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my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cope

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
07rachel08
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my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cope

Post by 07rachel08 » 25 Sep 2011 22:32

Hi all i am new to this site and would like to share my story with you. I hope i can help others and i also hope others can help me.

I have been with an excessive drinker for 10 years now, maybe he is an alcoholic, im not sure.
We have 2 lovely boys age 6 and 7, we have a very easy life, as in we both have very well paid jobs, a lovely house, nice family, no problems at all really, except the drinking. When we met i knew he was a drinker but assumed it would calm down as soon as we moved in together and settled down, as many people just drink socially when single.

To cut a long story short, we lived together, then split as he didnt show signs of calming down on the beer. i had a few other boyfriends but missed him and found out he missed me. we got back together and he said he would pack up drinking. so i took him back , and he towed the line.. then i got pregnant, had my first son and soon got pregnant again and had another boy. over the years he has controlled his drinking to please me and his children but over the last few months he has really gone downhill. the last 6 days he has got through 40 cans of strongbow cider and a couple of bottles of wine. at weekends he rarely goes to bed but gets so drunk he falls asleep on the sofa. he has started drinking heavily a couple of days in the week. he also drinks on an empty stomach quite often and refuses to eat. He is never violent and holds down his job no problem. he only tends to drink in the evenings except at weekends. he does alot to help me and the kids on weekdays, like bathing the kids and putting them to bed, tidying the house. taking the kids swimming or pictures. in alot of ways he is a very good partner, he is never controlling and lets me do what i like. but i am so worried about the amount he is drinking and the effect on his health. he also gets horribly sarcastic when drunk.

I dont know what to do. i dont want to leave everything ive worked the last 10 years for (house), i dont want my kids to be without their dad, and i also dont want to be a single parent. but this whole situation is really damaging me. i am a nervous person, with an anxiety disorder. i dont cope with stress very well, i take antidepressants. i see some of my friends with violent partners, controlling partners and think my problem isnt so bad after all, but then when he has had far too much to drink and cant even string a sentence together, i feel its the worst feeling ever. i really dont know what to do, and how to cope with it.

I hope there are people who can advise me and hope to help others in the same way.

another_day
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Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cop

Post by another_day » 25 Sep 2011 23:47

If he doesn't want to change, then he won't be stopping anytime soon. It's hard enough when you truly want to change, but if it isn't in your heart, then it will take time for that person to see clearly.

I would directly express your feelings to him about it, and let him know how important it is to you that he stops, and that if he doesn't, then he shouldn't expect you to stay around. I had a person leave me in part due to my drinking, and it was when I could have really have used the help of another person the most. So if he is willing to accept your help and put fourth the effort, that will tell you where his heart is. From the sounds of the amounts of how much he is drinking, he will have to taper down so he doesn't go into heavy withdrawals, so keep that in mind.

But don't subject yourself to emotional abuse of having to deal with it all, if he doesn't want to change.

mo rolfe
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Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cop

Post by mo rolfe » 02 Oct 2011 16:57

felt very sad reading your story as mine is so much the same , my husband has always enjoyed a beer but over the past few years he has got worse . He spends nearly 100 pounds a week on drink which we can not afford .

He tells me it is my fault he drinks and is very abusive to me when drinking and is so unfair on the kids , he also suffers with depression which does not help . He tells me all the time that he will give up but never does

Could sit here and cry as can not cope anymore

mo

07rachel08
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Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cop

Post by 07rachel08 » 15 Oct 2011 16:17

Hey Mo, sorry i have only just seen your message, i've not been online for a couple of weeks. I hope your ok and i certainly know how you feel . please send me another message if you are still on the boards, hopefully we can be there for each other ;)

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Sandy
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Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cop

