today truly as if he is putting himself and his drinking before his family.. you'd think he'd want to make an effort to see us.
Came home with Ryan by ourselves and we went up the shop to fetch bread. Came back, and he'd risen.. 15mins before having to leave for work, and though he said he'd done his teeth he still stank of booze. I hope his boss told him off.
He's having a blood test on Monday at the doctors to check his blood for vitamins etc, with regards to hair loss. I'm tempted to encourage the sunday night drinking (he'll be drinking anyway as he's working) so maybe they'll pick up alcohol in his system in his blood test?

I know we're only just married but I already feel fed up of it. Fed up of the snidy comments that stem from his god complex ego, and the snipes at Ryan. I feel like we are an inconvenience :(

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Boris Bike
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Re: *me again-updated*Need some advice re: my husbands drink

Post by Boris Bike » 08 Oct 2011 20:54

Mrs B, your description of the day where you wanted to buy chocolates and go to the library sounded very much what things would have been like if you'd gone with me not very long ago.

Basically, anything I had to do outside of the house was punctuated by nipping in and out of pubs. And if it was something I really hated, like shopping for clothes, I would get tanked up first and try and get everything rapidly so I could feel the relief of being back in the pub again ASAP. Sometimes this meant that I never got any clothes at all because I'd take a cursory glance at stuff on offer and feel sort of exhausted by the whole thing and just give up very, very quickly.

Winker I don't feel your post was harsh at all. The question is how to raise the subject with Mr B. When we're trying to influence someone's behaviour there's so many possibilities and different people respond to different approaches. I know that if someone tried any number of ways of telling me "we're supposed to be shopping, not drinking" I would have brushed it off. I may not have said anything back at all. But inside I would have been thinking "you don't understand". I would have just whinged, looked hurt, pleaded, anything to ensure that the drinking got done along with the shopping. But the shopping would remain a dreadful chore and the drinking would seem like the thing that made it all bearable.

All I can think of to suggest is that if you choose a strategy then stick to it for a while. If it is clear it isn't working, then change it. Treat it like a learning process. Maybe even go so far as to keep notes on it all so you can review them. I'm sort of wary of this advice, though. A valid criticism of it would be "I see, so because of his problem I am now expected to go to all this effort? Why am I to suffer and do all this when it's him?"

And I don't really have an answer for that entirely justified response.

mrsbutler
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Re: *me again-updated*Need some advice re: my husbands drink

Post by mrsbutler » 08 Oct 2011 23:53

Thankyou for your replies and no, not too harsh, its fine and i appreciate the honesty, i dont have anywhere else to go about this all.

I have tried speaking to him about it, but he either justifies it as his only treat when he works a lot of shifts and doesnt have time for a different hobby (although has started on cycling sometimes in the mornings, followed by a drink afterwards to 'relax' and as a 'treat'). Im at work when he does this so i cant do much about it. If i do say something and hes either tired, in work-mode, or had a drink already, he tends to say im selfish and slams a few things :( im used to abusive previous relationships, so i tend to give up on those moments, its bettter to not discuss than to feel threatened at those times :(

I dont really have any family around, my mum has her own issues as my stepdad is disabled and they struggle to find carers, and theyre an hour n a half away anyway. His family are closer and i went for lunch with his mum last week and raised it... she said his brother in law was similar and spoke to his sister like crap and ignored his family, but when he sold his pool club he changed. OH's mum largely blames the pub culture, working 6 days a week in a 'old mans' pub, you know, where all day drinking is the norm and seen as acceptable. Ive tried finding him another job, but theres nothing out there to move to :(

We went out tonight after he finished work (was meant to be a couple and then home for steak), it ended up that we just got home about 1130pm and he counted he'd had 8 pints (we bumped into a couple of his regulars). Id had half a cider and 2 wkd's cos the 2 guys were buying rounds. Then i went onto appletiser and cokes and after 4 he obviously got the hint.

