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I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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Joined: 02 Jun 2010 17:47
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Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction...

Post by CJ » 25 Oct 2011 15:05

Mr Jsch,
I have gone through weeks/months of presuming my husband would be only too glad if I started drinking again, albeit "controlled drinking" - hence showing how hard it is for him to understand. After some serious talking last week, he has totally surprised me: He is glad I have stopped drinking as he has seen such a big improvement in me. He has no wish for me to start again, although he admits he misses our togetherness when drinking. I often felt guitly for not drinking with him, because I thought I was making him miss out. What I am trying to say, is you never really know until you talk about it properly. You say your partner knows only the tip of the iceberg; what is stopping you from being honest with him?
Seems like you have got into a bit of a vicious cycle, booze at work, booze at home, a partner who doesn't realise. Perhaps try and be a bit more honest with him, maybe he could offer proper support, more than a platitude.
Sounds a bit preachy, sorry. this is not an easy situation for you
"My urge is never to have just a glass even if the EAF pretends it is, my urge is to get wasted. When I am getting urges like that it is impossible for me to kid myself that I no longer have a problem." Pineapple


Re: I cant really talk to my husband about my addiction ...

Post by Grendelslip » 25 Oct 2011 23:59

I said in my previous post (24 October) that there is nothing you can do to make an alcohlic reform. On reflection, this is being a bit too black-and-white. It may be possible to provide small nudges to prompt them to face up to their addiction. But it has to be done in a subtle manner. You have to to nudge them into thinking about their situation, but be very careful - do not be confrontational..This will only lead to resentment/arguments and push them into drinking more to escape.

Let me give you a specific example. This really happened, just after I'd finished the previous post. Talk about coincidence! Sorry, it has to be a bit long-winded but I have to reproduce conversations to get my point across.

I've already said that my wife is drinking heavily most evenings, but does not yet accept that she has a problem. On the other hand, I am abstaining from alcohol and can clearly recall events from the day before.

Last night she (sober) was watching a recorded episode of the Chris Moyles Quiz Show. I don't watch such shows by choice, but as I was sitting in the same room with my laptop, I couldn't help but absorb some of what was on the TV. She also knows that it is extremely unlikely that the programme would be played unless she was watching it.

I asked her why she was watching it again as she watched it the night before [when she had been drinking]. "No I didn't" she said. "Well, I'm sure I saw this last night". "No, I recorded this a few weeks ago".

"That's funny, because I know what's going to happen next", I said, then gave her a few examples. I didn't confront her, but simply said to the room in general things like "Oh, the next round has Robbie Williams miming". When that happened, I said nothing. A few minutes later, "Oh, this is the bit where...."., again addressed to nobody in particular, so I'm not confronting her directly.

I left it at that. I could tell that a small doubt had arisen in her mind. Then she said "Perhaps you're right, I must have fallen asleep". [Fallen asleep, not had a black-out i.e. loss of memory. A bit of denial, perhaps?"]

During the first screening, I had gone into the kitchen to make a cuppa and, on returning, asked what was going on in the current round of the quiz. She told me. When we got to the appropriate point second time around I said 'Isn't this the bit where I came in with the tea and asked you what was going on?" "No". "Oh", I said, and left it at that.

Note that I asked a question "Isn't this the bit...", instead making a statement "This is the bit....". It's less confrontational as it suggests I am not 100% certain. If it looks like an argument is about to start, it gives me the opportunity to retreat by saying, "Oh, well I must be mistaken".

Now, I'm no psychologist but have spent years trying to manipulate people in business meetings [I'm not a nasty person - that's how these meetings work]. So I used this experience with the aim of setting up a little doubt in my wife's mind. Perhaps she didn't recall the previous night properly? Perhaps something is wrong?

I don't know if this will have any positive effect, but my hope is that by implanting a seed of doubt in my wife's mind, I may have nudged her towards questioning her relationship with alcohol. I am on the look-out for future opportunities. I certainly can't see that I'm doing any harm because I've managed to avoid confrontation.

Yes, it is manipulative. Some might say it's controlling. But don't we all do a bit of that now and again in our relationships?

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