Post by Sandy » 15 Oct 2011 17:29

Hi Rachel
I was a heavy drinker and thanks to BE have not had a drink for 2 years. My partner is also a heavy/problem/binge drinker/alcoholic and drinks a bottle of vodka a day. sometimes more, never less.
I may have some posts on the relationship threads that discuss this.
My OH doesnt seem to want to stop drinking so basically I have given up on him completely.
We no longer have a relationship together as such and daily I feel I move further and further away from him.
He has been a good husband for many many years but now can be verbally abusive with drink. I know longer know who he is when he is drunk.
I feel we are together now only because of a financial situation.
It is very sad but there are people in worse situations than me.
Communication is definetly the key here, ( My own situation is now way beyond this point) you have to let him know exactly how you feel. If you let it go on well then sadly it will and I can assure you your situation will only get worse

I would also just like to say that the folllowing advice from Winker is excellent. Please take heed.

"try to build up your own support networks independant of him (friends/neighbours/other mums etc) - you need to be able to function well independantly of him both for yourself and your children and also so that his behaviour wont bring you down as well"
I wish you well
sandy

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alianneL
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Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cop

Post by alianneL » 20 Oct 2011 08:52

My younger brother is going trough this kind of problem. We are thinking how to help him but it seems that he does not seek for any help. We are hoping that we can help him in a way that he would accept. Anyway I've read some articles regarding binge drinker, please allow me to share it here. Uncontrolled drinking costs every single American about $2 per drink, according to brand new research findings from the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. That's past the cost of the drinks themselves. Lost work efficiency, property damage, medical issues and the cost of incarcerating drunk drivers and thieves are all factors contributing to the runaway cost that society is forced to shoulder. Source for this article: Binge drinking costs each of us $2 per drink.

Grendelslip

Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cop

Post by Grendelslip » 24 Oct 2011 17:11

Hi, I'm Dave

I'd like to chip in here as I'm on both sides of the fence. I'm going to use some terminolgy that I and many others in my position prefer not to use, but that's our problem.

You can read as much as you like about alcohol (or any other drug addiction) but while you may gain an insight into addiction you will never understand it unless you become an addict yourself - and please don't!!!

If you don't believe me, go to the top Board index page, then click on General Recovery, Sobriety Challenge, then select The First Seven Days and read the postings. Many of these refer to the unpleasant symptoms of physical withdrawal from alcohol. You will find many people battling and suffering their way through it, only to go on a drinking spree, sometimes within a day or two of stopping. Even if they know a drinking session means going through it all over again, still they do it. Does it make sense to you? I understand it, because I've been there and 'hell' is not an inappropriate description. And remember - these people are trying as hard as they can to get better. It's not called the demon drink for nothing

I was an alcoholic. Alcohol was ruining my mental and physical health, destroying relationships. Note: mental health - it affects your thinking. At this stage, you blame all your problems on other people or factors outside your control. It's not the drink, that's under control. OK, maybe I drink too much but if x, y,, z would stop happening, I'd cut back. OK? Oh, no how very wrong - but there is nothing you can do or say to convince me otherwise. I am in denial.

OK, you don't like me drinking? I love you so much, I'll stop or cut down for your sake. Maybe I do for a day, a week, a month or maybe a year or more. But it is 99.99% certain that I will end up back where I am today. All I've done is stop throwing drink down my neck for as long as I can. I've learned nothing about my addiction. I might not even recognise I've got a problem. I've just been abstaining for your sake. Back to square one and all that time wasted.

Now I a recovering alcoholic. The difference? I've recognised that my drinking is out of control AND I'm doing something about it. I decided to do something about it because I couldn't stand living the way I was. Make no bones about it, much as I love my wife, I am doing this for me and it was my decision to stop because I wanted to. Yes, it's me, me, me, me. Sorry, but that's just the way it is.

If I relapse tomorrow and get blind drunk, I will pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again. I went on a bender but I'm still in recovery because I'm still doing something about it. Telling me off won't make any difference - I need to be in control by deciding that I will try again, and again and again..... Others can support me, but they cannot force me to carry on. I have to decide for myself. Me, me, me again

Are you getting the picture?

