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My wife's drinking...

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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andypandy85
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My wife's drinking...

Post by andypandy85 » 19 Sep 2011 19:31

Hi guys...bit of a strange one, especially for me, as I have no experience of drinking problems or anything.

My wife and I tied the knot in June this year, and since then, every now and then, when I return home from work, she's been drinking heavily (for her)..usually a couple of bottles of wine, or a bottle of malibu and some alco-pops etc, and usually this leads to vomitting. She only does this now and again, and blames it on being lonely, or annoyed at life etc (can't find work despite trying so hard, getting hassle off her family about complete rubbish etc). When I've asked her why she drinks, she says it makes her forget what's troubling her...is this a usual reason?

When she's sober, she's the most loving, smart, ambitious person I've known, and I love her to pieces...I just want to help her. I'm terrified that I'll lose her, but it's tearing me apart inside...

The day after she's been like this, we'll talk about it, she apologises, and promises to change things, but each time I can't believe her, as I've heard it all before. I know this sounds selfish, but I struggle to understand, as I'm always so positive about life.

She's been diagnosed with OCD, and a few years ago, was diagnosed with depression, and she's done so well battling both of them...I just need to get her away from drinking.

Any help would be hugely welcome...I want my wife back, cos this is killing me..

Thanks, Andy

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conkers1
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My wife's drinking...

Post by conkers1 » 19 Sep 2011 19:54

Hi,

It sounds to me like she is deppressed and stressed, probably because of the lack of being able to find work, and her family getting on at her.

The days when she drinks is probably triggered by something thats upset/annoyed her at that time so she turns to the bottle for comfort and to forget about whats going on..

Im no doctor, but it looks to me like depression, and she may need to a doctor for help before it gets any worse..

This is just my thought,

Good luck

andypandy85
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Re: My wife's drinking...

Post by andypandy85 » 19 Sep 2011 20:18

Thanks Conkers...I think a trip to the docs is a no brainer looking at it...

Cheers.

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Boris Bike
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Re: My wife's drinking...

Post by Boris Bike » 19 Sep 2011 20:47

Boredom might be playing a role as well. Daytime television is enough to drive anyone to drink. Sorry, shouldn't be making light of it... but she may find it good to find other ways to pass the day. Obviously she'll be applying for jobs some of the time but it can get rather disheartening if done constantly with little sign of success.

Are there any adult learning centres near you? It may be just a bit too late to join up for anything this term as I guess courses will have started a couple of weeks ago, but I know from personal experience that not all courses begin in September. But you could try putting the idea of a course in her mind to give her an outlet for her pent up feelings and something to provide some fun and focus. It might only be one or two mornings/afternoons a week so plenty of time for job-searching still.

renasci
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Re: My wife's drinking...

Post by renasci » 19 Sep 2011 23:03

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Last edited by renasci on 11 Jan 2012 01:43, edited 1 time in total.

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Shelsey
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Re: My wife's drinking...

Post by Shelsey » 19 Sep 2011 23:06

Please make sure she sees the doctor - so many of us drink on depression and it gets worse and worse.... she needs treatment and also to be put through to some support groups..... She is lucky to have you, but it sounds like she is in urgent need to proper medical attention....
Aka STB - new name, still as much trouble!
AF 2012 #32

Friends lost to alcohol:
Michael - 11/09/11 - You were a beautiful person and I will miss you so much

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Boris Bike
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Re: My wife's drinking...

Post by Boris Bike » 20 Sep 2011 01:51

If she does like the sound of voluntary work, I think this is the site I've heard good reports of although I haven't used it personally:

http://www.do-it.org.uk/

And, it's true, it would improve the ol' CV to have a placement on there.

thistime
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Re: My wife's drinking...

Post by thistime » 24 Oct 2011 06:24

HI Andy.
Stick with it if YOU think she is worth it ! I ve been with my partner for two years now and we both drunk when we first started out. I am now not drinking apart from the odd setback. I can connect with all you have said and if you love her you will keep trying its not easy. My partner got a ban for DD. she had to do volentry work and it helped to a degree, as having lost her job through no fault of her own.She blames problems in life for the drinking and then me. I love her and want to make it all better but its a long hall and wearing. Keep trying mate !

Catface
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Re: My wife's drinking...

Post by Catface » 03 Nov 2011 14:26

I am a wife who lives w/my husband in a secluded area on a mtn. I have lost most of my jobs due to my drinking and became severely depressed. My life consisted of sitting around all day drinking and watching TV and writing ridiculous things on FB.

I as well suffered from vomiting from time to time and also getting sever stomach pains that would last for two or three days - then would revert back to drinking again.

Last week the pain I had escalated to a pain that was so bad I wished I was dead. I told my husband to call 911 and was diagnosed with Acute Pancreatis due to alcohol. Normal enzyem counts are 1000 mine were 7000. I was in the hosp. for two days on liquid IV, no food or drink in order to rest to pancreas. I was also on pain medication but my pain was so bad that it barely helped.

I was told that if I touched another drink I could possibly die - and the thought of going through that pain again was enough to scare me into realizing that my drinking days are over for good. I had made half hearted attempts in the past but inside pretty much new I would also go back to drinking and I did. This time was different. I am now hopeful that I can begin a new life w/out booze. Being depressed is serious. But the truth is you get drunk to forget the pain, but wake up feeliing sick, the problems are still there and getting worse, and on top of it you need another drink just to feel normal again much less erase your problems. It is a vicious cycle that has no happy ending. I would suggest you take your wife for a complete physical work up and also some life style changes with lots of encouragement. I just started AA meetings and I am finding it very different than when I attended years before because my outlook is different. Remind your wife that relapse is a normal part of recovery but the most important thing is not to give up.