I know im a bit of a wimp, ive been ground down from past experiences and have only recently got some confidence back, only for it to be knocked back simultaneously. Im a bit of a plotter and like to scheme out a strategy before jumping in and meddling. I know something has to be done, but i just dont know where to draw the line waiting for him to cut back on the drink. He can be very nice at times but has bad moments when tired/drunk and i guess its best to avoid those situations best i can. I wish there was something i could do without risking an aggressive response but i just dont know what im supposed to do. I dont have any friends or anything around here other than his mum who is equally in denial really, so its not as if me and ryan could move out for a couple of days :(

Thankyou again for your responses.x

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Re: *me again-updated*Need some advice re: my husbands drink

Post by mrsbutler » 09 Oct 2011 20:32

Hiya again, I spoke to him this morning and explained how I'd been feeling about it all and I think he was shocked that at one point I had considered cancelling the wedding. He's been making an effort to be nice today, but I did say that just being nice to make me feel better isn't gonna work. I hope he's taken some of it on board.. he had a long shower, which is his usual time to think, and then went and fixed the bikes so we could go for a bike ride Tues or Weds, so he took it on board that I wanted him/us to find a better hobby.

We don't have any family around here that could look after Ryan, but OH only really has him in the mornings before school 8-9am, and then the afternoons that I work until 3, he picks him up from school and I get back for 330. So he has him a lot less than he used to, and Friday's he goes to a childminder after school anyway regardless of whether OH is working the daytime or not (hence I was annoyed he didn't even come and pick him up with me Friday when he'd had the whole day off).

I know we probably shouldn't have gone out last night. Even if we had gone home instead of drinking out, he would still have had 6 cans or so, so it really made no difference if we were home or out as he would have had drinks anyway. I don't have any friends here, and with having Ryan, only get a chance to go out every other Saturday night with OH, or Sunday night down at OH's pub while he does beerline cleaning, so I think I was just desperate for some adult company outside the house and a chance to wear something nice.

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Boris Bike
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Re: *me again-updated*Need some advice re: my husbands drink

Post by Boris Bike » 09 Oct 2011 22:05

I tread very lightly here, because I don't want to over-egg things as I sit here very remote, sitting at my own computer with only a little to go on. So I'll just make a couple of observations and, if they're not appropriate then totally ignore them. If I've got it all wrong, then I do apologise.

But I feel it's a very bad sign indeed that sometimes you are going silent out of fear. I can't quite make out whether that is totally because of previous relationships you've been in or whether some of that fear is based on the current relationship. But it's something I feel you ought to explore and deal with somehow. The fact that you've spoken to him today and seem to have got something positive out of it is very good, though, so I hope I'm just being overly cautious or concerned.

Damn... I have to dash because there's a film I really want to see and I think it's going to demand my attention to get the most out of it... I've made my main point and I'm struggling to recall the other one. But basically, I feel that the relationship will always be tainted if there is fear.

mrsbutler
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Re: *me again-updated*Need some advice re: my husbands drink

Post by mrsbutler » 09 Oct 2011 22:53

No you're right Boris, I shouldn't have to adapt my behaviour around a possible outburst, and it is something I've learned to do in past relationships, know when to keep quiet. I think it's about staying safe though - like today I didn't have to risk that outburst because I timed it right when I spoke to him. I know it's wrong, but it's the alcohol that makes him that way, so I've had to 'risk assess' so to speak when is a good time to raise the issue and I can't surely be the only one who's had to juggle their words bringing up the subject.x

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Re: *me again-updated*Need some advice re: my husbands drink

Post by mrsbutler » 09 Oct 2011 22:56

What's so annoying is that I've done counselling, domestic violence, sexual abuse training... and still ended up in a power/control relationship :| dammit lol. But I guess thats why I can be so clinical about things sometimes, as if I am counselling/advising somebody else but actually it's me.

