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Married to an alcoholic - having trouble coping

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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mogsysue
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Married to an alcoholic - having trouble coping

Post by mogsysue » 22 Sep 2011 11:05

Hi, I have just discovered this site and it helps to know that there are so many other people out there with the same problem as my husband. He has always enjoyed a drink, but for the last couple of years it's got to the point of him stealing money from me to buy his next bottle, or buying bottles and hiding them etc etc.

He has finally come to the decision to quit because he doesn't want to lose me, and has not had a drink for 2 days. The thing is now though he is suffering so much I just want to help him get through it, but do not know what to do...............short of buying him a drink to ease the pain (which I don't want to do obviously).

Is there anybody out there who can give me some insight into what I should expect in the coming days/weeks please as I want to do everything I can to help him through this :cry:

Josiee
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Re: Married to an alcoholic - having trouble coping

Post by Josiee » 22 Sep 2011 19:47

After 30 years of dealing with this unfortunately I would have to honestly say he will relapse. My 2 cents. The reason I say this is because he can't be doing it because he does not want to lose you. That is a good start and a good thing, but he has to hit his own wall. When you hear him say "I can't live like this anymore" then you will know he is getting close.

An addict has to hit their own rock bottom and then decide they just can't live in a mental, physical and emotional wasteland anymore.
Maybe he is there ? When he says on his own that he is done dying and has to start living, then you will have an idea of where he is as far as recovery.

renasci
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Re: Married to an alcoholic - having trouble coping

Post by renasci » 22 Sep 2011 19:55

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Last edited by renasci on 11 Jan 2012 01:48, edited 2 times in total.

mrsbutler
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Re: Married to an alcoholic - having trouble coping

Post by mrsbutler » 22 Sep 2011 20:09

No help here I'm afraid, but I'm newly married to somebody who I think drinks too much also. It hasn't got to him stealing, as we both earn enough we just use whatever money there is for whatever either of us want.. but it does affect our daily lives and routines etc.

Just a hello really, you're not alone, and mine is far from giving up.x <:)>

Josiee
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Re: Married to an alcoholic - having trouble coping

Post by Josiee » 22 Sep 2011 20:17

I have been a few times. Maybe that is where I got it?

It is true ;)?

We both know that whatever they say it means crap. He has to really really want to be sober, because he wants to be sober.

Lol does that make sense?

renasci
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Re: Married to an alcoholic - having trouble coping

Post by renasci » 22 Sep 2011 20:30

He has to really really want to be sober, because he wants to be sober.
Yes, I think that makes sense - unfortunately :roll:

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Boris Bike
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Re: Married to an alcoholic - having trouble coping

Post by Boris Bike » 05 Oct 2011 20:54

I think that's almost always true.

Although my story is a bit different. I did more give up for other people: I realised I was pissing people off too much. I didn't really want to stop but people were abandoning me. So I stopped.

As it has turned out, I'm feeling better without it. So I think it's possible to give up for others to begin with and then just sort of think "hey, this is actually all right, I may as well stick with sobriety".

I don't want to make too great a claim. I've only been off the sauce for 7 and a bit weeks and obviously that's not a huge amount of time. Can't tell where I'll be in a month, year, 5 years. But I felt there was room for another viewpoint.

sillymilly
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Re: Married to an alcoholic - having trouble coping

Post by sillymilly » 07 Oct 2011 01:01

hi, im no expert but am currently going through the same thing (my partner of 14yrs was sober for a few months but relapsed in may/june and is still drinking but has just started a new programme) physically what he might experience is being sick, sweating, shaking, not eating, not being able to sleep. Emotionaly my other half needs a bit of space and is intolerant. Obviously this is individual, that is just what my partner is like, it also i would think depends on how much he drinks as to how bad his symptoms would be, my partner drinks 10-12 pints a day.
All you can do is be there and be supportive at this time and take each day as it comes, and look after you! I believe its as hard for us as wives as it is for the alcoholic, we have to hold the family together while they do there own thing in their selfish world which is all part of the alcoholism, the need to drink overrides being a good husband/dad etc in my experience. If he does struggle or relapse then the doctor can give tablets to help with withdrawal symptoms and can refer for councilling program, my other half has just started one. BUT i will say one thing that i do know for sure, We are powerless, no matter how much we nag/beg/threaten etc (trust me i tried for 13yrs!) i will not make a difference. He is only going to quit when he is ready, only he can decide. But you also have choices of your own as to how you deal with that, but no choice over whether he drinks if that makes sence!?! This is where im at at the minute, stay? go? how long do i wait to see if he makes that decision? God knows!
Also i attended my first al-anon meeting this week- scary! everyone was welcoming though and its so helpful to know we are not alone in this.