(By the way - being in denial is not about drinking secretly and then denying you've been drinking, or concealing the extent of your drinking. Someone who is secretly drinking may do so because they get moaned at if they do it in front of you, but more likely they are doing it becase they are ashamed or feeling guilty about it. That can be a good sign because it means that they know they have a problem, which is the first step. Now THEY have to decide to do something about it.)

So, the bottom line is that you cannot make an alcoholic reform.

What YOU have to decide is whether you can put up with their behaviour or have to leave for your OWN sake. This is your 'me, me, me' decision. Don't bother using the 'stop drinking or I'm leaving threat'. It won't make any difference in the long term. You have to be as self-centred as the alcoholic and consider your own needs first. I know, it's very, very hard.

It may be worth hanging about as long as you can because the alcoholic may decide to enter recovery at any point - often unexpectedly. But please, don't ruin your own life by hanging on too long.

Hopefully, the alcoholic will begin recovery before you reach breaking point. NOW you can help them, but please be supportive. They will probably have one or more relapses. Don't criticise - it can only make things worse. If you cannot offer encouragement, its better to say nothing.

I said at the start that I'm on both sides of the fence. My wife has an alcohol problem. She drinks a bottle of vodka more days than not. She freely admits to drinking too much but does nothing about it. She's at the stage where she thinks she's coping. Well she is. She doesn't drink during the day, gets drunk in the evenings - but the only signs are slurring of speech and falling asleep in the armchair. The next morning, she's fine, happy, no problems at work etc. She decides not to drink for a day to three days at a time with no apparent effort. But I know it will get worse unless she does something about it.

What can I do about it? Nothing, except be there if/when she reaches breaking point. Picking my moment I basically told her what I've said here - that she has a problem, only she can do anything about it, I don't like it and I will not raise the subject again. We wont talk about it again unless she wants to.

That's the way I see it but if anybody can offer me advice (as the partner of a drinker) I would welcome it.

I sincerely hope it all works out, but it will be tough. Now I'm off for my own 'me, me, me time'!

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Septem
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Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cop

Post by Septem » 24 Oct 2011 23:14

Sep
Last edited by Septem on 22 Dec 2011 16:11, edited 1 time in total.

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linda6666
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Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cop

Post by linda6666 » 25 Oct 2011 00:56

Dave well said (::) Do you know i said round about the same to a friend of mine...
Family try so hard, but all the threats of "Oh i will leave you if you don't stop" fall on deaf ears when your a drinker... Cuz at that point in your life YES you love your family, but you have a awful addiction that as took control over your normal/rational thoughts and replaced them with irrational and unforgivable thoughts, and your one true love right at that point in life is BOOZE...

My family tried the scare tactics with me and it simply did not work and until i was ready to wave the flag and say "enough is enough" no amount of their threats were going to change me..

And this is where my ME ME ME comes in...I gave up for ME! Yes i love my family and im glad they still love me, but it was my own body i was killing (yes admittedly i was effecting others lives, but it was my life that would end if i did not pack in)...

Yes my family would have missed me had i gone through drink, but having seen my brother in law die with drink and also my granddaughters other nana , i also saw how life goes on without him and her, and sometimes days pass and im ashamed to say but even i don't think about them all the time...So 2 wasted life's, early 30's when they passed away, Poor Child will never knew her nana, and nearly never knew this one :( , and bro in law had no kids/no wife, just a wasted life to drink

So yeh i speak a lot about DB and how i keep going for him, but thats the promise i made to him, and the only reason i made this promise to him was because i had first made the promise to ME....I Had ad enough of all the few days off, then week back on, back to Hangoveville (not a nice place), and every time i said "Why do i do this to myself?" but kept on doing it...Not even sure if it was not a case of life/death---sink/swim if i would be in the position i am today?? But the choice was kind of took away from me in a way, and nobody really wants to die with drink....So i had to choose ME..

