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I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
Gobsmacked
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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by Gobsmacked » 15 Sep 2011 17:37

newhorizons wrote: If anyone has any experiences or help to offer, I'd be grateful. I feel very alone.
I don't know if I can compare my experience to yours but my relationship was under tremendous stress because of my drinking at one point. My wife didn't understand it either and kept hammering on the message "you have to stop".... Anyone here can tell you that there is a world of difference between *knowing* you should stop and stopping.... unfortunately partners who don't drink sometimes don't make the link.

Your man doesn't appear to understand it and neither did my wife at first.

For me, the big change in my relationship started when I told her (during an emotional confrontation) "I can't".....(which was closely followed by "I need help"). Only then did the coin fall with her. In my case she was quick on the uptake because she's a counselor who spent years working with homeless hard-drugs addicts (which you would think would have helped but actually only made her more spastic about my growing addiction... counselors are people too, evidently). As long as I kept denying it, I guess she could too.... but when I threw the towel in the ring and admitted that I couldn't control it then the changes started to happen.... and they happened fast.

Fast forward a bit and I'm not the uber-cool Indiana Jones I was in my youth but I don't feel like such a loser anymore..... a few days ago my wife, children and a close family friend took a moment during the evening meal and literally cheered and applauded that I had reached a new milestone in recovery. My daughter started to cry and so did I.

That moment was significant to me because where a year ago I wouldn't even admit it... let alone talk about it.... A year later... because I opened my arms and said, "I need help", I have a group of people around me who are as determined to drag me out of my early grave as I am.... and I have to say... moving mountains is easier if you have help.

-G-

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Boris Bike
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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by Boris Bike » 15 Sep 2011 22:36

Great post, Gobsmacked. I'm pleased for you :)

newhorizons
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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by newhorizons » 16 Sep 2011 08:07

I agree Boris! Very honest post and you have obviously been very honest with yourself, your wife and your family. Well done you, it is the hardest thing to do isn't it!
Things can only get better for you from here... I have a way to go with my 'head in the sand', 'let's not keep going on about your not drinking' husband.
Oh well, I'm surely doing this for myself, no-one else, and the benefits after only 26 days are clear to see (for some). Am so grateful to have a bestest friend who supports me 110%, I couldnt do this without her.

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KraftyKat
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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by KraftyKat » 16 Sep 2011 08:53

A good positive start to the end of the week and the beginning of the weekend ;)?
So pleased for you Gobsmacked! Newhorizons - so glad you have a good friend to support you in all this xx KK
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
Nancy Astor

newhorizons
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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by newhorizons » 18 Sep 2011 11:23

so..... nearly at the end of week 4, doing ok, was very shaky last night on a relatively low key event. Went out for early supper at the local Harvester, been there many times, always with OH or OH and family, so its a place of conflict in some ways as I would always be a bit anxious of how to get away with being able to drink enough (you all know that feeling am sure), trying to s lip a glass or two in before going out, then butting in when OH ordered the drinks at the bar with 'large glass' please when asked if wanting small or large (the word small didnt exist to me...). Then sitting down at the table (glass would be empty by this stage) and looking out for the waitress to order another (large) glass. That would be all I was allowed to drink on these nights, so would have to slip another glass or two somehow when I got home...
Anyhow, I digress, but some background as to why I was feeling edgy about going there sober last night. I just didnt know what to order and found it quite hard to say J20 & soda (but say it I did), I felt very strong cravings and was quite stressed, but calmed down a bit eventually. This was all made a bit harder by deciding it was time me and him had another little chat about how I was doing (always my instigation), and I tried not to be too heavy, but just said that I really did need a little bit of TLC and extra support at the mo, it was a big deal for me, this no drinking lark, but that I was so glad I was doing it and felt so much better. I told him I had probably caught my drinking in the early stages of addiction (but that makes it damn hard to deal with).... and felt lucky that I am able to tackle it. Long may that continue.
However, our impending holiday is still worrying me as he will keep saying that I should be able to have a glass of wine in the evenings, he wont let me drink anymore than that as we will be together all the time, but I'm so scared that it will open the floodgates again and that when I get home I'll be sliding down the slippery slope again. I did tell him that I was scared of this, but he just looked flummoxed and didnt understand my logic (he wouldnt do would he, he's not an addict in any way).

So guys... what should I do? Take a chance, have a few drinks on holiday to keep him happy, keep him company and not be a party pooper, or totally look after me and be anti social? I'm very confused and worried about this, which is a shame, as I think I could cope on holiday if he were 100% behind me.
Confused.com

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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by mkj » 18 Sep 2011 12:06

NH,
The way i see things is how others deal with our not drinking is their problem not ours.... if you want to drink do it because you want to drink, if you are accepting youre problem then maybe you wont want to. Alcohol addiction is only something we can control if we dont drink, if we could do different we wouldnt be problem drinkers methinks.
You take care

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Boris Bike
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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by Boris Bike » 18 Sep 2011 15:09

It's a dilemma, NH that's for sure.