I hope this helps a bit. I would love to talk to her if she is willing. Lots of Good thoughts to you - CAT

Grendelslip

Re: My wife's drinking...

Post by Grendelslip » 03 Nov 2011 15:42

andypandy85 wrote:.... I have no experience of drinking problems or anything.

...... I'm terrified that I'll lose her, but it's tearing me apart inside...

The day after she's been like this, we'll talk about it, she apologises, and promises to change things, but each time I can't believe her, as I've heard it all before. I know this sounds selfish, but I struggle to understand, as I'm always so positive about life.

Andy,

This such a familiar story – and be assured that there can be a happy ending, but it could take a lot of time, patience and heartache to achieve, as I think you’ve already found out.

I haven't anything to add to what the others have written about the reasons behind your wife's drinking. Certainly stopping, or at the least drastically reducing her drinking levels will help with the depression – alcohol is a depressant and will prevent the anti-depressants from doing their job. I cannot comment on the OCD - I have no experience of it.

An important thing for you, of course, is to find out how you can help your wife. There have been some good suggestions made in the other posts, but I think you need to understand the nature of your wife's problem with alcohol. It is possible that your help might need to be a case of simply being there for her. Let me explain.

Alcohol, when taken to excess, creates an addiction, just like many other drugs, both legal and illegal. Put bluntly, your wife has an addiction. You are not addicted, so you cannot possibly understand what it is like. Most of us here do understand. I understand - because I am addicted to alcohol. You can read as much as you like about addiction but you will never really understand unless you are an addict yourself.

It sounds as if your wife is in denial. In other words, although she knows deep down that her drinking is/is getting out of control, she is blaming it on outside factors. These factors may well be the reason why she resorted to drinking excessively, but they are now becoming the excuse for her to continue. There is no point in trying to persuade her otherwise. She may listen to you, but she won’t take it on board and all you are likely to achieve is to create resentment in her mind and frustration/despair in yours.

I know it’s hard to accept, but you have to wait until she accepts that she has a problem with alcohol AND that she wants to get it sorted. Also, it is crucial that she wants to sort it for herself and nobody else. If she tries to do it for your sake, it may work for a while but she will almost certainly relapse and probably sink lower than ever.

I am in a similar situation in that my wife is drinking heavily. She’s at the stage where she’s still holding it all together and has said that she knows she drinks too much. But she hasn’t done anything about it. If you bear in mind that she’s watched me sink to pretty deep depths and seen how quitting the booze has changed me in a very short time, you’d think she’d do the same. She hasn’t yet. Crazy? Yes. Senseless would be a better word. There is no sense in it. There is no why. (I’m talking here about why not get better, not why did she start drinking heavily).

Knowing what I do about my own addiction, I sat down with my wife and told her (politely) to shut up and listen for 30 seconds. I told her

- she was drinking too much
- I didn’t like it
- it would only get worse if she carried on, and crucially
- I would never raise the subject again and would only talk about it if she wanted to

Now I have to keep quiet and watch her slowly descend and pray that she will reach that decision point sooner rather than later: to want to change and do something about it

It is very, very hard for me. It must be even harder for you as you don’t have the advantage (ha!) of being addicted yourself and knowing what your wife is going through.

When, and there is usually a when, she decides to take back control of her life then you can support her. But you must support her in a positive way. Relapses are very common and, with each relapse, your wife will be overwhelmed by feelings of shame, guilt, unworthiness, and so on. To criticise her for ‘failing’ would only increase those feelings and make it harder for her to try again.

One last thing: when she does decide to do something about it she may not have the energy to seek help on her own because of her depression. There is nothing wrong with helping her to get that support, but please don’t force anything on her. If she says she needs help, offer to find out what’s available, show her the options but let her decide what to do.

Alcohol problems make us addicts very selfish – eventually it becomes more important to us than those we care about, even though we love them as much as ever. It tears us apart inside, but still we seek comfort in the bottle. Madness!

I hope this has been a help to you and I understand that it may not be what you wanted to hear but that’s the way it is.

To finish on a more positive note, can you think of ways to distract your wife from resorting to the bottle? Perhaps change your routine, go for walks together, go out to the cinema – not pub!. Whatever you can think of, although of course the depression will make it hard to engage her interest. Please remember what I said earlier. Do not try to coerce her. By all means be enthusiastic yourself but resist the temptation to – with the best intentions - ‘bully’ her into doing something she doesn’t want to.

Amongst all this, don’t forget to look after yourself. You will be no help to your wife if you let this get you down. Make space for yourself, even if it seems a little selfish. After all, in keeping yourself together you’re doing it for both of you.

I wish you well and please stay in touch. We’re here to help and support you as best we can.


Dave

Alexendra
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Re: My wife's drinking...

Post by Alexendra » 23 Sep 2019 13:04

Firstly I would say ,I know this thread is over a year old, but I feel the need to respond.
I will ask you only one question .. Have you tried to contact Rehab center or talk to her regards this . Waiting for reply :\:

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Pork
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Re: My wife's drinking...

Post by Pork » 23 Sep 2019 13:54

Alexendra wrote:
23 Sep 2019 13:04
Firstly I would say ,I know this thread is over a year old, but I feel the need to respond.
I will ask you only one question .. Have you tried to contact Rehab center or talk to her regards this . Waiting for reply :\:
8 years is a long time Alexendra.
Think you may not get that reply you want

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Leslans
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Re: My wife's drinking...

Post by Leslans » 23 Sep 2019 17:21

(w)
"Don't look back, you're not going that way"

smh1
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Re: My wife's drinking...

Post by smh1 » 24 Sep 2019 13:37

Alright Leslans? <:)>
Keep on keeping on. It might be your last chance. :)

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