BUT BLOODY GLAD I DID NOW/ I KNOW IM MISSING NOTHING AT ALL BY BEING SOBER (only hangovers, and can live without those)....So all in all....SELFISH ME THAT I WAS...TURNED INTO KIND OF SENSIBLE ME WHEN PUSH CAME TO SHOVE... ;)? ;)? ;)?
I Have a Guardian Angel in heaven... I call him DADDY BEAR. I AM NOW 9 YEARS DRY AND LOVING IT,SO PROUD OF ME ;-)
We are all given a 2nd chance every day, it's just we don't usually take them . I TOOK MINE

mo rolfe
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Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cop

Post by mo rolfe » 30 Oct 2011 15:46

Hi Rachel i did try to send you a message but could not work out how to do it :? .

How are things , hope you are ok . ive had a really bad few weeks and things just dont seem to be getting any better but will post an update asap

take care mo x

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Lush4life
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Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cope

Post by Lush4life » 20 May 2016 20:51

Hello this is an interesting thread, sadly one I felt drawn to, I won't go into detail as have said it all before but am here again, lonely watching oh get steadily pissed, it's hard to keep my end up sometimes, he now doesn't like me going on this forum suggesting I have a "friend" on here ffs! I read him funny posts to involve him am not secretive but this forum is to help me! Anyway will go to bed soon as seems only thing I can do, take care all, Kim
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

mkj
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Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cope

Post by mkj » 21 May 2016 08:23

Lush4life wrote:Hello this is an interesting thread, sadly one I felt drawn to, I won't go into detail as have said it all before but am here again, lonely watching oh get steadily pissed, it's hard to keep my end up sometimes, he now doesn't like me going on this forum suggesting I have a "friend" on here ffs! I read him funny posts to involve him am not secretive but this forum is to help me! Anyway will go to bed soon as seems only thing I can do, take care all, Kim
Lush/Kim,
Have you ever considered what you would say to someone else in the same situation ?

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Lush4life
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Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cope

Post by Lush4life » 21 May 2016 08:28

Mkj, no have never thought to pose that question but now you've presented me with it, I will, kim
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

mkj
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Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cope

Post by mkj » 21 May 2016 08:33

Kim,
It may also help you to look into co dependency.

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Lush4life
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Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cope

Post by Lush4life » 21 May 2016 08:50

Did that last night, I didn't fill me with a great deal of hope I must say, I can see faults on both sides but am trying to fix some of mine, my husband however, doesn't have any! Don't know what I expected really just bending cyber ears, hoping for ideas ect, but thanks for taking time mkj I know from reading your posts u have wealth knowledge, kim
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

mkj
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Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cope

Post by mkj » 21 May 2016 08:54

So he doesn't see his drinking as a problem ?

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Lush4life
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Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cope

Post by Lush4life » 21 May 2016 09:03

No, he works, functions ect is not a bad man but can b abusive verbally generally starts drinking we'd through Sunday a delightful mix of beer, vodka and healthy red wine, but what can I say when I let all down myself but just feel lonely, lost and yes pissed off.
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

mkj
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Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cope

Post by mkj » 21 May 2016 09:22

Kim,
The difference is in your case we are talking past tense, whereas in his it is present tense.
As an adult he has a right to drink, but I don't remember reading any marriage vows that said a partner has to tolerate any kind of abuse or waste their own lives because of a drinkers "Needs".
This is about you, your life, and I am guessing you gave up drinking to improve that. Two wrongs don't make a right.
Perhaps he doesn't need to change ?As long as you enable why would he ?

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Lush4life
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Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cope

Post by Lush4life » 21 May 2016 09:46

Mkj, part of AA prayer comes to mind here; change what u can't except and except what u can't change. How clever of u to help me answer my own question!
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

mkj
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Re: my partner drinks far too much and im not sure i can cope

Post by mkj » 21 May 2016 09:53

Kim,
That's the way it works, if you stay the same so will he,..why not? He is doing it because he wants to.
You have had to change to become sober. Perhaps you need to stop making excuses for him and start to live your life as you want. Itgives him new choices then, change to fit with you ,or get left behind.

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