My take on it is that you should do what you feel is the best thing for you, which sounds like not drinking. As you say, your OH doesn't seem to quite get it so it seems reasonable to me that you should trust what your own judgement is over and above his. As for being a party pooper, you can just try to commit to not being one! I don't mean to be all fake laughter and giggles but just be determined not to introduce heavy topics of conversation if your OH has had some wine and is being breezy about things.

newhorizons
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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by newhorizons » 18 Sep 2011 17:33

Hi Jo,
Thanks for your support, yes my OH is a Sky Sports Man (I'm sure it's not helped our marriage), he watches cricket ALL THE TIME ... hey perhaps he could identify with the addiction thing on that level, I'll kidnap the remote control... I seriously don't think he'd cope, which is a bit like I felt when I thought about giving up drinking...!). Yes, his eyes sort of glaze over and he shifts his gaze elsewhere, thinking I'm sure 'not this again, she's told me all this...'It would be so helpful if he could be bothered to read up a bit on addiction (I have copied and pasted the bit you put on about it), it would surely help him understand just a smidgeon of what it is like.

Well done you for 5 weeks, with kids as well, it's hard living with unobservant men isn't it..... My daughter has two small boys and a glass of wine is her salvation at the end of the day. I have told her to keep tabs on that and not to follow in my footsteps, it does worry me.

I go away on 8th Oct by which time I will have been dry for 7 weeks, still very early days and not the time methinks to be dabbling with my very old friend, red wine. I feel pretty sure it will instantly rekindle my relationship with it and reawaken all the old thought processes and associations that i've fought so hard to recover from. It would be insanity to just drink to keep him happy, it's not as if drinking really bothers him anyway. He could survive the week perfectly well without drinking, expcept for the odd shandy (that doesnt bother me if he drinks that, it wasn't ever my tipple).

Ho hum, I'll let ya know how I get on with a little bit of gentle education (but will have to time it round cricket on Sky, got no hope otherwise...)

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Boris Bike
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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by Boris Bike » 18 Sep 2011 18:24

Must be frustrating for you NH. I used to be on a forum for people with depression and someone there found a really good book to give to family or partners that described the illlness. It was very short and simple but well-written. I'd be surprised if there isn't a similar book for alcoholism... might be worth having a good rummage around Amazon and see if you can find anything.

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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by Chris_m » 20 Sep 2011 13:37

My wife is truly wonderful, but she seems to dismiss my drink problem. I've tried to tell her a few times, but she just says my drinking is no where near as bad as some of my friends. This morning after yet another drink meltdown she just told me I need to control my drinking and I shouldn't quit.

newhorizons
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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by newhorizons » 20 Sep 2011 14:36

It's difficult Chris isn't it when our other halves just don't quite get it, wonderful though they are in other ways. I don't know about you, but I never found it easy to cut down, the way some people can't just have one chocolate or biscuit without finishing the bar or pack. Once I've had a glass, then two or more I just lose any self control. My husband has said for me for years that I should just cut back/cut down/say no..... oh that it were that easy.
If your drinking is troubling you, then the chances are you have a problem or else you wouldnt be concerned.
Have you had a look at the Drinkaware website? It has a really handy unit counter and tracking tool and can help you identify what to do about your current level of drinking.
Good luck, J.

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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by Chris_m » 20 Sep 2011 18:55

Thanks NH. You are spot on about lacking an off switch. If I start drinking, I'll drink to get smashed. Like on Sunday, all week I said I would limit myself to 6 drinks max. By 3pm Id already had 7 pints and I ended up staying out till 9pm before rolling home with more cans.

My guilt the next day saw more crack open the cans again (at 6.30 am) and carried on drinking till 6pm at night when I passed out. Today I've sat down and tried to work out what I've drank since Friday and I was generally shocked! 32 cans, 7 bottles of beer, 16 pints, two gin and tonics and finally one bottle of cider! Ashamed is not the word :oops:. Plus I still don't understand why I do it?!

I know I need to change and I know only I can do it, but I still feel I need my wife to understand how I feel. Sitting in the house drinking alone in order to stop the shakes is no way to carry on.

newhorizons
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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by newhorizons » 20 Sep 2011 22:06

Hi Chris,
You have made the first big step by admitting you can't go on like this and wanting to do something about it. While only you can do something about it ultimately, there is help out there in the early stages... whether it is your doctor, AA or this forum. Maybe medication to help with early withdrawal could help.