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Re: *me again-updated*Need some advice re: my husbands drink

Post by October » 10 Oct 2011 22:44

Hi Mrs B

I think a friend like Winker is a friend indeed - not afraid to tell the truth even when it is unpalatable. I agree with 100%. I married a drinker 10 years ago. He has been good to me and my children financially but I would honestly say that if I had the hindsight i would not have married him. He can be aggressive and nasty when drunk (which is nearly every night - maybe once or twice in the last 6 months he has had a sober night). Even though he is seldom vicious these days I 'behave' when he is drunk because frankly the threat of another horrible evening is enough for me NEVER to say anything remotely provocative. Of course when someone is drunk they can misunderstand.

I am also bored stiff of having the same conversation again and again and again and having to deal with him not remembering decisions and arrangements we have made.

Why didn't I leave? - well we lost so much money in 2008 that I have no assets left - sold my house, cashed in all the savings etc and it is not so bad that I can't cope.

BUT every day is stressful in the extreme because I cannot predict what the evening will be like. I get defensive which makes it worse. I have had so many serious talks about his relationship with wine that I have given up. He simply doesn't get it. Sometimes during the booze soaked "why do you hate me, why don't you love me" conversations or the ones in a similar vein in the morning I want to ask him why he thinks that living with a man who is incoherent, boring, who snores every night, who stinks of stale booze, etc etc etc hasn't got anything to do with it.

Why don't I leave now? Money still an issue but getting much better - I now have a good job and earn decent money. But he had pancreatic cancer earlier this year and as they say, not a good one. So I am staying and gritting my teeth and holding my tongue.

Mrs B - that i think might be a bit of a glimpse into your future - God knows I hope I am wrong.
Fake it till you make it!

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DoingBetter
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Re: *me again-updated*Need some advice re: my husbands drink

Post by DoingBetter » 12 Oct 2011 08:45

Hi, I'm in a similar situation with my drinking husband. Its been very bad this week, he's gone through 4 cases of beer in a week). Basically 1 case every two days. Plus a bunch of wine from a cask in the back of the fridge.

What are people's feelings about the non-drinking or less-drinking spouse? When he asks me to go to the pub for a couple (and it really is only a couple there, most of the drink is at home), should I turn him down? If I do we spend very little time together.

Am I enabling my husband by having my two drinks and then leaving it for the night? I added up the total of piss-drinking for this month and it came to over $1200!!!!! This is for a family with 4 teens to raise. We totally cannot afford this. Besides all of the other anti-social behaviour that comes out when he drinks.

He begrudges the children a $3.50 bottle of soft drink because "they'll just drink it". Unlike his booze I guess,sigh.
Last edited by DoingBetter on 13 Oct 2011 10:43, edited 1 time in total.

mrsbutler
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Re: *me again-updated*Need some advice re: my husbands drink

Post by mrsbutler » 12 Oct 2011 22:50

DoingBetter wrote:What are people's feelings about the non-drinking or less-drinking spouse? When he asks me to go to the pub for a couple (and it really is only a couple there, most of the drink is at home), should I turn him down? If I do we spend very little time together.

Am I enabling my husband by having my two drinks and then leaving it for the night?
See this is what I can't figure out - should I be going teetotal, and not going out on the one fortnightly Saturday we have a night together because I am enabling him..? If we stayed home he would still drink.. Somebody earlier up my thread mentioned Al Anon, and I would love to go to learn about how not to enable but I can't get to the meeting without him knowing, due to lack of transport so I use buses, and with having Ryan at home and no real babysitters.
DoingBetter wrote: He begrudges the children a $3.50 bottle of soft drink because "they'll just drink it". Unlike his booze I guess,sigh.
My OH is the biggest skinflint ever.. like I really have to justify what we spend on things, but if strongbow isn't on offer he'll still have it because it's obviously superior. *rolls eyes*. even though he'd drink anything really.

Thankyou winker and october for your messages also, I do appreciate everybody's replies and am really sorry if I'm frustrating anybody the way I'm going about things.x

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