Good luck and take care x

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Boris Bike
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Re: Married to an alcoholic - having trouble coping

Post by Boris Bike » 07 Oct 2011 09:58

Thanks for your words of encouragement, Ragnar :)

Milly, I'm interested in the Al-Anon thing. Do they give you any advice there on how to try to influence your partner? Or do they start from the point you describe, where that is thought to be a dead end and you just have to leave it in the drinker's hands?

sillymilly
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Re: Married to an alcoholic - having trouble coping

Post by sillymilly » 09 Oct 2011 01:15

Hi Boris
I have only been once but Al-anon is for you- the relative, not your alcoholic. Its a group of people all going through the same thing and sharing their problems/ concerns/ experiences. Its like the AA for the family. From my experience and what others have told me (doctors, other recovering alcoholics, family of alcoholics) their is no way of influencing an alcoholic not to drink- and i spent 13yrs trying- its a decision they have to make and something they have to want whole heartedly. Al-anon was good for me simply because i felt so alone in this, probably as most of us do, but there are many of us coping with the same things, and unlike people that are closer to us we can talk without being judged or feel we have to hide things- which is definatly what i do (pretending im going out if friends want to come round and i think he will come in pissed or hes already home and pissed etc) no one there judges, but neither will they tell you what you should do. You can look online for local meetings, my meeting was very small- 4-6 people in an average size town but a member who attends our used to go to one in a city and said their was about 25, he prefered smaller meetings because he said you cant 'hide'. good luck x

mogsysue
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Re: Married to an alcoholic - having trouble coping

Post by mogsysue » 21 Oct 2011 16:01

Thanks for all the advice people. Things have actually reached rock bottom now. We live and work on a caravan park, and the accommodation comes with the job. Trouble is my husband got sacked on Tuesday for drinking whilst working, plus it has since come to light that he has been using the spare keys we have for the caravans to sneak in and help himself to their alcohol and god only knows what else. The result of this is that he has been made jobless, and homeless. I'm staying here, so he has also screwed that up. He took the car to head to his Mums, but got arrested on route for drink driving, spent the night in prison, then the next day and night in hospital because he was feeling really rough. Now I have no idea where he is or if he's managed to get home yet...............I told him I would always be on the end of the phone for him, but he has got to get himself straight - not for me, but for himself. Have I done the right thing in leaving him go off to sort this out himself?? I'm beside myself with worry :cry:

Therapy
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Re: Married to an alcoholic - having trouble coping

Post by Therapy » 21 Oct 2011 16:15

Hello

I'm sorry to read about what your husband has put you through and losing your income and home. Let's be honest, it's been a hell of week for him and if this doesn't give him the thunderstorm wake up call to realisation I've no idea what will.

Yes, you have wholeheartedly done the right thing by removing yourself from him, his behaviour will only serve to impact on your physical and mental well being and you are your top priority, not your husband. One overwhelming behaviour trait of an alcoholic is that of selfishness, only them and their drink are priority and I speak, like others on this forum from being on your side of the fence.

Ensure your health is as good as you can have it, because if you choose to support your husband in his journey to sobriety, you will need it. Look to your family and friends to support you from an inside the ring perspective and Al Anon and maybe counselling from an outside the ring perspective.

mogsysue
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Re: Married to an alcoholic - having trouble coping

Post by mogsysue » 22 Oct 2011 12:08

Latest update is that he's being locked up for a few weeks because he has no fixed address. I'm very angry that his mum wont help him, but she's quick enough to judge me for not allowing him back here...............

He was 8 times over the limit, and I've now been told this could be a 3 to 4 month prison sentence :o

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Re: Married to an alcoholic - having trouble coping

Post by Therapy » 22 Oct 2011 16:02

Hi

Thanks for the update. Sounds odd to lock him for NFA, would think there is more to it than having nowhere to live. Some, but not all mother's of alcoholics can be very quick to blame, condemn and point the finger at others, not so terribly quick to take a look at their own behaviour. I imagine she has taken as much as she can of his behaviour.

Are you hearing of your husband's circumstances from a reliable source? I ask this, in case they are both trying to tug at your heart strings, or maybe he's been lucky and has been found a place in a rehab/detox unit.

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Re: Married to an alcoholic - having trouble coping

Post by janey12 » 23 Oct 2011 16:15

Hi Mogisue, hope you are ok. I have been in both camps here. Years ago I suffered with depression and turned to drink occasionally. My husband did not drink then and it must have been so difficult coping with everything when I was drunk. I managed to stop drinking and I was so happy. I was so shocked when my husband then began drinking, work stress causing this, and it got really out of hand. I tried everything I could to stop him but he just carried on. Unfortunately, I then started drinking too which lead to us losing our daughters and grandchildren. I managed to stop again and for the past three years my husband has left home about four times, living rough, so he can drink. It is sometimes for one week, two and the longest four. I took him back and although it has been difficult we have worked through it. Don't give up yet. Please look after yourself healthily, don't do what I did, keep your job and give it some time. My thoughts are with you so much.

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