The reason why you drink like this is the illness of addiction. It has us in a vice like grip until we grab hold of it and take control.
I'm still early days to offer much in the way of tried and tested formulas, but I found that reading as much as possible before I gave up about the continual harm I was doing to my body and life gave me the incentive and push to try and cut down. I did this for four weeks and then gave up completely.

No-ones saying it's easy, but everyone on here wants everyone to succeed.
Wish you all the best,
J.

newhorizons
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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by newhorizons » 21 Sep 2011 08:27

Yay! One month today...
Said to him indoors last night ...'one month tomorrow' and he looked blankly at me and said 'what?'
Nearly hit him, but just sighed and looked at him sternly and after 10 seconds he said 'oh, what, the no drinking thing'.
Means so much to have his support, huh!!??

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CJ
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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by CJ » 21 Sep 2011 08:35

ONE MONTH TODAY! CONGRATULATIONS NEW HORIZONS!

well, Keep posting on this site, here you have people that understand and " get it"!
My husband will insist on asking how" the drinking" is going...erm, no dear, it's the not drinking!
"My urge is never to have just a glass even if the EAF pretends it is, my urge is to get wasted. When I am getting urges like that it is impossible for me to kid myself that I no longer have a problem." Pineapple

newhorizons
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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by newhorizons » 21 Sep 2011 17:49

Thanks Cal!! x

joanneholdbrook

Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by joanneholdbrook » 06 Oct 2011 17:32

hey nh just caught up on this here well it seems to me that in my case my oh thinks my drinking is because of him when i said how can you turn this around about yoursekf he just shrugged he is of no real support infact he thinks me going to meetings are a total waste of time as he says in the end you will go back to drinking a leopard never changes its spots ummmm i think to bloody right they dont or you wouldnt be so insensitive to someone who is fighting on a daily basis..

you carry on the good work nh and do what makes you happy for yourself..............xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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linda6666
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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by linda6666 » 06 Oct 2011 21:26

Joanne i seem to be stalking you, but im not honest.. But the attitude of partners/OH's go's a long way to make or break a person and a small part of me can understand why they feel this way, but by feeding negative thoughts only makes somebody already low that bit lower.
Now in life we all have good and bad and partners see these "warts and all".
My own ex had a canny way of twisting things until things that started off he's fault,always ended up my fault and he ground me so low down i lost all faith i had in myself, and yes the drink was not helping this, but now i can look in and see the clear picture, it was in fact that i could see the argument before it happened,by seeing this i choose to drink to chill out, then because i had drank he would kick off till it was a game of swings and round-abouts, i drank to cope with him/he could not cope with me when i drank (bit like the pot calling the kettle black really, he was a bigger drinker than me).
Was he scared of the competition/did he not like the fact i would not be walked on or dictated to? One will never know now. But he always said "You will never give up drinking" the old " A leopard never changes its spots" and i will agree with the latter because in fact leopards do not change their spots, but we are not leopards/or cats/or female dogs, we are human.
And being human means we do have weakness and often get overtook by addiction of some kind, but also we have the strength to rid ourselves of these addictions also..
So maybe next time when the love of your life "ALL OF YOU" are saying these cruel/hurtful things just to get that reaction they want and expect from you, just casually say NO DARLING YOUR RIGHT,A LEOPARD WONT CHANGE ITS SPOTS" But since when did you marry this leopard?? Cuz this Gal is going to change and not for you but for herself...
Not the reaction he will expect but a reaction all the same ;)? ;)? ;)?
I Have a Guardian Angel in heaven... I call him DADDY BEAR. I AM NOW 9 YEARS DRY AND LOVING IT,SO PROUD OF ME ;-)
We are all given a 2nd chance every day, it's just we don't usually take them . I TOOK MINE

joanneholdbrook

Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by joanneholdbrook » 06 Oct 2011 22:35

lol linda you bang right there iv not really said anything to much yet i just went to my meeting and that in it self spoke volumes and skipped back in the door all happy and said i am doing more meetings now he just went to bed you see i no his weak point he hates being alone all evening where as i dont mind so its more meetings for me linda and its good to be feeling so positive xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx \:)/ \:)/ \:)/

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linda6666
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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by linda6666 » 07 Oct 2011 14:46

I Think all fellas need shooting with SHIT i really do.. My ex is proper doing my head in just now, hes a waste of good polluted air :lol: :lol:
And if i could get away with murder i would start with this man :lol: :lol: ;)?
End of rant...... ()o
I Have a Guardian Angel in heaven... I call him DADDY BEAR. I AM NOW 9 YEARS DRY AND LOVING IT,SO PROUD OF ME ;-)
We are all given a 2nd chance every day, it's just we don't usually take them . I TOOK MINE

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